Trying to figure out this whole forgiveness thing is interesting.
The first thing I went to is that its hard because I dont know the reason she's been such a dick to me. Ive tried to concoct all sorts of reasons and they all just make me angrier than the next because to me they seem stupid.
So as I sat in my car on my commute I thought about how maybe the things my friends told me about why she never got back in touch (she's busy, we're all having a tough time right now) might have been the truth. The first response was anger and scoffing, because that cant possibly be true.
In the midst of a pandemic and working and caring for sick parents I was running regular hangouts for them, checking in with them, organising a social life for them until they all started to go back out into the world, bailing on me when I still had to isolate, and then one of them threw a tantrum that I hadnt rescheduled when they thought I would (because they made in person plans at the last minute) and I washed my hands of it. And still I stayed friends and supported them all, I just stopped running hangouts.
So how could my friend simply not talk to me, not have a conversation to set things straight with me because of being busy and having a bad time when I could do all of that? That's ridiculous. That would mean...
The thought that came into my head was "theyre not as strong as I am". And it made me cry. It sounds like a boast, but every time I think about how my core trait has shifted from loyalty to strength this past 5 years I cry. I dont see my strength as a virtue, I see it as a scar. Its a thing Ive had to be through caring and chronic pain and emotional abuse, while being completely unsupported by the friendships I thought would last me a life time.
A friend (separate from this group) who's recently had to care for a parent for a short period apologiesed to me recently that she wasnt in touch more during that period of my life and I told her I never expected it of her. It was easy to forgive because Id never been angered by her lack of understanding.
And yet I couldnt even consider the same for the friend who cut me out of her life after I called her out in shitty behaviour. Maybe because i felt like we were closer...so expected more. Or maybe because I just expected...idk, a conversation? Words to come out of her mouth to explain what Id done that had been so bad. Somehow though...realising that expectation was wrong, broke it. And I cried.
I need friends in my life who will talk to me and have a conversation when there's a problem. I thought that was an obvious thing, I thought that was a reasonable expectation. What should have been a voiced boundary, turned into an emotional lashing out. When she refused to talk to me after 6 months, I removed her from my social media. I think I hoped at that point she'd reach out, but she didnt. And I never really accepted that as her choice because in my head it was the wrong one. It was the stupid choice.
Now I see that I dont know her reasons for making that choice. And they could be complicated or they could be as simple as leaving it until it felt like she couldnt talk to me. Either way its incredibly sad that she never reached back out to me. That its felt for 3 years like she was making the wrong choice over and over. But I had a part to play in that choice too.
And now I see it should be a boundary. Something that I make clear to people. If you cannot communicate appropriately, then I will leave. I did the right thing in a way. I tried to protect myself. But because it had no rules to it, was just a reaction, I left the door open in the process. I hurt myself.
Im still angry and I dont want to be, but, I can forgive her for things that were not her fault. And I can forgive myself for not knowing any better at the time.