PINHEED

"Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell"@pinheed666 facebook.com/Pinheed

[pinheed]

PITY SEX, WHOMPS & GET WELL @ BLOC  21/05/15

First on is Egyptian ex pats ‘GET WELL’. Previously called We Are The Physics but after 6 previous bassists died from singer/real life crab Snippy Steves repeated pinchings they’re celebrating their 7th gig with the rename and new 2 piece lineup. The set starts raucous enough with Snippy leaping from his murky fish tank to scream into the mic but looks on angrily at drummer Beef Tabernacle as his heavy footed double bass drum assault has disheveled some of his beloved barnacles from his huge tank (some say they hold the key to the bands unique sound others say the barnacles feast on Snippy’s waste). This tension only adds to an excellent performance as the pair make it through most of the set without one death.

Next up, fresh from recording with top producer Steve McFadden, are Falkirk heroes WOMPS. The band gained infamy when they hired lotto lout Michael Carroll on front vox and punching last week and are here to prove a point to local nose ring enthusiast and radio personality Victor Galloway who slated them recently by way of writing 'womps are rubbish’ on the side of his new mitre delta football then kicking it through the window of guitarist Kev Kandys dads shite motor (Fiat Samba in Loser brown). Taking on a new oasis style sound these self styled tuff guys have all the swagger of Liam Gallagher and all the hair of Bonehead as all the band members are completely BALD apart from Carroll. Stand out tracks included 'Burnt oot motor foo of hash’ and 'Baw Booter’ but the place goes crazy as John Barrowman accent when they unleash glam stomper 'Punch the Polis’ featuring Mad Chef on backing voKILLS and CURRY! Carroll calls for his pal Big Zeek to join him on stage and he does in the most rock and roll ways slum dwellers can manage! Zeek parts the crowd with his Ford Fiesta but due to the amount of Valium and pickled eggs he’s consumed he loses control and destroys the drum kit along with drummer Punch Petersons body subsequently turning him into a GHOST. PITY SEX’s set is now cancelled which as just as well as bass player Tex Baseball is now intoxicated more than a bad Dad after feasting on one of Mad Chefs legendary Tennents Super hot dogs with Lambert and Butler fries and is now being escorted away by the police for stripping naked and arguing with bar staff who are perplexed at his demand for 'God dam soda and some god dam guns’.

[pinheed]

Lost Limbs, Polar Necks and The Sinking Feeling at Bar Bloc 15/07/14

As has been widely noted, gigs at Bar Bloc have received  less attention recently, allegedly because of the Mad Chef's introduction of the 'free chips with every pint purchased at the bar' system.

Combatting this malaise bar owner Brandon Block has introduced the first ever Gimmick Night- 3 bands each with an interesting twist he feels will help them make it. With interest I headed down to check out 3 new bands I hoped were interesting. 

First up was The Sinking Feeling, and it certainly was a fascinating debut by these guys. They've really taken the bear by the fur- the band's gimmick was having each of the band member's dads play their music as the real band members conduct them from side stage!

The first few tracks 'Mind Phone Yer Granny' and 'I Have A Broon Leather Jaiket Like Lovejoy' were awesome, sounding both close and distant at the same time. 

Unfortunately bassist Damien Stronghold’s stepdad appeared, wrestling the bass from the original dad, and his 'taps aff' and 'fleein on tins' playing style proved too jarring for the group to continue. Still, on this performance I have no doubt that if this band were headlining then they would be on last.

Polar Necks were next to take the stage and I was instantly impressed with their gimmick- the singer was a PUGGY! After loading 15 pound coins into his slot we were off!

Thunderous drums and John Cale style viola comprised most of the music, along with the puggy which we found out was a rarely seen Deacon Blue model made by Konami in 1988. As the slot machine bleeped and whirred ‘Dignity’ the band’s 20 minute set crescendoed with the rattling gambling device winning it's own jackpot! The crowd lapped this up, soaring high on an anchor of sound into the sea of music above them.

The final gimmick band this evening was Lost Limbs, only the world’s 2nd undead band! Lost Limbs were as full of life as only the dead can be!

All four members of the band lurched across the stage feasting on brains, singer Derek Courvoisier oozed pus from his legs and bassist Garrison Tinfoil choked a small cat for fun.

If I was to have been critical then perhaps I would have mentioned the revolting smell and the fact that drummer Mince Fratelli was actually still alive, but his solid drumming kept the show moving forward like a steam train on a runway, providing a strong ending to a successful night and I hope there is many more many.

PartyKid

[pinheed]

Tonight it’s SAY AWARD SHOW at the Barrowlands 2 in Glasgow! Who will win the SAY Award??? Even I don’t know the answer to that question! 

Below is the SAY AWARD SHORTLIST, and some history on the Shortlisted acts. I’m sure you’ll agree it represents a fantastic cross section of Scottish music, all the way from rap to indie to electronic indie. Be sure and check out all the acts, and have your SAY on who’s your favourite in the comment’s section below!

BEAKMEAT (formerly Biffy Clyro)- Opposites. Bassist Punch Kavanagh (4ft) used to be tall, but took the end of Britpop hard and has been permanently hunched over crying ever since.

Boards Of Canada - Tomorrow’s Harvest. BoC have taken advantage of their fun height (both 3”) by dressing as mounties and duplicating themselves into novelty key rings for sale in tourist information centres.

Charches - The Bones Of What You Believe. Pope John Paul II of Charches stands at 3ft 9” and once played a bit part in Waterworld as ‘Tiny Man 3’.

Edwin Collins - Understated. Collins 90s hit ‘A Girl Like You’ was written about the first time he met a girl of similar height (3’7”) that he could look directly in the eye, at Epsom Race Track in 2005 (his horse lost).

Hector Bizerk-  Nobody Seen Nothing. The title of the refers to the dark days before the internet when lead rapper Dr Fox (2’11”) was unable to reach the jazz mags on the top shelf of Mr News.

Mogwai - Les Revenants these Maryhill rockers (all 0.5”) were microscopically shrunk with gamma rays shortly after the release of the album Rave Tapes, and now spend their time battling ants.

Rm Hubbert - Breaks & Bone. Rick Moranis Hubbert (4’2”) is rumoured to be playing Ram Man in the new remake of Dolph Lundgen’s He Man. 

Steve Mason- Monkey Minds In The Devil’s Time. Steve had his neck removed to bring his height down to 2’ 4” after bumping his head on a bees nest during Euro ’96. He is now no longer afraid of bees and even keeps one as a pet!

The Pastels- Slow Summits. The shortest entrant on the list, Stephen Pastel (0.000000001mm) turned into a puff of whimsical vapour after tracks by Thrum and and The Vasalines were accidentally played at the same time in Monorail.

Young Fathers - Tape Two. A controversial entry to The Shortlist, as frontman Leslie Neilson (3’5”ft) is only 5 years old and has not reached his full height as of yet, despite already having two kids.

Good Luck to all artists on the Scottish Album Of The Year Shortlist from Pinheed!

[pinheed]

MOUNTAINS UNDER OCEANS EP LAUNCH @ BROADCAST

After some brief pint spilling, SHAMBLES IN A HUSK take to the stage first. These soft-rockers have traveled all the way from London to perform at this charity benefit for dead whales, immediately letting the audience know that they have their own van. Unfortunately, it quickly becomes apparent that a crook has taken their instruments from their cases and replaced them with giant woolen structures resembling instruments. The band tries their utmost to continue on with the show but alas, the concert devolves into four guys rubbing wool together onstage, generating a squeaky sound that hurts my teeth and causes the hair of a nearby Alan McGee to skyrocket. A shame really, seeing as Danny Dyer just had the band’s logo tattooed on his calf.

Next is Perths DIALECTS .First track “George Best: The Movie” is a stellar tribute to the late soccer man. The chorus sang by rhythm guitarist Tuggy Lavender almost brings a tear to my hoop. "soccer was your game, you had no shame, gonna fly, so high, in the skyeeee" while lead guitarist Alexi Lallas rips a powerfull solo on his red Epiphone 335. The LADS soon break out the acoustics for a low key version of theyre most famous track “LAGER” the hard rocking crowd drop there guard and feel the power of this ballad about Neil Morrissey and Richard Ashcrofts long running feud over who’s more LADDISH . Singer Nuno Capucho thanks the fragrant crowd for there applause before calling them “a bunch of fuckin goffs” who are not “mad for it” and soon gets escorted out by a speccy security guard to face a night of terrible teenage poetry outside the Gallery of Modern Art

Next on the menu is an act called AKORD. I’m suprised to find out its a solo project by Goro from MORTAL KOMBAT 1. He makes use of all 4 of his arms and 1 foot to play his unique brand of acoustic power violence. Unsuprisingly all his songs seem to be covers of popular hits of the 90’s like “Baked Bean Fantasy” by Biohazard and “Power Snib” by Jimmy Nail but the crowd seem like it even though they all probably know Shang Tsungs noise set in The Blue Lagoon chippy on Bath Street last week was heavier, sexier and had more vinegar and free cans of skoosh. Last on are the stars of the show MOUNTAINS UNDER OCEANS. I was immediately excited about seeing this dubstep trio after frontman “The Fuhrer” emailed me complementary images from his online ‘meme’ website. The Mountains open with one of their signature aquatic tunes, utilising samples of water, fish, Joos Valgaeren and maritime activities. The beefiest member of the band then unveils a giant GLASS BOTTOM BOAT from under an inventor-like cloth but this wild rock’n’roll act backfires the crowd turn sour. The glass bottom of the boat is shattered leaving band member Connor Huff with numerous glass skelfs. A bulky audience member (50) offers to pry the skelfs out with his leatherman but it’s no use. The show is cancelled on the spot and I use the free time to sample Broadcast’s toilets and food, one of which was brilliant and I’m not going to say which.

[pinheed]

PINHEEDS BEST OF 2013 LIST

It’s been a GREAT year for the Scottish music scene and for general suffering. I’ve attended over 7 rock concerts and claimed hundreds of souls on behalf of Billy Sloan.

BEST GIG - ERRORS. Most people had written off these Ruchill natives after there drummer Toadfish Rebechi Left the band to become a full time lobster but a blistering Texas Instruments calculator and slap bass set in the basement of MacDonners Tandoori propelled the former Kid Rock copyists to the major league of Glasgows leathercore scene.

BEST SINGLE - WELCOME TO INFECTION by VASA. Singer Chuggy Smiths struggle with Bert Konterman syndrome and ingrown eyebrows are documented on wax with a ripping scat solo by Vukovis Stevie Coleslaw. The boys have allegedly been approached by THE LEGION OF DOOM and BEETLEJUICE for use of the track as a theme song. I smell a bidding war!

BEST VENUE - BAR BLOC The Barras themed bar scoops it this year with there weekly curry karaoke night, selection of innovative vinegar based cocktails and for signing Ex Celtic ace Enrico Annoni to work the bar on Sundays and let Brian Laudrup skin him at every opportunity.

BEST CLUB NIGHT - TEENAGE RIOT These guys picked up the award hands down after enforcing there ‘NO JOGGIES’ policy and bringing back the long forgotten Foam Party and global hypercolour tshirts. The desicion to only play songs with "GAMMON" in the title seemed like a gamble but has paid off HANDSOMELY for these up and coming lads.  

BEST RADIO PRESENTER - VICTOR GALLOWAY The DJ and brains behind the chicken cottage chain of eateries takes it by a landslide after changing his show to the ever popular Braille format and offering a free CURRY to anyone who can beat him at arm wrestling LIVE on air.

BEST ALBUM - ADAM STAFFORDs “Crabs on Land”. Combining samples of old folks homes, bodybuilding mantras and courdoroy flairs proved to be a winner for the panpipe duo after the commercial failure of last years nose themed concept album ‘SNIB-ulatic Immunity’

BEST NEWCOMER - CO-EXIST These 13 guys from Denny gave up there successful day jobs as workies to become the new kings of Glasgows powercore scene. There debut EP/demo 'PANKAKE DAY' released in October took all the top spots on this years best debut lists including the covented Garlic Monthly Magazine.

MOST IMPROVED - TO KILL ACHILLES These Troon based former metalcore rockers embraced the ever growing LAD ROCK scene after a trip to Manchester, a first taste of £10 ecstasy tablets and chance meeting with Beady Eye singer Gary Carpet. There upcoming tour with Paul Wellers hair should cement there reputation as the premier indie darlings.

BEST CURRY - JUSTIN CURRIE The former Hutchie Grammar janitor and Del Piero singer takes it home after replacing his sideburns with haggis pakora and adding a naan bread cape to his already impressive outfits.

[pinheed]

EXCLUSIVE Interview with BOBBY GILLESPIE from PRIMAL SCREAM!

I caught up with legendary singer of LADROCK titans PRIMAL SCREAM hours before there homecoming rock concert in Glasgow tonight. After digesting the new album "APPLE CURRY" I was keen to quiz Rab on the bands new shoe direction, ditching WINKLEPICKERS for a mix of TROOP, SPX and HITEC SILVERSHADOW. I catch up with Bob outside staff toilets in The Hydro: Pinheed - Hi Bobby, Thanks for agreeing to this interview!, This record is certainly a departure from the intense music of the last LP "FROZEN FARTS" how did the creative process differ this time? Bobby G - Out my way you weird looking leather cunt. Insightfull stuff from this Glasgow legend. -Elliot  

[pinheed]

FATHERSON – “MINE FOR ME” – TRACK REVIEW

This song is the first single from Fatherson’s third debut record entitled “No Island“. I have been eager to hear a Fatherson album for years after hearing them playing in Glasgow’s Bar Bloc backwhen they were still called “The Enemy”.

The song opens with a 42 minute long burst of electric guitar feedback and sporadic cymbal hits that are immediately ear-catching. LUTES then cut through the mix like CHRIS EUBANK, penetrating the ears of the listener much like an electric knife in the mouth. A monologue recited by Scott Hutchinson of Drum ‘n’ Bass legends FRIGHTENED RABBIT concludes the track.

Singer Bobby Clayton’s vocals on this song remind me of Fenriz from Darkthrone’s shrieks on Darkthrone’s Transilvanian Hunger album. As a huge fan of all things EVIL, I welcome this somewhat drastic change in his vocal style. The lyrics too have taken a more SATANIC approach with lines such as “Woahhhhhh! Let the churches burn, under a freezing funeral moon!” making their way into the chorus. 

The song was recorded with legendary producer Mr Sheen using microphones and other phone accessories, giving it a highly polished sound and a robust mix that will sound good on any listening device from Walkmen to Television Sets. 

Pinheed’s verdict - 7.8/13.2

[pinheed]

THE POLAR DREAM, BETATONE DISTRACTION & DIALECTS @ BLOC

DIALECTS have been off the radar for a number of years after singer Barry Bannoffees breakdown after Michael Jordan rejecting their soundtrack to Space Jam on the grounds the band were "not as experienced sexually" as R. Kelly but the guys are back with new haircuts, a new dog and a new vision. Set opener "BASKETBALL IS PISH" kicks off proceedings. This new direction is at first quite supprising as it has more of a R'n'B feel rather than the power electronics i'd grown accostommed too. They quickly launch into "BINMAN: EROTIC", A fast paced attack on R Kelly's father and mentor Mathew Kelly, followed by a pair of  unexpected oldies in the form of doom influenced "I'LL BITE YOUR KNUCKLES OFF" and "PUS TURKEY" but the set cannot be saved as Barry has been consuming Frosty Jacks secrectly from what I thought was a Ghostbusters style proton pack on his back that actually turned out to be 2 bottles of the popular onion cider taped together and straped to his back and is now so drunk he passes out but not after retreiving his Return of the Jedi sleeping bag from the bass drum.

Next up is BETATONE DISTRACTION. Fusing baggy jeans and corpse paint is a daring move and i for one salute them for it. These Eddie Murphy themed rockers look the part and apparently "never sweat" but the performance is cancelled when drummer Tender Thomas loses his cool with Barry Bannoffee (whos now reached Andy Goram levels of drunkeness) constant ribbing of his BOOTCUT JEANS and the 2 engage in battle.

Both the guys are soon launched from the venue by bar owner and big bendy nose pioneer BRANDON BLOCK and are forced to kiss for his pleasure at the cash machines dirctly across from the entrance while Brandon puts his bus pass attached to a calculator in the ATM in a vein attempt to recreate scene from Terminator 2 where the strange mulleted ginger kid and Bruce Lee hack the cash machine to play Afterburner in the arcade. Headlining the bill is THE POLAR DREAM.  I was expecting some good things from this local power trio but failed to watch them as a pigeon landed on my face obscuring my veiw. -Elliot  

[pinheed]

ROBBIE WILLIAMS @ HAMPDEN PARK

After 8 minutes of bothering SMASH HITS editor John Fraaaaast (5 A’s) on his Teletext page about writing for his publication he finally gives in and furnishes me with a AAA pass (3 A’s) to tonight's Robbie Williams show in Hampden park. Although not as well versed in pop music as i’d like to be I took on this challenge, hoping to prove myself to certain naysayers who claim i’m a one dimension, fictional leather clad “wank dog”(thanks Billy Sloan). After securing a ice cold pint of gravy I part the sea of pink lambrini and yellow/brown pish like a pasty moses and make my to the front to catch immensely popular and parsnip shaped singer OLLY MURS. Admittedly his brand of one man grind-core does not really have a place here but he gives it his best shot. Once he hits play on his Alesis SR16 drum machine the tune starts and turns out to be a cover of Niles “Sacrifice Unto Sebek”. Interseting choice as its more of a death metal anthem but this vinatge crowd of baggy ladies lap up this tale of ancient Egypt and bald men with long hair like they would lap up a bag of 20p off coupons from Marks and Spencer. He is soon joined on stage by a visabley drunk Tony Mortimer, the pair soon kiss for a while then leave the stage with there hands in each others back pocket into a nearby bouncy castle. This is the kind of performance art bands like Throbbing Gristle and Fatherson can dream off. At last rolly polly funnyman ROBERT WILLIAMS arrives on stage…. or does he? What can only be described as a 10ft CHOCOLATE effigy of ex Scotland keeper JIM LEIGHTON complete with what looks like JAM instead of vaseline on his forehead is wheeled on stage by his minions dressed in dark cloaks and Umbro astro turf trainers. This tasty monolith stands motionless for a while till it starts to break open and Rob is revealed! After eating his way free he greets the crowd with a noble bow and instantly tucks into a binbag full of SCOTCH EGGS as his backing band accompany him with his debut hit "Shrimp Seduction” as he devours the small eggy snacks in 3:36. Next up is the underrated “This Mutton Tastes Mad” where he lets the crowd into the joke that the microphone he’s been carrying is actually 8 ICE POLES of various exotic flavours sealed together with an ASTROBELT. One would assume to cleanse the pallet and reach the high notes of this crowd pleasing track. As always he invites an ancient member of the audience up on stage to duet on the track made famous by Rod and actress Gregor Fisher "This Sex Donut, Glazed With Anticipation”. The emotional orchestra begins as crowd member Beryl Tweed starts singing the intro to the track. Suddenly Robb bashes her on the back of the head with a pillowcase full of JOLLY RANCHERS, knocking her unconscious. He then proceeds to cover her in MUSTARD and consume her haircut and finally her mind. An acoustic, mellowed out interlude allows the rotund star to feast on a BIKE and wipe the memories of Beryl Tweeds first communion and some crumbs from his mouth before playing a show stopping version of "Bear Steaks and Brown Bananas” where he manages to drink 16 litres of MARROWBONE JELLY in between singing the words. After a quick pack of SCAMPI FRIES Todd brings the crowd to the boil with signature set closer “Angel Delight" after a heart wrenching 6 helpings of the fluffy dessert he waves goodbye to his audience, finishes off some CHIPS he finds while walking of stage and soon disappears into his famous Maggie snack van and drives back to his home at top of Byres Road at the gates of the Botanic Gardens. All I can say is wow! What an entertainer this guy is. My only concern is that he actually ate a whole 70's vintage Raleigh chopper bike on stage and no one really thought it was insane and downright reckless apart from me but I suppose a pop icon of this magnitude can eat whatever mode of transport he wants. -Elliot 

[pinheed]

'PINHEED PRESENTS' Glasgows newest and most leathery gig promotions company! We have our first show tonight and more outrageous bands rock bands on the way!

[pinheed]

THE STONE ROSES @ GLASGOW GREEN

So….THIS IS THE ONE! The Stone Roses big return to Glasgow after there 1991 show in The Classic Grand ended in turmoil when there was 12 polly bags over the venue door and the show was cancelled due to a buid up of condensation and old receipts. I summon a half pint Steve Lamaq cider in MARGARET MAYS pub and after some initial scepticism about my leather attire and indie credentials these Rod Stewart devotees open up to me about there love for the Roses. Barry Horrowitz from Mussleburgh says “I grew up with this face and nothing will ever change that”, Garb Trankt from Future said “Thes arms are jakes” and Terry Feast from Fife said “One of my feet is roastin’ and the other is freezin”. Opening act JAKE BUGG is quite simply amazing! He appears onstage with the swagger of an young Patrick Truman. After removimg his apron and slippers but still clutching on to his BEEF & TOMATO POT NOODLE he steps into a 8ft black ridged egg shape vessel (not unlike that of Seth Brundles home made teleportation contraption seen in The Fly), some blue light and bee type noises later, he vanishes. Theres silence for 6 minutes, the crowds cheers turn to eggyness and as quick as it happened (6 minutes) he re-emerges from a 2nd telepod hiden behind keyboard player Garys Sinese’s barrel chest as some kind of part man part pot noodle! Thick udon style hair not unlike SID VICIOUS in his early WWF days and between his legs flat black balls like 2 individual soy sauce sachets are visable but his cries shield the rest of this fleshy travesty. Interesting start for the biggest indie gig of the year but no doubt one that will have Jeff Goldblum talking smack about them on REVERB NATION for at least 92 minutes (bizzarely the same length as Jurrassic Park III). Next up is THE VIEW. I would like to say I watched them as i’m a massive fan of there first LP “GARLIC REGRET” but i quite literally had the oppertunity to travel back in time to when I was 13 and to tell myself never to wear joggies with smart shoes/boots and I took it, sorry THE VEIW. Next the legendary PRIMAL SCREAM. The West Kilbride street team are out in force to cheer on the boys and go nuts when set opener “DENIM LEG TRANSPLANT“ kicks in! Frontman Aunt Bessies Roast Gillespies vocals are basted in duck fat as usual and controvesy is on the menu when he takes time out of singing to check his ongoing Sensible Soccer game on his now trademark sidestage Atari ST during the opener but once he announces the signing of Tommy Johnstone to his virtual team all is forgiven and adds gusto, cream and farts to his performance! Things are going well until Drummer Grace Jones accidently mentions into his Mr C style headset mic that he thinks Steve Marriots haircut was “silly” and “his face was “Fergal Sharkey-esque’, the local Mods dont take it too well and start a petition to get the band thrown of the bill , unfortunately the bill is carried through in a record time and the Primals set is cut short. The guys are then piled into a nearby transparent rhombus like the bad guys in Superman II and whisked back to East Kilbride to Alan McGhees dojo for a hefty lesson in past hairstyles and maths. Finaly Liverpool legends THE STONE ROSES take the stage! Emotions are running high when singer Brown Iain and guitarist Michael Douglas embrace in front of the capacity crowd, first time since completing CONTRA III on the SNES backstage. The guys launch into “BORING FEAR”, the classic track found on the lesser known debut album, about bassist Robbie Maddix fear of onions and bats and parsnips. The crowd are now fairly hyped up so they unleash “BISCUIT TAX”, a call to arms over the former Dundee United managerial team of Dr Dre and Eminem and there controversial banning of Hob Nobs and they wee pink waffer biscuits your granny always seemed to have. The audience ingest it instantly like the banning was a bad dream. A rarity tonight is the inclution of “SWEAT KING”, a striped back re-working of original singer Nigel Ipinsons solo hit “A ONE WAY TICKET TO THE IODINE TESTING FACTORY”, no one on stage or in the crowd really knows what to make of it and the gig pretty much ends there and then. -Elliot  

[pinheed]

NEVADA BASE/MACHINES IN HEAVEN/ RANDOLPH'S LEAP/ DJ KRIS WASABI @ THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Sweat oozed from my head as I entered Edinburgh’s THE BREAKFAST CLUB (no relation to the 1983 psychological horror movie) on Friday 5th of April 2013. Drenched head-to-toe in leather and having never visited Edinburgh before, I wasn’t prepared for the blisteringly hot sunshine and posh atmosphere. I was however prepared to ROCK.

The first act of the night were Newcastle-themed Elgin electro-rockers RANDOLPH’S LEAP.  I would describetheir sound as LUST-ROCK as it fuses classic electro-rock instrumentation (such as bass) with sensual vocals resembling the late 1880s output of MOTOWN RECORDS. For an opening act, I thought these guys were damn good. Passers by may have noticed me fisting the air with enjoyment. Sadly their set was cut short after only two songs as lead singer Mitch Rodriquez (40) fell backwards off of the stage injuring both teeth and skin in and around his face.

The next band to take to the stage were Busby’s MACHINES IN HEAVEN. Since swatching a rave review of these guys in the MARGARET MAY’S BOG I’ve been more than eager to catch them live. Their set opened unsurprisingly with this year’s quintessential death-mosh anthem “Uncle Amok (I’m Fleeing)” sending the audience into a raucous dance which more than resembled a feeding frenzy. The vibe of the audience drastically changed when MACHINES IN HEAVEN began to perform some of the more dulcet emotional-rock compositions from their debut full-length LP “What Makes A Man Tan Crisps?”. During the performance of these songs drummer Chris Sutton exchanged his kit for a hand-carved crumhorn (face flute) and unleashed a nasal attack on the unsuspecting audience. Their live act was indeed (to quote the MARGARET MAY’S BOG review) a “well-buttered machine”. 

The final act to take to the stage were Rutherglen’s NEVADA BASE. Their set opens with the eruption of FIREWORKS causing considerable damage to the interior of the venue and enraging club owner LORD STRENGTH. Unlike any other skater band on Earth, NEVADA BASE encourage their fans to get up on stage and perform live beatboxingas they cannot afford a drummer. A great cover of SPANDAU BALLET’s song “GOLD (snout)” is only partly performed when LORD STRENGTH rushes the stage demanding the band pay for their damage to the arena in front of a live TV audience. 

Between the bands, DJ KRIS WASABI kept the excitable crowd dancing. Contrary to his name however, he played nothing but NUT HOUSE, hinting that his alias may be a sarcastic dig at today’s ever popular PEACORE scene.

A review by Cenobite_Chatterer

[pinheed]

BIFFY CLYRO @ SECC

This is the first time I've seen biffy in 11 years. The last time was a secret gig only I attended when some one left a hotdog on the front steps of the 13th note and only the biffy boys and I bein meat eaters could pass into the venue! Allthough I arrive at the SEEC (scottish eddie the eagle centre, named after the crazy eyed ski jumper who officially opened the facility in 2015) I avoid the support band 'City & Colour' as I once sold the drummer a fake Global Video card and he got knocked back trying to rent Bill Cosbys opus "Ghost Dad" and I seen on his Bebo page he's now some kind of muscleman and was sure to punch my feet off but manage to catch biffys opening tune 'Drink My Slabber', a new track that spews venom like a drunk Dad spews vomit. Frontman Brian clyro picks a hypnotic stactto riff on his signature BC Rich bass while rhythm twins Jimmy Johnston (bass/free kicks) and Boaby Sands (drums/biopic) trade electricity like genuine Dads and Stepdads trade knowing glances.  Signature track "Marinated Beard" is next with a mystery man (who turns out to be ex guitarist Jake "the snake" Roberts) firing a mix of tiny tunnocks tea cakes and mystery meat into the crowd via blunderbuss. The night soon calms down with a sweet acoustic rendition of 'Pie Quest' from debut album "Solid Butter and a Bendy Spoon", frontman Borris Clyros thick welsh accent and flamenco guitar washes over the crowd like a liquid 62 bus full of beans and expensive jumpers. Set closer 'Ten Ugly Legs' is euphoric as expected, at one point I high five the ghost of Ringo Starrs nose as he crowd surfs past me and even a drunken stage invasion by ex guitarist and new drummer Apollo Creed can't ruin the mood. It's been a long time coming but biffy have finally reached the top of the tree! C'mon the Clyro as the kids say!  -Elliot 

[pinheed]

MY BLOODY VALENTINE - MBV'

So it’s been 12 years since my bloody valentine released there seminal debut album ‘lovefilm’ and after a lengthy legal battle with the creator of battlestar galactica Alan McGhee over the ownership of a Coming to America VHS the new collection of tracks tithed simply MBV is here at last! Long gaps between albums Usualy means the results are sure to disappoint. We all remember the fracas involving the stone roses ‘love is the law’ album and oasis ‘beetroot heart’ EP that were both met with unanimous indifference. Opening track ‘Parsnip’ takes you back to the familiar sound Kenny Sheilds is famous for, hot break beats are at the front of the mix while the processed sound of an omelette being made sits in the background with a few sweet pentatonic blues licks thrown in for good measure. 4 songs in the upbeat mood of ‘big American party’ keeps the smiles broad with its rich slap bass and gang vocals. Strangest offering on show is a tune called ‘Frederick Kruger’ which according to the tape inlay is co vocalist and guitarist frank butcher at brick lane market cracking a deal for some carpet off cuts then drinking a can of tab clear really loudly, strange yes but run of the mill has never been there style has it? It’s been a long time in the making and i feel this new opus has lived up to the hype all the naysayers in the daily record and various rangers forums will now have to feast in there words, digest there words and shit them out into the mouths of any one else saying ye mighty valentines time is over this creating a lengthy time where people have shit in there mouths. -Elliot 

[pinheed]

UNITED FRUIT & CARNIVORES @ KING TUTS

Having caught CARNIVORES in the Bearsden Gala day a few years years ago I was keen to see how they're heavy duty sound has progressed since the summer of '99, I was surprised to find they're complex Bardo Pond influenced compositions I'd came accustomed to had been replaced with a sole laptop providing all the vocals, instrumentation and band members, apart from a guy with an obscenely long finger to push the space bar and get this show on the road..

Tracks that stood out where the twisting samba groove of 'gimie back my gas' and a stellar performance of old favourite, and according to celloist and DJ Rick Witter 'reworked for the peanuts and crisps generation', the classic 'this slaughter buiscuit' .UNITED FRUIT on the other hand stick to there instantly recognisable sound they crafted as far back as there debut show in The Gristle Tavern in there native Hull back in 89, 3 bass guitars, 3 vocals and questionable drumming.

Onstage Internal bickering over who is most muscular threatens to end the show before its even started but tempers are diffused when a dog with a poly bag on its head wanders into the venue and soon brings unity back to these old time rockers who work together with long time manager Bertie Savoy To free the hapless pooch from the bag (tesco), suffocation and sweaty eyes.Opener 'Cyril Sneer' is as pungent as it was on they're debut album 'Puggy mince and iron potatoes' And lead bassist Gar Brenk let's rip with a solo so erotic that it would bring Rodger Waters back from beyond the grave and head bang with the other revellers at tuts tonight.Things slow down when we're treated to a new ballad called 'Cake Gun', the 3 low end wizards sit cross legged facing each other in concentration to complete the intricate polyrhythmic prog bass lines while drummer The Cuboid looks on in disgust.After a quick tombola, where yours truly wins a bean can, The mood intensifies when they end the set with John Peel endorsed break thru single 'Succulent Hammer'.The place erupts!No surprise as this classic track has just been re-released after a bit of a renaissance after appearing in the new Sports Direct ad also featuring tombstone faced actress Minnie Driver.It's amazing to see guys the same age as my dads pal Alan still ripping up the stage and showing the new generation how it should be done. -Elliot 

[pinheed]

FAT JANITOR & YOUNG PHILADELPHIA @ BLOC

We arrive in Bloc 3 hours early to catch the're signature play, pint and a pie. This time its a 1 man recreation of ITV's Take me out. I never thought i'd ever see a man chat himself up, perform a "sex dance" and then kiss his own face in my life time but the magic of theatre can always find a way. On to the music, YOUNG PHILADELPHIA is the acoustic solo venture of former Rangers ace Nacho Novo. His songs are introspective, garlicy and deal with the pressure of being Nacho Novo. The set starts with a rousing rendition of his first single "YOUNG CROUTON". Dense as always and the crowd sing alone to every word which would'nt be hard as the only lyrics are "Crouton: you used to be bread". Things then take an unexpected turn as he proceeds to talk on his phone to Jorge Albertz for the duration of his time on stage. Although the conversation is in a language i'm not familiar with I hear him mention "FROOT SHOOT", "CAVITY WALL INSULATION", "FABERGE EGGS" and "PIE". A true artist in every sense of the word. Next up is Fife trio FAT JANITOR. Having never heard of these chaps I take the opertunity to quiz keyboard player Tam Talent in the mens room while he's applying a strange brown wax to his hair. He tells me the band are part of the new HAIRCORE movement, bands who only perform with "powerfull hair" and he quickly departs to take the stage. These boys combine electronic drums with electronic bass and what can only be described as organic crying in place of conventional vocals. True to there word the hair on show is amazing and powerfull, Bass player Tam Talent has BRAIDS not unsimilar to Axl Rose in the latter or golden age of G'nR, singer Alan Action has BOUFFANT that resembles a young Carl Kennedy and guitar player Tim Booth has one solitary DREADLOCK. If this is what haircore is all about then i'm converted! - Elliot

[pinheed]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Back when I was Elliot Spencer my earliest memory was when I first tasted my dear mothers pie.I must have been 3 or 4 and the scent of that pie and the dark crust on top on the kitchen table will always be on my mind.