Not Actually A Space Cowboy

No one calls me Maurice mid-40s queer mom Do no harm, but take no shit Prettiest Fucking Princess...Cookies on the left, punch on the right, ass all over...

[tatzelwurming]

all the best weed in america comes from a single farm run by the last bigfoot in existence

[michaelnordeman]

Blackbird/koltrast. Värmland, Sweden (March 31, 2023).

[nattousan]

[dingdongyouarewrong]

i'm getting the sense some of you are not actually forklift certified.

[averagejoey2000]

[dingdongyouarewrong]

well damn . egg on my face

[dingdongyouarewrong]

THE PLOT THICKENS @averagejoey2000 explain yourself

[averagejoey2000]

I can't believe this is how I'm finding out that I got a scam forklift cert.

I took the cargo ops class at school but my teacher explained that it doesn't give a certification and I'd only be okay for ship's crane and the school forklifts. she said I could take an online exam and get my cert. I paid 60 bucks.

I'm googling and I'm seeing a lot of resources saying that the online programs cover the classroom part of the exam but not the in person practical aspect.

29 CFR 1910.178 (l)(2)(ii)

but I did the in person practical shit at school.

[averagejoey2000]

the back of the card even had fancy numbers on it. I couldn't have known that this isn't the one. this website sounded more official than certifyme.net, and there wasn't one with a .gov address.

[averagejoey2000]

so, I emailed OSHA, and they said that so long as I live and work in California, there's no such thing as forklift certification. I have to be told how to do it every time I get the job.

[averagejoey2000]

Update: I took a certification class in shipboard Material Handling Equipment at my federal job. *now* I'm forklift certified, but only on ships and piers and only for this company, but also rated to forklift explosives and hazardous materials. Also I'm a woman now.

[headspace-hotel]

I’ve been reading about werewolves on Wikipedia and I just have to say. “Werewolves are warriors that descend into hell to fight demons” kicks unbelievable amounts of ass as a concept

[bethanyactually]

Do you live in our nation’s fair capital of Washington DC? If not, were you planning on traveling there this weekend to watch the annual Fourth of July festivities and fireworks on the National Mall? Great! Have fun! Take the usual precautions. Stay hydrated — the District’s heat and humidity in the summer are no joke! Don’t drink and drive. The crowds might be overwhelming, so be kind and patient with others. Particularly the public servants trying to keep things moving — they are giving up their holiday so you can enjoy yours!

Finally, wear a respirator at all times, as if you were spraying your house for termites or mining minerals on an asteroid. Wait, what?

Yes, wear a respirator. Because according to the Washington Post, the massive fireworks display is expected to produce so much air pollution that the National Park Service itself suggests — in internal documents because why actually warn the public of the danger — people “remain indoors as much as possible during and after the show.”

Apparently the levels of the type of particulate that’s the biggest concern are projected to be between about 60-120 TIMES the acceptable level, and those particulates could persist for three to six hours post finale. The National Park Service is recommending N95 masks while outdoors and the use of HEPA filters indoors.

(I’ll throw a recommendation here for the good ol’ inexpensive Corsi-Rosenthal box.)

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

Was talking to a coworker today who explained that her grandfather was like Snow White “but Californian. And an old man.” in that the creatures of the forest would follow him around and presumably duet with him.

“When he died the ravens sat in the trees outside for a week, watching. Taking turns. A horde of raccoons tried to break into the house every night, tearing at the siding. Eventually they gave up, but it was unsettling.”

“Aww. They were checking on him!” I said, like a normal person. Internally, I thought “Maybe you could do the thing you do with dead pets, where you show them to the living pets so the living pet understands they’re gone. But I guess if you did that to a bunch of scavenging species, they’d be like “Well, that’s very sad but he IS food now.” So what you’d need, for human sensibilities, is some sort of transparent corpse barrier. Like a see-through coffin oh that’s what the dwarves were doing! You’ve stopped paying attention to this conversation about the loss of a beloved family member you gotta phase back in.”

[sun-ni-day]

oh that's what the dwarves were doing

[danielcalmdown]

[inkxlenses]

Polar Bear Plays in Flower Fields | © Dennis Fast

[best-of-memes]

[hometoursandotherstuff]

Which 2 to choose?

[animentality]

[achievement-hunter]

[textandimageenjoyer]

[tearsovercaprisuns-deactivated2]

how is the kentucky derby not trending on here?? the horse with the lowest odds wins and immediately starts biting everything in its sight, that sounds like a tumblr legend to me

[sneakyspades]

oh my fucking god

[phantom-cosmos]

This horse wasn’t even supposed to be in the race. Horse number 20 (can’t remember it’s name) dropped out the day before for whatever reason, and Rich Strike was just barely able to sneak a spot into the derby before the deadline. Not to mention that this was just some garbage $30,000 horse that didn’t have any kind of impressive breeding (yes I am aware $30k is still a lot, but for a Kentucky Derby horse, that’s chump change). He was the second biggest upset in the history of the Derby, with one other horse (Donerail) winning with 91-1 odds before in 1913 (Which, for reference, I’m pretty sure Donerail with his 91-1 odds still holds the record for the worst odds in the history of the race. Just for context of how shit Rich Strike’s 80-1 odds were. Not THE worst, but definitely up there).

I am in love with this shit horse who wasn’t even supposed to be there, had some of the worst odds in the history of the race, and had the worst starting position who completely destroyed all of the favorites to win. Watching him come up to first right at the last second was THRILLING.

[jackhawksmoor]

This story is fucking hilarious

So Rich Strike has barely won a race, but he ALWAYS shoots up in the last stretch. He goes from 11th to 4th, from 8th to 3rd. Rich Strike hits the final corner and suddenly gets flashbacks to his previous life as a Klingon warrior. He starts snarling curses and heads for the finish line like it insulted his ancestors and must PAY, that's just how he runs races

And this was a blisteringly fast time for the Kentucky Derby- one of the fastest races EVER. When the announcer realized the time when they hit the halfway point he was like "Jesus CHRIST" It was incredible. Which means the lead horses, the favorites, were sprinting as hard as they could the entire race. By the time they got to the end they were exhausted

And here comes Rich Strike, turns the last corner and his vision goes red. The lead horses can't pick up the final sprint like usual- they already ARE going flat out. Rich Strike comes up on the inside, NOT exhausted by fighting for the lead spot, howling "DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR" like the complete fucking lunatic he is and just blows past everyone

He's ready to kill. He wants to tear into some Romulans and destroy the Federation, and he wins everything

Then the guy on horseback whose job it is to help slow the running horses down after they cross the finish line comes up and Rich Strike LOSES HIS SHIT

He bites the other horse, he bites the rider, he bites himself. He's like "oh you think you can slow ME down?! I'LL KILL YOU. QAPLA!"

He's completely insane and I love him

[thesylverlining]

Hail to the KING. I watched this happen on TV last year, Best shit i have ever seen and the only time I have cared about the Kentucky derby.

He screams out of nowhere with the fires of hell at his hooves, and the audience started BOOING THIS HORSE as he went to collect his roses. A thousand rich fucks mad as hell, hating the guts of this insane rando who has ruined their party. Huge Lokasenna energy (look this up lol).

[heavensghost]

I love with my teeth

[havingapoemwithyou]

Prayer for werewolves by Stephanie Burt

[teaboot]

I just want everyone to eat well and get old

[teaboot]

every single one of us should have the chance to get old and bald and wrinkly and fat. I mean that sincerely

[ruffboi-mags]

So apparently, over the summer, Quibi (the shortest-lasting streaming service ever lmao) did a quarantine project called “Home Movie: The Princess Bride” where a bunch of celebrities recreated The Princess Bride in tiny chunks at home.

And like there was no permanent cast, all these celebrities seem to have gotten a scene or part of a scene to do (i’m not sure exactly, I did not ever watch Quibi and thus haven’t seen this yet), and then they just… recreated it as best they could. At home. Under quarantine.

So like, you had Jennifer Garner in a blanket cape playing Princess Buttercup AND the Booing Old Woman with a crowd comprised entirely of stuffed animals:

Or Taika Waititi paying Westley off a badly-drawn Inigo on a piece of cardboard held in front of someone’s face:

And it’s all just delightful.

But my absolute favorite part of this thing that I’ve sadly never seen but assume is probably absolutely hilarious and a treasure and I want to find it some day and watch the whole thing… is that Carey Elwes is in it.

As Prince Fucking Humperdink.

[movebackintime]

https://youtu.be/lR8pA_WV9QI

Here ya go

[laziestgirlintown]

In case you need a comfort watch and because Youtube search nowadays sucks rancid farts, I remind you of the Princess Bride Home Movie from the lockdown, starring everybody

[geopsych]

One of the things that bears repeating before the hot weather takes over is that once your body reaches a certain temperature you can no longer count on making good decisions that you would normally make and you can no longer count on your physical coordination.

Keeping yourself as cool as possible isn't being weak or wimpy. It's protecting your capacity to think and move well if you need to.

In France and other countries last week it was clear that some people died from doing things they never would have done had they been thinking clearly. That confusion can happen to anyone and it comes sooner than people expect. Please, my Tumblr friends in places that will be getting very hot this week, be safe! Don't tough it out and don't take chances. Go somewhere cool if you can and of course, hydrate!