A post dump or whatever

I only come back to Tumblr every 2-5 business years whenever I'm hyperfixating on a piece of media. Currently Heated Rivalry.

[luulapants]

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

[themoonandmyman]

I have accepted the semi popular concept into my heartcanon (it’s deeper than headcanon…) that Shane doesn’t identify with gay culture. he thinks there’s something wrong with him, that he’s not gay enough, or whatever. Then he meets a bunch of dykes and everything clicks into place and before you know it he’s going white water rafting with, ironically, a woman named Jane and her beautiful trans wife Annie and their assortment of insane adrenaline junkie lesbian friends

[grabmyboner]

picture this it’s shane’s first time in a centaurs locker room pregame. captain ilya is giving his pregame pep talk in typical rozanov fashion. shane is discovering something about himself in real time watching ilya yelling and getting up in the guys faces making them nod in agreement to his words. ilya gets to shane as he’s rambling on about “i want to fucking win!” and then is like “you get that, hollander?” and shane is nodding slow and dazed and a “yes, sir” comes out without thought and then ilya and shane are staring at each other in complete silence for a long second heavy breathing before someone clears their throat and ilya snaps out of it and goes back to his hype speech.

[lavenderprose]

Things that are ACTUALLY in the Shane Hollander Mic'd Up compilation that we all wish we could watch through the portal:

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

- "Great goal. Great goal. Lyublyu tebya. Yes, baby, you did that."

[mutinsfromthemoon]

ilya mic’d up talking with his teammates about recipes he’s been trying recently and tricks he’s been trying to teach anya. and shane mic’d up barely having something that producers can actually use because of the amount of swears

[rozanovshane]

hollanov are obviously in competition to get tiny hollander-rozanov to say “daddy” or “papa” first. the best part is after all their attempts to coax one of the words out of them, their first word ends up being “anya”

[vesnuszki]

[ilyas-left-nut]

ilya’s trying so HARD to act nonchalant here it’s actually comical, when we ALL know that man is seconds away from begging on his hands n knees

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[rozy-babey81]

Rose: Baby, you're gay

Shane: WHAT? Is that why I love d*ck so much?? Wow, now that you mention it...I do have a lot of very non-hetero feelings for Ilya Rozanov....

Shane to Ilya: omg you gotta hear this

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Svetlana: I know that you're in love with J(Sh)ane

Ilya: You do?? Shit, I didn't even know that.... I do really wish he was here right now. I miss the sound of him breathing.

Ilya to Shane: I'm literally so in love with you that I can no longer function

[imgonnaeditstuff]

happy pride month shane and ilya!

gilbert baker's original pride flag and the colors' meaning

[sinmonger]

Shane Hollander + text posts (x)

[my-2nd-account]

[needyilyarights]

I think Ilya, as a retired party boy, absolutely loves a wedding because it’s like microdosing a club.

Ilya gets so excited when he and Shane get invited to weddings. He loves coordinating their suits and taking cute pictures outside the venue. He’s crying during the ceremony and squeezing Shane’s hand.

At the reception, he’s dancing with toddlers and grandmas. He’s making a toast. He’s slow dancing with his husband. He’s taking shots with the groomsmen and then, again, with the bridesmaids. He’s dragging Shane to the photo booth and is like “ok and now we do a silly one”. When it gets late in the night and the dance floor is full, he is bending over in front of Shane to Yeah! by Usher. Then he’s turning Shane around and pulling their hips together and whispering the lyrics to Don’t Stop The Music by Rihanna in his ear. His tie is around his head. He gets lost and is found smoking a cigar with someone’s uncle.

At the after party, he’s putting his black card down and is covering the entire tab. They’re closing the hotel bar down.

And at the end of the night, he’s sliding up to Shane like “so did you bring a date? How about we take this back to my room?” He’s fucking his husband into the mattress all night and is absolutely calling for a late check out.

[lavenderprose]

Do I think that Shane wants to self-identity as anything other than Hockey Player? No not really. I think he would be perfectly content and happy to exist with no labels on his person. As far as he's concerned he is a Stanley Cup Winner and the whole husband thing is just a fun fact. Like yes, I broke the brains of an entire generation of hockey fans when my homosexual affair made international news. It's fine, I married him. Now back to my Cup wins. I have three. Now that I play on the same team as Ilya Rozanov I'll get more. He's the second-best player in the league. What? Yeah he has a husband too. Yeah it's me. We're not talking about that though.

Do I also think that Shane should be allowed to, whenever it would have the most effect, bring any given conversation to a screeching halt by rolling his eyes, announcing, "I'm too much of a bottom for this shit," and walking away? Yes I do. The man has suffered more than Christ and he deserves it.

[ilyapasta]

One side of the argument says hollanov fucked rough and nasty in the tampa hotel, the other side says it was slow and tender but we don’t have to fight. We can have both. They can fuck twice. I’m so serious. I don’t think they talk much, the first time. Let alone first names. It’s a physical reunion made potent by the unsaid things, fast with just hands and mouths searching for the other. Then they talk, sprawled in bed. Just small talk, catching up. They’ve missed each other so fucking much, and something is different now, a wall torn down. The second time is slower, Ilya putting Shane on his hands and knees like Shane likes but going slow, taking their time. And then they do it a forbidden third time after they’ve showered, both shaking and oversensitive when Shane pulls Ilya back inside him, face to face, and Ilya says something in Shane’s ear so soft and whispery enough that Shane pretends he doesn’t hear it, to spare himself and also to spare Ilya, because it’s enough that Ilya says it at all: Fine, you’re right, Hollander, you win Shane, you fucking win, Shane…

[handsywoman]

the way Ilya's hand never stops moving during this scene...

[raincitygirl76]

Ilya Rozanov: multitasker extraordinaire. He can absolutely give his situationship a handjob and discuss how they’ve accidentally become monogamous. Without needing to stop either activity.

[raincitygirl76]

Ilya has been hooking up with Shane for seven years at this point. He knows that when Shane has an idea, it’s best just to go with it. Once Shane has talked out his idea, he will once again notice that Ilya’s hand is still in his pants. And be happy about that. So Ilya might as well just leave his hand where it is while he and Shane talk.