asks are open, venting is always allowed! my hope is to create a space to share our experiences with others who may relate.
about me: I'm Corvus (he/him/they/it) and pretty much always questioning some part of my identity lol
also, i am unfortunately not able to be consistently active on here. i promise i will get to your ask eventually. if it's been 2+ weeks feel free to resend though, as i may have missed it!
How do I know if the amount of attraction I'm feeling is normal or less than normal? I'm struggling super hard to figure it out - I don't relate to either allos (who are EXTREMELY sexual) or greyaces (who feel attraction like twice in their lives). Is there a label for the grey area inbetween?
grayace can be anything between allo levels of attraction and zero attraction- it can mean just attraction once in a while or under specific conditions or really anything that's not allosexual.
I think I'm a cis girl. I consider myself a girl, I'm really comfortable with that, she her pronouns are great. But I also really don't mind people calling me a guy and if someone used masc terms on me i think I'd be completely fine. I want to try using pronouns other than she/her.
Can I even call myself a cis girl if I'm fine with being a guy? Is that something I can just do even if I'm clearly not really masc?
you don't have to present masc to use masc terms or be called a guy! and you absolutely could call yourself a cis girl, or some sort of "gender doesn't matter to me a ton," if that makes sense. if you'd like to try other pronouns, you could try the pronoun dressing room (here). gender doesn't have to be cut and dry, so have fun experimenting!
I need help figuring out whether I'm bisexual, polysexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or another m-spec label I’m not aware of. For the past week, I've been experimenting with these labels, but I can't figure out which one best fits me. I don't necessarily like any of them.
I am 100% pluralian (m-spec). I am attracted to 2+ genders/sexes, but I don't know if I'm attracted to them all. I think everyone is attractive regardless of gender, and that's the key point and kickoff for all of my attractions. If someone is attractive then I'll either get only romantic feelings for them or sexual feelings with romantic feelings coming way down the line as I get to know them better.
I can get ‘romantic feelings’ for someone I don't know, but that might be just me wanting to be friends with them to find them pleasing to the eye. I don't know. Just a little one-off thought. Could be demiromantic or amicusromantic?
I'm mainly attracted to men and women, but I also find non-binary and other gendered/genderless people attractive too. I guess my ‘attraction’ sees gender and will pick one gender over the other in a line up, but ‘I’ don’t really. I don’t care who I date/marry/whatever. As long as we love each other and respect each other, I don’t care about their gender.
I’ve never met a LGBTQIA+ person IRL. So I don’t know. The closest I’ve gotten is my siblings and I joking that my youngest brother is a trans woman because he has our mom’s body, but that’s only a joke.
I’m just so confused about my queer identity right now and desperately need help. It’s stressing me out that I can’t find the right label. Everyone else can find their labels so easily, but I can’t for some reason.
it's alright to struggle to find a correct label- and it does happen to a lot of us. the attraction you've described sounds to me like pansexual or omnisexual, but really, it's about what label you like best, not necessarily the one with the definition that exactly matches how you feel, because there's so many variances in the ways we experience attraction. also, you don't have to choose a specific label- you could say that you're queer, or m-spec and leave it at that, if it feels better to you.
due to a bunch of irl stress, i disappeared for a while, and am struggling to keep up with this blog. i am very sorry to those whose asks are still in my inbox, i am working on getting to them.
to deal with this, i would like to add another mod. if you're interested, dm me, i guess. I'll probably ask you some questions. please be serious about wanting to help (and it would be great if you don't have insane amounts of executive dysfunction and irl stress, but i won't make that a requirement. I've just found that's what's led me to struggle in keeping up with asks).
Just venting here so I don’t know if this will make any sense, but I want to share.
I’ve recently started questioning if I’m trans. I’ve started having some chest dysphoria and I keep fantasising about having a deeper voice, broader shoulders and slimmer hips etc, even facial hair and having a penis.
I recently borrowed some boxers from my dad and wore them for a week and it felt so good! But there’s one problem I keep running into. I don’t want to use he/him pronouns or change my name. But I still want people to see me as a boy?????
I can’t really explain it but I don’t want to be referred to as a boy but being referred to as a girl gives me dysphoria???? And I tried they/them but that didn’t fit either and I’m scared to try neopronouns bc I live in a really conservative town and even if I didn’t I wouldn’t know where to even begin.
You don’t have to answer this, how can I explain something I don’t understand after all, but if you have any advise at all I would love to hear it.
I just want to know what the fuck is going on
I'm not really sure what advice i have for you, unfortunately. pronouns are really confusing and sometimes the ones for the gender you feel like you are don't really fit, which can suck. I'm sorry, anon, and I'm sending hugs (only if you want). hopefully maybe things will make more sense soon?
Hey so sorry I’m new to this but I’ve been questioning whether I’m he/him or he/they lately and I’m not sure if it’s actually stress or if it’s real. Any advice?
hey there! my best advice would be to use something like the pronoun dressing room to try out the pronouns you're questioning, or ask a friend to write sentences with both sets to see which feels better!
im questioning being aroace (spec?) and pansexual ambiamorous but its sorta funny because its like "what if im not aroace (spec) because i feel all this attraction" and then five seconds later "what if im not pansexual because i hardly feel attraction" @-@
AS OF FEBRUARY 21ST, 2024, WE GOT FIVE DAYS UNTIL THE DAY OF DECISION OF THE KOSA BILL, WHICH WILL CAUSE MASS CENSORSHIP ROUND THE INTERNET IF PASSED. OR DOOMSDAY. WE NEED EVERYONE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS AND CONTRIBUTE. I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU ALL.
WE'RE DOWN TO THE WIRE BUT WE CAN'T GIVE UP YET. IF WE GIVE UP, EVERYTHING IS OVER. IF WE DON'T, AT LEAST WE HAVE A CHANCE.
I'M THE ONE WHO SOUNDED THE ALARM, AND I'M NOT GOING TO CURL UP AND DIE YET.
Reblog this post in every LEGAL way you can under the Tumblr guidelines with the appropriate tags. TELL AND TAG EVERYONE YOU KNOW, then add the tags to see below... and more if you can think of any complying.
Visit badinternetbills.com if you want to find a way to defeat KOSA. It WILL NOT take much of your time. Reblog with any other information or sources, too-- but make sure to reblog if you can.
Reblog if you support lgbtq+ content.
Reblog if you support questioning queer youth and/or abused youth getting the information they need.
Reblog if you support Ao3 and/or other sites that wholeheartedly preserve talentedly made media.
Reblog if you're going to repost this on other sites than Tumblr and spread the word across Twitter, Tik Tok, Pinterest, or elsewhere, alongside the link to badinternetbills.com.
Reblog if you think KOSA is unfair and shouldn't be anyone's problem -- including the adults ALL OVER THE DAMN EARTH forced to face the mass censorship it causes because "think of the American Children!".
Reblog if you support internet activism and Palestine.
Reblog if you hate fascism or censorship, and don't want actually serious and helpful conversations censored on the internet.
Reblog if you value the internet in any way at all whatsoever.
We won't let this stand any longer. Let's start a riot and get this trending.
I’m sorry if anyone got this who doesn’t really have a say in the passing of this bill (e.g. you don’t live in the United States). If possible, please pass this information along to your other United States mutuals. Though it’s only a potential law in the US, it may have an impact on the rest of the world.
So because a friend of mine didn't know what comp het was and their internet history is monitored by their parents so they can't just use google, I'm doing a very quick research dive and giving you guys the results in case there are others out there who are in the same situation. I'll also be tagging blogs bigger than me because again, there might be fellow queers out their who are in the same boat as my friend and I want them to have access to this information.
So what is compulsory heterosexuality (or comp het)?
Comp het is in essence the societal belief and enforcement of being straight.
What does this mean?
In basic form it means that the only options presented to everyone, from the moment of birth, is that of a cis, amatonormative, heterosexual lifestyle.
You are given two gender options, these gender options determine the two roles you're allowed to fulfill, husband and wife, and you are told that these two roles are what will make you happy and are what you are supposed to strive for.
Meaning society, if you are born AFAB, tells you you're going to one day get married, it's going to be a boy, and this is what will make you happy. Almost everything in life is then seen through this lens. How attractive your are, how you are supposed to talk, how you're supposed to behave, etc is all considered through the lens of if a man will be attracted to you.
On the flip side, if you are born AMAB society tells you there are roles you have to fulfill as well. You are told you will one day want a wife, that you have to be able to have a job to provide for her, that you have to behave in a certain emotional way to be strong for her, that if the things you like are too feminine well then you're gay or a girl which is a problem because at the end of the day you're supposed to want the girl-fiance-wife.
This literally just sounds like the patriarchy.
Yes, it does, because it's caused by it. Nowadays people commonly know about compulsory heterosexuality from the Lesbian Masterdoc, but the term actually originated by Adrienne Rich in 1980.
Adrienne Rich in her article Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence put forward three ideas, 1) that heterosexuality and lesbianism were institutions themselves/possible political ideologies, 2) that heterosexuality as a system if not constantly maintained and upheld would eventually crumble and 3) that heterosexuality as a system could be opted out of and actively fought against whether or not you were actually attracted to women/non-women.
This is very different from the way we currently think of and define those terms, I am aware of that, but her point does still stand to some degrees that comp het, cisnormativity and amatonormativity all crumble when we stop rigidly enforcing the structures that uphold them, i.e., the patriarchy, misogyny, classism, and racism.
Ok but like what does that actually look like?
It can look like a lot of things, for a lot of different people. In the Lesbian Masterdoc you see comp het presented from a straightforward lesbian lens (of a 19 year old figuring out and defining their own sexuality guys, I'm not gonna sit here and critique it and rip it to death, go do that somewhere else).
This is therefore presented through things like women/non-women who were raised/socialized as women possibly having crushes on men, but they're always unattainable in some way (celebrities, fictional, someone real but they wouldn't actually ever be able to truly be in a relationship with, etc). It might also show up for lesbians as liking the idea of a man but being uncomfortable when one actually wants to move forward in the process. Or even sometimes it might show up as sexual fantasies with men but they're faceless, they're more an idea, or you're actually viewing another woman sleeping with him.
This presentation of comp het has made a lot of bi/pan/mspec people uncomfortable because they feel they too have experiencing comp het and when reading the Lesbian Masterdoc it's presented as if experiencing this is a straight shot towards being a lesbian.
And they're right that comp het isn't experienced by just lesbians. For mspecs who present feminine/as women this could be in the feeling that they have to dress a certain way to be presentable, but presentable is based on appealing to men. This can mean something as simple as women are expected to wear makeup, always, regardless of if they're looking to seek men's attention or not, because that's the base standard.
For mspecs who present masculine this can look like the inability to express themselves in an overly emotional manner because that doesn't make them "strong" and if they're not "strong" then they won't attract women, and that's what they're supposed to be doing.
For mspecs in general that can look like their queer looking relationships to be seen as a phase even if their mspec-ness is respected because of course they're eventually going to get married to a man/woman.
This can affect polyamorous cishet people in that they're seen as doing heterosexuality wrong because you're supposed to have the one partner and the 2.5 kids.
This can affect aspecs because they're told they'll never truly feel fulfilled if they don't have that boyfriend/girlfriend/partner to love them in a way that's so special nothing else could match up.
This affects all of us guys is my point.
How is this helpful to me?
Well for sapphics and lesbians (or sapphics/mspecs confused on if they are actually lesbians) this can be a helpful concept to consider because it can help you determine what relationships you truly want to pursue, which is the main point I feel is to be gained from the Lesbian Masterdoc. As she's put it "it's way more important to ask
yourself if you can be truthfully happy with a man than if you’re attracted to them"
So if you're a sapphic who experiences attraction to men but you honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider the idea of comp het.
If you're Achillean the opposite of this can be true, if you've been attracted to women before but honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider whether comp het is working on you.
For mspecs this can be a helpful term to throw over the table back at your parents when they ask when you're going to get a "real relationship".
This can be a helpful term to consider when asking "am I forcing myself to wear mascara because I feel this is the only way I look presentable or do I actually like mascara."
Or it can be a helpful concept to look back on when undermining our internalized ideals of misogyny, towards ourselves and others.
This is a helpful term to put in our tool boxes to talk about the harm the systems of patriarchy, classism, and racism impose upon us.
Comp het can help us to understand why so many people look down on polyamory as a legitimate way of life.
It can be a helpful term for aspecs who are trying to figure out if they really want to date/have sex, or if they just believe these are the only things that will make you happy.
In general
Compulsory heterosexuality is just another term to describe a system we are all intimately familiar with. But by giving us the words to describe our experiences, it gives us the power to communicate those experiences more effectively, and to possibly understand why we're experiencing them.
This is just a bare basic knowledge post.
Honestly if you have the ability to, as in your internet history is not monitored in the way my friend's is, I encourage you to go on the deep dive through the sources listed below. Many of them are honestly only 30 pages long, that's a relatively short read, and understanding queer theory like this not only helps you to understand your own identity, but the ways in which you are connected to the rest of the fellow queer community.
Sources
Lesbian Masterdoc
Queer Theory 101: Compulsory Heterosexuality
Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence
Normativities Defined
Taglist
I'm tagging blogs bigger than me so that this has an easier time getting passed around as I mainly talk about aspec issues because I am aspec, but as stated above, I wanted to make sure that queer people who's internet histories are monitored and are only able to find information through tumblr safely could do so.
Lately i've been struggling with my sexuality in regards to romantics. I know I'm gay, i've liked men since i was a kid and being trans doesn't change that, but i'm starting to wonder if i'm arospec. I've never felt romantic feelings, all my thoughts are purely physical attraction-wise, and i just don't know. I like the idea of being near someone, and being physically affectionate/comforted, but beyond that sort of thought i just don't see anything.
i don't know what love feels like, i have no want to marry or be bound to anyone in any way, but i can't tell if i'm aromantic/arospec or just broken
Hey, im really confused about my sexuality, I need help(im also sorry if this is inappropriate, I can’t really tell)
So I’ve identified as a lesbian for a while, figuring that any attraction to me was comphet. But the thing is, I almost exclusively have sexual fantasies about men, and always have. It doesn’t come “automatically” to think about women, although I don’t mind it (still prefer thinking about guys). But I can’t really imagine dating a guy, and would probably prefer having a girlfriend. Am I into guys? I don’t know what I feel (im a genderqueer transguy if that helps)
you could be primarily romantically into women and sexually into men? perhaps look into the split attraction model?
I've already talked to our-queer-experience and got advice from them, but I recently came across this blog and realised you're more... specifically relevant to my issue
Recently, a short series of events has lead me to begin questioning if I'm mildly biromantic. Up until this point, I was sure I was heteroromantic, and I am still sure I'm definitely heterosexual. I'm also cisgender. All if this has predictably made it hard for me to accept the potential queerness as queerness
I was wondering if you might have some advice on how to go about reaching a conclusion, and just your general thoughts on the matter?
well, asking for advice is always okay! first off, good on you for thinking about this despite it being hard. the thing with questioning is really just that you're the only one who can know for sure, and there isn't exactly a set process to it (unfortunately). in terms of trying to reach a conclusion: honestly i would say just that thinking about it an acknowledging being queer as a possibility is a big first step. i also want to say that you are under no obligation to label yourself, or to decide right now (or even at any point in the future) if you are or are not straight.
I'm honestly not sure what else to tell you, but i am sending hugs your way (only if you want them, ofc). if you have any more questions, feel free to send another ask or something <3
tm for swearing/cussing bc i need to wash my mouth with soap
im afab, and i feel a conection to womanhood and stuff but at the same time im like "is gender for real?" "am i girl?" "what the fuck is a woman? am i one? i dont know shit"
and like, i use she/her pronouns and they are fine, but im an actor and most (all) my characters are male and use he/him so getting in character everyone uses he/him on me, and a guy say he was sorry because at this point he has trouble seeing me as a woman and out of character he (and everyone) accidentaly uses he/him on me and like coincidence, a lot of my characters are named a variation of the name "juan" so everyone calls me juan (there a lot of people named like me in the club so its more easy that way), and i dont mind, i dont mind people using he/him on me, i dont mind being called juan, i dont mind they dont see as a girl
one time i surprised myself because i started to think about myself in he/him pronouns (my mother language, spanish, is really gendered) and it feels weird but i accidentaly use it
and like i said before, i feel a conection with womanhood/girlhood, i dont think i feel the same with manhood/boyhood but he/him is fine??? most times??? sometimes he/him feels so weird and other times fine???? but girl is always there so its no like gender fluid and that, fuck i know
(i dont really think im like non-binary (not refering to the spectrum, just the non-binary) bc all that woman stuff and i also dont like they/them on myself)
gender is too confusing, i'd like an answer but at the same time i think it would complicate stuff??? idk, what i do like to know is my pronouns, because yeah, she/her is always fine but he/him depends a lot on the person using the pronouns and how i feel at that moment
so, to sum up, everything is confusing, i dont know shit, fuck gender for being so complicated
yeah gender is confusing as fuck. i mean, you could absolutely be a girl and also use he/him pronouns but i know that's not always super helpful with the confusion.
This might be long sorry but I dont know what to do. So I have this friend, we are not close at all but we get along and hang out at school sometimes and make joke , and I don’t think this is my place to tell but I want to help him. He once asked me if I knew what the questioning flag one and I told him what I knew and then showed him. Then once he asked me about my school iPad background. It is a collage of pictures in the ace colors and he saw it and asked im I ace (I am but I’m closeted) so I told him know. I know he dose not believe, oh well. Then today we were switching classes and another student was doing like a where’s Waldo but objects and she said there is the red flag. I told him (AS A JOKE THIS IS ALL JOKE) you’re a red flag, actually you are an orange flag (he love the color orange and was wearing an orange bag) and he said I dont know what flag I am. I said I do know, I said it mainly to my other friend but he heard and was like dose it have to do anything with your background and I was like noooo. But anyway, I know he is questioning and I want to help if I can but I don’t want to overstep and I dont know how. Sorry, this is probably out of line but I have been thinking about this for a while.
hmm well first off, it's really great of you to want to help your friend. the first thing that comes to mind for me is that maybe telling him that you're ace would show him that he can talk to you about it? if you're closeted, and would rather not, you could talk to him about it (& try saying that you're an ally?). But I think the best way to help would just be to make sure he knows he can talk to you!
