A Reflection On Where I Am
We're coming to the end of 2021 and instead of processing 1 year, I feel like I am processing 3 (Okay, I know I am processing 3).
Towards the end of 2018 I started in a new role, which was fabulous, but soon after, an event occurred that caused immense upheaval, stress and immense personal and professional pressure that has taken a long time to heal from.
What followed was years of needing to establish myself in my new role whilst supporting my family, and due to work commitments, having my husband living with us only 1-3 days per week.
My anxiety symptoms were striving to overtake my entire world, with my asthma a close second. I often felt lonely, isolated, and exhausted. Nightmares have been more frequent than a good night's rest, and lethargy has been my norm.
I have found it easier to see where I was falling short, than where I was succeeding. And all this in a world where bushfires led into to a 2-year pandemic, where precious little was predictable or constant, and I was called upon to create the structure and the calm, both at work and in my home.
I would like to say I have learnt a lot, that I have a deeper insight or a clearer understanding of the world, but it seems that the things that used to be important to me have become more so and the things that escape me still do....
3 years later and I still do not move or exercise enough. I know it is so vital to my health and well-being yet I find it so very hard to do.
My husband and children still fill my soul and I am grateful every day for their company and their love. They do challenge me frequently, but that is an important part of our connection and commitment to each other. My husband's honesty and steadfast support is everything, and it is with immense pride and awe that I have 3 children who approach life the way they do.
My family (including my husband's family) are so important to me. Their love and support are a constant in a world where little is. I miss my little sister terribly and not a day goes by when I don't wish it was quicker to be by her side.
My friends - those close friends that support and care for me and my family - are vital to my health and well-being. The regular text messages, remotely watching shows together, and online book discussions have been my lifeline.
Empathy is always the best first step. It doesn't stop me swearing, feeling a rush of anger or thinking WTF in my head on repeat, but when I do act or speak, I make sure empathy and kindness is leading the way. Debriefing is vital, but close-minded thinking harms everyone involved.
I find fulfillment from reading - particularly romance (any and every type of romance novel!) and historical novels, and I do not feel less intelligent for this. Romance novels show insight into human nature from many perspectives that haven't historically been acknowledged as being of any value, nor encouraged or supported. And they leave you feeling good, which is constantly my peace amidst the storm!
People drain me. I wish I was energised by groups of people, but it isn't the case. My energy levels are depleted by pushing my energy outwards, ensuring those around me are comfortable and connected. I am energised by small, quiet conversations.
Sometimes I need to hide away from the world and spend time alone to recharge and I am thankful that my husband and kids are supportive of that side of me.
Moving into 2022 I am grateful my husband now has full-time employment locally which means he will again live at home with us full-time.
I am making a commitment to myself to make sure I push through my mental barriers, and remember that, like Glennon Doyle says, "we can do hard things".
I will make sure creativity is included in my life - whether it's through words, cross-stitch, piano, baking, singing, or dancing.
I will likely add to my list, but this is enough for today. For me. For now.