Sappy Bitch

Cas- 18- she/they- questioning- witch bitch- insta:@pocky-raven- dm for chatting

[kroseteaches]

Today, on this fateful day in sex ed, I have to teach 25 9th graders how to put condoms on wooden dicks without losing my composure. Wish me luck lmao

[kroseteaches]

Now to find a way to discreetly transport this entire drawer to the other side of the building...

[kroseteaches]

Today went well overall. Lots of great conversations took place alongside some... very silly ones lmao.

Here are some highlights from this morning’s lesson:

Me: *removes the wooden dicks from my bag and slaps them on the table*

Students collectively: o_O

That one student: nice

—

Me: *demonstrating how to put on a condom*

Also me: *puts it on wrong the first time, even though I practiced twice beforehand* So everyone, here we see what not to do. Let’s try that again

—

Me: *finished demonstration, holding a sheathed wooden dick* so what questions do we have about condoms before I unleash you all to practice on the models?

Student: *raises hand* yeah, I’m wondering how you’re feeling about your life choices up until this point?

Me: o-o

—

Student 1: *raises hand* miss, why are the condoms so... slimy?

Me: thats lubricant, it helps get rid of friction that might cause discomfort during intercourse.

Student 2: *raises hand* can you use lube on a slip and slide?

Me: *genuinely considering the possibility*

—

*during a conversation about excuses people have heard for not wearing condoms*

Student 1: I had a guy tell me he was too big to fit in a condom

Me: *opens a condom, puts entire forearm inside and pulls it up to my elbow* here’s why that’s not true

Student 2: I once saw a video of somebody that put an entire watermelon in a condom before, so unless that dude’s got a watermelon shlong, that’s cap.

Me: *slowly losing composure behind my mask* you have the right idea, but let’s refrain from using the word ‘shlong’ in class, please.

—

Me: what are some ideas of things we can say to people who try to pressure you into having unprotected sex?

Student 1: tell them you don’t want their penis cooties!!

Student 2: penis cooties? Pretty sure that’s just herpes

Me, internally: like... you’re not wrong

—

Me: alright everyone, time to return the wooden models up front. Remove the condoms by firmly grasping the base of the model and sliding it off. Don’t forget to throw it away please!

Student 1: FIRMLY GRASP IT

Student 2: idk if I can return it now, miss. I’ve become attached to mine(the wooden dick)

Student 3: yeah, most men are

Me: *trying to keep a straight face*

—

Student 1: miss, why are the wooden dicks so shiny when you take the condom off

Me: oh, that’s just the lubricant from the condom.

Student 2: so you know you put the condom on right if your dick is shiny after?

Student 3: yeah! If your dick is shiny, you’re doing it right

Me: *trying to keep my composure pt. 36716159* uh, yeah that’s not necessarily the case. You see, these models are wooden. Penises are not.

Student 3: then why is it called morning wood?

Me: *internally self destructs*

—

Me: *casually wiping off the lube from wooden dicks w/ a paper towel before returning them to my bag* so what questions do we have about the use of contraception?

Student: miss can you please not make eye contact with us while you do that?

[a-bitchtm]

IM CACKILING

[isa-ghost]

I LOVE TEACHERBLR

[cina-full-moon-xanadium]

When I’m finally able to travel to this realm

[cina-full-moon-xanadium]

you people will reblog anything

[sensiblereblogifposts]

Reblog if you have made it to this realm, and will reblog anything

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Decorator Crabs are multiple species of crabs who use corals, sponges, urchins, anemones, sea fans, and other marine organisms as self-decoration. This (glamorous) camouflage allows them to blend in with their environments and avoid predators.

(Lesser known fact, it also gives them the self-confidence to pursue their dream careers as professional salsa dancers.)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Even better, they use tiny bristled hooks to attach marine life to their bodies– that’s right, these majestic bastards come with built-in velcro!

And that’s not all! some of these dapper fucks have learned to use camouflage as weaponry, draping themselves in glamorous green boas toxic foul-tasting seaweeds, or arming themselves with stylish anemones, urchins and even jellyfish that give predators a nasty ZAP! Some species have even figured out how to hunt this way.

in conclusion, this delightful little dandy is wearing a sea sponge as a sombrero!

[gururveonyargi]

just in case:

🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿

[valtsv]

where are my museum gift shop memes

[valtsv]

i have to do everything myself around here don’t i

[detectivehole]

"i want to talk about my interests" in lying to you. i'd never know what to say. what i want is for you to, like, just get it

[detectivehole]

i want to blurt out random information at illogical moments

[detectivehole]

i want to live text my experience

[zoeychuanart]

I love how Howl and Sophie’s relationship developed, it started from him being the charming prince, seemingly perfect, until she gradually finding out the inner side of him, fragile and lonely and afraid, and then she came to his rescue.

See more of my art on Patreon / Twitter / Instagram

[bimbogollum]

Damn

[f-identity]

[Image description:

Cropped image of medieval-stylized printed text, focused on a line which reads: “This wenche thikke”

/end image description]

[bimbogollum]

Thank you for adding this image description! Just wanted to clarify that it’s not stylised, but actual Middle English. The text is from The Canterbury Tales.

[kiralamouse]

Okay, had to track it down. It’s from the Reeve’s Tale, and it’s a description of a 20yo young woman:

This wenche thikke and wel y-growen was, With camuse nose and yën greye as glas; With buttokes brode and brestes rounde and hye, But right fair was hir heer, I wol nat lye.

In modern English (had to look up “camuse”, so that’s as good as my source, but I know the rest)

This wench was thick and well-grown With a pug nose and eyes grey as glass; With buttocks broad and breasts round and high, But right fair was her hair, I will not lie.

The fact that Chaucer had “big butt” and “I will not lie” within two lines of each other is causing me disproportionate amusement. Also the fact that “this wenche thikke” works equally well in Middle English and in modern slang.

[phillypu]

nice to know people have always been fokin hornby for thikke wenches

[pocky-raven]

Torn between two jokes so have both:

1. This wenche thikke (YEET)

2. I lyke buttokes brode and I wol not lye

[memewhore]

[official-mugi]

This is probably the most inclusive post ever made on Tumblr

[tikkety-tok]

This is what Rasputin would've wanted.

[teaboot]

I feel like I'm being seduced like one of those fancy rainforest birds

[fruitpilled]

is it working

[teaboot]

Yes

[magnuspool]

[deathbutwithfuzzyanimals]

I can’t tell if this is gender envy or vibe envy but I envy this man

[inseriousneedofatherapist]

Ah, fine literature.

[slowlyshytheorist]

My good people, I give you: Amatonormativity.

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

Transcript (with spaces added for accessibility):

“You and this perfect person, who you’ve never met before, to come out of nowhere, fit into your life perfectly, complete you, and make you whole for the first time in your life, like your mother did for me.”

And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, the way it manifested to my seven-year-old self is, “If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole.”

And that’s not just something that my dad made me feel, that’s something that we as a society for the last 40 years has made every single child feel. Every Disney prince has a princess, every princess has a prince, and every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn’t want to be in a relationship. They’re happy with who they are. But guess what, by the end of the series? They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, the fucking idiot!

It’s all to do with love. Everyone needs someone. And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love, when you’ve raised them for 18 fucking years, when you become an adult for the first time in your late teens and early 20’s, we’re so terrified.

We’re so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw, and force them into our jigsaws anyway. I’m going to force this fucking person into our lives because it’s much better to have something than nothing.

Then five years later, you’re stood looking at this jigsaw you don’t recognize, being like, “Ah! There’s a fucking cunt in the middle of this!” And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself. Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste? Do I waste the rest of my life?

My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that they give up the one that they’re currently living. We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than they are with the person they are with. The worst thing you can do with your life is to spend it with the wrong human being.

[three-blogs-in-a-trenchcoat]

I would like to point out that this is a fucking stand up special, and it’s said to have broken off hundreds of relationships. It’s also very funny in addition to being very insightful, it’s Daniel Sloss’s Jigsaw, it’s on Netflix.

[ceies]

“AH There’s a fucking cunt in the middle of this” I’m crying 🤣🤣

[stimman4000]

[karetahana]

@kibumkim

[kibumkim]

[pocky-raven]

Gotta love the Midwest

[maculategiraffe]

me, reaching into my dresser drawer for black pants: I hope this isn’t the pair with big holes worn in the inner thighs

Marie Kondo, gently over my shoulder: why is a pair of pants you find unwearable still in your dresser drawer

me: oh shit that’s right!! The dresser is for clothes that under some circumstance I might conceivably wear!!

Marie Kondo, beaming proudly: Yes, that’s correct!! These pants must have been your favorites. How wonderful that they were so comfortable and practical that you wore them out. But now since they no longer function as pants, you should move them from the drawer where you keep your functioning pants!

me: Yes thanks I got it they’re in the fabric basket now

Marie Kondo, fading back into the darkness: I love what you’ve done with the kitchen!!

[cwicseolfor]

The notion of KonMari as some creepy semi-embodied but entirely benevolent spirit, like a well-intentioned Bloody Mary, is so perfect and wonderful.

[essoreese]

Marie Kondo has the same powers but the exact opposite energy of the Duolingo Owl.

[strangelyregular]

YES.

Marie Kondo: Your room isn’t very clean, but that’s okay, I love mess! Does this spark joy?

Duolingo Owl: I wrote the ransom note in Spanish, and if you have to use Google Translate to read it, your kid gets it. You broke your streak. I’ll break your neck.

[ace-pervert]

Marie Kondo holding your child, while standing on the remains of the Duolingo Owl : The Bird did not spark joy

[kingdowager]

I found this cute cartoony maker picrew!! Here’s the link

tw for blood, knives, syringes, and other halloween-related horror things

@waiting4thedoctor @gayfirebender @meteorjam @whyareyouevenhereimuseless @ilovemosss

[thatoneaceumbrella]

Thanks for the tag! @pocky-raven​ @drlilac​ @ anyone else who wants to do this!

[pocky-raven]

This was actually super fun!

I have no one to tag lmao

[viktorthepsychic]

If I see ANY negativity regarding Elliot’s identity you will be blocked. It’s that simple. I don’t care if you’re sad because we “lost a lesbian icon” or whatever dumb excuse you have. He’s not dead. He’s a person who’s not hiding himself anymore and we should be congratulating him.

[pocky-raven]

Torn between wanting to be a pirate on the wild seas, a classic lit and history dual major in the library of an old prestigious college, or a witch in the middle of the woods who goes to the roof and draws the birds and nearby lake while singing songs in Latin.