I've never done one of these, but I'm trying to have a more organized, well-planned 2018 and this seems like a good way to start.
2017 was also a life-changing big year for me, and for the world, and not taking a moment to pause and reflect on it seems not only unfair but potentially detrimental to the year ahead.
It's not worth doing if I'm not honest and I'm most comfortable being honest here on ze tumblr, where the people who know who I am are either family or relative strangers. Odd how both make me feel safer revealing emotional truths.
And so much of the year was about that. Even in the ways that it wasn't, it's what it all comes back to. How and when my son was born, the world he's been born into, the sort of life I hope we live as a family and he goes on to lead as an adult someday.
My life has changed completely from what it was at this time last year. I have gained so much, but I've lost some too.
I almost died giving birth. And this year has also been about recovering from that trauma, physically and emotionally. And embracing a change in perspective that came with it.
I'm less anxious about a lot of things these days than I was. It's easier to savor moments of joy. I have more memories of moments watching my little family with a warm contented feeling spreading through my chest from this year than I've ever had.
It's easier to let go of anger and grudges too. The baby takes almost all of the fucks I'm able to give in a day, and those remaining go to my partner, myself, our fur babies and other family, and decreasing world suck. Many things have happened where I'll think, "Yup. That was shitty. I could get really mad at this person for doing such a shitty thing. Or I could let it go and get on with my fucking day." Or just "The baby is crying. I have no time to give a shit about anything else."
My daily life has changed too. I don't work at a struggling nonprofit with a toxic workplace culture. Mostly, that's a good thing. Being a mom has been much more rewarding than working at non-profits has been since I got my Master's. I know the work I've done this year has value. I know how much it's appreciated by my loved ones. It's made my heart happy to have the privilege (that I had the choice to stop working IS privilege in action) to watch my little one grow and change so much in 8 short months. I know I've been a better partner without a job where I was overstressed, underpaid, and unappreciated. I've been able to support him more effectively through his work problems because I'm not dealing with my own.
But I miss using my brain to solve organizational problems. To plan processes and figure out new software and solve puzzles, in the service of a greater good. My career has been a central part of my life until this year, and I feel like I'm not fully using my skills, education, or capacity to do good in the world without it.
My son has inspired me to be creative. I made up a lullaby on the spot during a particularly bad crying jag, that I've since added to. It pretty much always lulls (ha! I just got that) him to sleep. I didn't think I'd ever be able to create an original song, but all I needed was the right little muse.
But last year I spent every Wednesday night singing with the women I thought had become my community. This year, during one of my most vulnerable times right before my son's birth, that was taken away from me. There was nothing I could say or do to fix it. I felt like who I was as a person, and how I actually behave and interact with others and resolve conflicts didn't matter; only what a few people said about me did. It was heartbreaking. I tried to handle it in a way that will serve as an example for my son if he ever finds himself in a similar unfortunate situation. But the fallout has lasted throughout the year. Negative emotions resurface when I'm sad or doubting myself as a mom to add fuel to the fire and make me feel worse. On top of that, the choir was going to be my weekly adult and friend time during the transition to motherhood and it was incredibly isolating to lose touch with many of the friends I'd made, outside of the occasional Facebook comment.
Thankfully, through the coincidence of having our first (or only, in our case) child at the same time, I’ve found a new community this year too. Thanks mostly to two nonprofits (I can’t get away from them) and the supportive, touchy-feely, hippie culture of our city. I also met a mom who had exactly the same delivery complication I did. And while it’s a shitty thing to bond over, it’s been a relief to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I went through and to be there for her too. That we have similar kind-of-weird senses of humor is an added bonus. I also cemented what I know will be a lifelong friendship with a friend from choir who has been a life and sanity saver as a confidante, babysitter, and all-around fun, relaxing person to spend time with. My partner and I are so very grateful to have her in our lives (and our little guy loves her to pieces!)
I can’t close out this reflection without pausing to examine our country and where it’s headed under Trump’s “leadership.” Short version: it’s terrifying and overwhelming and fury-inducing just to exist as a racially ambiguous presenting woman and mother right now (though I know it is so much harder for MANY other folks with more marginalized identities). This year, I called congress people for the first time ever, I emailed them and signed more petitions than I have in my life. I donated. I spoke up for equity and progressive values. It doesn’t feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough. But all I can do is keep trying. With the midterm elections in 2018, I know there will be more opportunities to take action and fight to change the world my son will inherit for the better.
In becoming a mother this year, I did something I’d never thought I’d do, and met the little person who will be at the center of my life for the rest of it. I am grateful for the support of my partner, my mom and stepdad - who moved here help care for their grandson, and my in-laws - who always step in to support us when we need it most.
Along the way, I've also lost my connection to two of the big things that made me, me. My partner in his infinite wisdom said “Your career and your passion for the arts made you the person I fell in love with. I want our son to get to know her too.” Next year, I'm going to work on reclaiming those things. My intention for 2018 is to work towards a balance between work and family, myself and others, that nourishes me so I can better care for the ones I love and do more to make the world suck a little less.
Wishing everyone love, happiness, and growth in the New Year!
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
areudirty
andulkaphoto
romaincrisis
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
origamiaround
vaporwave
