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@placeholdernews
Senior's Warm Feeling Toward ASG Remarkably Brief
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Senior Jon Tran reportedly closed his laptop Monday evening in contempt after reading what he later described as “ASG’s return to bullshit.” Earlier in the month, Tran told reporters, he had experienced a feeling heretofore unfelt in his four years at Santa Clara University. “I felt… proud… of ASG,” he said, clearly almost choking on the syllables as he said them, entirely…
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Bookstore Offers -50% Off Thanksgiving Sale
Bookstore Offers -50% Off Thanksgiving Sale
SANTA CLARA, CA. — The bookstore is offering “unbeatable holiday deals” for the Thanksgiving season with a new -50% off all merchandise sale. Confused tour groups, led through the Benson plaza, sadly purchased $90 spirit jerseys and $120 Nike yoga pants emblazoned with the Broncos logo, reeled in by the huge banners in the bookstore windows. “It’s a really great deal! We’re also doing a BOG0…
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Student Tells Parents She's "Fine" as Gaping Maw of Stress and Anxiety Tightens Around Her Neck
Student Tells Parents She’s “Fine” as Gaping Maw of Stress and Anxiety Tightens Around Her Neck
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Colleen Michaels, a junior, reportedly told her parents that she was “doing just fine” and felt “just a little tired” in a phone call last Tuesday, neglecting to mention the crippling burden of anxiety and doubt welling up to her waist like a cesspool of doom. Michaels reported to them that she found her midterms “hard, but I’m pretty sure I did well on most of them,” while…
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As A White Student, I Feel Marginalized By a System Not Entirely Rigged in My Favor
As A White Student, I Feel Marginalized By a System Not Entirely Rigged in My Favor
It’s time for our voices — the marginalized voices of white students on this campus — to be heard. Colleges and universities are racist against white people. Now, now, I know what you’re going to say. “Affirmative action isn’t racist against white people,” you tell me. “It’s a purposeful correction to an education system that heavily favors white students from cradle to college. It exists to…
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ASG President and Vice President Answer No Questions at Town Hall
ASG President and Vice President Answer No Questions at Town Hall
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Many attendees of the quarterly “When Is It Not a Good Day to be a Bronco?” town hall meeting were unsurprised when ASG President Some Gal and ASG Vice President Some Guy managed to not answer a single question during the entirety of the meeting, instead deflecting questions entirely or simply deferring to the senators in the audience. “Hi, my name is Kara Bronson, and I’m a…
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WE'RE BACK! AND WE'RE HIRING!
WE’RE BACK! AND WE’RE HIRING!
Did you think we were gone for good? That we had died a tragic death, never to be seen again? NOPE! We’re back, and we’re hiring! Think you’ve got a sense of humor? Got a knack for writing? Have a bone to pick with something on campus? Or maybe you just have some talent you’d like to lend to the team, like graphic design or artwork? Fill out the form after the cut! Thanks for your patience…
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Love wins, motherfuckers.
Students Starting Satire Magazine Think They're Sooo Funny
Students Starting Satire Magazine Think They’re Sooo Funny
SANTA CLARA, Calif. — A wave of annoyance has hit the student body as they slowly realize that the satirical writers of [Placeholder] think they’re oh, so funny. “Hey Seymour,” said Sam Clemency, Head of Operations, between fits of giggles. “What if we decided to make fun of the petting zoo?” “Oh man, the petting zoo?” cackled Seymour Butts, Editor in Chief. “That’ll be so funny. Nobody would…
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Father Engh Secretly Replaced by Robot Controlled by Council of Geriatric Alumni
Father Engh Secretly Replaced by Robot Controlled by Council of Geriatric Alumni
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Dinner guests of Father Engh were shocked last Friday when the esteemed SCU president suddenly began to emit sparks and repeat the phrase “all work and no play” after an Adobe Lodge waitress accidentally spilled water on him. An anonymous source from inside the party told [Placeholder] that an electrical fire broke out between Engh’s shoulders and had to be quickly doused by…
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[Placeholder] Editor Spends Evening Watching Community Finale and Crying Instead of Studying or Writing Satire
Editor’s Note: If you don’t watch or don’t like Community, this strip applies. Instead of doing something productive like, you know, studying for finals or whatever, [Placeholder] editor Sam Clemency reportedly spent Wednesday evening sobbing at his desk while repeatedly watching the sixth season finale of the hit television show Community. “It’s just… it feels so… final,” he said. “But oh my…
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"We Really Love Money" Says Administration on Divestment
"We Really Love Money" Says Administration on Divestment http://placeholdernews.com/?p=1554
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—In an official response to Fossil Free SCU’s divestment campaign, SCU administrators told students that they “really love money.” “Not gonna lie,” said administrator Jason Statham, “not investing in fossil fuels sounds like a pretty solid plan. Y’know, committing to sustainability and all that jazz. But do you know how valuable that shit is? We make fucktons off of it. While…
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Freshman Discovers He Loves Being in the Library at 4AM
Freshman Discovers He Loves Being in the Library at 4AM
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Taking full advantage of the library’s twenty-four hour availability during finals week, freshman Jack Dawson found himself enjoying the peace and quiet he found amongst the bookshelves early Monday morning. “There’s a sort of serenity in coming here at midnight and leaving at seven AM for class,” he told reporters. “Contrary to popular belief, the completely loss of your…
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Communications Major One Joke Away from Stabbing Everyone in Sight
Communications Major One Joke Away from Stabbing Everyone in Sight
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—Wednesday night, [Placeholder] received reports that communications major Annie Edison, ’15, released a statement which made it clear that she would stab the next motherfucker who made another goddamn joke about her degree. “I have worked. So. Very. Hard. For this degree,” she told a group of gathered students after she drew their attention with an anguished scream. “You know…
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ASG Vice President Some Guy Mistakes Racism Discussion for Snack-Enthusiasts Meeting
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—In an error deemed by many as “very unfortunate,” ASG Vice President Some Guy apparently mistook a Friday meeting organized to address racism on campus for a later meeting held by people who really enjoy snacks. “I just think snacks are great,” he told the visibly uncomfortable gathering of students. “I mean seriously. Like, sometimes I have like a really great snack and I…
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Benson Tablers Resort to Drastic Measures to Attract Any Semblance of Attention
Benson Tablers Resort to Drastic Measures to Attract Any Semblance of Attention
SANTA CLARA, Calif.—In a desperate final attempt to get anyone, anyone, to pay attention to their clubs’ tables, members of various on-campus groups have begun to adopt wild advertising tactics in and outside of Benson. “We’re just fed up at this point. People complain about not feeling involved, but we’re all RIGHT HERE!” said Jimmy Richard, a member of Hipnotik. [Placeholder] interviewed him…
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Engineering & Accounting Students Prepare for Annual Boxing Match
Engineering & Accounting Students Prepare for Annual Boxing Match
SANTA CLARA, Calif. — After months of endless talks and negotiations, a final date has finally been set for the annual and much awaited boxing match between students from the engineering school and students from the business school.
“The student body was sick and tired of the endless pissing match between the two groups, so we just decided to let them duke it out,” said Roger White, Dean of…
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Student Does Assigned Reading for First Time
Student Does Assigned Reading for First Time
SANTA CLARA, CA. – A student was reported to have actually done the assigned reading for his CTW core class this week.
The student in question, freshman Matty Pearson, could hardly believe what he’d done. “I mean, I bought the book at the beginning of the quarter, but it’s basically been on my floor until a few days ago. The assigned reading was short, and I was sort of interested in the topic,…
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