Out of Context Puzzle in a Thunderstorm

Out of context funny quotes (and otherwise quotable bits) from various PIAT podcasts, including D&D Minus, God Awful Movies, Citation Needed, The Scathing Atheist, and The Skepticrat. Not affiliated with PIAT.

[outofcontextdnd]

“The real treasure was this tenth-level wizard’s spellbook we found in the ooze’s nest! The friends we made along the way can suck it.”

[windsroad]

why do people in dnd each occupy a 5ft by 5ft square, how far apart do you think people need to be? why are dnd minis afraid of touching

[windsroad]

dnd minis standing five feet apart in a dungeon cuz they’re not gay

[brunhiddensmusings]

look, if the guy to my left has to do the turbo-macarena while charging a bolt of flesh melting while the guy on my right is doing every bruce lee move at the same time and the guy in front of me is flourishing a broadaxe like hes doing yo-yo tricks im going to give each of them enough floorspace to not liquefy myself

[new-godhead]

they’re practicing social distancing

[outofcontextdnd]

“Can we establish fantasy OSHA?”

[prokopetz]

Twelve standard Dungeons & Dragons player character backstories:

Heroic fighter for truth, justice, and killing bad guys and taking their stuff

Dwarf dwarfing dwarfily something something dwarfdom

On the run from the law due to a harmless misunderstanding in which eight people died

Bad gambling debts with the actual Devil

Likes swords a little too much

Traveller from a far-away land whose particulars don’t really matter because it’s mostly an excuse to put on an outrageous accent

Just, like, really hates their dad

Member of a group that seemingly consists entirely of kind-hearted loner rebels against a nebulously oppressive status quo

Unjustly persecuted for the trivial peccadillo of eating people’s faces

Evil in theory

Novella-length tale of tragedy and intrigue that’s somehow never relevant in actual play

Hoping no one notices they lifted their backstory from a Naruto character

[ooc-piat]

Not PIAT, but D&D-related. I really ought to get back to posting here.

[dweeg]

dungeons and dragons always has great stuff. there’s a jug that you can use to create 2 gallons of mayonnaise at will, like it’s actually written in the dungeon masters guide can you believe that

[hobbitsetal]

things my party and i have received in the course of our campaign:

a rock of gravity detection. you hold it out and release it. if it falls, gravity is working.

a wand of magic missiles…and polymorph. i can hit anything i shoot at, but i’ll also turn into a random creature. i’ve been an alligator, an octopus, and a tiny demon so far.

a cloak of tongues. sounds like you’d learn random languages, yeah? NOPE, THINK AGAIN SUCKER. you get to taste anything for like 30 yards around. our halfling informed us we all taste gross.

2 different rings of invisibility–one makes me invisible, but only to myself. the other makes me marginally stealthier, but also makes me absolutely convinced that i’m completely invisible.

the thespian mask of duality. two personalities become mortal enemies within the wearer. the effect is permanent.

and finally, the shield of protection. when you use it in combat, it will use your body to shield itself from harm.

[dweeg]

God these are good

[the-capricious-one]

@pitbullmabari @neornithes

[ooc-piat]

Ideas for Eli.

[teathattast]

[ooc-piat]

I got sidetracked by other stuff since April, but I do intend to restock the queue here, especially now that the limit has gone from 300 to 1000 posts. No promises on when, but this blog isn't abandoned.

[ooc-piat]

Anna: "Insight to see if he was bluffing!"

Eli (DM): "Uh…"

Anna: "That's nat one."

Eli (DM): "He's--"

Anna: "Never mind."

Eli (DM): "He's definitely bluffing, it's definitely in his ass, Anna, it's 100. […] Bridgette is never more sure of anything than it's in his ass."

[ooc-piat]

Guard NPC: "It's not in his ass, we checked, like a couple of times, it's not in his ass."

[ooc-piat]

Heath/Dave: "Can I roll a perception check to know it's in his ass?"

[ooc-piat]

Floon Poff NPC: "The good news is, friends, I have managed to secrete the item somewhere where these dregs of society have been unable to locate it."

Bridgette: "Did you stick it up your butt?"

Dave: "Yes, you're talking about ass."

Floon Poff NPC: "NO, it's not up my ass!"

[ooc-piat]

Floon Poff NPC: "Are you planning a prison break?"

Bridgette: "Aren't you?"

Floon Poff NPC: "No, no, I've just been sitting here waiting for someone to rescue me."

Snederick: "Lucky you, this sure is your lucky day."

[ooc-piat]

Floon Poff NPC: "Oh, who are you?

Bridgette: "We're the people who were sent to, uh, rescue you, but you see how well that turned out for us, so…"

[ooc-piat]

Floon Poff NPC: "I say, dragonborn, are you a brigand?

Dave the Dragonborn: "What is a brigand?"

Floon Poff NPC: "Oh, like a scalawag, a [come thruster?], a [sham shall say?]…"

Snedrick: "He's a scalawag, I'll go ahead and tell you."

Floon Poff NPC: "A scalawag, I was hoping to meet one on my adventure!"

[ooc-piat]

Eli (DM): "Would anyone like to make a perception check and, I dunno, fuckin' look around the room?" […] "Just for shits and giggles."

[ooc-piat]

Snedrick: "Wait a minute, is that where you stick your tongue in my butt and go around in circles? Because you can still do that, I mean, if you're waiting for permission…"

Guard NPC: "No, it's where you put someone's head down a toilet, but I don't know if toilets exist because, fantasy--I think--they exist, they exist--then you put someone's head in the toilet. You know what a swirly is. I'm ignoring you."

[ooc-piat]

Guard NPC: "I wish we didn't work for such a classy gang, I'll tell ya. We would've given you a real…swirly."

Snedrick: "Wait a minute, is that where you stick your tongue in my butt and go around in circles? Because you can still do that, I mean, if you're waiting for permission…"

[ooc-piat]

Anna/Bridgette: "I'm going to manifest the door to look like a giant--the fire's gonna turn into the shape of a giant middle finger."

Guard NPC: "Oh real classy, real classy, whoever did that. All right, you come in here, you lie to me in my place of business, now you make rude, that's fine, that's fine."

Snedrick: "He's got three fours, y'all, he's got three fours."

Guard NPC: "Oh, and this guy's ruining the game!" […] "I wish we didn't work for such a classy gang, I'll tell ya. We would've given you a real…swirly."