Searching for peace in the midst of pandemonium

My view. It may not be yours.

[peaceinpandemonium]

"But when I think about it, to a greater or lesser extent, maybe we all play that role for someone. We're all intertwined in each other's lives without even knowing it."

From 'Hot Chocolate on Thursday' by Michiko Aoyama, translated to English from the Japanese by E. Madison Shimoda.

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"'I can see,' Miss Emily said, 'that it might look as though you were simply pawns in a game. It can certainly be looked at like that. But think of it. You were lucky pawns. There was a certain climate and now it's gone. You have to accept that sometımes that's how things happen this world. People's opinions, their feelings, they go one way, then the other. It just so happens you grew up at a certain point in this process.'

'It might be just some trend that came and went,' I said. But for us, it's our life.'"

From Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

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"Because it comes it comes from an old word that means to open. And it makes me think about flowers blooming, turning towards the light; that delicious shivery feeling you get when you stretch out beneath the warm sun.

It makes me think about how, to soak up what's beautiful in life, you have to open yourself to it. You have to expose yourself. And that means not just the beautiful stuff, but to the not-so-beautiful stuff. You can't pick and choose. You're either open or you're not. But the sun's worth the exposure. All the beautiful things are."

The character Thea explaining the definition of the word, apricate, from the novel "Happy Ending" by Chloe Liese.

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"We show the people we love the ugliest parts of ourselves, and we tell them the truth even when it hurts, because that's what intimacy is."

From, Morbidly Yours by Ivy Fairbanks

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"I didn't know but I had the sense people weren't supposed to be one stationary, static thing their entire lives. People were supposed to live a lot of lives in their time on this planet. They were supposed to reinvent themselves and reevaluate their beliefs. They were supposed to look back and shake their head at the things they did before they knew better. They were supposed to get all the second chances."

From, The Belle and the Beard by Kate Canterbary.

[peaceinpandemonium]

"Being vulnerable doesn't mean you're weak. It means you trust yourself to be strong enough to handle the hurt. It's actually the purest form of strength."

From, Things We Hide From the Light by Lucy Score.

[peaceinpandemonium]

"...I'm realizing that following arbitrary rules isn't always the best way to go through life. Sometimes you need to make your own rules."

From "Off the Map" by Trish Doller

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"... that nothinhg in life was as solid-state as it appeared. A childish game might be deadly. A friend might disappear. And as much as a person might try to shield herself from it, the possibility for the other outcome was always there. We are all living, at most, half of a life, she thought. There was the life that you lived, which consisted of the choices you made and then, there was the other life, the one that was the things you hadn't chosen. And sometimes, this other life felt as palpable as the one you were living. Sometimes, it felt as if you might be walking down Brattle Street, and without warning, you could slip into this other life, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole that led to Wonderland. You would end up a different version of yourself, in some other town. But it wouldn't be strange like Wonderland, not at all. Because you would have expected all along that it could have turned out that way. You would feel relief, because you had always wondered what that other life would have looked like. And there you were."

From 'Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow' by Gabrielle Zevin

[peaceinpandemonium]

"And that is the truth of any game-it can only exist at the moment that it is being played.....In the end, all we can ever know is the game that was played, in the only world that we know."

From 'Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow' by Gabrielle Zevin

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"You wanted to find out how much I could make you feel. You wanted to know what it was like to lose yourself in passion, and find yourself safe in my arms afterward. Now I'm here, and I'm going to love you with everything I have in me."

From Hello Stranger by Lisa Kleypas.

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"When I was a girl, I thought love meant high romance and great drama, but now I understand that love that lasts is a constellation of small kindnesses."

From Archangel's Resurrection by Nalini Singh.

[peaceinpandemonium]

In the midst of this gloom, to create is an act of enlargement, of affirmation. It lights a candle in the darkness, offering solace, illumination - maybe even the possibility of transformation - not just for the maker but for the reader or viewer, which is to say all of us. Art urges us to imagine and inhabit lives other than our own, to be more thoughtful, to feel more deeply, to challenge what we think we already know. Art declares that we contain multitudes, that more than onething can be true at once. And it gives us a breathing space, in which we can listen more than talk, where we can attentively question our own beliefs. It gives us a place in this chaotic world in which to find the sort of meaning that only arises out of the stillness, deep within our quiet selves.

From "The Luminous Solution : creativity, resilience and the inner life" by Charlotte Wood

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A Reflection On Where I Am

We're coming to the end of 2021 and instead of processing 1 year, I feel like I am processing 3 (Okay, I know I am processing 3).

Towards the end of 2018 I started in a new role, which was fabulous, but soon after, an event occurred that caused immense upheaval, stress and immense personal and professional pressure that has taken a long time to heal from.

What followed was years of needing to establish myself in my new role whilst supporting my family, and due to work commitments, having my husband living with us only 1-3 days per week.

My anxiety symptoms were striving to overtake my entire world, with my asthma a close second. I often felt lonely, isolated, and exhausted. Nightmares have been more frequent than a good night's rest, and lethargy has been my norm.

I have found it easier to see where I was falling short, than where I was succeeding. And all this in a world where bushfires led into to a 2-year pandemic, where precious little was predictable or constant, and I was called upon to create the structure and the calm, both at work and in my home.

I would like to say I have learnt a lot, that I have a deeper insight or a clearer understanding of the world, but it seems that the things that used to be important to me have become more so and the things that escape me still do....

3 years later and I still do not move or exercise enough. I know it is so vital to my health and well-being yet I find it so very hard to do.

My husband and children still fill my soul and I am grateful every day for their company and their love. They do challenge me frequently, but that is an important part of our connection and commitment to each other. My husband's honesty and steadfast support is everything, and it is with immense pride and awe that I have 3 children who approach life the way they do.

My family (including my husband's family) are so important to me. Their love and support are a constant in a world where little is. I miss my little sister terribly and not a day goes by when I don't wish it was quicker to be by her side.

My friends - those close friends that support and care for me and my family - are vital to my health and well-being. The regular text messages, remotely watching shows together, and online book discussions have been my lifeline.

Empathy is always the best first step. It doesn't stop me swearing, feeling a rush of anger or thinking WTF in my head on repeat, but when I do act or speak, I make sure empathy and kindness is leading the way. Debriefing is vital, but close-minded thinking harms everyone involved.

I find fulfillment from reading - particularly romance (any and every type of romance novel!) and historical novels, and I do not feel less intelligent for this. Romance novels show insight into human nature from many perspectives that haven't historically been acknowledged as being of any value, nor encouraged or supported. And they leave you feeling good, which is constantly my peace amidst the storm!

People drain me. I wish I was energised by groups of people, but it isn't the case. My energy levels are depleted by pushing my energy outwards, ensuring those around me are comfortable and connected. I am energised by small, quiet conversations.

Sometimes I need to hide away from the world and spend time alone to recharge and I am thankful that my husband and kids are supportive of that side of me.

Moving into 2022 I am grateful my husband now has full-time employment locally which means he will again live at home with us full-time.

I am making a commitment to myself to make sure I push through my mental barriers, and remember that, like Glennon Doyle says, "we can do hard things".

I will make sure creativity is included in my life - whether it's through words, cross-stitch, piano, baking, singing, or dancing.

I will likely add to my list, but this is enough for today. For me. For now.

[peaceinpandemonium]

"My body is out from my control," he said softly. "She was the half of my body - the very half of my soul."

From 'Go Tell The Bees That I Am Gone' by Diana Gabaldon

[peaceinpandemonium]

"The truth is art will never be as effortless as it used to be, not now that people have expectations of me. All I can do is go forward, and to do that, I must stop chasing perfection. It doesn't exist. I can never please everyone. It's hard enough just pleasing myself. Instead, I must focus on giving what I have, not what people want, because that is all I can give.."

From "The Heart Principle" by Helen Hoang.