Hug now, escape later

Think of this as my scrap book. Emphasis on the scrap. Recurring themes are gender, sexuality, relationships, and shiny things. Occasionally goes into full fangirl mode. Update: still goes full fangirl mode, no longer girl. Pron: they/them.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Hello frens. No idea how many if any of my erstwhile moots are still here.

I am back because I need more of the gay hockey show gifs in my life.

Got a whole new career, gender, name, etc, but the username can stay. It’s mine, I chose it for a reason, it’s as much my name as the one on my paperwork.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Bump for those who may have missed it. Am back.

I used to answer to my given name sometimes on here; I will now answer to Inept for fandom purposes.

[pointnclick]

hello male writer. before you is a typewriter. you have one day to write a novella with a woman as the protagonist without describing her breasts. the timer begins now

[wander-in-arda]

Her ass was like a peach, and brother I’m in her pit.

[pointnclick]

well. that one’s on me

[byjove]

at least now we know why he has yet to return when Britain is in peril

[kitkatmoose]

We need a flick where King Arthur wakes in modern Jamaica and is very confused.

[byjove]

I think that would be so much funny. He wakes up on a remote beach in Jamaica and he only speaks/understands Brythonic and Medieval Latin. Locals assume he was a tourist who fell from a cruise ship or received a head injury and floated away from a resort. The authorities cannot match his description to any missing persons reports and his fingerprints and DNA produce no hits on INTERPOL. They suspect he may be Welsh or French because the language he speaks resembles Welsh or Breton but France and the UK both state he is not a citizen of their country. Stateless and deeply confused, he is taken in by the community near the beach where he was found, being cared for by a number of local families and doing odd jobs. He slowly learns English and adjusts to the contemporary world, uncertain if his belief that he is the legendary King Arthur was formed by whatever traumatic event caused him to end up Jamaica or if he is actually King Arthur and Prydain is in eminent peril. Mysterious letters from Morgan begin to reaffirm his belief he is King Arthur. He must choose between staying in Jamaica and continuing the happy life he has made for himself or finding a way to get back to Britain without any documentation.

[a-daks]

ancient king white boy stuns locals by ordering in perfect Jamaican Patois

[byjove]

He gets to Britain and everyone expects him to sound like a posh noble Englishman because that is the picture Malory painted but he prefers to speak Welsh and when he has to speak English, he speaks with a thick Jamaican accent.

[teashoesandhair]

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

[janehollandeer]

when I was in middle school I had a secret stash of pictures of like models and actresses and stuff that I would hide under my pillow and one day I came home from school and my mom was like hey we need to talk and I was panicking thinking I was gonna get in trouble but she wasn’t mad at all and was just really confused and was like “you don’t need to hide these you can put them up on your wall” and anyway im laughing at the idea of a teenage shane obviously having respectable posters of hockey players on his wall but then having a separate secret pile of photos and magazine clippings and such of players that he can’t quite justify why he wants to keep them secret but he just Feels Like It okay and one day yuna is idk cleaning and stumbles upon it and shane is sweating and nervous over it even though he doesn’t know why cuz he’s NOT gay and it’s NOT weird but yuna is just like “honey we all know you like hockey you don’t have to be embarrassed about liking certain players or keeping these you don’t have to hide them” and shane is like haha yeah sorry. But then still keeps them private anyway for normal reasons

[stjohnstarling]

Inside the Booming Business of Monster Porn

Teratophiliacs were once a niche group that bonded over their sexual attraction to monsters in obscure forums. Now—as online communities pro

Okay guys, we’ve got to wrap it up now with the monsterfucking and find something new to do. It’s getting write-ups in GQ, it’s so over.

[stjohnstarling]

Sometimes, in their obsession with monsters, humans end up finding other humans. In 2019, Cachét developed a crush on Salad Fingers, the main character in a British cult web cartoon. She drew porn of Salad Fingers and sent it to David Firth, the show’s creator. Firth loved it and followed her back. “He thought I was a guy because no girl would draw porn of Salad Fingers,” Cachét says.

They started messaging. Cachét complimented his drawing of a human-bug threesome and asked for a print. Three years later, Cachét and David got married. The human-bug threesome drawing hangs on the wall of their home.

Actually this does kind of rule though.

[asahiyumemi]

Interviewer: Shane, how does it feel to be a part of Rozanov's team? Especially now that you are married?

Shane, beaming: It means that I'll forever have won two more Stanley Cups than he did.

Interviewer:

[roguecampingrainstorm]

sign on a booth at oregon country fair @silly-signs

[silly-signs]

Official silly sign

[asahiyumemi]

Interviewer: Shane, how does it feel to be a part of Rozanov's team? Especially now that you are married?

Shane, beaming: It means that I'll forever have won two more Stanley Cups than he did.

Interviewer:

[ineptshieldmaid]

Actually YES: i think the people upset about what Shane is giving up are not only not appreciating “Shane gets his priorities/ identity in order” but ALSO wildly underestimating how much “we play together and we make hockey history together” PLUS “no matter what, i have more cups than him” is ESSENTIAL. The Cens are on the rise. If they win one cup and crash, Shane still has more cups. If they threepeat, Shane still has more cups.

That’s not actually a toxic sticking point because once Shane has made the “I choose him” decision, and Ilya believes it, the competition is also communication.

What I’m saying is if Shane ends up out injured for a playoff run, he would have some big feelings about his name being ON the cup even though he barely played in the playoffs. But I find it plausible that, much as they communicate via sex, they communicate via Rivalry. Perhaps especially if everyone else is treating both of them with kid gloves, they try to be normal about this but the actual payoff is when Shane snaps and says “well regardless I still have more cups than you”. Then they fuck about it and get back to an equilibrium where they don’t need to TALK about it.

[ineptshieldmaid]

I think I have finally figured out why pickled gherkins wot I can buy are the same VEGETABLE as cornichons, but taste wrong. It might be that the seasoning in French style brine is tarragon-led instead of dill-heavy.

It seems if I diversify my grocery store runs, I might even be able to obtain “French style” pickles of same.

I CAN’T find the exact match of the brine + lemon + onion olives that formed the staple of my Girl Dinner in Switzerland but I’ve enjoyed a garlic + chilli alternative. Given that I loved the said olives from ONE of the Swiss supermarket duopoly and hated it from the other, perhaps I should find an Olive I Don’t Hate and then marinate it myself…

[redstonedust]

i think being proud of where you come from is one of those things that becomes fun the more specific you get. like "proud to be english" bad rancid vibes. makes you sound like the kind of person who rants about immigrants. "proud to be from yorkshire" better vibes. i cannot deny the yorkshire cultural heritage. "proud to be from pocklington" absolutely fucking hilarious please never let anybody kill your pocklington pride.

[redstonedust]

i love the USA: weird vibes. dont trust that.

i love muskegon michigan: you are experiencing a kind of personal joy that i can and will not take from you

[negativesanchez]

[ineptshieldmaid]

@jackironsides is right: being From Melbourne (or From Sydney) is an annoying trait. I just watched the Dropout TV Smartypants episode which expounded upon how “making your city your personality” is a bad idea, mainly using LA and New York as a reference point. I’m pretty sure Sydney and Melbourne are the local equivalents.

Someone is From Brisbane and keen to make it all about that? Probably not interesting if their reference points are other capital cities; but someone who is emphatically From Toowoomba is cooking, and someone From Rockhampton is a specific kind of person who needs to be contextualised in relation to the rest of QLD.

Someone who would describe themselves blandly as from Sydney-ish but who lights up when they hear one of several accents and asks if their colleague is also from “The Area”: they aren’t even locked to an lga but they are damn proud of being from The Area. (An older version of this was “westies”; The Area is more ethnically inflected. There a white westies living in the same postcodes but not embracing The Area, and there are white ppl who’ve grown up in The Area and love that.)

Someone who is proud of being from Newcastle, or Wollongong: a specific type of person. May be annoying but in a very different way to a Sydney:Melbourne grudge match person.

Someone who is proud of being from Armidale, or Bathurst? They’re doing something specific.

And if you find me a person who’s proud of being from HOBART specifically rather than from Tasmania (Hobart normative), i don’t know what their deal would be but reasonable odds that it would be either cool or interesting.

[tatersgonnatate]

... Y'know what, sure. why not

[silly-signs]

Official silly sign

[gurlsrool]

being in a big fandom is so funny because you’ll see a post with 300 likes that’s like “I am SO tired of seeing Garbles the Clown show up in fics! It’s very transparently infantilizing to have Shane only be able to get off to Ilya’s clown persona” and now you have to confront the fact that somehow, despite reading fics everyday, you’ve missed Garbles the Clown completely

[exactphoify]

The thing about Garbles is that Shane had never felt a flint of desire before laying eyes on him. He knows he likes sex with Rozanov the best, and over time he comes to care for Ilya, but there’s always been something missing.

Then they get serious and Shane thinks it would be fun to let himself into Ilya’s apartment as a surprise for the first time. He’s met with a man in clown makeup and a wig, a big baggy overall with polka dots.

“Who are you?” Shane asks, barely able to contain the shaking heat in his voice. He already knows, it doesn’t matter what the clown says. He knows this clown is what he’s been aching for his entire life.

“Garbles.” The clown says, but he sounds ashamed. “I didn’t know you were coming… I can change.”

Shane panics as the clown turns to leave. “No. Stay.”

[threepipeproblems]

There’s something about Garbles that is just… right. It’s a feeling he can’t quite put into words, that same nameless something that had jolted up Shane’s spine the first time he held a hockey stick. An innate something that is calling to Shane from deep within himself, the same way that birds are drawn to fly south.

Shane studies Garbles’ rounded shoulders, his protective posture and suddenly fits a puzzle piece in his mind.

“This is what you meant… back in Tampa. When you said I didn’t like you. It’s because you thought I wouldn’t like this part of you.”

His boyfriend lowers his gaze to his oversized shoes. When he reaches up and rips off his big red nose, Shane notices that his hands are shaking.

“Put it back!” Shane demands, voice coming out harsh.

Garbles freezes. Slowly, ever so slowly, he puts the nose back on. His face might be covered in white paint but it cannot disguise the longing in his eyes.

The only sound Shane can hear is the pounding of his own heartbeat. Shane feels himself cross the room before the thought has fully developed. He seizes Garbles by the novelty polka dot bow tie.

“Shane!” Garbles gasps.

“Can you do something for me?”

They’re so close now Shane can feel Garbles’ breath in hot puffs against his lips.

“Anything.”

“Keep the bowtie on during.”

He reaches down, palm skimming the smooth texture of Garbles’ polyester overalls, landing decisively in between his legs. Shane squeezes the bulge he finds there. A bike horn loudly honks.

“Is that a bike horn or are you happy to see me?” Shane asks.

“It’s both,” Garbles rasps, voice hoarse, pupils blown wide. He reaches down and covers Shane’s hand with his own, and lovingly honks the horn a second time. “Shane. It’s not too late. If you don’t want this, you could just tell me. I would understand.”

“Haven’t you realized by now? I’m into Big Tops.”

[ineptshieldmaid]

….. @threepipeproblems I’m SCREAMING

[teratocrat]

there's no cock anymore no ones getting dicked down ever again they just announced that the last cock was found and sucked by a fisherman in argentina

[thetimesinbetween]

#shane hollander cup run stress dream (via @hockeyfinches)

[talahui]

NHL Alumni Association introduces post-retirement wellness plan | NHL.com

NHL, NHLPA donate more than $4 million to program, which features healthcare benefits for former players, families

“The way it’s set up now, if you’ve played one shift in the NHL you will get a family doctor. If you played one shift in the NHL you get a mental health wellness professional for you, your wife and your kids,” Healy said. As impressive as that may be, it runs far deeper than that. For those who played 400 games, they’ll receive dental and prescription eyewear coverage too. And for former players who haven’t reached that threshold and can’t afford the healthcare that they need, the League and NHLPA have established a slush fund for those, as Healy puts it, “in financial distress or find themselves in catastrophic situations.”

[pizzafelony]

nothing has fucked me up more than knowing the australian white ibis has a near-identical sister species called the african sacred ibis. the african sacred ibis is associated with thoth, ancient god of wisdom and reason. the australian white ibis is most commonly referred to as a “bin chicken”.

[triangleofdog]

And how to dress like a bin chicken….

[autistic-shane-hollander]

I'm still in the fucking building (saw another post about shane hating other gay people) 😒 this time its "its shane would hate gay people coming to his games just to support him."

First of all shane would love every ounce of fan support after he's outed especially support for his and Ilyas relationship. Shane would hate fans loving him for the thing that he was afraid they hate him for be so fucking for real.

Second of all shane would have no way of knowing which fans there even the visibly queer one aren't "real" fans

(Which by the way is something I've seen homophobes online say about pride nights that none of the gay people who attend are real fans)

As ive pointed out before shane doesn't hate visibly queer people he was uncomfortable around Fabian because he doesn't get to be around visibly queer that often. And at this point he would definitely know Harris an openly and visibly queer man who loves hockey he wouldn't assume someone doesn't like hockey because they're gay hello hypocritical much.

Third shane knows what any professional athlete would know that the best way to grow the game is to get people in seats. Anyone who walks in to the stadium can walk out as a life long fan. (That's why they have pride night in the first place) they want to entice new fans. Shane would love it if people came just to support him and left the stadium with a love of hockey.

I also just don't understand why so many people are so hell bent on having shane hate being a role model especially since there so many aspects of his story that highlight the importance of representation. He knows damn well the power of seeing queer people just exist.

I do understand that he would hate being tokenized and propped up by the league while they do next to nothing about racism and homophobia in the league however there's nuance.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Hear me out: Ilya canonically looks to the Rainbow Of Fans at the Pride Night after Troy comes out and is overwhelmed (complex), and with Troy’s input locks in to a “even if they don’t know it this is for me” mindset. And then the drive intercity to turn up at Shane’s door and say “I need too much from you”.

Shane GETS it. He absolutely understands why this is weird for Ilya and the relationship key point is about Ilya letting Shane take care of him AND (I think this is underestimated) Shane, Mr “Is It Upsetting”, figuring out a mix of explicit and tacit communication which allows them to connect through sex when Ilya is very fragile.

… but Shane has NOT had the experience of “my employer and our audience turn up with rainbows”, or if he has had audience support (TLG doesn’t address that - the main focus is on other players and The Media), it got soured by the first round playoff exit.

So if Gay Hockey is the media strategy AND the fans embrace that? I could see Shane being bugged by that, privately, but he knows that Growing The Sport is his job, has ALWAYS been his job.

The nuance point from here is what I’m chewing on