the woman with plump lips

23 years old black woman, I write a bunch of stories and I am ready to share them with the public. Enjoy !

[plumplips]

Here is a spotify playlist I’m doing, with different songs my stories make me think off.

Enjoy !

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6DHhLvN6SWOgVvOiswG0Qi?si=lGUuWS1NRv6VmL1JDZS7Bg

[plumplips]

Hey guys, I haven’t been on this app for a while and I am back with a little letter. I was supposed to write it yesterday but just thinking about the process of it, I didn’t feel so good honestly. And even today, I just let myself cry while writing. I don’t feel better but I have always wanted to write a letter to my dad, where I tell him every horrible and sad thing that has happened to me after he passed away. Anyway, until next time ; Here is a Letter to my dad.

Dear dad…

I never thought I’d find the courage to write a letter to you… I never even got the courage to walk up to your tombstone and talk to you, confide my feelings to you, pour my heart into a cup for you. I think it would make me feel… Something ; Just thinking about it right now I feel like crying, because I miss you and I’d love to be able to talk to you face to face and not talk to the freakin wind. I miss you every day actually. I wake up and wonder why we aren’t together, in each other's arms right about now. But during the month of December I just feel like dying, if you want me to be honest with you… I have felt like dying ever since you passed away. This letter is going to go from sad to sadder, from bad to worse. Buckle up.

Yesterday was your birthday, so happy birthday dad. I didn’t write because, thinking about the words I’d like to put into a letter just for you: I felt like crying, yeah… Again. I am sorry, really.

Being an extra kind of girl, I also thought about buying a piece of cake, a candle and lighting it to celebrate ; It isn’t possible for me to celebrate anything that concerns you because it doesn’t sound right, because what are we celebrating ? I can’t do it and I won’t be able to do so for the longest. Anyways, yesterday the 28th was your birthday. Should I tell you about all the things you missed in your daughter's life ? Again: Buckle up, this isn’t going to be so fun… I will not beat around the bush, I will not sugar coat the different experiences I’ve had to go through.

I was sexually assaulted when I was maybe eight or nine ; You were still alive, but I never dared to tell you or mom what happened. I will not say his name anywhere because yes, I am scared of the repercussions. I was a child, literally, so no I didn’t understand what was happening… But it was sexual assault. I don’t even want to get into details because it is painful and I have cried enough in the past two or three hours already. It was by one of my cousins, that I can find the courage to tell you ; I can’t say who exactly, I just can’t do it. It took me to get to adulthood to… Understand. Isn’t it funny how much in the african community rape is so taboo ? Sex on it’s own is so demonized that, to this day, if you try to convince me to talk to mom about what happened… I wouldn’t be able to do it because in my mind it’s something shameful, it was my fault, it’s sex at the end of the day so it is disgusting, I AM disgusting and I can’t about that to mom. Would I have talked to you about this if you were still alive ? I don’t know, honestly I don’t think so.

Few years later, I was raped by one of my uncles. Yeah, I told you we would get from bad to worse without any transition. Now, I feel disgusted about myself 100% and you will never catch me talking about it to mom, to my brother, to my sister, to any member of the dysfunctional family. Do you want to know how and why that happened ? That is funny and so ironic, I have to tell you about it ! It happened after mom catched me infront of a porn movie, on TV ; I was twelve or thirteen, something like that and I swear to you I didn’t know what sex really was and I wasn’t interested to do anything related to it. I didn’t even have an interest in boys, I hated all of them and middle school boys are so disgusting, pervy and weird… I swear dad, I didn’t find anything attractive in that. But yes, she catched me infront of an erotic movie, without know that the thoughts running around in my mind at that moment were stuff like: “What is this ? What am I watching ? Why are they showing this on TV ? This is weird…?” and you want to know about her reaction ? It’s pretty funny, delightful for me to talk about this. Just as I was changing the channel because of how uncomfortable I was, she beat the living soul out of me. She slapped me so much I thought I was being jumped, and she said that I was “disgusting”, and that I was “worthless” and a “whore”. I am twelve, I was switching channels late at night because I couldn’t sleep and my favorite TV Show wasn’t going to air before five minutes, and unfortunately… I ended up in front of a porn movie. That is actually what… Got me to get raped by an uncle that lived with us. He thought it was my “time to learn for real” and I didn’t know what to say… I didn’t say anything. I accepted my faith for weeks until he finally stopped calling me into his bed at night. I should have told mom ? But… She beat me because of… Sex, that I wasn’t practicing…? She insulted me for something that… I didn’t even understand at the time. I didn’t have anyone to confide to, and I guess unconsciously I believed that what had happened to me was so bad that I couldn’t talk about it to anyone or else they would also call me “sluts”, and “whores”, etc. And you know what’s even more sad ? I didn’t realize that it was rape until I was fifteen… The anger that manifested when I finally realized… Madness.

I was angry about us coming to France and deciding we would live here.

I was angry at God for taking you from me.

I was angry at mom for getting over you so quickly and finding herself a boyfriend a year later.

I was angry at my cousin when I realized what that scene in the bedroom was.

I was angry at my uncle for ruining the way I look at my reflection.

I was angry at mom because she made me feel so volatile/disgusting/stupid.

I was angry at mom because I didn’t feel like I could trust her.

I was angry. I felt let down. I felt disgusted. I felt like every bit of thing I experienced was well deserved because I was a whole whore. I lowkey still feel that way, otherwise I wouldn’t be crying while writing this.

But, before that anger… You died, you passed away and flew to a better place. “A better place.” ; Why wasn’t you in a better place here, with me ? I felt that way during childhood, and still feel that way to this day. “I would have prefered it if I had died with dad.” I said to myself as I looked dramatically outside the window, I was ten… And you know what ? The suicidal thoughts haven’t left me ever since. I have failed my whole life basically and I feel so lonely and unloved I wouldn’t even be able to reassure you about my intrusive thoughts. I don’t think about it every day, but I sure do think about it every week, at least once. During the month of December it’s worse though and hard to manage ; I just hibernate and isolate until I feel like I am able to talk to my friends again. I can’t answer a simple “How are you ?” anymore. I can’t find a way to distract myself because I just end up asking myself why I’m still alive while you aren’t ? Like, you deserved to still be able to walk on this earth… I don’t. I really don’t.

When I was sixteen, I attempted suicide. I wrote a thousand word note to one of my friends telling her how much my life sucked and how I am a fuck up and why I have always wanted to get erased from the face of the earth. I tried, for a whole night I tried but I just couldn’t do it… Next day I became simply… a ghost. I was livid, I seemed gone when I looked into the reflection of my mirror. You realize that I have tried to kill myself…? The only version of me still present in your mind is me as a child ; Innocent, happy and carefree. And now the only thing that races my mind is my own voice telling me that the only way to find happiness would be for me to join you. How sad, right ? I bet you aren’t proud of me right now.

I miss you dad. I miss your presence, calm and soothing, pleasing and safe.

I miss seeing your face in the morning while eating breakfast ; I would have loved to see how you would look while growing old.

I miss your laugh and your voice. I miss both these points because I can’t remember them… How your face distorted when you smiled genuinely ? Can’t remember. The sound of your laugh ? Can’t remember that either. Sometimes I try really hard and concentrate, but nothing.

I miss your warm and loving arms embracing me after you pick me up from school.

I miss our secret, cool, best friends forever handshake.

I miss the reggae music you would play in my bedroom, and how we would just lay on the floor, not exchange a word and just appreciate us, the moment, the music.

I miss watching TV with you while not understanding a word of Dutch but still appreciating your company because I love you.

I miss your cooking, or the way you could spend the whole day doing laundry with content.

I miss you.

I will love you forever, and I will always feel the need to join you wherever you are, to be able to hold your hand again. I hope you live your happiest after life.

Again, happy birthday dad and I love you.

[sweetdulciloquy]

Day three: write, edit and share a story

Soulmates

I have this bad habit. This habit of believing some of my closest friends are my soulmates. I don’t know why, maybe because if I feel like we are meant to be friends they won’t give up on me. Won’t leave me. Won’t stop loving me. Like you did.

Yes, I thought you were one of my soulmates, that it would always be the two of us. It wasn’t and that’s okay. I think I healed..just recently. Because we saw each other again. All this time I was wondering if I was worthy of love, if you ever felt guilty for what happened.

Now I understand, not everything, but that’s okay. I just wanted to forgive you to feel good, I don’t want to live with all this bitterness anymore.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting our meeting to be like that, but it felt good. Maybe you were indeed one of my soulmates or maybe not.

And I have to admit it.. I don’t really remember how it was like; I don’t remember the subjects we talked about, or how many times we laughed in a day, and I don’t even remember your personality.  I just know I loved you just how I would love a sister.

I’m glad I had you at that time even if I don’t remember a lot of it. That’s weird.    I hope you are going to be happy until the day you die. However, I don’t mind not seeing you by my side for every steps, but I sure won’t forget you.

I didn’t know what or who to write about, but it feels good writing about you. A lot of pain I’ve felt was because I have been bitter. So thank you. Thank you for being my friend at this period of my life. Thank you for showing me that forgiveness feels really good.                                                                                 I used to ask for it way too often, I’m sure you remember. I used to say “I’m sorry” way too often without really understanding what is was. Maybe I still do ask way too often for it when I didn’t do anything wrong but I changed. I am sure about it.

Soulmates

I never wrote about you. And I sure know you weren’t my soulmate, and I wasn’t yours. But hell it did hurt. People used to think I was in love with you, and I denied it. I still don’t know what being in love is, so maybe I was. In fact- I don’t care.

I should have forget about you a loooong time ago. I know it. I feel like the one who truely got hurt was my ego. That’s it.                                                             Is it your fault that I don’t trust boys much? That  I don’t trust them at all.

I want to bury the thoughts of you. So FUCK YOU. Yes I was talking about forgiveness just a minute ago; but FUCK YOU.

I hate the fact that you told me I was your bestfriend.

I hate the fact that that day you looked at me like you wanted me to notice you.

I hate the fact that that day you pretended you didn’t saw me. 

I hate the fact that you made me cry in front of an entire class.

I hate the fact you were too sexual about things in front of me.

I hate the fact you showed me how gross I was..or that you thought I was.

I hate the fact you were friends with them.

I hate the fact I wanted to send you a letter when you were already giving up on me.

I hate the fact I still think about you.

I want to forgive myself for the time I am taking to forget. I won’t forgive you for most things, especially for not saying goodbye, and other stuff…

Well, goodbye I guess.

Soulmates

For sure you left without any goodbye. Well it’s not that surprising. I was expecting it. You were special. People called you weird. Well fuck them all.

Yes, I won’t deny it, you definitely weren’t like everybody else and sometimes you could scare me a bit.

But I also know that if I had to name a person I hurt on this earth it would be you. I haven’t been the best friend I could have been to you. That is maybe why I feel like I have a dark shadow in me. Sometimes I let the worst in me get at you. And I’m sorry about it. I really am.

I hope that you are living the best life possible. I guess I will never know. Like I don’t know about those things. Everybody knows you are full of secrets. You are quite a secret yourself. Maybe that’s why sometimes I was so mean you, because how could I fix someone I can’t read. That also is maybe my problem, I want to fix too much, shape people like I want.

It killed me not knowing what happened to you. Nobody knew and nobody ever will. I get so scared for you when I think about it. It triggers me. Maybe nothing happened, but I felt it. I always felt it..the weirdness wasn’t you..it was the aura around you..around them. What did they do to you?

Soulmates

A lot of people were in my life and mattered a lot, then left. If I wrote about each of them I would need to find a title for the book.

It’s weird that for some of them I cried a lot, and now I just feel nostalgie or I don’t know when I think about them.. but surely not hate. I just want to stop waisting time. I’m done with miss/mister overthinking.

[sweetdulciloquy]

Day two: fill a page

As her friend was brushing her hair, she felt her eyes struggling to stay open, the tiggling sensation in the back of her neck forcing them to close. These moments were maybe the only ones when the world shot down; all the bad thoughts fading away.

The little girls used to take every object they found around this tiny bedroom in order to create their little spa session. Nobody knew about it. It wasn’t a secret though, simply something belonging to them.

Sometimes it was make up, the other day it could be brushes or even toys. It was their safe moment. No drama. No fights. No jealousy.

Do moments like these still exist? Or it is part of things that disappear when you grow up?

Now people call this sensation A.S.M.R. It’s funny how everything can get addictive, whether being considered dangerous or not. It feels good so why not doing it as much as we want to? But the more you get used to this sensation, the more you are going to ask and ask for it..until it does'nt do much.

That’s when things get messy.

So..what happened to the two little girls? You already thought about an end of this story, what does it say about you?

Is there something making you feel like you can’t let it go or if that you do you won’t feel good anymore? Something filling the void but slowly creating them inside of you? And why did you let it in in your life?

Loosing track of what you need..really need..

Loosing track of what feels good..or not..

Loosing track of how it was before..

People often fall in those traps, maybe everybody needs a little distraction from the blur of life. Is it better when this distraction is a person or when it is something else?

Songs about love often feel  like songs about addictions. People do get crazy in love I guess. Is it better when it’s passionate? But what is passion?

“Do me do me like that- feel so good hurt me so good make me wanna be bad”.

Does it ruin it for you knowing what happened next? Well, like every moment of childhood it became a memory. Just a memory. They stopped doing these little spa sessions, but they talk about them a few times now and then, secretly wondering if it could happen again.

There are moments in life we would like to recreate again and again, but it might just destroy the magic in them. Maybe every addiction starts like that.

As her friend was brushing her hair, she felt her eyes struggling to stay open, the tiggling sensation in the back of her neck forcing them to close. These moments were maybe the only ones when the world shot down; all the bad thoughts fading away.

[sweetdulciloquy]

Day one: write a love letter

Dear you,

I was going to start this love letter by saying that I am not usually good at love, but its not true. I AM at giving too much to everyone but you. I know it’s not fair. I know you deserve better. I know I can love you. I know that YOU deserve love. Life hasn’t been fair to you. Sometimes it feels like it is too much to handle. I know it. We all do. People will make you feel like you are a side caracter, except for the fact that you are the main caracter of your life. I know you tend to forget that. You give. You keep giving. And THAT is tiring.

Isn’t it funny how I know how to write love letters to everyone else but you. I have been too hard on you, too demanding. But how much do I ask to the others? But you know what they say you accept the love you think you deserve.

Everybody talks about falling in love, like it is the most important form of love out there. Like heartbreaks are not real if they are not about romance. Screw that. You know what heartbreak feels like. I know it. But what I don’t know is why you want to be perfect so badly..or maybe you dont want to be perfect, but just enough. Enough for who? Or what? People won’t see it anyway. Or is it just you who wants to fill a void.

Yesterday, a friend asked if there was a void inside of you. Haha. Who does'nt feel like something is missing?

However…I know you are going to be okay, because it’s you. For real this time. It is going to take a long time. It is going to be hard…BUT worth it. I can give you that.

I’m not saying I’ll stop giving others, I am just going to give more to YOU. You deserve it. Let them be their main caracter. You are not their saviors, you don’t have to be. Nobody asked you to. It’s easier to concentrate onto the others and feel like you matter when you do than focusing on yourself. Are you scared of feeling how much work you would have in order to become the person you want to be?

Feel no fear, you have your whole life to improve yourself. And I am here to help you. Maybe it doesn’t feel like a love letter, but this one I know I will never regret writing it. Especially writing it for YOU.

Now.. I am going to say this.. I LOVE YOU.

I know I don’t really show it, that’s not fair…and I know I don’t love you everyday…but I DO. I do love you. I know it doesn’t  feel like I do when I put so much pressure onto you. Everything feels like pressure when it comes from me. I know it. I hope one day I’ll learn to let go. Well, it feels like I am improving at this. Whatever. I love you even when you make mistakes. I love you even when you cry because you are frustrated. I love you even when you double texts. And I’ll for sure love you when they won’t.

I am the only one that will be there through every steps of this aventure and that’s okay. I know it is something you struggle understanding. Don’t be scared to choose yourself, I know you never do. Or that when you do,you feel guilty, worse. But why? People don’t feel bad when they chose themself over you. That feels right for them.

Maybe I am being rude, but that is my way of saying: it is time you to let go. For real this time. You are going to be a great person. Maybe not the best. Definitely not the worse. You are going to be YOU. I know how much you want to help people, fill their voids, wash away their fears. But never forget yourself. To help you need to be okay.

I don’t know how many times you are going to read this, maybe never. And that’s okay. I need to stop pressuring you to be, to do, to feel, to act like I want you to.

I hope this is going to help you to heal. Heal is a word that makes me feel safe. It is time for me to forgive you, and help you. And I don’t know what people call love, I guess we all have our definition, our ways to show love, our ways to give love. But this is my love letter for YOU.

I know how you want so badly someone to love you like we see in the movies. Everybody around you is starting to know how it feels like, except you. That what you say to yourself. I know it. But I swear one day you will stop praying for love, because I will love you so much that you will feel like your worth it, like you are enough. I know it feels like it is impossible, but look where we are: doing things that we thought we could never do a few years ago. Wow. I am PROUD. I have to admit it.

I know what you are doing…comparing yourself…"I am not improving as much as the others" “or as fast”. Who cares? For real who? You? Great, like I’m not putting enough pressure on you…

..Okay, maybe that was a letter for me…I’m kinda ruining the show..but for once I don’t care. I never make promises. But. I promise that I will love myself, even when I’ll feel like I don’t deserve it. For real. It is time. We only live once (or 7..) so why put so much pressure on ourselves for things so not worth the time. It is going to be okay, in some way. Not the fairytale type of way, but some way. I am trying to believe what I am saying.

Whatever, like I say to everyone: hope you are having a great day or evening. Bon courage!

P.S: I love you

[plumplips]

30 DAYS WRITING CHALLENGE

Write a page in a form of a “flash fiction”, also called “one shot”. You can use 1000 or more words, meaning one page and a half or two.

You can write in whatever language you prefere, as long as you respect the theme and other readers get to understand the story.

There is no need to edit the story, if you post it in tumblr ; But the editing process for your own pleasure when you re read your PDF or Word or OpenOffice (etc) is rather satisfying.

Good luck, remember that missing a day or more is okay ! Writing less than 1000 words is okay to, this challenge is supposed to be fun.

(ps: You don’t have to talk about your personal life, if you want to put a little twist on your stories and make them all fictional you can ! Again: Have fun, enjoy !)

1. Write a love letter.

2. Fille a page.

3. Write and share a story.

4. Journal as a character.

5. Write about an unexpected event.

6. Google “weird stories” and write about the first story that comes up.

7. Write about your favorite celebrity.

8. Write a story about your favorite song.

9. If you could produce a tv show, what would the story be about.

10. Write a road trip story.

11. Write about something that happened to you when you were a child.

12. Write a story for kids.

13. Write a scary story.

14. Write a romantic story.

15. What’s the love recipe.

16. Write a backward story, from the ending to the beginning.

17. Write a poem about someone you love/your crush/someone you’re attracted to.

18. Write a short story in a genre you have never before.

19. Write about 4 problems with social media.

20. Write about your first love/kiss.

21. Your current relationship status, if single discuss that too.

22. Write about your favorite color.

23. Write about your zodiac sign/birth chart, and whether or not it fits you.

24. Write about things you’d say to an ex.

25. Write about your last kiss.

26. Write about a date you’d like to go on.

27. Think about your favorite food, describe it and try to make it sound as disgusting as you can.

28. Tell the story of a man who lives in a motel.

29. Write a sexy story from the undressing to the orgasm.

30. Write and finish a story with “Nothing ever felt easier to say.”

[plumplips]

Day 30 - WRITE AND FINISH A STORY WITH “AND AT THAT MOMENT NOTHING FELT EASIER TO SAY”

She stood up from her seat, making it squeak for a brief second. All eyes turned to her figure, and usually she would feel embarrassed, she didn’t like having all the attention on her, she didn’t like to be looked at so intently but here she was… In a room full of friends, the chatter calming down and having smiles reassuring her. She felt good, she felt loved and tonight, she thought whatever had to be said, she needed to tell them. So, she built up the courage, cleared her throat and nobody would have ever thought she would say all of that. She exhaled, closed her eyes...

“First of all, I want to thank you all for coming tonight. I struggled so much to organize this little party but I thank those who insisted on helping me and got me to finish the decorations so quick this morning. But also thank you, really… Thank you all for taking your time to come, just for my little self. And every single one of you came and that warms my heart so much. Thanks guys.”

And she smiled, putting her palms against her chest. She was completely grateful and happy.

“I have known you for so long now. And I don’t care if it has been five months, a year or even ten and plus years. Those are all so many weeks combined, it is a lot. And through the years, I didn’t think I would get to meet people and keep so many in my life for the longest time and here we are… You are all getting to know each other because of me, you are all linked to me in a way and I am growing thanks to you all. Thanks to any word, any experience I have had with every person that is sitting in this room. You have brought so much into my heart, mind, life. You have taught me again and again what I know today ; What has made me who I am. And so, again I thank you with my whole heart.”

The room went completely silent this time, and even with slight smiles present on people’s faces nobody knew what she was getting at, what she really wanted to say. But they were listening, carefully, with full attention.

“My twenties haven’t been easy at all… I am not the only one that can relate right now. It hasn’t been easy, it’s a constant state of struggle. It is me doubting myself, doubting my surroundings, doubting my present and my future. Even right now I am trembling because… I don’t know if what I want to talk to you about is really needed, important, tonight. But maybe, just maybe it is. Maybe you all need this as much as I do. Because we have grown together, I have grown with each one of you in a different way, for different reasons and on so many levels and I feel like… There is so much to come but we just don’t know about it yet. But because we have each other it feels less pressuring, less difficult, less stressful. That’s why I am always there for you, always there to bring you a little bit of me. Because I know we will be able to get through this road. Rocky road it is, but we are so so strong, so full of love and soul that I am sure you, you, you, me you all there will get to our goals.”

Some smiles were widened again, some were pouting and others were watching with focused eyes.

“Anyway. This isn’t a political speech, heck no. But tonight I got you all to party with me, because I love you all. I gathered you because you have all contributed to my peace and joy. And I hope that I managed to do the same thing to you ? I hope that I got to help you in a way. And I am saying all that… Just to say that I have made it finally. I got to create my own, non-blood related, family. I got to feel happiness for a quick second tonight and— You know for so many years I felt like never belonged anywhere, that I wasn’t loved, that I would always fall behind any human being. But no, I actually made it. I got it. I feel… Good, so damn good. And after years of looking for a sign, I found it— That was a long ass walk through the dark but I finally find my sign. The sign to go on, and everybody in here was involved without even knowing and… I love you with my whole heart.”

Tears were filling up her eyes, but nothing streamed her face. Because she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And it wasn’t only about all these friends she made, it wasn’t just because of love. But she managed to swim through the water and get to each of her goals ; Yes she struggled but how she won tonight. She made it, and she couldn’t contain her joy or love anymore.

As she said, your twenties are the hardest time in your pre adult/adult life. You go through so much, much you aren’t really ready for. Heartbreak, loss, failure ; Then you get the love, but you get pressure and stress coming from one side ; You finally feel like you are ready for whatever, but a traumatic experience comes laying on your shoulders ; You go through it again and again, and people will expect you to get over it, or to just be fine for a sudden. But it doesn’t work like that, it never works like that. And just for that reason, we need people that will understand us, or at least learn how to. Be patient with us, to communicate in a way that will make us feel heard and loved. To touch us with words, and not always with the touch. To grow you need an entourage that will motivate you without you feeling put to the side, or not cared for or put down constantly. Because our twenties are hard, sometimes we just need to be heard.

“I love you. And with my whole being I hope that you will get through, if it’s not already the case. If I could do it, you can do it.”

And at that moment nothing ever felt easier to say.

[plumplips]

DAY 29 - WRITE A SEXY STORY FROM THE UNDRESSING TO THE ORGASM

Laying on the bed, covered head to toe because of the cold that managed to get to the room, the couple just layed there… His fingers playing with the hem of her shirt, and the tip of her nose gliding up and down the side of his neck. Sometimes one of them would shiver, the other would smile proudly, silently they shared words the night would never know about. But I guess the smiles would say it all. It was the love that was keeping them awake, it was the emotions oozing out of her, the senses waking up for him… Mixed together, it created a heating moment. And those kinds of instants between two people who loved each other, was something special and it could feel intrusive for anyone to get in there… But still, the stars peaked through the windows, they shined when they got a glimpse of the scene. His fluffy hair getting out of the covers or her fingers getting tangled in them.

She re-tightened the hold she had on his hair, when his fingers ran up her spine. Her whisper echoed through the night, whisper of content and she needed more of it. If she could, and if she didn’t love his slow movements so much, she would have rushed him to take her already. To rip her clothes off of her and to kiss her all over. But he wanted to memorize every inch of her, with everyone one the senses the human being had ; He started with touch. Caressing her skin while hiding his face into the crook of his neck, inhaling her perfume as slowly but as much as he could, intoxicating himself with it. He even whispered to her ear how good she smelled, and as always she pushed his torso closer to hers. She never said a word, she drank every bit of attention he would give to her.

Small compliments murmured against the lobe, fingers gliding through locks of hair, hands massaging the back with more force than before. He was trying to get her to, literally, fall into his arms and be bewitched by his touch and voice. And, it worked. She was completely hypnotized. He could ask her, tell her, whatever and she would just nod her head in approval. Some kind of sorcery, and the stars were enjoying the film.

Rolling them over, he was now on top. Breathing heavy, pupils darker and filled with lust, fingers attached hard onto her hips. He wanted her, all the way. He needed to hear more of her whispers of approval, the sighs of desire and that smile… The smile of a deep sea mermaid. He couldn’t resist her. Her arms on either side of her head, her braids laid out like medusa’s, her lips parted, her breast going up and down after every breath and… Sin in her eyes. How taunting, like a piece of art you weren't in the right to touch. But he touched.

He touched and even undressed, one piece of clothing after the other. Starting with that white shirt she had on, followed by her panties soon after on the floor. She was completely bare before him and he couldn’t help it but let his voice be heard again. Making her tremble.

“You look so fucking good.” he didn’t even murmur it, but he felt like he was telling her a secret in the way he told her.

His voice was soft, but still harsh, making her clitoris vibrate for a second and the moist appear between her legs.

She couldn’t even say anything before he got down to kiss her. Slow, sensual, sex. That was dripping from his lips to hers and she still needed more of him, her hand in his hair and his fingers stepping down her stomach to her thighs and finally touching between them. Water. Flowing to his fingers and a small cry coming out her mouth. And how he loved it, to see her like this, full of lust and envy. But he didn’t want to just caress her, he wanted to devour her, taste her, drink her up. So, that is what he got to do. Exactly that.

It was like music playing in the room. Moans, begs, groans. He just kept going, touching her trembling button, letting his tongue swim through the waters, gripping her thighs preventing her from moving and just taking all of it ; He wanted her to feel every percentage of pleasure in her. He could feel her muscles tense up under his touch and for a second he didn’t hear her anymore, as if she lost her voice. But then… Just like a mirage her voice rang really quickly:

“I— I’m about to… cum…”

And just like a match striking the light, his tongue flicked one last time on her clitoris and she lit up. She was gone. She whispered his name, she got hold of his hair and she started to grind on his face. That was the “more” she was looking for. That is what she needed. To feel her whole body shake and her sex tingle for a few seconds. But also the kisses, from between her legs to her mouth. And deep down, she wanted him to go again, to get her to feel this all over again.

[plumplips]

Day 28 - TELL THE SYORY OF A MAN WHO LIVES IN A MOTEL

Room 499.

At the end of the hallway, nobody ever went there but everybody knew that he was there. He never left, some saw the first day he entered the hotel but some never had been in front of his face, never got a glimpse of his eyes but they knew… They knew that he existed even though… He didn’t ever make any noise, you would never hear anything, no music, no tv, no feet thumping on the ground,... It was as if he was just a ghost that people imagined. But they knew he was there. He lived there. His presence was palpable from outside the room, from the other side of the door. You could feel him, as you were just passing by… You would know that he was there.

Room 499.

It got adults curious, it got kids curious but nobody got brave enough to knock on the door ; But some went and leaned their heads against the hardwood door, they even closed their eyes trying to concentrate on their senses.

“Don’t move. Close your eyes, calm your breathing and concentrate.”

But it seemed, their senses shut down. They didn’t hear anything, nothing, not one single thing that would guarantee that he was well and alive.

The only thing that confirmed his presence was that energy, the way the atmosphere had thickened all around… And if you were lucky, you would find the “do not disturb” card hanging on the knob. But only if you were lucky enough. That’s how you would know he was there.

“Room 499.

The day he came into the hotel, he wore all black. Black hair ; It looked like he had gone to a hair salon and asked for it to get dyed. Black tinted glasses ; We couldn’t get a good look at the color of his eyes but it felt like he was looking directly at mine. A long black coat ; A leather coat, it was ankle length and slightly opened but because of his turtleneck— Excuse me, black turtleneck, there was nothing to see and try to make out who he was. And his Doc Martens, polished like no other I have ever seen. Cleaned from the front to the back, and from up to down. Nothing had even a mark of dirtiness on it.

At some point, when I handed him his keys I think— I am not sure, but a sly smile crossed his face before he gave his back to me. That is the last time I ever got any sight of him.” she finished, shrugging her shoulders.

Room 499.

He opened the doors of his balcony, and without wasting any time he sat on the floor in a corner while he popped a cigarette between his thin lips. He had a leather bucket hat, tilted to the front and the only thing visible was smoke coming from the balcony. He wore a long sleeved shirt, and a cat was climbing up his shoulder, before it lay like a scarf around his neck. It purred slowly against his ear before it closed its eyes and fell into a deep slumber. The man didn’t even budge, as if used to this, like a routine that got live again and again ever since he got here.

Room 499.

The door was slightly open. A strong smell of perfume got to cross the hallway. It smelled like the Mont-blanc Legend ; A manly, masculine and strong perfume. Intoxicating, spellbinding, charming smell. If anyone had peaked through the split space, they could have seen the silver rings he was wearing shining thanks to the light that the moon brought to his room. Sometimes the metal clapped and it created a little melody. Now, if you could have squinted your eyes you would have noticed he was unbuttoning his shirt, slightly, on the top. His chest was visible, bare and illuminated. What an amazing sight to see.

Room 500.

“Sometimes— I’m not sure, but sometimes I can hear him. He talks, his voice sulky and deep. Bewitching, as if he was almost unrealistic. He wasn’t real. He talked, but to someone… Someone he must have loved, someone he still loves till this day—“

Room 499.

One day, he disappeared. And the only proof we had of his existence was a picture, a photo of a woman on his nightstand. And next to that smiling woman was the mysterious man, smiling… That same smile he had when he came in the first time.

The perfumed finally vanished at some point, but the cat would come looking for him from time to time.

[plumplips]

Day 27 - THINK OF YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, DESCRIBE IT AND TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND AS DISGUSTING AS YOU CAN

“Dinner is ready!” sing-sang the mother, at the top of her lungs.

It was already 8p.m. and her son was ready to run down the stairs to get to his plate. He loved dinner time, everybody at home loved dinner. Because it was absolutely sure that everybody home would be sitting around the table, the mother, the father and the son. They could share their daily adventures, talk about work and school, what they watched on television or with whom they had different conversations ; All that while enjoying some good meal.

The mother, her short locks falling on her lean shoulders, was placing the last plate on the table, and watched with pride the different colors present on the table. It was her turn to cook dinner today, and she decided why not cook her son's favorite plate to make him look forward to eating more and more of what his mother had cooked tonight. And when her husband came to kiss her temple while caressing her lower back and she heard her son running down the stairs, already screaming:

“I know what you cooked mom !!!! Thank you mommy!”

Before she could even respond, he had his arms around her petite waist and snuggling her hip with a wide smile on his face ; She couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction. The father just shook his head but couldn’t help but smile in a mocking manner… He was so excited… About food. Like mother, like son he’d say.

With his little feet, the boy got in front of his food.

Conversation started flowing between his parents, and for the next three minutes they wouldn’t hear a pip from the little man.

He inhaled the smell that was oozing from his plate ; Exaggerating his reactions and movements, he closed his eyes and tilted his head to the back. That famous smile never left his face. It smelled sugary, with a tiny tint of salt, it went from his nostrils to his lungs in no time at all. He took his small fingers and attacked his food, just after he opened his eyes. The sauce, runny, flowing all over his hands and fingers. A red, orangey color and salty taste on the tongue. An acidic aftertaste came up when he was chewing on his much stewed food. He chewed and chewed his jaw moving all around. The tiny mad stuck to some parts of his teeth, but he didn’t care. He kept stuffing everything, one after the other, in his mouth. Between his fingers, now, was stuck a yellow yet partially burned fruit. In his mouth it got mushy, the sugar and the sour mixed together and it became puree, a mix of orange color again… Just like baby food. It opened his appetite even more, and he grabbed a creamy dressing that was laid in front of him. With a spoon, he took not one but two tablespoon of that semi solid sauce to put on his plate. Soaking the juicy, wet, grease coated food in the vinegar sauce. The smell came swiftly under his nose, the white and thick texture dressing stared back at him before it got to paint his whole mouth and throat. The taste of the paste lingered on the tongue, more than the other condiments ; He was gulping down liters of grease again and again.

And when he got to look for more food on his plate, there was nothing left. He cleaned everything off and the parents could notice it on his cheeks. They started laughing at him, and his mother handed him a napkin.

“Can I have more…?” he whispered trying to hide his smile

The mother nodded her head when she calmed her laugh, and took his plate to serve him some more. So here he was again, with a plate full of chicken stew and plantain but he couldn’t help himself picking two spoons of mayonnaise to add to it.

[plumplips]

Day 26 - WRITE ABOUT A DATE YOU’D LIKE TO GO ON

Ok, I actually have several different date ideas so I really have to think this through before I write about it. And knowing myself, I know that after writing about this one I will change opinions again… But as I said, I have so many ideas, there are so many dates that I would like to go on… Let’s just write about one of them.

First of all, in my opinion I am a really romantic woman… I love the concept of love, I love all those lovey dovey things, corny stuff, cute little things that make my heart melt. And some day, I’d like to go from little things, to something phenomenal one day. And something that may be big to me, may be nothing to others. And that’s okay, I guess I haven’t had my share of astonishing experiences with men… It’s true, never have I ever gone to a date where I had to dress like a princess, a movie star or just be extra and where the man would also be extra… Like, we would match and be classy together. I can’t relate when some women talk about having those sorts of dates, can’t relate, never felt that emotion. But, someday… I’d love to.

What would be my ideal date…

We would start with a brunch, with a bunch of different types of plates. Because I am really… Indecisive. I want avocado toasts, I want pancakes with different toppings, I want eggs cooked differently on each plate, I want fruits, I want soul brunch mixed with french brunch mixed with greek brunch, I just want to taste different things and fill up my stomach. And I want it to be in a nice decorated place, with us both dressed nicely but without doing too much— yet. I want us to be comfortable and to eat good. I want us to enjoy the brunch but also each other.

After we are done with our brunch, I would love to go to an aquarium… I know, aquariums are like zoos, and it may sound bad from me to say that I would “love” to go visit animals that aren’t even in their natural habitats… I feel bad. And I don’t know, since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to visit an aquarium ; Not even during a date but still… Animals from the sea fascinate me to this day. And I guess… Shojo, animes have influenced that want. For those who watch shojo’s, do you remember these scenes where the two lovers would go to an aquarium and walk through the hallways and finally after hours of walking with their hands brushing against each other… They finally intertwine their fingers. The scene makes me swoon every time, I want that… Just a cute moment, walking sometimes through silence sometimes talking about what comes to sight. I want that…

After that, he would bring me home to let me lay down a bit before we would get ready for the third part of the date at night. I can already see it.

I would choose a nice dress, and I never wear dresses because… I feel weird about them, I don’t feel like they suit me and my body isn’t my body “goal” so… But on that particular day ? I would definitely wear one. A nice classy dress, but one that still screams “sensuality”, because that’s just how I am. With a nice hairstyle and makeup on ten, face beat like no other day because that night, that day, is special. I would wear jewelry too, something I never do either… I’ll just be extraordinary on that night because I want my man to be like “oh wow…” and also like “I would really take her right here right now” when he gets to see me again.

I would arrive at the meeting place in an uber, I will find myself in front of a dining cruiser, in Paris ; One of those that goes through the “Scène”. Romantic, right ? Or too much ? I don’t care, I want that. He would dress totally different from the other days, but with touches of his personality still visible here and there. And we’d look nice standing and sitting next to each other. And that’s where we would have dinner for the night, seeing the eiffel tower, having soft music playing in the background, the sound of soft chatter surrounding us, and exchanging smiles and kisses sometimes. How I would enjoy that moment… And it is possible I would cry because of the day, and I don’t even care about the reason for an enormous date like this… It means a lot to me. It will touch my heart and it will show me how much love that man has for my person.

Lastly, to end it well… We would take a midnight walk through the streets of Paris, to the hotel. A nice, but not too fancy hotel. Just nice enough to make me melt. And we would enjoy the ending of that day like that, the date would so perfectly. Between conversations there would be loving kisses and hugs exchanged… Between looks, flirty smiles would be exchanged… And with a last caress we would entangle each other with passion.

And you, what is your ideal date you would like to go on one day ?

[plumplips]

Day 25 - WRITE ABOUT YOUR LAST KISS

I had my last kiss on the 28th of October ; It was on a wednesday. The government was already talking about having a confinement because of coronavirus (but I didn’t believe in it, I thought there would only be a lockdown during weekends… If only I knew), so my boyfriend was like “let’s see each other, have a good meal, a great date before there is no possibility to see each other for weeks” and I was totally for it just because I missed him ; We had went to a vacation together and coming back home, living so far from each other… I was really looking forward to seeing him. So here it was, wednesday the 28th walking through Paris to get to my man. Anyway, we get to the restaurant, we chat, we eat, we enjoy each other even more than we had the times before that day. That was so nice though… A date in a italian restaurant ? Yes, yes, yes. It was so great.

After that we went to a donut shop that he found out about when just walking around. The bakery was so cute, decorated in a halloween style. Even the donuts were with the theme. We took one donut each and then we just walked without really having somewhere special to go. Anyway, it was a special but normal day. Special because I got to see him and I am always glad to, and because it’s just… Special time when I am with him. And a great day because he makes days great. Yes, I am corny but it’s okay, you all will be used to it.

We ended up taking seats at a cafe, we just sat there and talked for like… Probably one or two hours, maybe more ? I really don’t know but it was a long time. Just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Ugh, I will miss those moments now that I know I won’t see him for some time, just us not talking about anything really just staring at one another and enjoying the smile on our faces and listening to what the other would say and giving one attention and affection. All that, the whole day was basically just that and I didn’t need much really.

But finally it was time to go, because at that time there wasn’t a lockdown but a curfew at 9p.m. So, I had to leave and I live forty-five minutes from Paris and he didn’t want me to get home too late or to get a forfeit. So, he accompanied me to the first train station I had to get to and… That is where I got my last kiss of the month…

It was quick little kisses on the lips. And I know some people would have preferred a tongue twisting kiss, but I liked those little pecks on the lips because of the way he held me strongly against his chest. It felt hot, nice, and cute and lovable. It wasn’t a goodbye kiss, more like a “Don’t worry, see you in a few” and it’s reassuring and not sad or upsetting. That is all I needed to be honest, because now I don’t feel so… Stressed about the lockdown, on the contrary. I am okay. But back to that kiss, I love small pecks on the lips. I love cute little gestures of love. I love small words whispered against each lips. I love the smile on each face when the pecks get quick. I love when we pull apart, our eyes locked and we say what we want to say to each other without having to open our mouths.

I don’t have much to say about my last kiss, it was simple, refreshing and comforting. And I will hang on that memory until I get to kiss his lips, and face and neck again.

[plumplips]

Day 24 - WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD SAY TO AN EX

Dear ex,

I will never directly send this to you but if, I don’t know how, you get to read this… Then, I just want you to know that I mean every word with my whole heart and that you are a great person and I certainly don’t regret, ever, meeting you.

First of all, I hope you are doing well since the last time we talked. I think it has been a year since our last conversation. I understand how weird it felt, for you to hear from me eight years after our breakup… I even felt bizarre sending you a message, but it felt right to do so. It needed to be done for me to feel a little bit better with myself. I needed to know how you were doing, how you felt, what went through you after the last argument we had, I just felt the need to know. Your first words were hostile, but as I said that time if you didn’t want to reply to me I would have totally understood you ; I felt, through your first message, how angry you seemed to be at me… Totally understandable. I was really… I wasn’t understanding, but we were young and I think we weren’t ready for all that passion firing inside us. I was dealing with my mother (as you knew), but I was also dealing with something else at that time and that fucked me up. That’s not me trying to excuse what I made you go through, not at all… It is me explaining myself because you deserve it at some point. Eight, nine, ten years after I think it’s still important for you to know why and not feel like anything was your fault. But anyway, yes nothing was directly your fault. I was just… Dealing with inner turmoil, I was so down and I didn’t know how to receive and give love back, anymore. That’s why you may have thought that I didn’t love or appreciate you, when I actually did. You were, at that time, just an easy target for me to lash out on. I was young, dumb and I needed therapy… I am being really serious.

Our on and off relationship should have already been an eye opener, we couldn’t be together. Like, being in a relationship was something we shouldn’t have done because we were too… Explosive. You deserved, and still deserve, a woman that would love you with a whole heart ; Someone that hasn’t major traumas and/or someone who was healing. That is something that you deserve because you are actually a nice person, a loving and understanding person. And I am absolutely not saying all this to get back to you, like… Please don’t believe this, because I have managed to get past our relationship ; I have moved on even before it had been eight years since our breakup. I have been in a healing process and I am happy with someone else right now. But I have to say what is true. You were there for me, at least you tried and I was the one who struggled to understand that it was genuine. You tried and you didn’t fail, I just wasn’t ready and mature for what was going on between us.

I would say, you, us, have taught me so much. It has taught me patience, how to mature through the years, it has taught me that I needed help and time for my own self. And even though I haven found the courage to go get help and someone professional to talk to… I found courage to write about me and my problems again, I have found love in writing in general again ; You have been a great eye opener in my life and I thank you for that. Thank you for being you, always, when we met and when we stopped talking. Sorry for not answering your call that particular night you called me… I don’t even know if you remember, but I do because that night I was in… Church and when I got out and checked my missed calls your name came up… It is making me laugh, for an unknown reason, right now… But I guess, it was faith… I wasn’t supposed to answer your call. It was a good decision not only for me, but for you also. We needed to grow apart from each other. For a time, after that, I asked myself what would have happened if we started talking again after your failed call… But you know, not having a clear answer actually was reassuring. I don’t know how to explain it, but anyway it is better that way.

I hope you are doing well these days. I hope you are happy and I am sorry if it made you feel mad, how it ended between us ; I am sorry if it put you in a position where you had trust issues or lost self confidence. I hope that everything feels better now, I hope that mentally you are in a better place and are at peace with yourself and those around you. If you end up reading this one day, I hope you get better in english… Because, man… I am not about to translate this.

I also want to confess something… That time, I don’t know if you remember it… But that time I cried when we were about to get intimate and I told you it was because I didn’t want to get moved away from you if I moved to another place… But it was actually because of my trauma, I started thinking about a dark time and I broke down.. It is not your fault, I just want to tell the truth until the end of this “letter”. And no, I never wanted to get with or fuck your best friend. Because at that time, my traumas were linked to men. So it wasn’t even a fantasy to fuck your friend and you were one of the only man I trusted. I could never have done something like that.

Anyway, I think I have said everything that needed to be said and honestly… If you ever have more questions, I think that you shouldn’t come to me. We have talked once and I think that was it, the last time and that conversation ended well. Let’s keep it that way for our own good. I am sending you all the love I can, all the courage and only positive energy because that is what you deserve. Take care of yourself.

So, dear ex… I had love for you and these are the last words that I will ever have to say to you.

c.b.m - plumplips.

[plumplips]

Day 23 - WRITE ABOUT YOUR ZODIAC SIGN/BIRTH CHART

I will not give up my exact birthday and birth time, but I will talk about everything that I know about my zodiac sign and what I remember about my chart. This should be enjoyable for people who are interested in astrology, charts, zodiac and stuff, but others won’t really get it and if you don’t want to read this it is totally okay to be honest; Anyway, enjoy this guys!

Let’s start the “easy” way… With talking about the sun sign. Everybody, technically, knows what a sun sign is because it is the one we have been seeing for years on horoscopes. You are born between October and November ? Then you are a scorpio, between november and december you are a sagittarius, etc. I am a Taurus, so yes I may be born between April and May… Who knows ? But yes, hey I’m a taurean woman, meaning I am an earth and fixed sign.

The most commonly thing that comes up whenever people talk about the bull sign, on social media it is, they associate us with sensuality, romance, venus, food, laziness, possessiveness ; It is really always the same thing that comes up in the conversation and I have come to find it really… Boring. That was the first reason why I started to look into astrology with a bit more curiosity.

In that case, what I find accurate between my personality and the sun sign that rules my chart is that I am constantly looking for peace and serenity. Being internal or external peace with people surrounding me, that is all that I want. I try to avoid conflict most of the time because… That would mean getting out of character and I don’t want people to perceive in a certain way… So, something else that is true about the bull and myself is how much I care about my image. I care about how others see me, I care about what people think about the way I look inside and outside. But to be honest with you, with growth I have learned how to care a little bit less and to just do me or else I wouldn’t be able to move forward. Most say, taureans are really physical and artistic people and that is how they will get out of frustration, anger, sadness etc is by… Practicing artistic hobbies: paint, draw, play or listen to music, write, or even get close with nature by doing some gardening or practice pottery. These are some of the things that will help the taurus heal. I relate here, because even though I am not the biggest lover of plants, gardening or whatever else, I can’t lie… Nature can, sometimes, be soothing to me, and writing makes me feel better, brings me to another world and gives me a peaceful time.

Something else that I can much relate to, is the fact I like to take my time in what I do. Even though a taurus is a bull, it is said that he needs time, it doesn’t like to be rushed, it doesn’t like to be doing things at the last minute. We aren’t slow or lazy, on the contrary most taureans I know are determined whereas it is in school, in work or else. But the thing is, we get easily flustered, anxious when we have to make plans during the last minute or when we are being rushed when we could have done something while taking our time. I really hate being rushed, it is a stressful and anxious situation. I just feel the need to be secure in what I am or we are doing.

Something else that I like to read about the taurus, because I feel like it talks directly to me is when it is said that we always go through what we said we would do. If I have a plan I don’t change it, I don’t delete it and that is how I get what I want. In work it is, when I have a goal my vision is blurred on the sides and I don’t look away. Taurus women and men are determined. We have dreams and we never stop until we get to those dreams. People say we are lazy just because we take our time and because we get comfortable when we are doing our things.

Something that is, unfortunately, true is… I have a hard time letting go of my routine, because it makes me feel secure and that is also why I hate the rush, I don’t really like unplanned things. Because it disturbs my mind and my routine. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like trying new things, on the contrary ! I love trying new activities, new food, new fashion styles, new style of writings because I am curious about myself and what surrounds me.

These are some things that I relate to, when talking only about my sun sign and astrology.

If you really want to know about my big tree, I am a taurus sun with a scorpio moon and a libra ascendant… I actually like this trio, it goes well together because taurus/scorpio and taurus/libra are always a great duo ; Scorpio and Libra work well in my chart because it brings even more sensuality, curiosity, knowledge and even more.

I like my chart, personally I see so many different points that are true to myself and I think my chart can also be… Meh, sometimes. And that is totally normal. People think that astrology is a belief and that it is linked to horoscopes/clairvoyance, when it is just a bunch of mathematical facts about you, me.

[plumplips]

Day 22 - WRITE ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR

Let’s talk about my favorite color: Red.

I don’t care about the shade of red, I like all the red that could come to your mind when I tell you that it is my favorite color. It has always been my favorite color ; There are still so many colors that I like for sure, but it is the only bright one that really gets my attention. I don’t know why, but it’s the color that I have been liking ever since I was a child. Seeing red colored clothes, red colored braids and wigs, red lipstick, and whatever else. I just love the red palet.

While looking for the meaning of the color, I found out that it was the first one used in prehistoric art. And that the Egyptians and Mayas used to color their faces in red during ceremonies, but that one is not really something that I learned today. But still, it fascinates me and I guess… It is a color that could symbolize power, sacred, heart… But it is also the color of blood, and so I’ve learned that for some, when you ask them to tell you what the color reminds them of they will answer: sacrifice and danger. It is fascinating to me how we all think about different things to associate to this color when we’re asked about it. I may be thinking about courage while you will be thinking about murder.

I also learned that depending on the continents, the color could mean something different. In Europe, the color red is associated with passion, sexuality, love, joy but also anger. Whereas in Asia the color red symbolizes happiness and good fortune. Literally two different worlds in my opinion, but that is really interesting.

What do you associate with the color red ?

Me, first it makes me think about love. But not any type of loving, the one with a partner. It is a passionate love and love making. It’s the heat going from your toes to your head. It’s the type of love that is all over the place but still sane. It is an intrusive emotion but it makes you feel euphoric from all the happiness.

At the same time I associate the color with courage, being able to fight through the darkness. The red is the light at the end of the tunnel. It is bright and it keeps you going forward. Your heart is red like courage, the blood circulating through your veins is because of courage. I love that my mind can get me to think that way.

Red is also a color that gets your attention. Your eyes are automatically attracted to that color, wherever you see it. But of course it can get me to think about danger, about sin.

Now that I am talking about it, I think that I get why it’s my favorite color to this day. Maybe…

Maybe I like this color this much precisely because it is a whirlwind of color palette, a whirlwind of associated emotions, significations,... Red is not just one happy thing, it is so much and I am a person that is passionate like that ; I consider myself to be a whole bunch of different things, colors with a handful of passion. I love it. And at the same time I am just like red, someone that gets you going, that keeps you on your toes, that gives you a liter of passion and love.

The fact that I call myself a nymphea, with my favorite color as red and being a Venus ruled woman… Isn’t that ironic ? Isn’t that like a sign the world has been trying to throw at my head ? I love it, because it feels like everything is connected in some way and that is really interesting in my opinion.

Anyway, that was me talking to you about my favorite color. What is your favorite color ?

[plumplips]

Day 21 - WRITE ABOUT YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS

It’s “the writer talks about her personal life” time… Yes, again. For someone who doesn’t like to talk about her love life, or her life in general actually, this challenge got me to open up a lot. I feel like it got me to tell more about myself, even things my friends never knew about. And I don’t mind, I thought I would but it’s actually okay, because I would never force myself to say or do anything that would make me feel uneasy. And right now, knowing that I will be talking to you all about my relationship status and a little bit about how I have been dealing with love in the past until today… Doesn’t make me feel stressed or anything so let’s just do this.

Let’s start by the beginning, because the title will make you ask me THE question and… Yes, I am currently in a relationship and it has been a total of four months since we got together. I love it. Do I love him ? I do.

I did a relationship purge for eight years, yes really a total of eight years without getting into a relationship. Why ? Well, I had been in my first ever relationship when I was fifteen and in high school. And… I had never felt wanted in such an innocent way before, I don’t know how to explain it… It was something light, fun, pure but… It still got me scared to be really honest with you. I didn’t know what it felt like to be totally appreciated by someone, and even less by a man. To be touched without any weird back thoughts. To be flirted with without any bad intentions. HE was pure and I was traumatized because of my past. But let’s be clear we had both issues, like I said I was traumatized but to this day I think that he was too but in a different way. Jealousy comes, in my opinion, from a place in the past that got you traumatized and in the present it gets you to doubt yourself, to lack self confidence, to doubt yourself and the person that is in a relationship with you. And those traumas clash and at the end it clashes. It lasted seven months or something like that. And we were just teenagers, what did we really know about love and healing ? Nothing much.

Not going to lie, the end of the first relationship or the end of a strong bonded relationship… It breaks you in a way. It will mark you, mentally or physically. You will cry or you won’t be able to. You will suffer loudly or internally and silently. Everyone has a way to deal with breakups. The way I dealt with it was: work. I went to school and worked, I got deeper into social media in search of new bonds, I started writing even more than I did before and I isolated myself in a way. That wasn’t the best decision on my part… But I just wanted to be alone.

Work. Work. Work. That’s all I did.

And then I got my diploma and I started going on dates again, but never did I end up meeting guys that were interested in anything else than my body. And even when they weren’t only interested in my physic, the vibe just didn’t feel right. And when it wasn’t that, I was just attached because of the attention that men would give me. I didn’t want sex, or love from them I just wanted the friendship with a sprinkle of flirty comments, with affection and all the attention on me because… I was just scared to end up all alone. That happened quite a lot of times before… Before I got to know my boyfriend.

It has been four months now. I wouldn’t say pure months of happiness, because I don’t know what happiness is like but joy ? I know joy and that is how I feel whenever we’re together. I don’t need him to be sitting right next to me to feel appreciated or loved or to feel… Good and safe. He is just amazing and I didn’t get attached to him just for the sake of the attention and affection he has been giving me since we started flirting but because he just is the way he is. Amazing. He makes me want to trust him in a way that I wouldn’t trust others, and when talking about some parts of my past I don’t regret telling him. When he touches me I don’t feel nervous, stressed ; I don’t get stoic when it gets physical between us (and for some personal reasons that is something that really matters to me). I love the way he looks at me even if I keep telling him to “stop looking at me”, I love his eyes. I love his deep voice when he talks about a possible us in the future. I love his perfume and his hands on my lower back when I am hugging him. I love everything about him.

I keep thinking that he was the one gift that I have been looking for, for these years. He is the magic that lacked my nymphea self. He is the water in which I can swim without being scared to drown deeper in. Of course the road gets rough sometimes, but that is totally normal in any relationship with a partner. Wouldn’t it be scary if I told you that EVERYTHING was going well, absolutely great ? And when I talk about a rough path I don’t mean traumatic stuff like cheating, physical or mental abuse, or anything like that I mean having some moments of misunderstanding, being different so working towards something that would get you both to work nice together. And, I don’t mind trying with him. I don’t care how many years it will last, I just want it to last until I can’t breathe anymore to be honest.

[plumplips]

Day 20 - WRITE ABOUT YOUR FIRST LOVE/FIRST KISS

Hey, it’s me again. So, yes it is about to be a true and boring story about… Me, the writer.

And tonight we will be talking about our first loves or kisses and I decided I would be talking about my first kiss. Why my first kiss and not my first love ? Well, it is a funny and interesting story, in my opinion it will get some people to shake their heads in disbelief or even laugh in chock. Anyway, let’s just get right into it. Grab yourself a snack, something to drink and put on some music that reminds you of the early 2000’s…

Because that’s when that story takes place. 2003, I was maybe six or seven years old when that happened. And during that time I lived only with my mother in Essen (in Germany). We lived in an apartment, and in that same building is where I got to make some friends and my mother too. But we knew them for some years now to be honest, so there were some times where we would just get up in their apartment to meet up and talk, play all together, or even have dinner and stuff like that. We were really close.

So, the woman had two children (and during that time I was the only child), one girl that was a bit older than me and a boy that was my age. And that particular day I remember clearly:

We were playing around, just dumb stuff like tag… Yes in the house. You know, kids take stupid decisions and playing tag in a apartment where you can easily break everything instead of just asking to play in the backyard… It seemed like a good idea in our tiny children's minds. But anyway, after playing tag, we started playing… Hide and seek. Each of us got to play the one who seeks for the others and at one point it was the big sisters turn to count and then look for us.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6…

We could hear her counting backwards while we both looked for some place to hide. Finally we decided to hide together in the place: the cupboard. We thought that she would never think about us hiding at the same place and not even in the cupboard because it was a mess and nobody wanted to hide there. So… we hid there.

I remember it being dark in there, our palms on our lips to keep quiet and not laugh when we would see her passing by the doors again and again.

And at some point we got really quiet and I remember we both turned our heads towards each other. I also remember hearing both our inhaling and exhaling and suddenly we were… Kissing ? Our faces got really close until the tips of our noses could touch and we kissed, just like that… I wouldn’t be able to explain to you why we did that. There were little tiny kisses on the lips and, for whatever reason, one of us opened their mouth… Curiosity I guess. But before it could escalate the sister opened the doors suddenly and we jumped apart.

But the thing is… It didn’t end there, neither did it end like that the same night.

I don’t remember why but we got into his bed and took the covers to hide under them until there was no possibility to see our feet or head. And… There we kissed again but it escalated really quickly and… That’s how I learned what french kissing was. My vision of that memory is so clear it sometimes makes me laugh as much as it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if he remembers or if he had decided to erase that weird moment from his mind ; I wouldn’t blame him to be honest, if I could forget about that it would be so cool ! But I still remember that time as clearly as my brain allows me to…

So that is the story of my first kiss ever.