I know what's happening. It's my abandonment trauma. The five-year-old inside me is screaming and is certain she'll be destroyed by the No, the No that is the loss of someone important (the universe says "No, you can't have them back, no matter how you feel"). She doesn't want to be destroyed or abandoned. She just wants to feel connected to that person who is gone.
And instead of dismissing her pain, I need to say, "Yes, that hurts so much. Of course it hurts." And hold her and breathe while I watch the wave come that she is afraid will destroy us.
Then I need to let it pass. I can't go under. I have to resurface, stay afloat. I have to give her a life preserver and say, "I know this hurts," and refuse to be drowned.
I can't push the grief away but I refuse to be drowned by it.
