Oakleys FanFiction accout

He/They/Xe/It Queer & Genderqueer

[oaktreetrash]

Eight Months

So often I feel like I’m not good enough for anything

But especially not you

I smile seeing how excited you get

And I ignore the sinking feeling I’ve had for weeks

The sinking feeling that the eight months

The eight months of doing my best

The eight months of reaching out

The eight months of choosing sleep over what lies in the dark

The eight months of making a choice,

Might all be thrown away,

Not because of you

Never because of you

But because of how I feel about you

How the love I feel for you is the same love I have felt a dozen times

Each with the same unhappy ending

Each time ending with me crying and wanting to never love again

But you know

You know how I feel

Yet you are still around

You said you just want to be friends

And I agreed

Not because I want to just be your friend

But because I need you to be my friend

More than I need to not feel heartbroken around you

So maybe the eight months will turn to nine. Maybe Nine to Ten.

Maybe I will hit a year.

A year of doing well enough.

A year of feeling exhausted, but still wanting to fight.

Because I know you

I know you care about me just as much as I love you

So maybe eight months won’t be eight months lost.

Maybe it will be the start of Nine months

[oaktreetrash]

Sad

Can I be less sad. I want to be better, I wish that I knew if the sadness would ever go away. Changing my meds, and adding other things. I just wish I knew what to do exactly, but maybe someday I will.

[oaktreetrash]

Unrequited Love Monologue

Can I call you when I’m feeling sad. I remember asking you that when we first became friends. I promised I would answer any calls from you if you did the same for me. But now that I’m here sad but not wanting to call you. Not because I don’t think you could help, but because I know that you are the one who made me feel this way. And I know that right now, you don’t need to feel the guilt of my sadness. But I really wish I could reach out to you. Tell you that I am feeling sad. That I felt my heart break, such a short time after I fixed it from my last heart break. But I also know that you will know why I am feeling this way. And I would rather be sad with you as my friend, then be sad with you gone from my life. And it is so scary to feel this way about someone, especially when I am so lost. Like what am I supposed to do with these feelings that you left me with. I am just hoping so much that I don’t end up hurting you with these feelings.

[oaktreetrash]

Unrequited

I knew since the first time I saw you

That I was going to fall in love with you

Seeing you for the first time smiling with your friend

You running out to spend time with me

But I also know that you don’t feel the same

I wish I could know why

Why am I not good enough

Not just for you

But for everyone

I wish I knew why I can never have love

It seems like a never ending cycle

I wish I could reach out and kiss you

But I also know that loving you

Could mean losing you entirely

I hope some day you can learn to love me

But im sure that it will never happen for me

[oaktreetrash]

Questions

TW: Mentions of Disordered eating, mentions of addiction, mentions of binge eating, mentions of weight, mention of  suicide attempt.

I am thinking that as I stuff my face 

About what my therapist said to me

How people have addictions to mask their pain 

I chug my third soda and wonder

What is causing me to do this

I shovel fries into my mouth and think

Could it be my mom and her two year obsession with eating and weight

I toss a chicken nugget into my mouth and speculate

Could it be my dad, who is also dealing with addictions

And the way his actions have hurt me, while his addiction hurts him 

I chug a milkshake and question 

Could it be how in middle school I was bullied into almost killing myself

I keep shovling food into my mouth, wondering 

What went wrong.

What have I done Wrong. 

[oaktreetrash]

In Common

I realized the second I saw you that I liked you

The way you walked into the room,

and the smile on your face

Their are so many things that might have first drawn me to you

But us playing games and getting to know each other

That is when I saw just how much in common we had

You looked so happy around me 

As I got to know you 

I figured out that all of what I first fell for was a facade

But I still like you, because what I learned after that 

Was we have more in common that I originally thought 

So when I started to enjoy what you enjoy 

I knew that we would fit together well

All of the past pain I had 

Melted away when I was with you

I knew that no matter what we could find something in common 

So darling, even if it takes years for the right circumstances

I promise that one day I will kiss you

[oaktreetrash]

Growing Up

Growing up 

We used to be so close

then you left

five years ago

you left

and it feels like 

the longer your gone

the further apart we are pulled

because your my family

you where my best friend for so log 

I’m sure you broke

you needed to leave

to get away 

to get out

but did you ever

Dare

to think about me 

You grew up

but left me behind

[oaktreetrash]

Goodbye

I’m gonna miss you

While you grow up

a country away

I’ve been with you 

for almost all your life

so much of it

but two days from now

You’ll be gone

maybe for good

I can hope not

but who truly knows 

I just hope you know

I’ll always be here

whether your 2 miles away

or 2000

I love you

[oaktreetrash]

Just Okay

What’s it like being okay

I don’t need perfect

Just okay 

Not popular

But, just okay for you

Because I’ve never been okay 

to you

just okay to you

I’ve always been bad

or wrong

but at what point 

can I just be okay to you

Because it seems lie we’ve 

been friends forever

but it seems like I’m never enough. 

[oaktreetrash]

Archive of My Works

Poetry: 

That Song: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/611091106040594432/that-song-a-poem

Miss You: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/626035137021378560/miss-you

Ok: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/626109004474630144/ok

Like You: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/631023264925417472/like-you

Hurt Again: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/631273010963365888/hurt-again

Us: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/631363603992346624/us

Monologes:

Lost: https://oaktreetrash.tumblr.com/post/614614351863808000/last

Fan Fiction:

Short Stories:

[princesskuragina]

I want to write. I have ideas. I open document. I type four of the worst sentences ever created in the english language. I daydream the rest of the scene. I close document.

[oaktreetrash]

Us

remembering the smile i had on my face 

when we last talked

the last time we spoke before i messed up

i wish i could go back, and take a photo of that joy

because sometimes it feels like it’s never coming back

i miss talking to you 

even though i know you’ve moved on 

and we where bad for eachother

by why can’t we just be friends

even though we broke up

i miss facetiming you while doing homework

i miss the nicknames you had for me

i miss everything about you

about us

[oaktreetrash]

hurt again

Everything seems to be going far to well

what is going to happen next

what happens if I can’t survive this

i may have survived worse 

but it broke me down

and now im here

wanting to not me be in this place

wanting to be with you 

wanting to kiss you 

but not wanting you to hurt me

because god forbit i get hurt again

i dont know if i could handle it

[oaktreetrash]

Like You

I wish I could tell you how I feel

But when I tell people how I feel 

I often end up hurt

I care about you

But maybe for now

We are meant to just be friends

I’m sure you like me too

But my signals in the past have been off

And i enjoy talking to you

So the idea of losing you

Someone i have started to care about

So much in such a short time

Is so terrifying to me

But i want to tell you that 

I like you 

I want movie dates where 

We watch each other's favorites

And share a big bowl of popcorn 

And maybe end up kissing

So maybe im scared

Why should i let that get in the way 

Of us being together 

Or at least trying

Because i care about you

[oaktreetrash]

OK

i am going to be ok 

not because of you 

but in spite of you

you made sure i was at my lowest

so now i am going to be better

you knew how to hurt me

because i let you in to my heart

but knowing what i know now 

that won’t happen again 

so in spite of you i will be ok 

i will get back on my feet 

i will make sure that you 

dont ever get to define me 

because i am better than that

i deserve better than you gave me

so after ok

i hope to hit great

so you can finally see

that the pain you caused didn’t break me

it just made me better than before

[oaktreetrash]

Miss You

I still don’t know why after all these months of not talking.

Of a Year since I messed everything up.

Why I still Miss you

Since then I have changed so much more than you know.

And I’m sure since then you have changed 

We’re no longer whole

But I still Miss you

I know It’s bad and I know I shouldn’t 

But I miss every part of you

I miss the parts of me, that I left with you

And I still hold tight to the parts you left with me

I miss being loved, and I miss knowing you where there

[oaktreetrash]

Last

I am still wondering if we are meant to last. I want us to last so bad. But everything changed. We had to put effort in to talk and to spend time together. And you stopped. You stopped putting in the effort. I wish I knew what happened. Did something happen with you, or did you finally realize that I wasn’t good enough. I thought our bond was unbreakable then it cracked during his transition. Then as I was recovering from that crack. You turned around and shattered it. YOU shattered our bond. And I am still trying to fix us. I ask you to hang out, and you deflect. And if you don’t want to fix us. If you don’t want to put in the effort to fix us. I should stop trying. Because it’s killing me. So I need to know, Do you want to fix us?