I have heard Heroin described as “The Great Controller” and having used what I have used, done what I’ve done, and been forced into feeding an insatiable habit in numerous countries, scoring from ‘shotters’ of multiple nationalities, ethnicity & backgrounds, I can confirm that as soon as you join the “smack pack” you can wave goodbye to free will and rational thought!
Oh yes sir, say your goodbye’s and make sure you pack your warm clothes, as once your mind is under control by something with more power than you could have ever believed, the shivers will kick in, your gut will wrench, flip and your body will feel crushed by an indescribable pain soothed only by a does of the “Great Controllers” medicine.
Morals become memories. Values, no more than a hazy vision of days gone by. There is no hurdle too big that can stand in the way of a man in the depths of Heroin withdrawal and scoring that bitter sweet, torturous fix born out of desperation.
It pains me and shames me to admit that my experience in these matters is vast. The “Junkie” stereotype is one of of a street urchin, stealing from the vulnerable, with a can of super strength lager fixed to one hand, while the other grips an oversized chain attached to a bull terrier of some description. “Jeremy Kyle” bandits! The guys you find on every street corner in every shitty town, taking up residence on park benches, bus stations & alleyways. Yes, yes, these are who the media have sold to you, the Joe public, as the beginning and end of the problem. Easy to cast aside and easy to scapegoat.
The truth of the matter however, runs much deeper.
Over the past decade, I have met many different types of people hostage to the the ‘Great Controller’. People from all walks of life. Bakers to sales managers, Gangsters to school teachers. Black, White, rich, poor, young and old. It does not discriminate. There is not a single social class safe from the lure, temptation and promise of suppressed feelings, numbed emotions, glorious euphoria and a way out of dealing with the burden of life.
Heroin is an anesthetic for life, and if that is a path that you choose to take, you must be warned that whilst, yes, you will feel removed from life’s troubles for some time and yes your problems will feel irrelevant for a while… BUT, know this, whilst you are being anesthetized, life goes on, builds and grows and will eventually come crashing down around you.
Personally, I have nearly lost it all. Addiction stole the chance of my parents ever seeing me clean during my adult life before they died. My sister still holds on to whatever hope she can find that one day she may have a brother. I have lost and ruined countless relationships and friendships. The creative ambition that I once had has long gone, leaving just a fraction of the person I could have become.
You see, the life of an addict is no real life at all. It is an existence founded on desperation, crushing mental obsession and a complete loss of control. Puppet to the puppet master, constantly poked, taunted and tempted by warped thoughts that promise an alleviation of life’s problems. JUST ONE MORE HIT!! Just one more and then tackle the tasks for the day… Except, once you get locked into the vicious cycle of using, the puppet master holds no interest in anything else on your ‘To-Do’ list. There is not a single shred of empathy or understanding towards the bills you have to pay; the work you need to finish or even the relationships you are trying desperately to maintain. All of this gets moved to the sidelines. They are all things that you are very much aware of, but as time goes by, their importance becomes lessened, despite an ever increasing need for attention.
It’s difficult to explain the mindset of an addict to anyone that has never had the experience, but put simply, it really does feel as though your life has been taken out of your own hands. The ‘Great Controller’ subtly manipulates your daily actions and behaviors, ensuring that any lifeline’s you may have to freedom from this control are cut away at the earliest opportunities. You start becoming late for work, or just stop turning up altogether. You will cease to have contact with friends. You will sell anything of value just to keep the habit going and will eventually be lead down a path, ultimately a dead end, destined to come to a grinding halt in one of 3 ways:
1 – This is probably the kindest and most hopeful way out – Asylums/Hospitals – Whether that be a rehab clinic (self admission/court order/family intervention… This is the one most of us pray for). Mental asylum’s for those who’s minds have snapped (Suicide watch/Cocaine psychosis is much more common than you’d think) or general hospital admission for those that have done so much physical damage that they need to be brought back to health by doctors and machine’s.
2 – Jail – No one wants to go to jail, but this is a very, very real option for this suffering addiction. Maintaining a habit is an extremely difficult thing to do and with no money, near on impossible. So, you will find yourself doing illegal things that you could never have dreamt of doing just to get a hit. Problem is, getting caught for those illegal things tends to get the back’s up of the victims (shopkeepers you’ve stolen from, people you’ve defrauded etc…) and let’s face it, activities executed under certain strains (withdrawal is a mother fucker) tend not to have been thought through 100% and may just leave a trail that points fingers back to the future inmate.
3 – The final solution – Death. The cruelest of all and a shitty end to a torturous existence. This will either come at you by accidental overdosing or as a very real effort to end the desperation and pain. I have felt this desperation many, many times and this option tends to bubble around in my mind daily. It’s a sickening feeling when you get to the stage that this feels like your only option. Sickening, sad but very real.
Once the hooks of the great controller are in, it’s an uphill battle on a daily basis to break free again. I have felt what life is like once you break free and it feels amazing. The problem lies in staying free. This is still my problem, over 10 years since those hooks became a permanent feature of my being and today I will pray once again for freedom and a taste of what life actually has to offer.
- The Controlled
“That’s it, I’m Done!! I’m Going to quit”
Said the Junkie, To his raging habit.
So the habit replied, With a glint in it’s eye:
“Well, I’m afraid that’s beyond YOUR control”
Then came a slight pause, the junkie knew he was beat,
So feeling lost he would start to make his retreat.
But before he could go, the habit popped up once more
With a reminder before he could leave
“Right from the get-go, you forfeited your soul,
To me, to keep forevermore.”
“No, there’s no Turning back, For, we have a contract
That keeps me engrained at your very core”
