This is my ultimate album for Blossom vibes. It has everything. Just pop it on and let your mind wander. I almost don't want to explain it because it would take me three hours to go through every single song with my hot takes.
But if you do listen, I highly recommend listening to the whole album in order. It's meant to be listened to that way.
I'm just gonna grab some choice lyrics. Some songs are just Cheryl. Some are Cheryl/Jason. Some are The Blossoms. Some are CHONI.
We Know Where You Sleep
Close your eyes when we kiss…
‘Cause I am prepared to set myself on fire for this
2. The Kids Will Grow Up to Be Assholes
You don't want your messes cleaned
You don't want your bodies fixed
You don't want your problems solved, stories all resolved
You'll have nothing to lean on
You don't want your stitches sewn
'Cause then you'll have the big unknown
We'll be watching you so watch your mouth…
You better watch your mouth
3. Wait Until I Get My Hands on You
So go ahead, hold your breath
Be my guest, see if I care
‘Cause it's your life, it's your face in the place of the mirror
And here's to you, merci beaucoup
But wait 'til I get my hands on you
That's all you will get – a bear hug from your armless brother
So save your teeth for the toothy grins to your mother
4. You Will Never Take Me Alive
Did you know that you nurse a beehive?
Come and get it! Come take me alive
All our noses are aiming at grisly frontiers
We will show this cruel world…
We will show this cruel world we were here
5. Delivered in a Firm Unyielding Way Lingering for Just a Bit Too Long to Communicate the Message “I Own You”
She usually comes to see me at night, and she— she lives up in the attic, and sometimes when my friends come around, she— she hides from them.
Um, a lot of, uh, household items go missing. We've had guests that— that have encountered her.
She likes this place. She likes the attic especially, that's why she lives up there.
6. The Most Important Part of Your Body
‘Cause when you know too much
Aren't you able-bodied, dear
I think you know too much
The mind knows what the mouth wants
7. You're One of Them Aren't You?
Go ahead, good friend, scream all you want to
You're legless and limping and lost and it's just like they like you
And I can feel your tender bodies coming near
I see 'em hanging from the crystal chandelier
I'm hope for the hopeless
I'm help for the helplessly hopeful
Life is long when you're lonely
The ugly, the unclean, the unfit will fuck the unhappy
8. The Song Will Eat Itself
Singing strong knees, clean kidneys
Singing for sharp minds
Let's organize before they rise
Singing strong knees, clean kidneys
Singing so they hear
Let's let this world know we were here
9. ...And All the Candy You Can Eat
And that's the fever talking, honey
"I've come to fatten you up"
'Cause I'm an open book, my honey
Except for when the book is shut
10. All Manner of Pox and Canker
The baby hair you saved
Will circle around their drains
They got a big sick surprise for you…
Yeah, it's, it's in the oven, it's in the oven
11. At the Other End of the Leash
I come home right on time
Calmly loosen my necktie
We stare at the wall watch
We're moving the furniture around
I come home first in line
Wanna loosen my necktie
But it's your world we live in
We're moving the furniture around
12. The House is Alive and The House is Hungry
I want a man who splays down in the street
The swinging bodies and the children in the wet concrete
The house with the laughing windows
Spilling blood like a cheap innuendo
I love you, do you love me?
Let's set our hair on fire
Let's twist our bodies down over coals
Let's give them something they can't ignore
I love you, do you love me?
Let's set our house on fire
Let's cast a mirror right back at fear
Let's show this world we were here
you’ve probably seen the jokes about how archie andrews from riverdale went to war, but the producers refuse to say what war it was
but i’m here to tell you that the reliality is stranger than you could possibly imagine unless you watch the show
this is archie’s dress uniform
(the tepia overlay is present every time he wears it, i have not altered the shot at all)
this is archie and his buddy in the trenches, in their combat uniforms
yes I said trenches. that screenshot is from a flashback archie has to a member of his platoon loosing a leg to enemy shells in no-man’s land. (he specifically calls it no-man’s land)
Okay, so it’s WWI. That’s deeply weird, given Riverdale takes place in more or less the present day (there’s a weird amount of old-timey tech, but everyone also has iphones and laptops, so we can assume the old tech is people being retro), but it’s at least an answer
but it gets weirder.
because we know what country archie was fighting in. his deployment was in uzbekistan.
now despite it being called a world war, not every country was involved in the first world war. uzbekistan did not fight on either side.
because the country didn’t formally exist until 1991
so in whatever parrallel universe riverdale takes place in, new york and the town of riverdale exist essentially in the present day, the soviet union has fallen, but former soviet union countries are still fighting a war which should have ended more than 100 years ago.
so that’s bonkers, but i’m not done
in the episode in which archie decides to join the army, the school digs up a time-capsule from the 1940s and opens it. inside is a picture of four riverdale high students who were shipping out to the army the day after the time capsule was burried
the ghosts of these four WWII soldiers then appear to archie, convincing him that he should join up and fight
so to be clear, archie fought in the first world war, in a country which did not exist during the first world war, because he was told to by the ghosts of soldiers from the second world war, a war which could not have happened yet because the first world war is apparently still ongoing
and also it’s the present day and archie owns an iphone
Look say what you will about riverdale. I’m lying you can’t say anything about riverdale. But the women on there were like…… so insane it made me want to jump up and down. Women are NEVER allowed to be as feral with no consequences in media as they were in riverdale. Betty didn’t have a maternal bone in her body and it was just like a normal trait of hers??? Cheryl was downright cruel a lot of the time and she was ALLOWED TO BE. She got nicer but only to the main cast bc they befriended her. Veronica loved illegal business practices and she murdered her dad and she was never even in DANGER of going to prison. I love this show. Let women be people like they are on riverdale…
they should've done a riverdale episode where cheryl hosts a party to show off her outfit and then veronica walks in with even fancier clothes + jewelry that she got from her friend katy keene and upstages cheryl making cheryl hopping mad and then cheryl gets a delivery from christine bior labeled 'almglocken' and she's like How delightsome! My very own almglocken! and starts wearing it around and everyone is like Cheryl that's a cowbell and she's like No you heathens this is an authentic christine bior almglocken. and everyone's like okay i guess but betty confronts her and says Cheryl that is a cowbell and you look stupid please take it off and cheryl says Well cousin since we're on the subject i've always thought your ponytail makes you look like a repressed serial killer. which is the thing betty is insecure about so she goes off to brood. meanwhile cheryl is starting to make cow puns every time she speaks she's like Hello veronica you're auditioning for the lead in moo-lin rouge i see and veronica is like Cheryl are you making cow puns because you're wearing a cowbell and cheryl is like How udderly ridiculous how many times do i have to tell you people it's not a cowbell it's an almglocken. then cheryl has a dream where she gets locked in the barn and taken to the market by her mother and slaughtered and turned into steak and served up to jason while we intercut with veronica singing dona dona at some sort of entertainment venue for reasons known only to veronica. then later that night jughead and tabitha hear a mysterious noise outside pop's and find cheryl eating grass and jughead is like Uhh cheryl why are you eating grass and she's like Jughead you are so STUPID i am returning to the ancestral blossom ways. Now mooo-ve out of my way. and then she turns into a cow.
and the next day tabitha is like Did cheryl actually turn into a cow last night or did i dream that and jughead is like Yeah or is that a movie we watched and then they get a call from betty who's like Guys i think cheryl is a cow now and she's on a rampage. and they rush to find cheryl who is eating all the grass in town and they're like We have to stop her or riverdale will lose its precious rivergrass. so they call archie and jughead makes him dress up as a toreador and wave a red cape at her which enrages cow!cheryl because she owns the color red and she merely loans it to archie's hair out of the goodness of her heart but now he is flaunting it so she charges at him and he uses a pitchfork to knock the cowbell off of her and she turns back into a human. and she tearfully awakens and hugs archie and says Thank you archiekins you saved me from my bovine fate just like my jj would have done. and veronica says I don't understand why did christine bior send you a cowbell that makes you turn into a cow. and betty says Actually it turns out the package wasn't from christine bior it was from cowstine bior. and everyone's like Cowstine bior?! and just then nana rose enters the room and says Oh is that the cowstine bior cowbell i ordered? I was wondering where that got to and cheryl says Nana rose you ordered this? For why? and nana rose says For the maple syrup cow of course and archie says The maple syrup cow? and nana rose says Yes child did you really think our special blossom maple syrup came just from trees? We infuse the sap with the maple milk from the maple syrup cow. I ordered that cowbell just for her and cheryl says But the package said it was for cheryl blossom and nana rose says That's because the maple syrup cow's name is cheryl blossom. and toni says Why is the cow named cheryl blossom and cheryl says Dearest tt don't ask silly questions.....for what other name could the cow that enhances our maple syrup so be blessed with? and everyone is like True enough. and then there's a knock at the door and it's the mailman and the mailman says Delivery for cheryl blossom and it's the same packaging as before and cheryl looks inside and says How delightsome! My very own christine bior nose ring! and everyone says Cheryl NO and lunges to stop her from putting it on.
and then jughead steps out of the narrative and turns to the camera and says Well i think we all learned a valuable lesson today didn't we? Be careful what you put around your neck...you never know what you'll become. I'll see you next week, but for now, good night. and then he drinks from a glass of milk and it gives him a milk mustache and he winks at the camera. end of episode
i don't understand people who post Riverdale negativity. you and me are having such a fundamentally different experience. 7 seasons into the Most Show on modern television and youre poking holes and complaining about narrative cohesion? do you look at the swirling colours in van goughs starry night and complain that it makes no sense for the sky to look like that? do you read hamlet and get upset that hamphelia didnt have a satisfying enough resolution even though Shakespeare had clearly coded them as endgame? do you curse the majesty of nature for creating rain in the same breath that you beg it for rainbows? i am simply experiencing Riverdale for all that it is. every Thursday Riverdale washes over me and i accept it, in the way i accept the birds that wake me at an ungodly hour with a beautiful song, as the thing that it is. also, archie andrews canon bisexual. peace and love on planet earth
My roommate and I finished riverdale like a week ago and as we were watching it there were a bunch of lines that made us lose our shit and so once we finished the show they went back and compiled every single one of them into this absurd 7 minute long video. I feel like y'all would enjoy this over here.
