meursault

so charmin' its alarmin' Full-blown, officially ASPD most of my posts are going to be about psychopathy, drugs, and so on But I'm a little sweetheart I promise. Asks are welcome

[oohsosneaky]

Untitled (1984) - Zdzisław Beksiński

I don't know, something about connection in spite of great difficulty of doing so speaks to me. I think the reason why my eye latched onto it was that it resonates with my feeling that although it's fleeting and these feelings are so muted as to almost impossible to grasp sometimes, I still feel their absence. It feels, you know, like I'm trying to make that happen in spite of what is a hollow and meaningless reality. In the past, I always felt contempt in the universe, something along the lines of a "hateful God" behind all of existence, but that's mostly gone now. I think in Beksinski's work this vibe is something I've related to in the past. Now, though, that's gone, and what's left is broadly detachment and meaninglessness. As a feeling, I mean - I still try to create meaning manually. I get told sometimes that I idealize the concepts of connection and sensitivity, and I think it's true in a sense - the grass is always greener, and all that - but just logically speaking I think if it was less significant it wouldn't be a subject of so much thought and artwork.

And with this art, you know - I think the key thing that I relate to is looking away from the callous indifference of my own perception towards naive connection and finding some solace in that.

[oohsosneaky]

I had a metric fuckton of phenobarbital last night just to see if it would make me feel more chill and I had no idea its half-life is like on average 80-120 hours and now I feel emotionally dead the way I usually am but now I don't even have spiteful energy to keep me going

who coulda thunk that a depressant would make me feel depressed

[antisocial-hatred]

hi i was bored and prepared these slides to explain ASPD and Psychopathy at a neurobiological level, based on a bunch of classics on the subject (esp C. J. Patrick's 900 pages book "Handbook of Psychopathy")

let me know what you think if you read it, whether there's something missing or anything to add, and in a few days i'll also publish a pdf (made by me, and on which these slides are based) on my telegram channel that explains more in depth, if you're interested leave a comment and i'll send you the link when it's up! :)

[oohsosneaky]

i saw your comment on someone's post saying that psychopathy does not necessarily mean aspd, what do you mean by that?

from my (albeit limited) knowledge, i understand that not all pwasd are psychopaths, but all psychopaths have aspd. unless i misunderstood your comment i feel like that idea is the same as how edgelords say theyre psychopaths because they "manipulate" everyone they meet 😭😭

Well, basically psychopathy is a separate construct. ASPD is the associated personality disorder, yes, but a personality disorder is something clinical, something inherently dysfunctional. A person can have psychopathic traits regardless. And with proper upbringing, those traits don't develop into a disorder. Mental health is all temperament and character - temperament meaning mostly genetics, and character being a product of a person's experiences. These also overlap and have interplay, as epigenetic modifications occur over a person's lifespan and change temperament. It's possible for a person who has psychopathic traits due to genetics to be well-adapted and functional. I'm trying to achieve that personally, for example. Disorders can be treated successfully, with people no longer meeting all the criteria required for the disorder. So if I achieve that with proper medication and mental health adjustments, personal work and growth, I will no longer have ASPD technically speaking, but I will still be a psychopath due to how my brain is structured.

The idea that all psychopaths by default have ASPD is something mentioned in the book "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" by Kevin Dutton but to be honest I don't think that's correct. I've met a number of people who are disinhibited, are callous, and are bold. This puts them on a the psychopathic spectrum as per the triarchic model of psychopathy. But they're well-adapted, and succeed in life.

One of those people is my father. His psychopathy impacts his life in clear ways, but he performs well, does not break the law, conforms to social norms, is not deceitful, has regard for his own safety and that of others, and is reasonably responsible. However he is impulsive, lacks remorse entirely, is callous and is bold. Whereas my behavior lands me firmly into ASPD criteria! For now, anyway. I hope this mentality is not considered ableist, or whatever, for thinking you can successfully treat disorders. I think some might consider this an attempt to subdue, or erase identity. To be clear, I don't think psychopathy can be "cured". I think the dysfunctional aspects of ASPD can be treated.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

"What's it like being friends with an aspd?"

If you're loyal, considered valuable and in many cases irreplaceable; You'll have someone to call at 3 in the morning about a problem & we'll bring a shovel and won't ask any questions.

[oohsosneaky]

I mean I'll ask many questions after the fact because it's exciting but yeah. And I think people find that valuable, but I haven't really thought of a way to convey to people "you can trust me because I don't give a fuck" yet without basically going mask off.

[oohsosneaky]

ASPD and love, also emotion in general

Saw this post on Discord:

I find that ASPD is better explained as high affective threshold. In relationships I rarely feel genuine love, I feel more quiet and mild fondness, and even then it's most often lost in the background noise. But limerence, which captures my attention and stimulates me and is very intense, makes me lose my mind. Which basically makes for a very whiplash experience. It's that way really with most things where if something captures my attention, it does very hard but for a limited period of time until emotion is lost under the threshold for me "detecting" it.

This makes for seemingly shallow, intermittent one-tone experience with emotion. Halftones are lost, and the peaks are muted reactively, as well just to retain some control.

I think the poor experience with peaks of emotion also naturally leads to choosing to suppress emotion further, in addition to already existing neurodivergent high affective threshold.

Not to extend that to everyone, though, but that has been my experience. I so very rarely genuinely get moved by emotion that I settle into unemotionality besides "safe" emotions such as ones I consider presentable or affable. This is definitely mixed with NPD in my case, but I'm certain ASPD came first, as it runs in the family.

[angelbumbum]

i am once again experiencing urges and desires

[angelbumbum]

y’all thinking this is a horny post but it’s about violence actually

[oohsosneaky]

what's the difference?

[maive-the-sheep]

As someone officially diagnosed with aspd.

I don't get the problem people have with self diagnosers.

Aspd on record means if go to jail get a worse sentence.

Aspd on record means many therapist in their ableism will refuse to help with any problem.

I knew i had no guilt or shame or affective empathy or feelings of compassion from earliest memories. I didn't suddenly lose those feelings when i got diagnosed.

And there is genetic evidence for aspd.

And there are psychologists that view it more like a neurodevelopmental disorder.

"Well the dsm 5"...was written by people who used studies only on prisoners for their results so it became more action focused over internal as a way to reinforce the prisoner claim.

And it's a work in progress authority...that you are blindly obeying and believing? Now that's a trait that doesn't fit aspd.

Reflect on actual symptoms like problems with boredom. Lower, missing, or weirdly selective care for feelings of compassion, affective empathy, guilt, shame, care. Things viewed differently for you then norm. Urges. Response to things. Having rules need to be explained to make sense and not just accepted in their own right. Etc.

Knowing a spectrum and if fit enough, fit enough.

And then if fit do the best to use how different for best way forward. Like i use my selfishness for long term prisoners dilema as a motivation for me to do good. I turned my high anger into motivation. I found beauty in various things as an alleviation for boredom. Etc.

Tl;dr those "with aspd" trying to fake claim others cause no official diagnoses...are the ones most likely to not have aspd.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

Literally. If you do extensive research and learn about the topic as opposed to a quick google search identification and find you relate to it, that you can derive some sort answers, meaning or help in working towards living a more satisfactory life. Go for it by all means. I'm certainly not going to stand in your way.

I don't think anyone has a problem with that I believe the problem lies in the uneducated fools that identify with it and also the clout chasers seeking out reactionary attention to supplement their other unmet and largely ignored needs.

[oohsosneaky]

I diagnosed myself. I immediately AFTERWARDS went to a therapist to ask if this sounded correct, and THEN went to a psychiatrist who confirmed the ASPD diagnosis. For a long time prior to this, I had no idea that "sociopathy" is a meaningless term, and psychopathy broadly is much simpler as a construct than you'd think. I defined myself as a "sociopath" to myself for a LONG time prior to diagnosis. I just didn't know that it wasn't like... A character trait from trauma? And that blinded me to understanding how much of a fundamental, definitional trait that is to my entire life. I think psychopathy awareness, possibly rebranded to be like "low affect disorder" or "survival-structured personality" would let MANY more people actually correctly understand they're suffering from the affective deficit issue and get appropriate treatment. Even if it is self-administered.

[aspdfeels]

Kids who haven’t had their pain sensory taken seriously & have been neglected, controlled, or abused while in pain (or coddled yet emotionally neglected) may become desensitized with certain pain responses (e.g not feeling shots at all because the brain blocked the pain receptor when they faced the medical trauma of restraining or an angry parent for them…. Behaving like a human in pain). But they may lose their shit and get angry and break things when they skin their unironically because of the pain being too overwhelming. Which is fair! That hurts!

So in the aspect of ASPD: it isn’t super uncommon for pwASPD who are otherwise nonviolent to physically assault or engage in underhanded physical assault against someone they see as sexually or emotionally threatening to them because they were taught that physical aggression was the only way for them to be taken seriously. Children who develop ASPD may have been 100% and completely disregarded emotionally or even coddled in ways where their own boundaries were violated so when they grow up, they may become very physically reactive while not even being a physical abuser. So a lot of people with domestic violence charges may not even be abusive, but society sees physical aggression “worse” than literal sexual coercion, sexual grooming, emotional coercion, and emotional grooming, especially if the victim of emotional / sexual abuse is a man and he happened to back hand his abuser at some point.

Disclaimer: this statement does not excuse or perpetrate or justify men abusing women. Do not draw conclusions on my post about ASPD.

[oohsosneaky]

When I argue I tend to hold my hands behind my back which may look condescending to some, but it's GENUINELY because I don't trust my aggressive body language and I'm physically restraining myself from escalating violence. I'm fucking cuffing myself so I don't hit you.

[oohsosneaky]

Reading the stimulants category on Wikipedia

And it has got me remembering all the stimulants on my bucket list and I'm just so excited for the future where I'm stable enough to fuck up my mental health again with them

[antisocial-pd-culture-is]

ASPD culture is powerwalking and slamming doors and cabinets and shit and in general just being a fucking menace while genuinely being in a good mood, like I just have a lot of aggressive energy sorry lmao no I'm not angry, I just am anger

★

[oohsosneaky]

To add to this, I really need to get these fixed before they just entirely snap off

[b2ndage]

therapy doesn’t work for me and feels like a waste of time. i feel like talking about my problems or emotions (or lack thereof) doesn’t really do anything. i had to do most of the inner work myself. usual tips or dbt/cbt whatever it’s called doesn’t work for me. radical acceptance works great but after that i had to genuinely do it on my own. i don’t think i’ll ever go into remission (is that even possible for ASPD?) but i have learned to blend in and live in a world that was not made for me. maybe in the next life i will be able to reap the social “benefits.”

[oohsosneaky]

What helped me and continues to help me most is medication. I'm not sure if you're taking anything but I'm on: - Flupentixol 1mg in the morning - Risperidone 2mg in the evening - Strattera 80mg in the morning The antipsychotics actually help with aggressively impulsive boredom. They lower the "noisy void" feeling. I have more range on them, and sleep much better.

Strattera helps with emotional "reality" of the world. It makes things feel more real and makes the "glass" between me and the rest of the world feel thinner. Definitely has to do with improving NE transmission in the brain. I'm going to a new psych and going to ask them about guanfacine, agomelatine, mirtazapine, and clozapine. Each one of them looks like it might actually help a lot for ASPD issues based on how they work. - Guanfacine appears to improve amygdala->vmPFC connectivity. - Agomelatine increases DA and NE levels in the PFC - Mirtazapine increases DA in the PFC - Clozapine helps with negative symptoms of schizophrenia such as anhedonia, avolition and emotional blunting so it MAY work for ASPD I imagine.

[b2ndage]

wait omg, that’s actually really interesting to learn. the only thing i am on is vyvanse at the moment but I didn’t know that there were more options for medication … i will probably ask my doctor about this too! thank you. ^ ^

[oohsosneaky]

Anytime! I'm a big fucking drug nerd so this was the main thing I looked into when I started dealing with my ASPD hands-on. Stims help us because they improve transmission in the brain. They make me feel more normal. These medications assist in that.

[b2ndage]

therapy doesn’t work for me and feels like a waste of time. i feel like talking about my problems or emotions (or lack thereof) doesn’t really do anything. i had to do most of the inner work myself. usual tips or dbt/cbt whatever it’s called doesn’t work for me. radical acceptance works great but after that i had to genuinely do it on my own. i don’t think i’ll ever go into remission (is that even possible for ASPD?) but i have learned to blend in and live in a world that was not made for me. maybe in the next life i will be able to reap the social “benefits.”

[oohsosneaky]

What helped me and continues to help me most is medication. I'm not sure if you're taking anything but I'm on: - Flupentixol 1mg in the morning - Risperidone 2mg in the evening - Strattera 80mg in the morning The antipsychotics actually help with aggressively impulsive boredom. They lower the "noisy void" feeling. I have more range on them, and sleep much better.

Strattera helps with emotional "reality" of the world. It makes things feel more real and makes the "glass" between me and the rest of the world feel thinner. Definitely has to do with improving NE transmission in the brain. I'm going to a new psych and going to ask them about guanfacine, agomelatine, mirtazapine, and clozapine. Each one of them looks like it might actually help a lot for ASPD issues based on how they work. - Guanfacine appears to improve amygdala->vmPFC connectivity. - Agomelatine increases DA and NE levels in the PFC - Mirtazapine increases DA in the PFC - Clozapine helps with negative symptoms of schizophrenia such as anhedonia, avolition and emotional blunting so it MAY work for ASPD I imagine.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

What i wanna know is what the fuck is up with being absolutely exhausted yet being unable to sleep because you're too bored. How does that even make sense. You're too tired to do anything, need sleep but some how, by some god given miracle, sleep is too under stimulating right now and you're driven to stay awake despite that. Progressively growing more irritable because if being tired wasn't enough you're also so fucking bored.

Someone make that make sense.

[oohsosneaky]

I actually posted about that. Staying awake no matter what because you want stimulation and sleep just ain't it. Seems like a common experience.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

That doesn't surprise that it's common me though you'd think if it were that common there'd be a fix for it already instead im stuck walking round like Ive wondered off the set of the walking dead and staring at English like it's hieroglyphs. Usually something gives and i end up 'resetting' but fuck 🫩.

[oohsosneaky]

The fix that works for me is 1mg flupentixol in the morning and 2mg risperidone in the evening. I'm also looking into guanfacine to treat other psychopathy deficits, mainly detachment, but they say that guanfacine actually helps with sleep immensely with CD, ODD and ADHD. And it's prescribed for other impulse control disorders like tic disorders and shit. Which sounds like the ticket.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

Thanks, ive just looked them up arnt the first 2 mood regulation medications? The last one is interesting apparently its a non stimulant for ADHD im curious how you think that'll help with psychopathy.

[oohsosneaky]

There is evidence to suggest that guanfacine promotes connectivity of the amygdala to the vmPFC, deficit of which is considered to be core to psychopathy. In cases where emotional blunting is due to high serotonin levels, it also should lower that, as it agonizes TAAR1 and inhibits serotonergic transmission via alpha2a adrenergic agonism. I also just talked to people that have psychopathic traits and impulsivity that take it and they're telling me it helps with sleep and generally just levels them out. Which sounds about right.

[oohsosneaky]

"Boredom" be like

Explaining psychopathic understimulation to a friend. Feeling this extremely hard right now, and really wanting to relapse.

[ivy-is-dreaming]

I don't like how ASPD boredom is called "boredom". I think it’s easily confused with normal boredom when it’s actually more like chronic under-stimulation.

​It’s not "I’m bored. Oh, same bro."

It’s a painful, awfully restless boredom. To me, the search for stimulation is so deep; I’m always seeking, testing, trying, because if I don’t, everything is way too dull. It feels like dying.

​Doing nothing is the equivalent of asking a hyperactive and restless person to sit still for hours. But the problem is also that, somehow, nothing is ever enough ?

Whatever I do, even if I find thrilling stuff, the feeling disappears as fast as it came. I’ll be excited for a few minutes, maybe, but it lasts only as long as the activity itself, or it dies right in the middle of it. The worst part is when you get used to something and it doesn’t do shit for you anymore.

​Do it once, it’s cool.

Twice, it’s okay.

The third time is already pointless.

​It can stay nice, sure, but it isn't thrilling anymore. No matter how intense the stuff I do is, at some point, it stops stimulating me, and it pisses me off.

[oohsosneaky]

This is definitely the case. Today's "out" from boredom has been consuming enough caffeine to kill a fucking horse. It's rarely that easy though. ASPD boredom is not just boredom. It's literally parts of the brain that are meant to receive emotional input being understimulated to such a degree that we experience agitation, restlessness, and acute discomfort. I don't often mention this because it sounds very dramatic and not reflective of my day-to-day life, but I have beat myself on the back with a belt in the past just to feel a little more "tuned in", more "alive". And I'm not a person prone to self-harm, far from it. I'm fully convinced that this understimulation is the real "root of evil" that makes ASPD societally corrosive. We act out to feel. Oftentimes, dangerous, reckless, and morally dubious things are the most reliable way to start feeling. We're not "bored" we're overwhelmed by an indescribable, tasteless, noisy void of not being able to "touch" things emotionally. Anyone faced with this on a daily basis would start acting a little crazy.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

What i wanna know is what the fuck is up with being absolutely exhausted yet being unable to sleep because you're too bored. How does that even make sense. You're too tired to do anything, need sleep but some how, by some god given miracle, sleep is too under stimulating right now and you're driven to stay awake despite that. Progressively growing more irritable because if being tired wasn't enough you're also so fucking bored.

Someone make that make sense.

[oohsosneaky]

I actually posted about that. Staying awake no matter what because you want stimulation and sleep just ain't it. Seems like a common experience.

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

That doesn't surprise that it's common me though you'd think if it were that common there'd be a fix for it already instead im stuck walking round like Ive wondered off the set of the walking dead and staring at English like it's hieroglyphs. Usually something gives and i end up 'resetting' but fuck 🫩.

[oohsosneaky]

The fix that works for me is 1mg flupentixol in the morning and 2mg risperidone in the evening. I'm also looking into guanfacine to treat other psychopathy deficits, mainly detachment, but they say that guanfacine actually helps with sleep immensely with CD, ODD and ADHD. And it's prescribed for other impulse control disorders like tic disorders and shit. Which sounds like the ticket.