The Orangacle

The orangacle sees and knows all. Let their wisdom spread throughout the world. Feel free to ask what the future holds. If you happen to be an oracle or fortune cookie feel free to submit a prophecy.

[orangacle]

Why don’t i have followers

[orangacle]

Let me tell you how to become god.

     Close your eyes. First, you imagine. You go inside your own head and you picture something to get you started. For instance, light. Then you can imagine water. You have to imagine a planet’s worth of water. Then land. Enough land for your world. You have to imagine every hill and cliff side, every grain of sand until you can picture every square inch of this world as clear as day. Then you create the environment. You imagine the clouds and rain. To do this properly you have to know exactly what is happening in this world at all times. Then you imagine the plants. Both the exotic and familiar. You give them their proper place in this world of yours. You know exactly where they are and what they are like, what makes them what they are. If you close your eyes you can travel the surface of your world and touch every leaf, and when you open your eyes you reawaken into the real world. Now the animals. Anything you want can happen here. You know exactly what these animals are, what makes them, how they behave. You can shape this world at will as easily as anything. Now the people. You start at the beginning, with the first humans. Your Adam and Eve, so to speak. You picture them and know who they are. You imagine them going through their lives. You imagine every word they say, everything they see, everything they ever do. You see everything in this world in your mind. Then you imagine more people. You populate your world, and you know every single human there intimately. This world becomes second nature. Regardless of your focusing on it, it exists in the back of your mind. You can easily return there and discover that things have changed, just in the ways you would have done it. You can insert yourself into this world. You project yourself down onto the surface of this imaginary world and you interact with it. You speak to the people who all have the personalities you gave them. This world has taken on a life of its own and you need no longer imagine every detail, it comes naturally.

You stay in that world for so long that occasionally you forget that that world isn’t real. Once you accidentally spent a whole week thinking it was real until someone managed to wake you from your trance. The last time you entered your world you forgot about the outside world completely. An ever changing world in which you have created and see everything that has been, is and ever will be has crowded your mind and become the only reality you know. The people of your world recognize you when they see you now. They’ve seen what you can do. They begin to ask you for things. If they want rain they will say your name aloud and ask you humbly to make it rain. You oblige them, being the benevolent person you are. Slowly, as time passes, you forget yourself. You haven’t seen your physical form in so long that it is fading from your mind, and though you are living in a dream. Soon you are an all encompassing consciousness surrounding this world you’ve created. Your imagination holds it all together and has become real to you. It is real to the people of your world too. Now they worship their almighty god, calling you by name and singing hymns to your power in their places of worship. Your mind has become cloudy. You don’t remember a time when you had a body, or when the people hadn’t worshiped you. You are sort of jealous of these people, with simple lives you don’t have the power to change their world. After all, with great power comes great responsibility. Soon the people are able to come up with their own solutions to problems. When they need fire they dont need to call to the skies, to the creator of worlds, and ask for it, they have learned to make “matches” and can make fire on their own.You are proud of them. They don’t need you to make it rain anymore because now they have “irrigation.” The only things they ask you for are for you to help certain people, changing minds, emotions, and health in their favor. Your ways have become so natural that you can solve any problem without breaking the rules of your world. If Sarah prays to you for confidence you inspire her grandfather to give her advice on how to be confident, and you are able to keep the world flowing naturally.

Soon they don’t need you for anything they can see. Miracles aren’t necessary, even though they don’t see it. When a family member dies, or when tragedy strikes, they blame you, even though it is only the natural order of things. You realize there are many who even doubt your existence. You wonder if they are right to doubt. You are nothing more than an omnipotent will, pandering to the needs of a world you have created. Sure, you have the power to do anything, but you... You’ve changed. Your mind is so occupied with holding this world together and answering every prayer that comes your way that you’ve forgotten the power you have. You’ve forgotten that you can change the world on a whim. The world feels so solid. So complete. How could you possibly change it? You lose power as you forget the power you have. Soon people use your name for things that aren’t meant to invoke your attention. They say “Oh my (insert your name)!” as an exlamation of surprise or anger. Your name no longer reffers to you, it is just another word. Every time they say it you focus on them, and then realize they dont need your attention. Soon you doubt anyone who says your name wants you to hear them. You forget that you are a consious being. Soon you are nothing more that the structure of a world. You aren’t real to the people you’ve created. They are real t you, but you aren’t real to you. You have become a force of nature, an entity that sleeps. A dreaming god who has accidentally made them self null in the face of their creation.

You have so much power that you don’t realize. You are as aware as a sleepwalker. You are a helpless god, restrained by yourself. The world goes by in a dream. Maybe one day you won’t even be able to think. One day you will simply BE. Int he real world your body is on a hospital bed. You’ve been in a coma for so long... Little do they know that you’re slowly sinking into a second coma in your mind. You can no longer wake up. You are a world. A small, small, world. You are an obsolete god.

You might wonder why becoming a god sounds so awful. That is because this is not a guide, this a warning.

[dieudelacolere-deactivated20200]

Kids be like: "I've never cried at funerals, I listen to death metal, and I'm a bitch to all of my friends/family. I totally got ASPD."

[orangacle]

I hate it when people say this sort of stuff. You want to be cool so you choose to be a jerk to the people who care about you? I didnt know that was a symptom of ASPD. If you want to fake  mental illness try doing actual research and learn the symptoms so you can at least be accurate like i do when i want people to never talk to me again.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Thomas the train has eyes on the front, that means he's a predator

[orangacle]

Not necessarily. Many predators (even top predators) have monocular vision (eyes on the sides of their heads) because there are threats that they need to see coming (in the case of komodo dragons, other dragons). What forward facing eyes would actually imply is that he A. has a need for good depth perception, and B. has no natural predators that would cause him to worry.

[orangacle]

Bear fight

Ok bros i was checking out hysterical strength on wiki (when humans display spontaneous insane strength in life or death situations) and all of the examples were people lifting cars off of people which like good for them but then theres Lydia Angyiou who freaking FOUGHT A POLAR BEAR TO SAVE HER SEVEN YEAR OLD SON AND ONLY GOT A BLACK EYE LIKE THAT THING WAS SEVEN HUNDRED POUNDS WHAT A LEGEND

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

people make a lot of touch-starved gay jokes about Lush but the truth is it’s not a gay experience, it’s a human experience. no one is safe, no one is immune.

you walk in there for the first time thinkin’ I’m gonna buy some hand soap today and then some dude who smells like something impossible, like he’s being described by a YA author, he smells like lavender, leather, and the steam coming from hot pavement after a short summer rain,

That guy. He comes up to you and he asks if he can help you sample something. He leads you to a small, metal basin of water. It’s so pastoral, it’s so quaint. You can imagine it sitting beside your bed with a porcelain pitcher in your farm cottage for you to use to wash your face in the morning.

He rolls up your sleeve a bit, and you awkwardly apologize for not doing it yourself, and he says it’s fine.

Sir LeatherRain gently rinses your hand in the warm water, and then he dries it off attentively. Then he massages some of the product into your palm. It’s the cinnamon bean massage bar. He says “don’t you love how it feels warm as you rub it in?”

He’s making more direct eye contact with you than you’ve ever made in your entire life.

As he finishes, a woman who smells like coffee beans and pink-skied winter sunrises approaches and says “oh I LOVE that product.”

You know it’s about the sell. It’s transactional, but you’re in love. You can’t help it.

You’re also More uncomfortable than you’ve ever been in your entire life.

As you walk away to the register, you clench your hand and unclench it like Mr. Darcy when he touches Elizabeth Bennet’s hand to help her out of a coach.

[tackywizard]

As someone who’s worked at Lush I assure you it’s just as weirdly intimate to be the one rubbing lotions into other people’s skin

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

oh thank god

[hogwartsaheadcanon]

Lush has some bizarro magic going on i once wore a hat i’d knitted into a lush shop and one of the staff members casually complimented it and i went home and i got half way through knitting them one to take into the shop as a gift before i realised how fucking whacked out a thing that would be to do like i was ensorcelled there was spell work upon me

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

obsessed with this

[looptheloup]

is this a non-English thing?? I’ve never been to a Lush where this happens??

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

The last Lush I went to was in Exeter so no you’re not safe

[demons-say]

Clearly lush is run by fey who are using their magic to enamor you, similarly to how they lure people to join in with their dances and not realize how much time is passing. That explains why they smell like impossible things, why they behave oddly, why you are placid in their presence. The hat thing is explained by a rule of fairy etiquette. When a fairy compliments your clothing you will feel a desire to give said item of clothing to them, but it is likely going to end up making them bad at the poor quality of the gift and they’ll prank you to get revenge. If that person said ‘thanks’ or ‘thank you’ when complimented then it would imply that they now owe the fairy something and thus the fairy would be able to control them to some extent, at least as much as they are owed. Lush is a doorway to a realm of the fey and meant to be feared.

[orangacle]

From what i know of irish fairies, I’m pretty sure elves are the culprits. Most other fairies do not interact with humans hospitably (ex: banshees, pooka) and others are bound to habitats like trees, graves, and water (ex: pixies, sprites). Elves are usually to blame when humans are lured into fairy rings and subsequent dancing for 300 years even though they can’t sense any time passing, and that magic seems similar to what you’re experiencing.

[orangacle]

Make recompense mortal. The time comes speedily when it is necessary to have settled your debt with justice. Let the cosmos know what you have done and beg forgiveness. Pray that something hears you. Pray that nothing does.

[hungwy]

i want to live in a community

[orangacle]

One day you won’t have a choice

[orangacle]

The Apocalypse to Come

You fools. You utter morons. Ignoring global warming and every other cause for life (or at least human life) to end, you talk about the sun dying. You think it will just get a bit bigger and turn red and then KABLOEE. Death. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. The sun won’t get a bit bigger, it will get astronomically bigger. It will swell to ridiculous sizes. Humans will no longer be able to survive long before the sun explodes because of how much closer the sun is to earth. Before it explodes the sun will expand so huge that it would envelop earth, but even before that the earth would be pulled out of orbit and inevitable hurtle into the earth. You have less time than you know. Imagine it. Imagine being one of those men women and children alive at that time. Imagine hearing on the news that the day has come. Imagine seeing the sun quickly growing bigger. Imagine trying to sleep at night knowing that in the morning you will have even less time left. Imagine being a parent comforting your children. They look up at you. “Why is the sun getting bigger?” they ask.  “It’s normal.” You say, trying not to cry.   “I’m hot.” They say.   “It’s ok dear. I can’t fix it.” You’re right. You cant fix it. No one can fix it. Imagine holding that child in your arms and sobbing as the air grows too hot to stand and the child is confused and scared and wondering why their parent is crying. Imagine holding that beautiful innocent child and knowing there’s no hope for either of you and that you cannot protect them. No one can protect you. The earth is but a dying rock hurtling around its lifesource and doom. Let that sink in. Humanity isn’t permanent. Nothing is.

[orangacle]

Im so done with people correcting people who say that “FRankenstein is the doctor, not the monster!” Because, yeah they’re separate, but Victor Frankenstein is pretty darn monstrous, and he’s not a doctor, hes an edgy sciencey college dropout.

[orangacle]

Today’s prophecy:

I see you, you don’t see me. I know you somehow but you don’t know me. I watch you. You’re walking. I see your back and I stay behind and try to make myself hidden. I see you. I see you. I follow a little way. You don’t know how I know you, and you wouldn’t care. I see you. I know you. I watch you get away. It’s okay. I know I’ll see you again.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

You guys want your silly vaccines. I licked every little plastic ball in ever ball pit in every Chunkee Cheese in America and now I have Super Measels but my body produced so many antibodies I can't physically die

[orangacle]

The antibodies won’t save you when time comes for your soul.

[orangacle]

It’s really annoying when people say “Frankenstein isn’t the monster, he’s the doctor” because no, Frankenstein was an obsessed college dropout.

[orangacle]

Whats the point of making prophecies no one reads. From now on ill just use a random thing generator.

[orangacle]

Tomorrow Nicholas Cage will eat an entire lake which will inevitably lead to his attitude. To save his career he will be forced to attribute his hair and it will train his wife’s mood.

[orangacle]

This is the kind of celebrity drama i like.

[orangacle]

Whats the point of making prophecies no one reads. From now on ill just use a random thing generator.

[orangacle]

Tomorrow Nicholas Cage will eat an entire lake which will inevitably lead to his attitude. To save his career he will be forced to attribute his hair and it will train his wife’s mood.

[orangacle]

Whats the point of making prophecies no one reads. From now on ill just use a random thing generator.

[orangacle]

prophecy of the day:

the smell of syrup.