The magic word is 'monkey'

I also blog about writing at Platform Thing

[wikketkrikket]

So you know this scene...

I always found it a bit odd. Hilarious, but it raised too many questions. When did Steve make these? Why did Steve make these? How did he manage to be so cheesy and overly sincere knowing how much crap he would get from the other Avengers for it?

Well, today my sister told me her headcanon. Picture the scene. Steve leans on the back of a chair, as above. Peter immediately launches into ‘So, you got detention…’. Cap blinks. Peter awkwardly tries to explain. It turns out Cap has no idea what videos he means, and neither do any of the other Avengers.

So they get in touch with the company who made them, and they swear blind that it was really the real Captain America, and that it all his idea. That he came in and said how much he wanted to help the youth of today.And the Avengers all lose it because someone is running around doing an unbelievably good impression of Captain America, they could have destroyed his reputation, they could have infiltrated the Avengers; and instead all they are apparently using it for is to make silly, embarrassing videos.

It’s completely baffling. Who could possibly be behind it all?

A mystery.

[crystal-jack-asripines]

OH????

MY?????

GOD??????

[hobbesdeep]

[beeftea78-deactivated20200113]

Throwback to the time my poor German teacher had to explain the concept of formal and informal pronouns to a class full of Australians and everyone was scandalised and loudly complained “why can’t I treat everyone the same?” “I don’t want to be a Sie!” “but being friendly is respectful!” “wouldn’t using ‘du’ just show I like them?” until one guy conceded “I suppose maybe I’d use Sie with someone like the prime minister, if he weren’t such a cunt” and my teacher ended up with her head in her hands saying “you are all banned from using du until I can trust you”

[deflare]

God help Japanese teachers in Australia.

[languageoclock]

if this isnt an accurate representation of australia idk what is

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Australia’s reverse-formality respect culture is fascinating. We don’t even really think about it until we try to communicate or learn about another culture and the rules that are pretty standard for most of the world just feel so wrong. I went to America this one time and I kept automatically thinking that strangers using ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ were sassing me. 

Australians could not be trusted with a language with ingrained tiers of formal address. The most formal forms would immediately become synonyms for ‘go fuck yourself’ and if you weren’t using the most informal version possible within three sentences of meeting someone they’d take it to mean you hated them.

[hollowedskin]

100% true.

the difference between “‘scuse me” and “excuse me” is a fistfight

[fozmeadows]

See also: the Australian habit of insulting people by way of showing affection, which other English-speakers also do, but not in a context where deescalating the spoken invective actively increases the degree of offence intended, particularly if you’ve just been affectionately-insulting with someone else.

By which I mean: if you’ve just called your best mate an absolute dickhead, you can’t then call a hated politician something that’s (technically) worse, like a total fuckwit, because that would imply either that you were really insulting your mate or that you like the politician. Instead, you have to use a milder epithet, like bastard, to convey your seething hatred for the second person. But if your opening conversational gambit is slagging someone off, then it’s acceptable to go big (”The PM’s a total cockstain!”) at the outset.

Also note that different modifiers radically change the meaning of particular insults. Case in point: calling someone a fuckin’ cunt is a deadly insult, calling someone a mad cunt is a compliment, and calling someone a fuckin’ mad cunt means you’re literally in awe of them. Because STRAYA. 

[kayloulee]

case in point: the ‘Howard DJs like a mad cunt’ meme.

I recommend this bloody good article by Mark Di Stefano of Buzzfeed Australia about the origin of John Howard’s DJ skills: We Found The Guy Behind Australia’s Greatest Ever Meme.

[sharpestrose]

The thing is, we can do polite just fine – thanking the bus driver, helping little old ladies onto the escalator, all that stuff. We’re not a markedly rude nation, as far as I can tell. We just cannot for the life of us understand formality, especially in language. 

(See also: the recent legal ruling that it’s not offensive to call the Prime Minister a cunt.)

As an Aussie who’s studied both German and Japanese, that stuff is harder than grammar for me a lot of the time. 

[vintar]

i’m watching a british youtuber’s birthday stream and an aussie viewer sent in a comment saying “why was he born so beautiful, why was he born at all? because he had no say in it, no say in it at all” which was received with confused existential horror, and this is how i just discovered that australian happy birthday songs are not universal

[argumate]

oops

[languageoclock]

do you not sing this in other countries?!?!??

[stele3]

NO we do not sing a lament for someone’s personal beauty wishing they’d never been born. That is some weird Greek tragedy shit.

[wehaveallgotknives]

fuck I’ve literally never thought about the lyrics of this thing I’ve been singing my whole life but: yes, we do sing this - and it’s to the tune of our national anthem

[fuckyeahoscarisaac]

[potterlovermore]

THIS IS THE TIGHTEST SHIT IVE EVER SEEN

[dxactivatxdusxr]

A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was “he’s got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he’d be more comfortable” and it made me realise the world isn’t all that bad

[fitzefitcher]

#this is team skull

[its-just-a-phage]

The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying “You can pet me, but don’t pick me up!” One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him “did you see the sign?” He said “yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don’t pet them!” Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said “I didn’t read it right did I?” And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said “its ok, i know you’ve got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits” And I still haven’t gotten over that interaction.

[yallmightt]

I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He’s a little thing tbh we call him short and long. So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like “hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your’s is so small I think it’s a good place to start.” Ofc I was like “yes he’s very friendly!” So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks “can I pick him up?” And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two’s lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes “hey man, it’s okay just relax I’d never let anything hurt you. He’s a good boy.” I’ll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me (5'3 , glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy looking little thing) and was like ‘ah yes the two least intimidating living things I’ve seen in Boston all day he’ll feel relaxed around them’ and went out of his way to help his friend. It makes me so happy

[mintycoolnessisrelevant]

A good post, pure.

[winds-wanderer]

@svmadelyn for your yay humanity tag

[angelrecipe-deactivated20180602]

Give me a heartwarming Christmas movie about Satan traveling around the world every Christmas to deliver presents to all the young kids and kids with learning disorders and disabilities who misspell “Santa” on their Christmas letters every year

[eccentricmisseclectic]

And Santa’s all like, “You know, I can handle a few spelling mistakes, I got this,” and Lucifer is like “They’re addressed to me, fuck off, I’m doing it.”

[incurablenecromantic]

Lucifer being protective of his fanmail is ceaselessly entertaining.

[pretentious-git]

Lucifer: hey big guy I need your list because I don’t know what these kids want for christmas and you’ve got all the info. Santa: this isn’t your holiday Lucifer: yeah well james here doesn’t fucking know that so give me the list, he asked for Satan

[artaline]

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

[alivesmilinggirl]

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

[mockiato-deactivated20200315]

This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.

[asgardreid-deactivated20180407]

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*

[ritavonbees]

Human: shots! shots! shots!

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves

[pan-narrans]

The Five Stages of Critique: A Guide For Beta-Readers

So the writer in your life asked you to read something and give them your opinion. It’s all going well until you mention something that didn’t quite work for you. There’s a faint frown. This is the writer entering the first stage of response to critique.

[pan-narrans]

Apple 13 Inch Retina Laptop: A Review (Contains References to Fire, Alcohol and Bananas)

Apple 13 Inch Retina Laptop: A Review (Contains References to Fire, Alcohol and Bananas)

Yesterday my new pony (er, laptop) arrived. And because it is so shiny (wonderful, brilliant, distracting) I did not write anything (brilliant, scintillating, or lunatic) to share with you this morning. Claire: Does the baby have a name yet? Me: I think I’m going to go with Rick’s idea and call him Bar Drake. Claire: So Kandace spends most of her time flat out on the couch hugging the Bar then?…

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[cyanideself-archive]

alright story time folks. this actually happened a few months ago, but i was just reminded by @yawpkatsi‘s FUBAR. 

i was sitting in the waiting room at my therapists, and this middle age man with a service dog walk in and sit down across the room from me. his dog has a service vest on and immediately lays down underneath the chair his owner is sitting in (not an easy feat as he was a pitbull mix of some sort). anyway, the man and i start talking, and he says his dog (can’t remember his name, so lets call him james), is for his ptsd. we keep talking and after a while james starts whining. i stop talking, cause idk what that means. but the man just smiles and asks me if i want to pet james. i, of course say yes, never turn down an opportunity to pet a doggo. he looks down at james and tells him to “go on then”, and immediatey james leaps the few feet seperating us and sits at my feet. he starts nuzzling at me and licking my hands, and i look up at the man, cause this doesn’t really seem like proper service dog behavior. i tell him that, he laughs, and says james is much better behaved when they aren’t here, cause james tends to get overwhelmed here. i’m kinda confused, its not like there are a lot of people or noise or smells in here? but he continues and says it’s because james’ primary job is to comfort ppl in distress and in a waiting room for a therapist, just about everyone needs some comfort.

so that’s the story of the dog that wanted to help everyone and almost made me cry cause he cared about me so much.

[yawpyawp]

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT A GOOD DOGGO

[pan-narrans]

Synopses Are to Me as a Bulldozer is to a Swan-Shaped Meringue

Me: I am trying to write a full-length synopsis and it is terrible. So I am going to go to hockey and sulk. Well, maybe sulk and then hockey. Hockey should be fun. I can always sulk more after. Rick: No sulking during date night. Me: (sigh) Fine. Rick: I will hug you until you comply. Me: …I accept your terms.

[alanaisalive]

The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.

Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.

So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.

Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.

[iguanamouth]

oh shit

[pan-narrans]

On Finishing A Book

First off, a book is rarely “finished.” It’s just that various factors weigh in to make you stop fiddle-farting around with it. Second, never ask anyone who’s just finished…

[turnoverhockey]

( x )

[chikuto]

*Poses awkwardly* ta daaa

Whipped this up awfully quickly to celebrate the end of Gravity Falls. I should be taking bets for how long it takes Dipper to fiddle with the stone Bill in the woods  and accidentally unleash hell. You can never escape him Dipper YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE

But I’m a huge sucker for forgiveness/redemption, so here’s my spin.

Goodbye Gravity Falls I’ll miss you <3

[warrenellis-deactivated20200730]

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