Polyamours Problems

In no way is this blog to hate on being poly, I adore being poly! Some of the posts are honest frustrations, some are silly and playful. Also apparently an advice blog too

[danceryoongi]

polyamory is not: - the same as polygamy - made up - limited to three people dating - an excuse to cheat - at all like cheating

[stateofdismay]

people have lots of reasons that polyamory won’t work but so far the biggest issue we have is that when one of us says “babe” the other two both look over

[polytivity]

This is the cutest problem I have ever read.

[polyamoursproblems]

Having so many crushes that you’re in a constant tornado of emotions, desperate looking for a break from the feels but still enjoying how so many people can make your heart soar

[polyamoursproblems]

thank you for responding, been a tough couple days, I'm the last anonymous poster. I've been trying to figure out how approach her about breaking up, I'm no longer happy in a poly relationship and it's breaking my heart, cause I love her.

I know that some people strongly believe that you need to do it like a bandaid; do it quick and fast and get it over with without drawing out the pain of it. There are also some people who say to give it tons of consideration then do it slowly, for both of your benefits, start with a break apart then make it “”official”” after a little while. I can’t say what’s best for you, only you can make that choice. 

That said, I would start with sitting her down for a talk about it. If your mind is made up, then be straightforward with her. Tell her you’re unhappy, despite loving her you need more than just your love and commitment to make a relationship work. Tell her what she did that made you decide this, that your trust was destroyed when she willfully and consentingly broke your boundaries, more than a few of them, and really ripped into your trust. 

Honestly, the only you thing can do is be truthful and blunt. Don’t be cruel, but don’t sit there and let her tear you apart either or try to guilt you into changing your mind. 

I’m a huge advocate for talking things out, talking to each other, talking to all parties involved. Regardless of your decision, be honest to her/them and to yourself. You deserve a relationship you can be happy with, and so does she. She did it wrong, she definitely went about it all very very wrong. But if she’s doing the things she’s doing, she’s not happy either. Love is fantastic, having love and being in love is great, but it’s not enough to make a relationship work regardless of the amount of people or love involved. You need trust and respect, too. It seems like she’s lacking those, right now. 

[polyamoursproblems]

I'm in a poly relationship and most of the boundaries I've set with my partner she's broken with her secondary. She recently got drunk and told me plain and simple that they have stopped using protection and she wants to make him her primary.

Mistakes happen and people do dumb things that they later regret, that’s a part of life and some people might never make a mistake while some might make several before they get it together. 

That being said, this doesn’t sound like the same as simply making a few mistakes that they need to work on. This is a blatant betrayal of your boundaries, trust, and relationship. 

Having boundaries is important, and no one is perfect so sometimes, yeah, honestly, someone might make a mistake and cross those lines. But this really, in my opinion, seems more than that. 

I don’t want to say for anyone to break up, that’s a personal decision only you could make. However, personally, when the line is not only crossed but completely destroyed, and they make it clear they don’t want the same relationship (albeit drunkly) and they no longer care about your concerns (specifically with the not using protection part)- I would call it off and move on to better pastures. 

It would be one thing if you wanted to make a triad, where you would all three be each other’s primary/in a relationship together- but that’s not what it sounds like you’re interested in, either. 

To me, unless she’s prepared to fix things properly, with you and her secondary, and not disrespect your boundaries, I would consider breaking up with her. 

With any decision, you really need to get the three of you together and talk about everything, lay it all out on the table, explain how you feel and what is and isn’t acceptable to you and to them, and explain the only way you’ll stay in the relationship, too. Don’t be an iron rod and refuse to compromise, but don’t make yourself miserable or settle for something unacceptable either. 

[polyamoursproblems]

I'm developing feelings for my metamour and I'm pretty sure she feels the same, however, my primary isn't comfortable with the idea of a triad and I don't know what to do???

You don’t have to make it a triad, however you definitely need to make sure it’s all okay with your primary. You could have it like a V where you’re the bottom of the V and each of them are separate. However, if they’re not alright with “sharing” you emotionally, and it’s supposed to only be physical, you need to all three sit down and talk about it until you reach a comfortable spot for all of you. 

[polyamoursproblems]

My two best friends are together. I am in love with them both. I recently told him how I feel. He seemed to share my feelings. However, she is straight (I'm female) and wouldn't be into a poly relationship either way. HELP!!

Have you told her how you feel, too? Sometimes people are straight until they actually start to consider other options, or she might be up for trying it out and seeing if it’s for her (like she thinks she’s straight because it’s the “”correct thing to do”” until she actually tries it and finds out differently for herself). I would say to talk to her as well, get all of the feelings out and make sure you explain that in no way are you trying to “steal” him from her or any such thing. 

[polyamoursproblems]

Hi! I'm the anon that you recently answered. I talked to my boyfriend and he said go for it! Since it is my first time acting on my polyamory he wants me to ask this guy on a date and see how it goes and if this is what I want :) !! I'm so happy. Thank you! Now i just need to ask that guy out : )

I’m so super happy to hear that! Congrats and good luck ♥

[polyamoursproblems]

So I've recently told my bf that I still like this other guy who I'm pretty sure still has a thing for me. And when I told my bf he didn't really give me an answer and hasn't mentioned it at all. He isn't polyamorous but iam and I told him before we started dating that im poly. I wanna talk to him about this properly and even ask if he would be okay if I asked this other guy out on a date, how should I approach this?

Well, it seems to me like he might feel uncomfortable or threatened at the idea, as many people do when they first are told by a poly partner that they like someone else too. Maybe he’s simply unsure of where to go from here, and how things will change or go with the two of you. 

Communication is always the best thing with any relationship, especially ones like this. When one partner is poly and the other isn’t, it’s easy for feelings to be hurt or confused, it’s easy to have misunderstandings or unfounded fears. 

The best thing to do is to talk to him again, openly and directly. Tell him how you feel about him, how that won’t change regardless of who you are with, and that it isn’t about him not being enough or anything like that, that you still care exactly the same you always have for him. Reassure him that isn’t going to change. 

Then let him know how you feel about this other guy, and what you’re interested in doing with the other guy. See what he’s okay with, too. He might be okay with casual dates and hand holding and kissing, but not sex. Or he might be okay with sex but nothing on a deeper level. You won’t know until you ask, and he won’t know what you’re thinking or feeling or want to do until you tell him. Try to be understanding and patient, but don’t force yourself to suffer either. Be gentle but don’t just let it get brushed off. Get out what you want and need him to know, then if he needs time to think about it, let him have some time. I wouldn’t say longer than a week, personally, but whatever feels like enough time to you. 

[polyamoursproblems]

My girlfriend of over a year has recently come clean to me that she's poly and needs someone else besides me to fill a empty space she feels inside her. I don't know how to exactly process this or how to feel...I've never imagined my life being with someone else who dates other people but I also don't want to lose the love of my life...what do I do..?

The main thing to keep in mind is she isn’t trying to replace you and it’s not that you aren’t “enough” for her. Poly people don’t love their partners any less just because they want to date another person as well as their partners. It’s not a dirty secret or a gross hidden lie, it’s just who they are. Some poly people never need to date multiple people, but most do. 

What you need to do is consider this: Would you rather end the relationship with her, one you sound like you’re quite invested in and happy with. Or would you be willing to let her branch out and date other people, regardless of how you seen your relationship going a year ago? It’s a choice only you can make, as only you know what you’re willing to try or what is too uncomfortable to you. 

I would suggest you give it a shot. Decide together what exactly she wants to be doing, and what you’re comfortable with her doing. Worst comes to worst, you break up. But either way, that seems to be the road you might be headed to at this rate. Either you break up with her because you can’t accept her being poly, or she breaks up with you because she can’t stifle herself in a monogamous relationship any more. 

So yeah, I would say to give it a chance, let her date, maybe consider dating other people yourself, set your boundaries and what you’re both comfortable with, and go from there. You might enjoy it or find it doesn’t change anything at all. Or you might confirm it’s not for you, and you two go your separate ways. There’s no real way to know until you do it. 

[polyamoursproblems]

So I've been in a relationship with my Gf for over a year now, and she knows I'm poly, but I've slowly started developing feelings for her friend and I wouldn't want to make anything wired but I feel like my feelings will only get stronger, and I told my Gf this before it got worse and she was upset and said she's need time to think of having an open relationship, I love her and I don't want to make her upset, but I also want to explore more of me being ploy. Since its so new to me.

It’s always difficult for a partner to actually face the idea of their partner dating someone else as well as them, in theory they feel alright with it but in practice they feel uneasy. There’s no one way to go about it, especially when it’s someone you both know and have some form of friendship or relationship with. I personally feel giving your partner time would be the best idea, let her get her mind wrapped around the idea that it’s not just words, it’s actions you’ll be doing. Polyamours dating can be sensitive, partners sometimes just need a little time to adjust. 

However, don’t waste your life waiting forever, either. It’s a consensual compromise between all parties involved in the relationship, not just you giving something up or them. It might even be a good idea to consider some casual dating with a different person, rather than your girlfriend’s friend. You can’t manifest emotions for new people or shut off ones you have already, but you could try casual dating someone neither of you are close to, so she can get a feel for you dating someone else at the same time, and give more thought to how you both would go about if you were to get involved with her friend. 

Relationships aren’t a one-way-street. Everyone in the relationship must communicate and work together to hep the relationship and help build each other up.

[polyamoursproblems]

So I'm dating this guy and I'm poly but hes not. I still rather like this other guy who I want to smooch and ruffle his hair but im not sure how to bring it up to my boyfriend and ask if it's alright with him. Do you have any suggestions?

The best thing is to be upfront with him. It’s always important to assure the people you’re interested that you’re not trying to replace them and you’re not bored with them, you just have love and interest in more than one partner. 

There’s no easy way to hop into it, you just sit your partner down and explain how you feel, how you love them still and aren’t tired of them or anything. 

Be ready in case he feels put-off, or confused or upset. Sometimes people react negatively at first, because they don’t understand what’s going on or what it means to them. Some people need time to process it and understand it all, and their place in the relationship. Many come around with communication, conversation, and consideration. It’s very important!

Personally, I would bring up being poly before mentioning any specific person you might be interested in. It might be easier to take it in stride and take it slow, if that makes sense. If he already knows you’re poly, then bring up the guy and your interest in him. Find out what he’s comfortable with you doing, then find out what the other guy is comfortable with, too. Make sure everyone is consenting and knows what’s going on! Communication, honest and open communication, is key!

[polyamoursproblems]

me and my boyfriend want a girlfriend to join us in a relationship so we'd all be dating each other any tips? and what would us be called

It would be called a triad :D

As for tips, the hardest part for couples and for single women looking to join a couple is concerns about being on the “same level” as the “base” or “original” couple. Some women are unsure if they’ll be treated equally with the established couple, and some are actually really interested in joining couples but fearful they’ll be cast to the side when the couple’s done (such as if the couple was simply spicing up the relationship they already had, rather than dating a new person for a totally new relationship overall). It’s a valid fear, the only thing you can do is assure them that isn’t the case and follow up your words with matching actions. 

Also, I’ve seen some people call single women “unicorns” and that’s really offensive to many women. They’re treated as “exotic” or such, like an object rather than an equal participant in the relationship. Again, assurances and actions are the only things I can suggest there. These are totally valid fears and you’ll no doubt encounter many situations where the concerns and fears crop up. Be patient, don’t get discouraged, and have fun :)

[polyamoursproblems]

When you want to hold all your dates’ hands but you only have the two to do it and have to rotate 

[polyamoursproblems]

I want to be in a polyamorous relationship one day but I don't know where to start... Any advice?

Unfortunately, the only advice I can give is advice for any relationship. You need to start dating, getting out there, on sites or in person, and find dates. Just be honest and open with them that you’re poly and will have more than one partner! Make sure all partners are “in the know” and everything, try not to be too hard or serious on yourself, and have fun! It’s romance and love we’re talking about, maybe sex, idk to each their own, it’s serious but it should be fun too :D

[polyamoursproblems]

My "wife" wants to be poly with another woman. i assume this means she wants a divorce at this point, but she refuses to acknowledge it. Isn't being poly about not being married? Am I really a rapist for asking for a divorce?

I don’t entirely understand or definitely don’t approve of your use of “r*pist” in this situation, but that’s another point. 

Let me hop right to it:

Polyamours doesn’t mean you are or aren’t married, it just means you’re with more than one person in some romantic or sexual way. That being said, I’m sure it would surprise you to know that many poly people are currently married or in long term, committed relationships with a “main” partner. Some poly people only wish to date socially outside of this “prime partnership”, some have sex, some have full loving, caring, healthy relationships together. 

It’s up to you and your wife to decide where that line is, if she wants to date and have a steady relationship with another woman, or if she’s only interested in casual sex, or something else entirely. There is no right or wrong with being poly, so long as all people involved are aware of everything and are consenting to it. 

Your wife doesn’t want a divorce, ifs he did then she either would have said it at the start or when you directly asked about it. You can be married and poly, I personally am married to someone I love greatly, and I have several partners (we both do) who we love and have healthy, happy relationships with. 

HOWEVER! As i Said, all partners involved MUST be okay with the arrangements, including you. A poly person doesn’t love their partners any mroe or less than another one, your wife isn’t “shopping around” or trying to cheat or leave you. But if you’re still not comfortable with it, you must talk to her about it, honestly and openly. Try to keep an open mind and remember she loves you regardless, and keep her feelings and your own in mind! 

[polyamoursproblems]

How does one find a partner

Not to sound sarcastic or anything but this is THE question on everyone’s mind! I don’t have the answers, not officially or anything, just my personal thoughts on the matter.

Because of the social stigma of having more than one partner, many people deny themselves, react negatively, or simply don’t under stand when the subject is brought up. Some people think polyamoury = polygamy (it doesn’t) and they can’t wrap their minds around the difference or the idea at all of having more than one partner. 

That being said, the only way to find a partner is like any other way, really. Hit and miss, take a chance and ask someone if they’re free to date and go from there. 

I always tell them from the start that I have a partner and that we’re poly, so there’s no surprises for them later. Some people do freak out, but usually most people recently are pretty chill with it (at least, once you explain it’s a mutually consented thing with you and your partner(s) and you’re not cheating). Unfortunately, many will end things there, the polyamours lifestyle isn’t for everyone! 

Another concern is if someone thinks you’re just out for threesomes or something, that can make finding a partner hard if you already have one. 

All I can say is communicate as much as possible, be as open as possible, keep yourself safe and comfortable and keep others’ safety and comfort in mind too. 

Okcupid has recently added “open relationship” to their labels too, that is a good way to find people. They had “non-monogamous” already, too.

 Fetlife can be alright but it’s VERY nsfw, I’m talking nudity in ads and people’s profiles EVERYWHERE so, be careful there. 

I’ve had other accounts on other dating sites, most will terminate your account if they find out you’re married or have a serious partner, others will refer you to another site for “affairs” which isn’t what we’re looking for.