things about middle-earth that sound fake to people who haven't read the silmarillion
the earth was flat until some people pissed off god enough that he punched it round
the sun and moon used to be trees, but a big spider ate them
elves even being in middle-earth can be traced back to one (1) dude hating that people mispronounced his mom's name
sauron is a werewolf
elrond's biological parents are a star and a bird now
there's a sexy vampire lady
fighting a balrog barehanded is so cool it'll get you reincarnated right away even if there isn't a current big crisis going on (sorry gandalf, glorfindel just did it better)
satan got banned from heaven for playing his own music too loud
if you were intense enough in life, when you die, you might literally explode
specifically, the sun and moon are a fruit and a flower from the trees the big spider ate
this one guy (Sauron’s boss) got so scared of the big spider that he screeched really loud and the rocks nearby echoed his screams for centuries
that is until the land got squelched and fell into the sea in a giant battle that destroyed the continent (as you do)
(some of the other) elves being in Middle-earth happened because the Valar invited them to their special land but the elves lost their king in a forest and didn’t want to leave him
the Minas Tirith that you know in LOTR isn’t the first Minas Tirith—Sauron conquered the other one, but then lost it again because of a girl and her dog
Sauron had beef with the dog even before meeting him
the dog could talk
eagles used to be even bigger (yes really)
the elf-dwarf feud can be traced back to a dispute over a necklace with a very shiny rock
elves might seem all wise in LOTR, but in the Silmarillion they straight up murder other elves (this happens multiple times) (it is for the shiny rocks also)
Middle-Earth went through two sets of light sources before the Sun and Moon. Both of them were destroyed because the gods partied too hard and didn’t notice Morgoth Party Crasher Bauglir on the horizon.
Dying Is A Gift, Actually
Every character is in some way a war criminal, even the elves. (ESPECIALLY the elves)
So many elves named some variation of ‘hair’
In the Even Silmier Silm (yes this does exist) said Sun is actually a boat, made out of a giant fruit specifically because the Gods fumbled it so bad it broke in half. It’s steered by a lady who went swimming in light that burns you.
Also in the Silmier Silm, some guy named Túrin threw a cup at an elf’s head so hard that the elf fucking died. All of this is because the elf insulted his mother
God didn’t just punch the earth round because of some random people, he did it because Sauron started a cult and got people to sacrifice their neighbors to his imprisoned boss. Sauron also convinced them to sail west (they were not supposed to sail west), to fight the Gods (plural, there is a difference here) and become immortal.
Did I mention how Middle-Earth is canonically polytheistic and monotheistic at the same time? Not even because of there being multiple religions, the worldbuilding is just Like That
Morgoth is apparently a cat lady in the Silmier Silm. Dude had way too many cats.
The dude who exploded also personally told Morgoth to go fuck himself.
And of course,
Sauron hot
elrond is related to both Sauron and the talking dog
elven pregnancies are hotly debated (are they 1 year, 12 years, or 100+ years?)
in valmar they call me HWËANÁRO (cue a distinct lack of laughter)
Hairy Bride canonically fucking off up a mountain
the murder-elves used to be gnomes. jirt wrote a gest (pronounced jest) about gnomes.
everyone in the fandom us always going on about thorn, but it's a voiceless dental fricative. thorn can also be voiced; its just a letter
axe-wielding all-female guards of a female ruler going through the valley of Dreadful Death(tm) just bc the local elf was annoying
a queen of gondor, in the more canon drafts, who had evil cats who spied on people (she also hated cats)
the dancing bears of númenor (not clickbait)
evil talking swords
the world is made of music (literal)
polyamory is punishable by death if you're an elf (divine mandate btw)
Hair-Wise-Hair, and Hair-Noble-Hair
the versions in which elrond and his brother (he has a brother btw) are just named by their kidnappers??? because they found them by a stream and in a cave???? (elros = elf/star-foam; elrond = elf/star-dome)
there was a version of the silmarillion where the narrator was from the 1990s (written before 1930); this was of course very unrelatable, so Tolkien made the audience-insert be from 9th century mercia
Hair Commander and Commanding Hair; likely born at similar dates. their cousin, however, is *not* Hair Champion; his name is Exalted Hair, but if you dont realise which language his name is in, it becomes Hair Champion
the moon wants to fuck the sun, apparently. not the fruit/flower btw.
elves committed actual genocides in the silmarillion. and this is NOT about the kinslayings.
due to tolkien failing to realise that richard i "the lionheart" of england was a known sodomite (having publicly confessed to it), he unintentionally made gay incest all but canonical. this is elves again btw
there are no words for "thank you" or "sorry" in tolkien's constructed languages (þindarin, quenya, etc.), but it is possible to call someone a stunted virgin murderer who loves orcs (romantically). there are also about a dozen ways to say you arent close friends with someone in quenya.
elves created fusion reactors before they had chainmail. this is canon. they got the chainmail from the dwarves.
those shiny rocks that they kill people over? those are radioactive as shit, and beren & lúthien possibly were killed by long-term exposure to one.
sauron seduces people constantly. its actually quite a problem.
yknow those wise and noble elves? filicide. in one version, an elf (possibly intentionally) burns his own son alive. this is included in a section about language reform btw
the elven king who got lost in a forest? he got "lost" bc he stared into the eyeballs of a minor goddess for between 200 and 2880 years. this is apparently called "marriage".
there are robot dragons. robot. dragons.
dragon so big it crushed a mountain range when it died (helped sink a continent)
cool-cold, my favourite fortress to winter in.
when you cant think of a name for a character and he ends up named "ugly beard"
a character whose hand was chopped off was given a name at birth/in early childhood that was a hand pun. it is strongly implied that his mother saw the future, saw him with only one hand, and named her baby "HANDsome". roughly half of his names are hand puns, including his old english names. his brothers old english name is a hand pun about HIS hand.
a different mother named her son "fell-fire". he was killed by dragonfire. wtf
it is unclear if elves recognise gay marriage.
interpretive dance caused the god of death to bring people back to life. it also put sauron's boss to sleep
