d.h.

My thoughts are screaming endless obsessions in successions of lust, love, and fear

[nova-fata]

And when they tell me that I can’t, that is when I shall [grow] the most.

The thing with nature is, it always overcomes. The thing with LIFE is that it always finds a way. [where is it going?] it’s going where ever you let it.

Find balance in the [earthquakes] and breathe. Look around you, astounding isn’t it? The patterns, the variance. The colors of everything from the millions of shades I’ve seen the sky, to that [warm dark brown of his eyes].

Imagine the statistically improbability that we’re even alive. There’s been millions of years, countless beings- alive. We’re alive.

I’m so scared of where I go when I shut my eyes but around me is a bewilderment of breathtaking feats of it all.

If you could choose to be anything why not be kind? Why not be gentle? Walk softly (dear friend), for the ground is unsteady and the wind is racing but we have so much farther to go. What a journey we’ve stumbled upon.

[nova-fata]

And when I look around me all I see is color- all I hear is the [white] noise surrounding me and everything in the world. We are nothing- we are everything. We are bold little black and while lines jutting across the abyss of a blacked out 3-D box. (at Ball State University) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNqk4v8Lr2u/?igshid=5g9ly074q434

[nova-fata]

I’m so tired {of wandering}.
But it’s better than the terror and panic {of seeing it all again}. God, fuck am I scared. I see {the faces and} the figures in the dark, I have since I was little. Right now, this is enough to save my mind from everything I’m so scared of. I’m facing it in forward, so please { please, my dear,} remember to grab a sweater- the recesses of the world are far, but … idk, I can [breathe]- I can see, and I’m not trembling anymore. #ptsd #nightterrors #awareness #adayinthelife #wandering #facingmyfears #mentalwellness (at Muncie, Indiana)


[nova-fata]

Why does it hurt to be alone even when I deserve it?

I mean why does it hurt when you punch a brick wall? Why does it hurt when we finally take the blade? Why does it hurt to always find out how awful life truly is.

I suppose- were human. when it rains it doesn’t just grow flowers. It cleans the ground of all the toxins. We could ask why all day long but it doesn’t change what is.

[nova-fata]

( Layers )

When you first said I love you

I had been counting down reasons to live.

I lied in the morning dew-

You gently wipe your shoes

off at the door of my timid mind.

The way your fingers trace the lines

Remind me of those ocean eyes-

Why have old things come to past

As new beginnings come again

But life is old,

For prophets for-told ,

-a heart of gold

Shall save the princess this time

[nova-fata]

As I lay here on this bed, I wonder if this is how it ends. The music’s still playing, the world is still turning- the people always stop, and wish that they can help. But what do you do with someone helpless? Cuddle in the sheets, please sing me sound to sleep. My ghost will slip right of my body at a quarter ‘fore 3. To early in the morning, to late enough to cry. Why does it feel like this is how I’ll die? I don't want to fall asleep; but the pain just isn't worth this. I'm praying for forgiveness, I'm praying for release. All the screams in my head are evanescent. The universe wants to take me, your grasping at the rope but the ropes made of sand, and I'm falling through your hands. Your desperate to hold on, I already feel gone.

d.h.

[nova-fata]

“You do as much as possible and it keeps me alive. You are what keeps me going... -I’m addicted to you, you’re my drug. Without you, I’d die. You were prescribed to me because you’re my medication to keep me going. I’m not expecting anything said back. I just- I don’t appreciate you..”

-b.m.b.

[nova-fata]

“But it’s never gonna be enough is it? It’s never gonna be more than just one, care-free instance before the world resettles in the weight of my chest.”

-d.h.

[nova-fata]

But all there is, is silence

So why’s there screaming in my head?

Turn the music way up,

So I hope I’m not better off dead.

I feel so disconnected,

Detached, and gone.

Like I’m just sitting through life,

Watching it all play along,

As though I have no effect,

There’s a hole where my heart should be

Scattered around it is pyroclastic debris

For it went off like a volcano

When I lost my love forever

So what do you know?

For all I know is emotionless numb,

That won’t seemingly get better

[nova-fata]

is this really it?

is this really it? every long day, just for the restless nights not to provide, an adaqaute hideaway from the terrors of life the pain and terrors with no guarantee of afterlife? there's probably no heaven, just like there's no hell there is no accession, maybe there's nothing and in a world full of stars each one dies out then travels so far to edge of the universe distant, and cold. why do we end up, feeling so alone? if there's millions like us, trapped here together, why is there no guarantee, it'll ever get better? we're stuck in our heads. but it's the only escape, from this god-awful place. so venturing forth in the abyss in my head the silece only screams one thing here: i'm better off dead.

[nova-fata]

It’s just us:

in our world

it’s you and me,

just how it’s meant to be,

in our world,

the sun smiles,

and there’s always a sweet song to sing.

The roses look the redest,

and leaves are just as green.

In our world, it’s just us,

baby,

I swear it’s just you and me.

There’ll be no one left

to stop us,

in the little world of ours.

And we’ll be stuck there forever,

locked in each other’s hearts.

We’ll build up a new family

like one they’ve never seen,

Where blood is stronger than

anything else,

this earth could ever bring.

[nova-fata]

what is enough? how would you describe me in an "adequate amount" please help me, clarify my meaning, my place. what does it mean to be broken? what's the point if your mentally ill? break open, these walls surrounding my heart and show me the world, anew, as though it were art. unfurl my body from the fetal position whisper to me sweet nothings tell me, in addition murmers of a better life one that isn't filled to the brim with trife.

[nova-fata]

i'm down on my knees praying to a god, in which, who knows to rightfully believe i feel foreign in my body just standing on the battlefield of the war in me, what i wouldn't give for someone to see but around my soul's all this cluttered debris of my shattered heart there's no way to gaher all the parts and put them back togeher, for you see, a giant piece is missing and nothing else will fit i yearn for the blessing of death, waiting for some sanity i feel numb, a black space, abstaining from emotions. going a snail's pace through life, crawling i'm calling out to you, new lover hoping you can get through these walls, or else i fear there's no hope

[nova-fata]

remind me how to love again

i don't know how to abstain

from the taste of your lips

the chest pain

is exhilarating

the love you seep into me

is intoxicating

i just want to give you it all

write you little love letters

sign you a post card

put on it, a little heart

i'm such a die hard

for you

your biggest fan

as if this is fate

all part of a massive plan

i'll abdicate

to you, my all

i can't wait

to share our fate

i see you more

than a lover

i mean it'd be okay

if you made me your little whore

but you're so wonderful

just be sure to catch my heart

before it hits the floor

you're such a work of art

i would love to be your

best friend, never again apart

i hope i'm not a bore

if i am,

i'll show you more

just be sure you close the door

because it's you i'd show my all

it's you i'd love to adore

d.h.

[nova-fata]

i just want to spill my guts

tell you my history

but who am i to discuss

a past, filled with fears

lack of peers

yearning for more than survival

i feel primal

back to the basic needs

afraid of the dark

with an ice cold heart

come light my fire

watch my passions grow

i can show you love

i've loved so much

while feeling so little

please, bestow

upon me your yearning,

your mania

your manic

cause anything would be better

than these dark shadows

i think i'm neurotic

'defined as a tendacy of anxiety,

depression,

self doubt'

i miss the pills,

my lack of will to feel

i miss my knight,

chasing off the night

with his valiant heart

never afraid to fight

my night terrors,

looming in every crevice

of my mind

i hope this doesn't scare you

cause this is just the preface

won't you come pick up

my shattered heart?

hold me through the dark?

and make me stay another night,

please,

won't you hold me through my fright?

i'd spill my guts

save no expence

just to feel alittle real

and condese

all my fears

into the words

that shall commence.

[nova-fata]

dreamy dream

calm down take a deep breath dear, think happy thoughts let that night terror disapper. curl up in the blankets that make you feel so small and close your eyes and let the night fall around you hold you, through the scary thoughts i know it's hard and you're shaken to your core but the universe has a dreamy dream coming filled with vanilla ice cream but even in the dream it'll be storming so you have to move past the fear and realize you're in a dreamy state with a loved one near for when you wake they'll be far away again. we're all connected though energies big and small, with ties stringing through our history and even go through the wall you've been building to make your solitary fortress. darling, i know lifes a mess but learn to fall in love with dreaming for today they are so rare i swear to you though they'll remind you why you're here i to am burdened by nightmares, night terrors, and insomnia but you have to remember it's the little things that will get you through this year.

[nova-fata]

when you have obsessive compulsive disorder

you never really get a free breath

all the thoughts, all the constantly refreshing images,

drag down, fill you up

and nest inside your lungs

there's nothing

there's everything

each thing weighs a ton

but you can't stop moving

can't sit down

no place to catch a breath

for when you have obsessive compulsive disorder

you don't really get quiet moments

each thought is screaming

each one makes you feel like bleeding

is the only way to let it out

but she,

i mean-

when i first saw her

all the thoughts in my head went quiet

all the ticks, all the blurred

images, everything

just-

quiet

all i could think

was

"how deep do those eyes go?"

"how long before you'd hit her soul?"

"what's she hiding behind those beautiful eyes?"

when i first saw her, all i could think about

was her smile,

how her red striped hair framed her face

and how i wanted her, just for awhile

just for a second

just for a year

just long enough to make the bad thoughts,

just disappear

and now, all i can think ab

is how her hand fit in mine

how our legs, grazed

how i didnt mind, her in my little bubble

in fact,

i wish she was there all the time

i don't want to say

"i love you"

but how else to you describe adoration

for the prettiest sky

how else do you portray the emotion

that is the first thing besides

the numb?

how else do you describe your feeling for the stars

or the moon-lit night?