Notes For Therapy

32 queer autistic back here after 10 years to voice thoughts so they don't get stuck

[notesfortherapy]

When I was in uni there was this person who lived in a house with some of my friends. We'll call them X. One time at a bbq X came up to my table, sat down and told me outright, "I'm trans". It felt angry, like a challenge, but me being openly queer (not yet knowing the word nonbinary) and having run in very trans cosplay circles for years responded with, "Oh! Cool! Are you okay?" X quickly changed the subject and then left the bbq early to go clubbing and get hammered.

I often wondered about that moment, about whether or not that was the first time X said those words to another person. I didn't say anything to anyone else, not even my friends who lived with X, until about 5 years later when one of them turned to me and said, "Oh, did you hear? X is transitioning!" I explained to them then why I wasnt surprised, more to cement in them that this was always who X was than anything else. But still I wondered if that moment at the BBQ was the first time. If I, a relative stranger, was their first safe space. I'll never know, because I'll never ask, because that's X's story to tell.

But this month, X got married. Happily, as the person they were always supposed to be.

And I thought you'd all like to know that transjoy is still possible.

And I'd like to encourage anyone who has the privilege of being able to be out safely, to be out. Because people will see you, and see your wins and your happiness and your joy, and know that's possible. And if you're a person who is already out in a not safe space, I hope you find strength in the fact that someone sees you and finds peace every time you smile.

[gjdraws]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

WHO IS USING THIS

AN APP??? THEY HAVE A FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

THE LAST FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

[iguanodonwildman]

Reminder that ao3 does not have an app. Any apps you see are third party and are making money off of the writers without their consent. They’re also probably harvesting your data. Do not support this garbage.

[fractalspaces]

Louder so people don't quick-scroll:

THIRD-PARTY APP. PROFITS OFF WRITERS, HARVESTS DATA. DO NOT DOWNLOAD.

[feefal]

Forest babies✨

[passionpeachy]

snail love 💗

[draconym]

My tattoo artist told me his teenage son came out to him as trans by giving him a bunch of blue cupcakes and a greeting card that said "it's a boy!"

"That's cute," I said.

"It was NOT cute!" he snapped. "I thought he was pregnant."

[electronicmail]

some of my friends are stem majors

[notesfortherapy]

Look, my year started with a major infection, surgery, a wound that wont heal and a migraine.

If someone decides to drunk text me that they had a weird dream about me the other night, Im settling in with the popcorn, okay?

[notesfortherapy]

Trying to figure out this whole forgiveness thing is interesting.

The first thing I went to is that its hard because I dont know the reason she's been such a dick to me. Ive tried to concoct all sorts of reasons and they all just make me angrier than the next because to me they seem stupid.

So as I sat in my car on my commute I thought about how maybe the things my friends told me about why she never got back in touch (she's busy, we're all having a tough time right now) might have been the truth. The first response was anger and scoffing, because that cant possibly be true.

In the midst of a pandemic and working and caring for sick parents I was running regular hangouts for them, checking in with them, organising a social life for them until they all started to go back out into the world, bailing on me when I still had to isolate, and then one of them threw a tantrum that I hadnt rescheduled when they thought I would (because they made in person plans at the last minute) and I washed my hands of it. And still I stayed friends and supported them all, I just stopped running hangouts.

So how could my friend simply not talk to me, not have a conversation to set things straight with me because of being busy and having a bad time when I could do all of that? That's ridiculous. That would mean...

The thought that came into my head was "theyre not as strong as I am". And it made me cry. It sounds like a boast, but every time I think about how my core trait has shifted from loyalty to strength this past 5 years I cry. I dont see my strength as a virtue, I see it as a scar. Its a thing Ive had to be through caring and chronic pain and emotional abuse, while being completely unsupported by the friendships I thought would last me a life time.

A friend (separate from this group) who's recently had to care for a parent for a short period apologiesed to me recently that she wasnt in touch more during that period of my life and I told her I never expected it of her. It was easy to forgive because Id never been angered by her lack of understanding.

And yet I couldnt even consider the same for the friend who cut me out of her life after I called her out in shitty behaviour. Maybe because i felt like we were closer...so expected more. Or maybe because I just expected...idk, a conversation? Words to come out of her mouth to explain what Id done that had been so bad. Somehow though...realising that expectation was wrong, broke it. And I cried.

I need friends in my life who will talk to me and have a conversation when there's a problem. I thought that was an obvious thing, I thought that was a reasonable expectation. What should have been a voiced boundary, turned into an emotional lashing out. When she refused to talk to me after 6 months, I removed her from my social media. I think I hoped at that point she'd reach out, but she didnt. And I never really accepted that as her choice because in my head it was the wrong one. It was the stupid choice.

Now I see that I dont know her reasons for making that choice. And they could be complicated or they could be as simple as leaving it until it felt like she couldnt talk to me. Either way its incredibly sad that she never reached back out to me. That its felt for 3 years like she was making the wrong choice over and over. But I had a part to play in that choice too.

And now I see it should be a boundary. Something that I make clear to people. If you cannot communicate appropriately, then I will leave. I did the right thing in a way. I tried to protect myself. But because it had no rules to it, was just a reaction, I left the door open in the process. I hurt myself.

Im still angry and I dont want to be, but, I can forgive her for things that were not her fault. And I can forgive myself for not knowing any better at the time.

[notesfortherapy]

A few years a go a group of friends did something really shitty. When I called them out, some of them apologised, one of them snapped at me, suggesting I'd done something to hurt them, and then pretended to be friends with me in public, but ignored me in private.

I reached out multiple times. Every time I raised what was happening with other friends, they made excuses. No-one could/would tell me what I'd done wrong. They just kept telling me she was probably busy and not doing very well (this was post lockdown but still vaguely pandemic times).

Months became years. Excuses became "its water under the bridge now". This friend still refused to talk to me.

I thought I'd mostly come to terms until recently I talked to her partner (he was my friend first, I introed them, we're strictly platonic) and I mentioned how I couldnt talk to anyone else from that group anymore, because I was censoring everything, and so were they.

And as I was exlaining I felt white hot anger flood me, like it was all happening, all over again.

The fact is I cant "come to terms" until I forgive her. That means letting go, finding an understanding, allowing room for her to be a real human in my head, not just the villain in the story I tell myself.

Some of you may be thinking "that seems like a lot of time and energy for someone who doesnt give a shit about you". But I've expended a lot more energy on being angry over the last 3 years. Energy that I didnt have to give in the midst of everything else.

So I dont know how to forgive her, or the rest of the group, but Im going to try every day. For me.

[lupusbaby]

Hey, if you’re not as mentally quick as you used to be because of your illness- that’s okay. If you’re can’t think as fast or handle as many tasks that’s okay. You aren’t stupid, you aren’t unintelligent, and you aren’t less worthy of love or respect. It’s okay that your brain won’t or can’t go back to how it used to be. It’s different now, but it’s okay.

[notesfortherapy]

listen, Im just saying that if one day you happen to find me being mauled by a bear or something, dont shoot the bear. If you've got good aim, maybe shoot me (if Im not already dead), but not the bear.

There are too many humans on this planet, and if ive pissed off a bear enough for it to maul me then i deserve it.

[notesfortherapy]

When I first went back to work after two years of caring for parents, developing fibro and being broken in general....

I cried my f***ing eyes out. I came home and I sobbed. There was no real reason, I was just overwhelmed. Everything was new, my body hurt, and I felt trapped. I thought I'd have to quit, that I'd never be able to work again.

I even cried all the way to work the next morning.

But when I came home, I wasn't quite as dead, didn't cry quite so much.

I stuck with it, i got to know people, i got to do things I enjoy. And now its the best job Ive ever had.

So there's hope guys. Stand up, ask for what you need and don't be disheartened if the first job you get isnt the right fit. There are good employers out there.

[notesfortherapy]

The past couple of sessions of therapy Ive been so tired and wired and full of maskiness that I've not really been able to figure out what to talk about.

What keeps happening is that I end up rambling my way through a bunch of stray thoughts and then in the last 10-15 minutes or so I start to stray onto something thats probably a bit more important than Im letting on.

Part of me thinks Im just warming up.

Part of me thinks Im too tired to deal with actual problems or emotions so I only let the feeling emerge at the end when we can get into it.

[programaticallydelicious]

This is a neutral post

Feel free to stop here and rest before journeying to the posts below.

[spadedfox-deactivated20230116]

spreading these occasionally would be nice…

[justawriterinprogress-deactivat]

As someone with major anxiety who can’t fucking stop themself from scrolling, i appreciate posts like this

[chronicallysickofthis]

Chronic fatigue really feels like having less time in the day than everyone else. Whilst I can do things for half the day and rest the other half, people are out there doing something morning afternoon and night, like this isn’t fairrrr

[notesfortherapy]

I heard someone say "we all have the same 24 hrs in a day" for the first time in ages recently, and I just snorted. Not only do I not have your 24 hours, I don't want them anymore, mate. That's literally what got me in this position 🫠

[notesfortherapy]

Hey kids, as a 30 something who saw the rise of cellulite/orange peel skin as a cruel concept bent on tricking young female bodied kids into believing something is wrong with them when actually it's just genetics....

Please dont let the beauty industry make "strawberry skin" a thing. It's keritosis polaris, its genetic. If it hurts moisturise it, but otherwise know you're completely normal, and don't let the world make something out of nothing.

We've got too much shit going on already.

[spicymochi]

little clown otter