Tumblr Writer Paparazzi - Your truthful scoop

"The truth is really boring unless it's doctored to be even more truthful as long as it makes others laugh. Or something." - Utopiaisburning

[penarazzi]

Now there is something to BRAG about

To bring you this newsflash, the Penarazzi has been staying up until half past nine, visiting the bank three hours before it opens to complain about ATM charges, and busting the floral numbers out of mothballs to visit local bingo games.

A new gang has taken to walking the streets -- mostly walking, some are limping and others are getting about in electric scooter chairs -- and this group discriminates like no other. They are known as B.R.A.G. (Blue Rinsed Agitated Grandparents) and they are a collective of angry, confused, over-medicated senior citizens.

Bluesandbarebones was the first make a slip by fondly referring to the 1980s. Most people in the Tumblr community have been comfortable in the ignorant belief that the 80s are simply a horror story told to children to scare them out of experimenting with lycra and denim ensembles, but the 80s really happened. BRAG is a positively terrifying alliance of hearing-aid-toting codgers who not only know the 80s were a real thing, but actually enjoyed living through them.

BRAG started to make waves in the TWC today when MustangKate also put out a public call for new members. It is believed that public recruiting has been required due to most of the elderly prospective members forget to attend underground recruitment drives or simply choose to knit instead.

Even more terrifying is the revelation that AQuietJoy, leader of The Coven, has taken a role high in BRAG's hierarchy -- which The Penarazzi believes is based solely on age.

So, Penarazzi readers, keep the noise down and mind your manners because you really don't want to have anything to BRAG about.

[penarazzi]

The bare witch project

Earth moved and mountains rumbled earlier this week when The Penarazzi came out of hibernation. After the long slumber and extended silence, we needed something big to get this juggernaut of Tumblr writer journalism back into action, and that catalyst came when we discovered The Coven.

We here at Penarazzi have proudly dished the dirt on all of the organisations that lurk within the Tumblr Writing Community -- and there are a lot of them ranging from feature-fixing editor conglomerates to playboy-esque Scotsmen -- but this is the first time we have truly run into a fear of the unknown.

Previous scandals have revealed unknown entities like ghouls and scientific experiments on orangutans within the TCC (Tumblr Tiny Chatters), immaculate conceptions within the Tumblr Mean Girls, feature fixing  by a collection of high profile writers in the Tumblr Editorial Enclave, and countless incidents of grand larceny and general thuggery in The Devil's Parchments -- mostly, this involved Lilysofthevalley crash tackling Penarazzi cameramen and reporters -- but never before has The Penarazzi discovered something that cannot be explained by general human greed or aggression, until now.

A coven, The Coven. One imagines a secret society of women and men, naked and chanting at the moon. One's imagination would be correct.

The Penarazzi can now report that the high priestess of Tumblr's coven has been identified as non other than Aquietjoy -- a quiet oxymoron is what we would say given the amount of maniacal cackling that comes from this matriarchal witch. A Penarazzi ninja followed Aquietjoy into the woodlands where she met with many members of the controversially named poetrysluts. They removed their clothing and wrote outrageous sexetry on slips of paper to be thrown into a cauldron. Our ninja could not hypothesise the meanings of the potion and subsequent incantations, but he found himself mildly aroused, with an unnatural desire to strip naked and write something erotic himself.

These druid rituals are disturbing and none of the experts we have consulted can come up with a reason for the displays. Stay tuned to The Penarazzi as this magickal story unfolds.

[verba-vivere-blog]

Can’t a girl orchestrate an orgy in peace?

Jayarrarr

If that orgy used the word "peace" anywhere, it was only its homophone. It took pieces from my soul and was about as peaceful as geese bidding at an auction.

What's this all about?

(via lyricalpuppetry)

[penarazzi]

Sex, drugs, cocks & holes

This Penarazzi reporter has just returned from emptying his stomach for the fifteenth time tonight. "Go and check out these rumours of a Tumblr orgy," they said. "Find out if it's a euphemism for some seedy underworld dealings," they said. "You'll get the cover story of Penarazzi's triumphant return," they said. They said that, but they gave me no idea what I would be walking into, and this free-lance gig has no health insurance so my trauma counselling is coming from my own pocket.

It all started when Tumblr's promiscuous poet princess, Jayarrarr (also a high profile member of the Tumblr Editorial Enclave), asked for the community to let their guards down and start suggesting matches. An enterprising Moaningatmidnight decided to moan at midday and throw off the shackles of one-on-one relations by suggesting a threesome, which became an orgy, which became me wasting twenty-five dollars on a dinner I retained for all of fifteen minutes.

You need have only read The Penarazzi once or twice before to know that the writing community are as horny as pin-stuck cane toads, so as soon as the word "orgy" hit the burning ears of Tumblr writers male and female, things got messy, and sticky, and messier, and stickier.

My fingers are shaking as I find myself having to recount the few minutes of the orgy I witnessed, but my journalistic integrity means I have to press on. The world must know.

I arrived at the location dressed as a furry armadillo -- an ironic costume, true, but it has been well established that the Tumblr Writing Community has a furry fetish -- and I was welcomed in with open arms and paws and trunks and ... well, details need not be too specific. The most surprising thing was the make-up and distribution of people in the room. 60% men and 40% women, but the distribution when I arrived was surprising. Almost all of the men were vying for Jayarrarr's attention, while the remaining ladies were left to occupy themselves.

And then the writer's mentality truly kicked in.

"Nobody is paying attention to me, I am going to deactivate from this orgy!" came a cry. And, I don't want to make you picture this but it needs to be said, have you ever seen a collection of furrily clad writers rush to a corner to service a furry about to leave an orgy? Picture the worst case scenario and triple it.

This sequence of events continued to happen as one writer after another would declare that they were unloved and threaten to deactivate the orgy. I am not sure how many times it happened after I feinted, but the room, the costumes and the furniture was a mess and I finally came to -- I dare not think of why my costume was also soiled.

The orgy was still in full flight when I departed, shaky and nauseous, and as far as I know, is still underway.

Penarazzi readers, please, if you do one thing today, do not go to the orgy, it will change you -- it has changed me, and now I must rest as best as I can without ever closing my eyes again.

[penarazzi]

Out of frying pan, into the coven

Ladies and gentlemen -- those of you who stuck around, anyway -- The Penarazzi is back, and we're angry. Why are we angry? We're angry because our voice was squashed by the dirty foot of The Man. Who is The Man? We don't know, we could only see his foot.

We here at the Penarazzi assume The Man's identity to be one of two things:

The IOC (International Olympic Committee) It is well documented that the IOC is out to put a stop to any media outlet willing to tell it how it is, and ladies and gentlemen, who tells it more directly than the Penarazzi? Nobody, that's who. Knowing that we were sure to bring Olympic scandals involving Tumblr writers to the fore, the IOC probably panicked and took a pre-emptive strike nine months before the Olympics even began.

The Coven The Penarazzi was instrumental in uncovering The Devil's Parchments and releasing the names of many of its members -- Lilysofthevalley, shesanargonaut, poeticallyundead, et al -- but now a new underground organisation has been formed and it is known as The Coven. The Penarazzi understands that their sole purpose is to lure male members into their S&M dens with sexetry. The Coven's first public slip was with the release of a blog called poetrysluts and knowing Penarazzi reporters are everywhere, they tried to bring free media down with their womenly wiles.

The Penarazzi has returned though, and thanks you loyal members for your patience.

Spread the word, tell your friends, tell your family, tell your pets, make sure they follow Tumblr's prime location for breaking news.

[penarazzi]

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[penarazzi]

tumblr news reading,of the penarazzi, please ignore the fact that it sounds a little like crap, it's been a while, and I am not in the swing of things again yet. 

The Voice-

[penarazzi]

Tiny Chat love child being given to The Devils Parchments

It has come to the attention of this reporter that the love child that was concived  in the tiny chat freak accident that we previously brought to light last month, is being given to the Devils Parchments to be raised as a mini kingpin by none other than the thug of writing herself,  lilysofthefield  aka Little Lil, she was heard saying that she is going to be "getting her hands on that baby" and "raising him up right". 

What she means by this, only time will tell, this reporter has not tried to question the parties involved, cause what kind of fun would that be anyway. 

Stay tuned for more information as there are many TTC (Tumblr Tiny Chatters) meetings that this reporter will be infiltrating to get the full scoop on what goes down, after Tumblr gets quiet.

[penarazzi]

Philately gets Rakuli nowhere

Our reporter followed the private poet through back alleys, over roof tops, round bends and circles until eventually, casting furtive glances all around, he slipped inside the storeroom of a long-abandoned post office. The Penarazzi reporter approached the building tentatively as there was no telling what would make Rakuli take such lengths to avoid notice.

Peering into a dusty window, through a small gap in the drawn curtains, the Penarazzi investigator was able to see Rakuli switch on bright lights over a desk and retrieve a heavy, leather-bound book. Surrounded by philatelic instruments, Rakuli began to arrange his stamp collection.

Our undercover Penarazzi reporter could not simply stand by and watch Rakuli perform the hideous act, he busted down the old post office's door and snapped this photo.

In a fit of rage, Rakuli knocked out the reporter with a single, well-placed punch and used two mint-condition, Queen Elizabeth Gold Jubilee stamps, to post the hapless reporter to Buckingham Palace.

The reporter managed to send us this photo, and a description of what happened, from his jail cell in London so we could report on the dangers of approaching Rakuli while he practises philately by himself.

[penarazzi]

... with an organ as massive as the Penarazzi ...

Jayarrarr. On Penarazzi reporter organ sizes

[penarazzi]

Lord of the flings

One word to fool them all

To put it quite simply “I love you”.

-- Graciouswords

In an inflatable pink armchair in a glass-walled room on the top floor of a manor house overlooking the Mull of Galloway in Scotland, Graciouswords words sits clothed in a purple bath robe puffing contentedly at a pipe and sipping a glass of twelve year old brandy. The Penarazzi spent a day observing the reclusive poet from afar using astronomy-grade telescopic equipment.

Following a tip-off from an anonymous source who said, "I think he loves me, I know I certainly love him, but I think he loves other girls too. I'm totally like, bummed 'cause I want him for me!" the Penarazzi decided to investigate whether Gracious words is partaking in the world's second oldest profession: Playin'.

Soon after our surveillance began, it became apparent that Graciouswords plays the Tumblr ladies like a thirteen year old boy plays with himself: with no guilt and for quick rewards. He has discovered the panacea for players, the grail for grabbing garters, the fix-all for the females. A crazy little word called "Love".

The post we have quoted at the top of this article is the pinnacle of Graciouswords's method of publicly declaring love to match private whispers of the same that are heard by many ears. The genius of writing a first person statement to be read in second person by those he has cultivated is readily apparent -- why would anyone think the message is not for them? This one simple post has shown the Penarazzi how big a playing field Graciouswords is covering.

When this article was penned, the Penarazzi believes the following to be pawns in Graciousword's flirtacious game: hopelessromantichopefulthinking, spiritedsaphira, anyideaofwhoiam,  fidolacanadienne,poetdreamer, skinnylove16, jaeid, dinalove, thewritersaddress,  angelicaldarkness, 10000sidewalks, thehoneyhouse,  godessindisguise, hazelatarashi,  s-t-a-r-g-a-z-e-r-d-r-e-a-m-e-r, justatexasboi, novicepen,  read-me-the-story-of-all, themagicaltypewriter, amoralfictionalism , becausedreamersoftenlie, k-sharp93, mimikova and of course jayarrarr

Graciouswords first reached the Penarazzi radar a month ago when caught kanoodling with Jayarrarr on a Caribbean dirty weekend. At that time, it was discovered that Jayarrarr may have been playing the player himself by secretly fondling New York editor, Killingcharlemagne. The recent study of Graciouswords,  performed by the Penarazzi, has now shown that Graciouswords was using his "Love" tactics well before the Jayarrarr incident and may even have been sewing metaphorical seeds during their Caribbean romp.

To the anonymous tipster and also to anyone else whose heart is broken by this revelation, the Penarazzi's heart goes out to you, we wanted to report good news but we are afraid to say that you will have to share Graciouswords or get nothing at all. 

He has discovered the one word to fool them all.

[penarazzi]

Lilysofthefield is a platypus! (maybe)

Lilysofthefield, thug, member of The Devil's Parchments, Phone sex operator and serial assaulter of Penarazzi cameramen, has reached the headlines again today after the Penarazzi received secret photos that apparently portray her half way between her metamorphosis from human writer to platypus.

The platypus is the only creature that serves as an argument against Evolution By Natural Selection and Creation By Intelligent Design. A creature so fantastical that most people who aren't born in Australia -- and many who are -- believe it to be a mythical animal created by an imaginative primary-schooler. Could it be that platypuses have developed the ability to turn into Tumblr writers or are platypuses a concoction of The Devil's Parchments?

The Penarazzi approached Lilysofthefield for a comment on the scandalous photos. She simply stated, "Nah! Nah! You're a platypus!" Lilysofthefield then crash-tackled a Penarazzi cameraman and swam away up a freshwater creek.

We cannot confirm if Lilysofthefield is actually a Platypus or if all platypus activity is part of The Devil's Parchments underworld but we can conclude that Lilysofthefield's reputation is now in tatters.

[penarazzi]

Shesanargonaut: She's a ghoul!

Tumblr's TinyChat Temptress, Shesanargonaut, has shattered the hopes and dreams of a handful of middle-aged creepers and destroyed the blissful ignorance of many others. In what can only be considered a mistake by the normally dutiful dame, Shesanargonaut appeared in a meeting of the Tumblr Tiny Chatters (TCC) sans-make-up from the neck up and in doing so, revealed her truly ghoulish identity.

Shesanargonaut's breasts -- or as the Penarazzi likes to call them: digital dumplings -- are the topic of much discussion in TCC meetings with members both named and nameless joining in the frenzied discussions. The revelation that Shesanargonaut is actually a ghoul will surely temper some of that conversation. It does open a door for her to be the target of a more niche group of creepers though.

Last week when the Penarazzi revealed that Lightofsveta and Apocalypsepoet were expecting to have the very first baby ever conceived in a TinyChat, questions were asked as to why Apocalypsepoet and Sheanargonaut were not the soon-to-be parents. Their romance, sometimes bordering cringe-worthy, was considered by many to be unbreakable. Now the truth about Shesanargonaut's identity has been revealed, a close friend of Apocalypsepoet has drawn some conclusions.

"Yeah, he totally like, loved her and stuff. I was in some of them TCC meetin's and I had to leave the room to stop from barfin' at all that luvin' and stuff they was talking to each other. I guess he knew that she was a ghoul or some shit and started playing around with that Lightofsveta mean girl and well. Ha. We all know what happened then ay?"(sic)

So it appears that there was at least one person who knew Shesanargonaut was a ghoul. This makes the Penarazzi ask: How many other Tumblrs have these secret identities?

[penarazzi]

Orangutan experiment uncovered

The Penarazzi has discovered that for the last five years government laboratories have been experimenting on orangutans. The experiments are believed to have been performed using a simple task/reward system with scientists hoping to teach primates communication on a human level.

The underground activities reached the public eye recently when one orangutan became so intelligent that it not only spoke with humans, it started creating poetry and prose to express itself in the written word.

Some of the Tumblr writing community may remember a seemingly young poet going by the username Robertvargas and may also have noticed his mysterious disappearance from Tumblr earlier this year. The Penarazzi has uncovered that Robertvargas was in fact an orangutan and his sudden absence from Tumblr was a result of government agents capturing him in an attempt to suppress his true identity.

The clandestine bubble burst last week when Robertvargas appeared in a Tumblr Tiny Chatters (TCC) gathering after escaping captivity. It seems that the scientists had begun deprogramming Robertvargas with his demeanour is heading back in the direction of primitive primate. Robertvargas has not been seen since this one banana consuming TCC romp and The Penarazzi believes his identity has been reset all the way to normal orangutan intelligence.

[penarazzi]

Lightofsveta falls pregnant in freak Tiny chat insemination incident

It has been revealed today the Lightofsveta and Apocalypsepoet are soon to be the proud parents of the first baby ever conceived via TinyChat. The revelation announced by Lightofsveta -- fittingly via TinyChat -- is that the baby's due date is July 8, 2012.

Details of the conception are hazy, with both parents close mouthed about the finer points --closed mouthed to avoid another baby or closed mouthed to retain privacy, the Penarazzi cannot say. It is understood that during an extended late night Tiny Chat session, excitement reared to an all time high, with webcams and monitors receiving data they were never intended to transmit.

The Penarazzi was surprised to find that although these types of accidents are highly unlikely, they are quite possible. We interviewed a leading scientist in the field of science, Mr I M Aculate, to give us a science based explanation of this conception.

"The human body is made up of a series of tubes and during intercourse between a male and a female, semen containing millions of sperm, is released into the tubes where the sperm will endeavour to find an egg. The internet is also a series of tubes so when when these bodily fluids hit objects meant to transmit data across the internet, the sperm simply treat the internet tubes as they would any other and begin their journey."

So the question is, should be start protecting ourselves while browsing the web? The Penarazzi believes that Ansell are already working on a web cam condom and keyboard spermicide spray, so the answer to that question seems to be: yes.

[penarazzi]

The Penarazzi's standards were called into question by Jayarrarr today following the exposé that revealed Killingcharlemagne and herself were moonlight "Furries" (animal role-players). It is understood that Jayarrarr is embarrassed at the revelation and may be considering a URL change to JayarrNotFurry. Her attack on the Penarazzi is obviously a last ditch effort to redeem herself to her human followers.

In order to prove that we value the truth above everything except a good story, the Penarazzi employed a detective to obtain images of the Tiny Chat incident reported on earlier. The detective was able to procure these images but says "I may never take another photo again ... doing this ...  seeing this ... just ... it was just icky. Quite a cute cat though."

The Penarazzi will let you decide.

[penarazzi]

Furries infiltrate Tumblr

It has been revealed that certain members of the Tumblr Editorial Enclave (TEE) harbour a disturbing secret. At least one editor has proven to be -- another suspected to be -- Furry Role-players.

Following a meeting of Tumblr Tiny Chatters (TTC), information was leaked to the Penarazzi that Jayarrarr had forgotten to remove all of her make-up before attending.

"She had her face painted like a cat and tried to make up some excuse about having it done for Halloween but it was clear to all that she was worried that her cover was blown," says the anonymous tipster. The source went on to say that Jayarrarr was an "Itchy Pussy" due to the make-up forcing her to scratch her face, a remark that the Penarazzi finds vulgar and arbitrary.

The second member of the TEE believed to participate in anthropomorphic role-play is "The Bear", Killingcharlemagne. A friend close to the New York editor informed us the "The Bear" often returns home late at night smelling of shame and embarrassment and dressed as a North American Brown Bear. The Penarazzi cannot confirm or deny this claim but has no reason to doubt it and marvels at "The Bear"'s confidence; using his secret life character as his nickname.