What kind of parent Ulquiorra would be (if Bleach is any indication)
As requested by inbetweencharcoallines. :)
It is once again time to pretend that the way a character acts in Bleach would also be the way they acted as a parent. If this is true, then what kind of parent would Ulquiorra make?
1. He would be an authoritative parent.
After all, Ulquiorra does not believe in negotiation. He believes in ultimatums.
Ulquiorra: You eating carrots is not a discussion.
Ulquiorra: It is an ultimatum.
Ulquiorra: All you hold in your hands is the noose around your dessert’s neck.
Ulquiorra: You know what I mean.
2. He would insist that his kids clean their plates.
Because Ulquiorra seems to take it very personally when people do not eat the food he serves.
Ulquiorra: But I brought it to your room. On a tray. That is service.
Kid: If I eat it, will you leave without making any weird metaphorical comments?
Ulquiorra: I can’t promise that.
3. He would respect his kids’ privacy.
But despite being weird about food and about ultimatums, Ulquiorra would at least respect his kids’ privacy. After all, Ulquiorra knows how annoying it is to live in a place where there are eyes everywhere.
Ulquiorra: Why are you on the roof, child?
Ulquiorra: There are no secret cameras anywhere in the house, not just the roof.
Kid: What was that about secret cameras??
Ulquiorra: There are none. I thought I made that clear.
Kid: You’re a little weird, Dad.
4. He would not give good advice about friends.
Sometimes kids want to talk to their parents about friend issues. Ulquiorra’s kids probably wouldn’t, though. At least, not once they realized what terrible, terrible advice Ulquiorra was liable to give.
Kid: Sam still hasn’t called me back! What do you think that means?
Ulquiorra: Sam is mostly likely dead.
Kid: GO FOR THE BUSY OPTION FIRST, DAD
5. He’d be totally cool with any emo phases.
Since Ulquiorra himself seems to be in a permanent one.
Ulquiorra: Here is a black T-shirt with a picture of a crying skull.
Ulquiorra: I think that would work well for prom.
Kid: Or……maybe this pink floofy dress?
Ulquiorra: Wait you like things that are floofy?
6. He would always be willing to pick his kids up.
And would do so even without being asked if, say, his kids were out past curfew.
Ulquiorra: [appearing suddenly]
Ulquiorra: It is time to go.
Kid: Da-ad! I’m only like ten minutes late!
Ulquiorra: Well yes I was very generous thank you.
7. He would make them Halloween costumes.
Since Ulquiorra loves to sew (and can apparently guess your size by looking at you), he would of course make Halloween costumes for his kids.
Ulquiorra: I was thinking that you could be a strawberry, and you could be a panther.
Kid: But strawberries aren’t scary!
Ulquiorra: You might be surprised.
8. He would make a big deal about leaving someone in charge.
When Ulquiorra needed to leave for a while, he’d leave one of his kids in charge - but he’d always make a big deal about what a big responsibility that was.
Ulquiorra: The house is now in your hands.
Ulquiorra: Try not to die.
Ulquiorra: You could at least look up from your book when I am being dramatic.
9. He would be no help at all with biology homework.
Ulquiorra: But on a test, how do you know whether the question is literal or metaphorical? What if they are metaphorically asking for the location of the heart?
Kid: On tests, it’s usually literal.
Ulquiorra: It seems that they should specify that.
Kid: Please don’t call my teacher again!
10. He just wouldn’t do well with emotions.
Because as much as Ulquiorra might try, human emotions remain a mystery that cannot be solved.
Ulquiorra: Do not cry about your broken toy, small child.
Ulquiorra: I will show you true despair.
Ulquiorra: See? According to this newspaper, millions of people are dying every day.
Ulquiorra: That is so much sadder than a broken toy.
Ulquiorra: Now you are crying harder.
Ulquiorra: Well at least you understand.
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