;)

[nothinguwannaknow]

Czy to się kiedyś skończy..?

[nothinguwannaknow]

Nothing hurts more than seeing myself in the same situation after getting better for a while.

[nothinguwannaknow]

I've convinced myself I'm hard to love and I don't know how to unlearn that not because anyone ever told me I was but because people left me without explaining why because they got quiet when I needed them to be loud because I always felt like I was too much or not enough or maybe even both so I started reading rejection into everything even silence even kindness because when you've been left enough times you start to think that anyone being nice to you must have an expiration date that they're only being kind because they don't know you yet that love is a limited time offer that once they see the fine print they'll leave too and now when someone does stay I start wondering how long It'll last what version of me they'll get tired of what part of me they'll slowly pull away from it's exhausting to feel like you're always on the verge of being forgotten but here's what I'm learning maybe it's not that I'm hard to love maybe I've been asking the wrong people to try I don't want to flinch at kindness anymore I don't want to question love just because I've lost it before I'm learning to believe that some people mean it when they stay and one day I'll stop bracing for goodbye.

[nothinguwannaknow]

My mother gave me her strength, but she gave me her pain too.

Her anger became mine, her fear followed me everywhere.

She said she loved me, but her love felt heavy-something I had to carry, not something that carried me.

I've tried to forgive her, but forgiveness feels like letting her win, like saying all the hurt she caused was somehow okay.

book: the scars that made me

[nothinguwannaknow]

I met the saddest and the worst version of me this year, I lost my spark, I lost my everything.

[nothinguwannaknow]

This year is a disaster.

[nothinguwannaknow]

But I don't think you'd be proud of

how I'm turning out

I'm rarely happy and if I am

It's because it's temporary

[nothinguwannaknow]

Tell me you know what you did. I don't need you to say you're sorry, I don't want the apology you don't mean. I just want your acknowledgment.

I want you to take accountability for it. I want you to look me in the eye, Mom, and tell me you understand the ways you failed both for your children.

I don't need an apology. Don't tell me you're sorry, I'm tired of hearing you repeat words you do not mean. Just look at me and tell me you know what you've done and didn't care.

Tell me you knew what you were doing but did it anyway.

[niesmialo-sc]

Stłumię emocje po raz kolejny, po raz kolejny udam, ze sie nie przejmę

[nothinguwannaknow]

If you asked me how I feel on a deeper level

I'd say i feel alone and drowned in negative thoughts. feel like im not good enough. I feel i don't belong. I will tell you i'm struggling to stay happy for the people i love without being angry. I'm angry with the world i don't know why. I hate who i am. I'd tell you my anxiety level is high. I'd tell you that i'm losing interest in the things i love doing. I feel like waking up everyday is getting more and more hard for me. I'd tell you everything i do i always mess up. I feel like i'm not good enough to do anything. I'm not motivated to do anything but just stay in my room in the dark by myself. I feel like no matter what i do i always end up feeling like i have no reason to be around anyone. I would say that i'm not sure if i'm depressed. That i'm not sad but im not exactly happy either. i can laugh and joke and smile during the day but when i'm alone at night i just feel kinda numb. That's what i would say on a deeper level.

[nothinguwannaknow]

I don't know how much longer I can do this..

[nothinguwannaknow]

Nieustannie czuję ten lęk i ból

Coraz bardziej chyba zaczynam myśleć

że to wszystko jest bez sensu.

[nothinguwannaknow]

do you think of me, mom, in the middle of the night, when you can't sleep. or have you gotten used to life without me?

when you are out on a walk, and you see a mother with her daughter, do you remember that you have one?

do you regret all the time that's passed and wish you could go back?

in the middle of the night, when you can't sleep.

do you think of me, mom?

[nothinguwannaknow]

"I wish I could ever see you as a mother, not as a person who didn't see me hurting and choose addiction every time u gave me a hope for nothing and I give you a fucking chance. Even though I'm still thinking about you I'm not gonna let myself hurt again. I'm done with you because it's destroyed me".

[nothinguwannaknow]

I'm falling

And I'm scared that this time I'm not gonna get up.

[nothinguwannaknow]

I hate

getting

flashbacks

from things

I don't

want to

remember.

[nothinguwannaknow]

I want to be happy but something inside me

Screams that I do not deserve that.