How to build a Polycule

This started out as a cathartic, personal blog documenting my frustrations after coming out as polyamorous and is now my internal monologue, my thought process as I try to understand the complex matrix of love, sexuality and gender-identity that make up our relationships. Rather than define and judge, I seek to understand and to help others understand.

[polymomo]

Siblings

My husband found a new best friend and it's my boyfriend's brother and it's fucking adorable. You get a new appreciation for someone when you their siblings, people they've known forever but as equals. It's a special little window into someone's soul.

[polymomo]

For better or for worse

Lots of things keep happening all at the same time. I was just thinking how I'm glad I'm starting to feel like I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally because I need to be the rock right now. My husband just lost his mom whom he was very close to. He's taking it better than I imagined, but I'd occasionally a wreck. I always know when he's having a bad day if I hear him listening to classic rock (the who, Bowie, that kinda stuff). My boyfriend has been traveling for work and generally neglecting his mental health which is bad because he has anxiety, probably ADHD, OCD and I think even a little manic depressive. He's changing roles at work and stressing hard about how he's going to screw it all up. So I've got these two guys who are both struggling and I'm here having to calm one down and comfort the other. Telling one we'll make popcorn and cuddle while going through paperwork for the other (I know all about living trusts for real). I've had my own issues with mental health that I've just now started to figure out. I've never done much with it because I always thought it's not that bad, I shouldn't try to blame my shitty personality traits on my brain when other people have real problems, but then I realized you go to the doctor for strep throat the same as you do for cancer. Just because it's not life threatening right now doesn't make it less important. I even ended up recommending my doctor to my boyfriend. Seriously, if you need help go to a psych and not a general practitioner. Every doctor is great at their own thing, but a psych better understands what meds to give, whether to give them, etc. My guy is open about relationships and not confirmative such things so he's pretty awesome. So I'm just coping with all that and got a Facebook message out of the blue from my friend's sisters husband. I've never met him but she suggested we be friends because he likes craft beer. I asked how they were doing and got "well... We divorced actually" which sucks because I thought they were pretty good together. The number of times I've said that is disheartening and part of the reason I hate marriage. The burden it puts on you to be perfect is demanding. But anywho... We were chatting and you know when someone randomly messages you and you're thinking "I've got no problem chatting with you, I like you, but this came from somewhere... Where did it come from" and finally I see "I know you've got a man but I had to tell you I've had an internet crush on you since my ex introduced us." Oh here we go...😜 Without making a 100 page post, he's a nice guy from what I can tell and I don't fault him for saying something to me even though he thought I was taken. I think people should be honest and I appreciate that. I told him the truth, I'm polyamorous (which I had I explain a bit) but life has been busy and I'm not much for dating, but I'll always take a friend and then if something happens we go from there. He's a nice guy, I could maybe see dating him, for me it's more wondering what if it becomes a thing? How will this change my general life dynamic? How will my monogamous husband feel? How will my polyamorous boyfriend feel? Do I even have time to entertain this? Do I even want to consider dating someone who didn't know what poly was until I told him an hour ago? Is the potential for a new relationship worth the potential for stress and complication? When I say let's just be friends and see, does anyone really ever buy that? Stay tuned... Shit is about to get real

[polymomo]

I bought new curtains

I returned to a hacked account following a bunch of accounts I don’t know, got that cleaned up and here we are. As you can see by my post history, I bought a house and then went completely off the grid because life is fucking horrible sometimes. We bought the house, immediately took a trip, came back to a complete disaster (moving sucks if you didn’t know) and every time I would get things almost under control some random shit would break. Air conditioner, fridge, water heater, frozen pipes, incorrectly wired thermostat, car got dented in a hit and run in the alley, garage door broke and garage got robbed, old cat decided to pee on everything and then...my mother-in-law passed away. I’ve been filing paperwork for her sons for two months now and I’m just exhausted. I had multiple nervous breakdowns and ended up going on an anti-anxiety med that will hopefully calm me down long enough for my brain to rest and fix itself so I can get back to normal.

However, I will say the house is doing great now. I think anything that can break has broken and (knowing I’ll jinx myself) I think we’re out of the woods. Definitely can recommend buying a multi-unit building for a poly life. Both of my partners have a master suite with en suite bathroom so neither feels like the other has more. I also got a really good deal on some sweet silk curtains made from recycled sari fabric so the entire main floor living room is draped in layers of silk. Pulling up layers lets more light through, it gets this ridiculously cool effect. I got them on sale and now I want more but I don’t want to pay full price so I’m gonna think about it and then spend too much money on curtains. I consider it my payment for doing all that fucking paperwork and having to call all those stupid credit card companies.

I spend most of the rest of my time trying to figure out how to get more beds crammed into the house so I can have more guests visit and cleaning the stupid couch cushions because of the old cat that pees on everything when she gets constipated. We also have to watch over little dog. Little dog belonged to Mom and needed a place to live. She thinks my other dogs are cool and that those weird tiny dogs (cats) are fun to bark at so we let her stay with us. 

So what I’m saying I guess is that life really fucking sucks sometimes but you eventually get through it and find cool curtains.

Here’s a link to the curtains if you wanna check them out. Seriously, get 2 - 3 and layer them for instant boho glory: https://www.mexicaliblues.com/collections/textiles/products/recycled-silk-panel-curtain?variant=7074027077695

[polymomo]

Graceland

Listening to Spotify on my way to work when a Paul Simon song and I wondered, if people were better at relationships would we be worse at writing songs? With less tragedy would we have less art? Or would we need less art, less beauty to be born from the pain, if we didn't have as much pain to cure? Much like economy is the beauty that supports our society born on the backs of the less fortunate? Those tortured and tragic souls that make the most beautiful music, paint the most beautiful paintings, if we could cure their pain at the expense of the beauty they create, would we do it?

[jorethinnkeeper]

New Blog Post: How Impact Bias Affects Polyamory, Poly n00bs, And Couples Wanting To "Open Up"

Couples wanting to “open up” their relationship for the first time (besides being impossible, because you can’t just “open” an existing relationship and expect it to be exactly the same as before just with more people, you actually end up creating whole new relationships) often spend a great deal of time fantasizing and worrying about hypothetical future relationships with people they haven’t met and have created in their minds, who they make up to be either their greatest fantasies or their biggest fears. Then these couples go about looking for these hypothetical, mythical people. They simultaneously seek for some magical goddess (because it’s usually a bi cis woman) that will fit their giant laundry list of qualifications, while seeing monsters peeking out from behind the eyes of everyone who doesn’t fit that list. What they’re doing is overestimating the happiness that they expect to find with their mythical pet and overestimating the UNhappiness that they expect to find if their new pet doesn’t meet all their criteria. This is called Impact Bias. “The impact bias is our tendency to overestimate our emotional reaction to future events. Research shows that most of the time we don’t feel as bad as we expect to when things go wrong. Similarly we usually don’t get quite the high we expect when things go right for us.” - Jeremy Dean www.spring.org.uk/2008/05/why-youre-sucker-for-impact-bias.php In other words, people are notoriously bad at predicting what will make them happy. (paraphrase of Franklin Veaux) Impact Bias does several things, two of which are particularly relevant to polyamory: 1) When predicting how an experience will impact us emotionally, things we haven’t experienced yet are REALLY difficult to accurately predict and we usually get it wrong. 2) We have our own “theories” based on our culture and our cultural experiences, and those “theories” are often wrong. What all this means is that couples, if they want to find success in polyamory, need to be aware of Impact Bias in a similar way that they are told to be aware of NRE. They don’t actually know what will make them happy, even though they feel really strongly that they do. They are likely basing those predictions on cultural assumptions. But those cultural assumptions come from our monogamous culture, which means that they don’t apply to poly relationships. Trying to apply mononormative assumptions over poly relationships tends to make them fail because they, fundamentally, run contrary to those very mononormative assumptions. Their background, past experiences, and cultural exposure are all conspiring against them to give them bad information when they make their predictions. Predictions made on faulty premises usually come out wrong. When everyone in the forums is saying “stop focusing on a single bi woman to love you both equally in a live-in triad” and “all those rules aren’t going to help you ‘protect your relationship’, just let go and trust”, and the couples are feeling upset and defensive because hey! they’ve thought all this out and they know how they feel and what they want! … no, you probably don’t. I mean, yes, you probably do feel all that fear and hope and desire, but it probably doesn’t reflect reality. Everyone falls victim for Impact Bias, just like everyone falls for all the other cognitive biases. They’re what our brains do. The advice for NRE is to feel what you feel, but keep in the back of your mind that it’s a temporary state and likely an illusion so don’t make any *real world plans* based on NRE because NRE is lying to you. Fiction can be a fun experience, even a meaningful, profound experience, but at the end of the day, it’s still a fiction. The same goes for this Impact Bias - feel your feelings, just know that they’re probably lying to you so don’t actually make plans based on them. You are probably overly optimistic about how happy you will feel if you find some magical unicorn with perfect boobs and a penchant for childcare, and you are very likely overestimating how terrible things will be if you try dating someone who doesn’t meet all your criteria, like someone who is only interested in one of you or who maybe has a penis or doesn’t want children. So just relax, acknowledge your fears and your fantasies but let them go and just meet people. Dating someone a little different from all your rules probably won’t be as bad as you think it will, and searching for The Perfect Match probably won’t bring you as much happiness as you think it will - at least not enough to be worth the price of dehumanizing all your interviewees and missing out on other potential sources of happiness.

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[polymomo]

If I see one more post about unicorns

I swear I'm going to go off on someone. I avoid commenting because I don't want to be a bitch but Jesus Christ people. Each individual person needs a connection with each person that is independent of anyone else's connection with them! If my relationship with someone I LOVE is dependent on someone else also loving them then it isn't actually LOVE... That's just a side piece. If I have to dump someone I literally love because you decided you don't love that person, then I don't actually love them very much do I?

[polymomo]

Housing

Contract signed, inspection this weekend. A 2 flat will be perfect (until someone else gets another live in partner... Then we'll finish the basement I guess). If I didn't have access to the world's most abundant supply of reasonably priced multi unit buildings I really don't know what we'd do to give everyone their space and privacy while remaining so close together.

For those with a live in polycule, how does your housing situation work?

[polymomo]

Updates on Life as Me

Reading back through the original posts I made when I was struggling to come to terms with things, shouting angry at the top of my lungs and generally using tumblr as a sounding board to bitch and complain, I feel like I should now post occasional updates just because if I didn’t you might things are all poop but really it’s sometimes poop and oftentimes rainbows. 

A lot of my anger comes from me. I’ve got a super short temper and have a weird propensity for having complete empathy and understanding of any situation I’m not involved in while completely failing to keep my cool when I AM involved. I absolutely know this and have actually made some pretty big strides in trying to avoid getting too angry and learning to walk away and cool down when I do. Something I believe is very true is that you are who you are and while some things about you will always be true, how you act and react can change the impact of those things. i.e., I have a short fuse and always will, but when I see that I’m getting angry I can remove myself from the situation until I calm down and can discuss the situation rationally.

That being said, I apologize if anything I’ve posted before sounded super bitter and pissy. I was venting. I’ll do that some. I’m over it.

Anyway, my husband and I are in a much better place. I personally am in a much better place. I had a really horrible job for a while that was piling on this ridiculous amount of unnecessary stress, I had two cats die within two months of each other (one I’d had for 17 years, the other 18) and throw the difficulty of just being polyamorous, having a monogamous spouse who took the whole thing very poorly and in-laws who took it even more poorly...I was just in a super ugly place for a while. 

I got a new kitty. I had promised my husband that I would institute a no-replacement policy on the cats to get the total down to something more reasonable (I had 4), but you can’t just lose two cats and not get a new one. The new one is similar to the two I lost, like if those two could have had a kitten together, it would be the new cat. Also, she LOVES my husband. You can constantly find him picking her up and snuggling her like a baby.

I have a new job. I took the experience I got at the former job that drove me batty and used it to get a new position at a wonderful company I’ve worked at previously. I absolutely loved working here before and I’m stoked to be back. It has the potential for travel which excited me a little, but scared the boys...but then all was ok when I secured a long-term, local project. I should get to start on it soon and hopefully it’ll be super awesome. Fortunately even if the project isn’t perfect, I’m not a contractor any more so I have real insurance and paid vacation and my company provides awesome free training classes and amazing opportunities. 

We’re also looking at houses. The metro area where we live happens to have an abundance of reasonably priced multi-unit buildings. It will give us the chance to move out of the suburbs and into the city, making my commute MUCH shorter and giving easy access to awesome food and entertainment options. We’re being a little picky to make sure we get something that fits everyone needs without leaving us house poor, but hopefully we’ll find something in the next few weeks! My husband is a little scared of “living with” my boyfriend, but they’ll have their own apartments and it’s a pretty good economic investment. The apartments are very rentable should we decide to move, and it’s much more affordable to split the units across than for each of them to purchase a home. It’s still a nice, green suburbanesque area, but in walking distance to trains to take us into the city.

Hopefully soon we’ll get moved and I can get things organized and feel like I can finally breathe.

[polymomo]

Marriage (and why I’m not a big fan)

I am married, but I really don’t like the idea of marriage. It puts a lot of pressure on a single point in your life, and this one relationship to make you happy forever. Some people are fortunate enough to find that and I am always happy to see a couple that’s been together for 60 years, but I also think that kind of pressure can be why some relationships fail. When a relationship isn’t perfect every day and people get divorced because they think it needs to be perfect.

I hate that little girls watch these awful shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” and they see these women spending $30k on JUST a dress. My entire wedding was under $10k and I think the dress cost $120 and honestly, that was too much. Society put so much pressure on them. The only way you’ll be happy is if you spend $100k on a huge party while everyone you know watches you agree to love someone else forever and ever and if you ever don’t love them any more that means someone failed and you have to start all over again!

Even just watching Disney movies where there is a princess who is swept off her feet by a handsome prince and they ride off into the sunset. Basically every movie, TV show, book or story that kids see growing up is about one man and one woman falling in love and living happily ever after. 

Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, I think that’s just too much pressure. It’s got an added layer of complication when you’re polyamorous because now one partner has an official title that’s recognized by the government and the other person is just your boyfriend. It doesn’t carry the same weight in society.

“Can my girlfriend come too?”

I have a friend who once told me after breaking up with his boyfriend that sometimes people are the right person for you at a certain time in your life, but aren’t meant to be with you forever. I think that can be very true. I know multiple people, including myself, who were in relationships that have since ended, good relationships that benefitted one or both people, relationships that ended because those people changed in some way. As much as my ex made me want to stab him with a butter knife, I’m glad I dated him. I grew as a person because of that relationship. Here’s the kicker, we were engaged. 

After you get married all of a sudden it goes from “I broke up with my boyfriend” to “My husband and I got divorced.” After one, your girlfriends take you out to get wine drunk and talk about how you don’t need no man to be happy! After the other you’re a statistic that needs to hire a lawyer. 

After you get married you’re expected to save the relationship at all costs.  If I had gotten married, I might not have broken up with him. In fact he’s the one who broke up with me. I wanted to save it, but he, for all his faults, realized it shouldn’t be saved and I thank him for that. It’s important to know that some relationships just need to end, but as a society a lot of us get married before we’re really ready and for the wrong reasons and the second we’re married everyone tells us we have to save the marriage at all costs.

My husband’s brother got married, went into 10s of thousands of dollars in debt and was divorced within a year. Multiple people cautioned him that he should wait but he was getting older and had been dating her for a while and that’s what you do. The wedding wasn’t the culmination of their love, it was the culmination of societal pressure on him to propose and her to have the perfect white wedding. Now he’s engaged again because his girlfriend got pregnant. I was actually just invited to spend a weekend with a friend of mine at a once in a lifetime event, but it’s the same weekend as this wedding (which obviously isn’t a once-in-a-lifetime event...) and I’m having a really hard time telling myself that I should go to the wedding. I care about my brother-in-law, but he’s only getting married because society says he should marry the mother of his child. I’m expected to miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because my brother-in-law’s girlfriend refused to go on the pill because she didn’t want to get fat.

I know, I’m kind of a selfish bitch sometimes...but my point still stands. This guy now has a fiance who has never had a fancy white wedding so she of course wants one. It probably won’t be as expensive as the last one, but he’s just now getting himself out of debt and it’s going to happen again. If you’re really marrying someone because you love them, why do you need an expensive ring and an expensive party?

I’m not saying “don’t get married.” There are legal benefits and and social benefits, I get that. Especially given that not everything works out, if you have children or leave a career to be a stay-at-home parent or spouse, it’s good to have some forced legal protections should your spouse up and leave you or pass away suddenly. When you’re married and your spouse passes away, you’re the beneficiary. You get life insurance and assets all without much of a legal battle.

I’ve personally chosen to live my life in a way that I’m protected. No, I’m not some man-hating crazy-woman. I read something in a college philosophy class about a “feminist” who thought that all men were inherently evil and that all women who get married should hide money so that when they are inevitably left by their evil man that they’ll have a safety net. That’s some crazy, sexist bullshit right there and if that’s her attitude I bet everyone she marries does end up leaving her...who wants to be married to someone who thinks they’re inherently evil? 

No, I don’t think all men are evil...but I do think that shit happens. I think that people feel like when you date someone for so long that you get married, so they get married. I think that even if they love each other at that moment, that sometimes it lasts but sometimes people change. I think that life is crazy and the world is crazy and there’s so much stuff going on at any point in time that it’s impossible to say what the world will hold for us next week, let alone in ten or twenty years. I choose the path of independence. I ensure that I am happy with myself and can take care of myself financially and emotionally so that if something unexpected happens that I’m not left in the cold. That doesn’t mean squirreling money away because I expect my husband to leave me, it means having the ability to support myself if I need to. It’s the difference between having an emergency kit with some bandaids and bottled water and building a bomb shelter filled with tin foil and bowie knives. 

<Updated to include a better gif #priorities>

I guess when I think about the legal protections it’s not so much that I’m against marriage in itself, I’m against the pressures put on people by society when they get married. There’s a big difference. Marriage also has this whole religious connotation that I don’t like even though the religious ceremony and the legal document are different things. They have the same name so people get confused. They say same-sex marriages are wrong because their god doesn’t like gay people. Ok fine, then they won’t get married under your god but they can still apply for the government license that provides the spouse protections under the law. Calling that system “marriage” confuses people. Preconceived notions of “marriage” by that specific term also end up preventing a lot of variations. Ideally I think marriage as a legal entity would go away and be replaced by a series of contracts that allow for unique contingencies and riders. You could still have a basic contract available at the courthouse that mimics the current standard marriage which would allow those people who can’t afford lawyers to draw up a contract the ability to get the basic one for free. But why not? Why not call it a social partnership contract where we agree that if one of us dies, the other one gets our stuff? We can declare in that contract if we are monogamous or polyamorous and potentially allow for amendments if additional long-term partnerships are formed? We can bake terms for a partnership ending into the contract (divorce) and if the partnership doesn’t end according to the rules, we go to court but if everyone is agreeable, we simply amend the contract. Then if you want to go to your church of choice and get married and have a ceremony, you can still do that, but the rules of that religion should have no basis on your legal contract between two or more people.

So get married, be happy, but be smart and be prepared. Don’t get married because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Don’t get married because you want to have a wedding or because you want a bigger ring than your friend. Get married because you love someone. Get married for legal protection if something happens to that person. Get married because it’s what you really should do, not because everyone else tells you it’s what you should do.

[supergirlstormy]

[polymomo]

For the Mono who doesn’t get it but wants to

I commented on a post the other day in a facebook group and it got some pretty good comments so I thought I’d clean it up and bring it in here. It was in regards to a post from a mono person who seems to be demi-sexual (can only enjoy sex if there is a very strong emotional connection between her and the other person). Since she sees sex as being so emotional, she doesn’t understand how her partner could desire to have sex with someone other than her, it makes her feel like his claim that he loves her isn’t as real. This is a slightly cleaned up version of my reply to her.

Note: At one point I attempt to differentiate between people who are sexually monogamous and those who are romantically monogamous. I use the term “Monoamorous” to refer to people who are romantically interested in one person at a time. Like polyamorous’(”any loves”, monoamorous means “one love.”

All Relationships are on a Spectrum

Here's how I try to explain it, coming from experience with my mono husband. Some people are mono, some people are poly, some people are in between. It's similar to the spectrum of sexuality or gender identity. Some people fall clearly on one end or the other, some people are kind of in the middle. I start with that because I want to say that there is nothing wrong with being one or the other and that some people feel very strongly that they are one or the other.

The Concept of Soulmates

The first really key thing to consider is the concept of soulmates. Maybe you believe there is that one perfect person out there for you (that feeling makes poly kind of difficult to grasp). You mentioned it could get kind of stale over 40 years <she stated that logically speaking, only being with one person for 40 years could get stale and polyamory would help with that>, but I think for most people that's not really the issue. I don't want to date someone else because I'm getting bored with my husband, I just fell in love with someone. Let's say my husband and I are soulmates and we believe there is only one soulmate for every person. Logically, what are the odds I find that one person out of billions? What if I do meet that person and he dies? Am i doomed to roam the earth lonely forever? Oh wait, I met someone new! Well, is this guy my soulmate or was the last one? Or maybe it's possible that there are multiple people in the world with whom I could have a meaningful relationship. 

The Switch in your Brain

Now pretend there's a switch in your brain. If it's on, you are on the lookout for new partners. If it's off, you're not really interested in anyone new. The switch can turn on and off for a number of reasons. For mono people it turns off when they've found a partner. I only need one, I've now got one, I'm done looking. For poly people, that switch doesn't flip off just because they are with a partner so when they meet another person who they feel a connection, they notice it. If your switch is off, you don't. Doesn't mean it never switches off for poly people. If my husband passed away suddenly, I might be so distraught that even though I'm available, that my switch flips off until I'm done grieving. After I’m done grieving it flips back on, but that doesn’t mean I no longer love my deceased partner. The status of the switch isn't reflective of your feelings for a partner, it's reflective of how your brain is wired. 

Romantic Feelings vs Sexual Attraction

You brought up sex right? There are some people who can enjoy anonymous sex with no connection. Some people require the strong emotional connection you describe, that's considered demisexual. Some people are in the middle (like I said, everything is a spectrum). When someone is polyamorous, that doesn't describe what kind of sex they enjoy, it describes the number of simultaneous romantic bonds they can form. The idea behind polyamory is that one bond isn't more important, they're different but the same <though some could be different, some could be more casual relationships and connections>. I have a friend who is demisexual and polyamorous. Sexually she can only be with someone who she has a very strong emotional bond with, but she can form multiple bonds at the same time. You also have some people who don't need an emotional bond to enjoy sex, but who can only form an emotional bond with one person. They might be in a non-monogamous, monoamorous relationship where they can have sex just for fun, but at the end of the day only love one person at a time. There's a ton of different combinations and they key is to realize that maybe you are monoamorous and demisexual, but those two things are independent of each other (meaning that maybe you are both of those things, but just because someone is demisexual doesn't mean they also have to be mono and vice versa). For a poly person, they can form multiple bonds, so your partner forming a bond with someone else is independent of the bond formed with you. Your partner enjoying sex with someone else isn't reflective of his bond with you whereas if YOU as a mono/demi person fell in love with someone else, that might be reflective of your currently relationship.

I think in addition to what I posted, it’s also important to keep in mind that people change or come to new realizations about themselves. People start out in life thinking they are monoamorous and realize they are polyamorous. They think they are straight, and then realize they are bisexual or gay. Some think maybe they could be polyamorous but then realize that’s not true, ot that they are polyamorous but aren’t able to handle their jealousy in a polyamorous relationship. People change in many other ways too. They grow older, they mature, they learn about life and about themselves. Sometimes relationships grow apart or no longer work through no fault of any member. The more honest we are with ourselves and our partners about who we are and what we need in life, and the more open we are to new experiences, the more we accept “I love you” at face value rather than constantly seeing excuses for why we think those words are a lie, the happier we’ll all be...but that happiness is contingent on knowing what we want and what we need and going for that. If a relationship truly no longer fulfills those needs, no one is to blame if that relationship ends.

[polymomo]

Is it just me...

...or does anyone else get totally skeezed out hearing something like “a couple is interested in dating her”? Like OK, I guess that couple is now an autonomous unit that doesn’t have individual feelings, only the feelings of the collective? Like once you become a couple you turn into the Borg from Star Trek? You saw what happened with Seven of Nine, we know this isn’t going to go well.

[polymomo]

Keeping Things Quiet

People have different ideas about what is appropriate to share with others and what should remain private. I know some people who put everything that happens in their lives on Facebook, others who don’t go out of their way but don’t care, and others who actively avoid sharing personal details. When polyamory gets involved, it gets even more tricky. 

There are a number of reasons to be open about being poly or to keep it quiet and often members of a polycule don’t agree on everything. Some people just have nothing to worry about or want to increase awareness and fight the good fight. Others just want to live their lives quietly without making everything a big thing which can be difficult when one or more members it polyamorous.

Being completely open means people might judge you negatively; relationships can be severed for it. As wrong as that is, it can hurt and be complex. It seems easy to say “If that person doesn’t love you for you, then they’re not worth your time” but in reality it can really hurt. When your conservative mother has given everything to raise you well and care for you, it’s not easy to turn around and tell her something that will make her feel like you’ve wronged her. When you live in a small town and someone finds out and the gossip mill starts to churn, even if you don’t care what they think that doesn’t make it fun to hear people whispering behind your back while you’re at the grocery store. Sometimes it’s not a fun fight to fight. If you have children involved it can be even more complex as then you need to determine how it will affect them. People have faced legal battles as custody of their children is challenged based on the idea that polyamory is immoral.

For me, I’m very open but sometimes I just don’t want to mess with it. I’ve told mostly everyone who is important and my boyfriend is invited to all family functions but sometimes I’m out and about and see someone I know who knows I’m married but I’m with my boyfriend. I know if I introduce him as my boyfriend I’ll have to deal with the questions. “Oh I thought you were married, did you get divorced? You’re CHEATING on him?!? What do you mean ‘polyamorous’?” It’s going to be a big thing and you’re not always in the mood for that. As proud as I am of who I am, I also don’t want to be a big deal. I’m not polyamorous because I want to be, it’s just who I am. I also know some people will think I’m just trying to get attention, particularly if I make a big deal about it. It’s hard to decide when to say something when you really don’t want to be in the spotlight, but the only way to avoid it is to hide who you are. I pick and choose when I'm ok being in the spotlight. I’m fortunate that it doesn’t have more of a negative effect than it does. I also had to deal with my husband being generally shy about these things. He likes the spotlight even less than I do and he’s mono. He’s ok with people being poly, but would really rather not mess with it. He’s being forced to fight a fight that he’d prefer not to be in which can be really rough. 

Think about it like this, a couple is married and has a nice quiet life but one of them decides to run for public office. Sometimes a spouse might be really excited about this new thing that makes their spouse happy and ready to tackle the inherent challenges, but sometimes those challenges are kind of scary and it can be difficult, if not impossible, to live that kind of life. It doesn’t make one person better or worse, but both sides need to consider the other’s feelings. Sometimes people just have different ideas about how they want to live. It doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, but to be happy together they’ll need to work through those issues.

It’s impossible to say what will make one couple or polycule happy, it’s something that everyone needs to work on. I think it’s important to consider reality (Is this fear real? Could it have a true negative impact like losing a job?) and actual impact (Is it really important to tell my mother when she lives 2000 miles away and rarely visits?). Also, not everyone has to be 100% out. Being out doesn't mean getting a billboard stating your relationship style...it just means not hiding things. 

I personally work towards being as open as possible for two reasons. 1) People find out stuff eventually and 2) one day I want it to not be a big deal. I’m fortunate that my family and friends are open and non-judgmental, I have no children to be impacted and my job is a non-issue. I have the luxury of being able to tell pretty much everyone with little impact on my life so I feel like I have a duty to those people who will be impacted to help lessen the blow. If I can help normalize polyamory, someone in the future may feel less alienated. I also know that people talk. I grew up in a small town and I know if one person finds out, everyone finds out. Hiding things only makes it worse because it makes it appear that you’re doing something wrong. I hope that all of you can be open and honest about who you are and who your partner(s) are, but I also understand if you’re not to that point yet. I encourage everyone who can to be open for them so that one day, they can join you and that one day more people will realize their polyamory sooner than later to make their lives easier. 

Edit: As a general rule I don’t think hiding something like this from everyone will be particularly successful. It delays the inevitable because people WILL find out. Taking it slowly is one thing, hiding it from specific people (like a judgmental family member) might solve your problem...but if you try to hide it from everyone, someone will find out eventually. I’m mostly advocating the idea that someone might have a valid fear or concern and that it should be addressed. It’s also different if you live in a large city or a small town, it depends on the types of relationships people have and exactly who is involved. I highly recommend that if you are involved in a polyamorous relationship (whether you’re poly or mono) that you set your life up such that you’re prepared to accept it and own it. If you are embarrassed of your partner, you need to work on that. You need to be able to accept everyone in your relationship for who they are and not ask them to hide just to make you feel better. Eventually it will come out, hiding only delays it.

[polymomo]

Part 2: Acceptable Hierarchical Polyamory

At this point you’re either thinking “down with hierarchy!” or “fuck her, I’m in a hierarchical relationship and it’s great!” FINE. As much as some people don’t want to admit it (and I was one of them for a while) Hierarchical Polyamory CAN be done right, although it can still have potential pitfalls. 

The main lesson I learned by learning about polyamory is two-fold. 1) Some people have the ability to truly love multiple people and 2) Some of those people are willing to sacrifice that in some situations, but not many. Just put that on the back-burner for a bit.

The most important lesson in all relationships, and especially polyamory, is communications. You’re sick of hearing it, it’s drilled into your head every day. So that means the key to successful hierarchical polyamory is ALSO communication. Basically, at the end of the day however you practice polyamory, whatever structure your polycule takes, as long as everyone is happy who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks about it?

Here are two scenarios:

Scenario 1 Jim and Tom have been together for a number of years. Neither of them have any issues with polyamory or non-monogamy in any form. They’re also busy with promising careers and often have to travel for work. They’re in a committed relationship and love each other very much. Tom has a very high profile position and occasionally requires that Jim attention social events with him, it is important for Tom to show up with his partner a certain functions and Jim understands this completely.

Jim often travels to the same area to visit his corporate office. He meets someone in that city with whom he has a strong connection (Larry). Larry also has a demanding job and while they both acknowledge the feelings and agree to see each other, they realize that work will prevent them from having a “normal” relationship so they accept the relationship as a casual one. Occasionally Jim must cancel his trips to visit Larry due to a last minute function at which Tom requests his attendance. Larry and Jim have discussed this, and Larry understands his situation. They discussed everything up front and Larry is very independent with an active social life. As much as he enjoy’s Jim’s company, he can use the free weekend to catch up with his old college friends!

Scenario 2 Lisa and Mark has also been together for a number of years and have a couple of young children. The same as in scenario 1, they’re both aware of and accepting of polyamory and non-monogamy and have no issues with the other having multiple partners. They’re also busy, but rather than work, their children keep them busy with after-school activities and sports.

One day while at the library with the kids, Lisa meets Claire, the new librarian. Claire is also married, but she and Lisa really hit it off. They become fast friends and a romantic relationship quickly develops. They love each other, but both have children and busy lives. Since they both understand the demands of a young family, they both decide to be a “secondary” relationship to their husbands. The relationship is important to them, and maybe one day in the future they can form a blended family, but for now they recognize the logistics would be difficult and their focus is on their children. They agree to a more casual relationship until the children are a little older at which point they’ll consider something more. They each understand if a date must be called off because one of the kids is sick or if a schedule has to be changed because of the basketball tournament. They openly communicate and discuss any issues as they arise. 

These are both hierarchical. One relationship takes precedence for some reason, but all involved parties are aware of the situation and it’s not an issue for them. They practice open communication and no one intends to hurt the other. The hierarchy isn’t formed from anger or jealousy, it’s formed out of practicality. Each person cares about the feelings of all involved parties. 

Back to what I mentioned at the beginning about it being difficult for people to control their feelings for someone. That’s true in all cases. This isn’t a poly thing, it’s a people thing. Any time you have a relationship with any kind of predefined constraints (it’s just casual, we won’t fall in love, it’s just for fun) you need to keep in mind that you can’t just stop yourself if you start to fall in love. This type of hierarchy needs full disclosure of the initial setup and any desire for change along the way. If the secondary partner decides they need more, there is nothing wrong with the partner saying no to that and it’s also reasonable for the secondary partner to opt out of the relationship if it’s too difficult. All relationships are fluid and require communication.

[polymomo]

Part 1: Bad (Controlling) Hierarchical Polyamory

I really like words. I also think they’re extremely important. Their definitions are important. A lot of disagreements stem from people disagreeing on the definition of a word or saying something in the wrong context. You have no idea how many fights my husband and I have gotten into because we had different ideas about the definition of a word. Therefore, I think it’s worth discussing the language we use to describe relationships. Now I’m not saying to label everyone, I think labels are less important, but terms and language are important. If you have the right terms to describe concepts, you can mash them up just right (like the music genres) to explain a concept to someone without defining a permanent label. That being said, let’s discuss another word that’s just about as heated as “Ultimatum” from my last post:

hierarchy: noun, any system of persons or things ranked one above another

This gets a lot of people’s goats. By definition, hierarchy in a relationship means one person is more important than another. That can definitely be bad, but let’s break it down and see if there’s ever a place where it might be good. So, what is Bad Hierarchical Polyamory?

It’s true by definition when you practice hierarchy in your polyamorous relationships, you’re putting some people above others, giving some kind of preference to one or more people in your polycule. The negative connotation has very relevant roots. Polyamory has been around for a long time, but in the United States is only recently gaining momentum. A number of people who currently identify as polyamorous didn’t even know it was an option until much later in their lives. It led them to get into monogamous relationships prior to fully understanding polyamory, or even polyamorous relationships with a poor understanding of polyamory or their ability to operate in that type of relationship structure. 

Often, one partner feels threatened. They may worry that their poly partner will leave them for another love, or just that they won’t get as much of their partner’s attention as they want. They may say things like:

“I don’t mind that you’re dating other people, but I have to come first. If I feel like that relationship is damaging ours, I have the right to change it or end it.” 

This can come from a place of self-preservation: “I need to make sure I don’t get hurt.” It could come from resentment and anger: “That new partner is messing up my life and is my enemy, I need to keep them in their place.”

Regardless of where it comes from, the new partner’s feelings aren’t being considered. Often the current partner asks for “veto power” which basically allows them to change or end relationship at their whim because they feel it is harmful to the “primary” relationship. This puts the “secondary” partner in an awkward and painful position. You can date this person, but they might be forced to break up with you at any time for no reason or explanation. This is really stressful and frankly, mean.

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to use that power, I just need to know that I have it.” 

There are few things I’ll take a hard stance against, but veto power is one of them. Polyamory, relationships in general, are about communication. Giving one person the power to control another is never appropriate. If you don’t plan on using it, then why do you need it? 

“I cheated on him before so I gave him veto power so he would trust me.”

No. I mean if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you want to give someone the power to control your life, sure whatever...that’s your problem. In a polyamorous relationship, you’re NOT the only one being impacted. Everyone else you’re dating is as well. It isn’t up to YOU to give away someone else’s control or to request that a partner give away their other partner’s control. 

This type of hierarchy, one that’s born from anger or jealousy or fear, is unbalanced. To points in prior posts, everyone makes their own choices so the “secondary” partner can always opt out if the structure of the polycule isn’t conducive to their happiness. I specifically call this out though to the people who are trying to practice it, the primary couples who are trying to cram monogamy into a polyamorous box. If you’re going to put that kind of restrictions on a relationship, you might be practicing a form of non-monogamy but you’re not practicing polyamory. Remember, polyamory means “many loves.” If you really intend to find new partners you love...would you put them in a position where someone else could choose to hurt them so badly? If you love them do you want to put yourself in a position where YOU could be hurt so badly?

You don’t give someone power over another, all you’re doing is trading one partner’s possible hurt for another’s. Instead of veto power or “controlling hierarchy” (actually, I kind of like that phrase - it’s going in the title), why don’t we communicate? 

Veto power just hides the problem, communication attempts to find the root cause. Instead of saying “You’re no longer allowed to see him”, say “It hurts me when you see him because...” and think of why it hurts. 

“It hurts me because I feel unloved when you’re with someone else”

If it’s just that you don’t want your partner with someone else...well you did choose to stay with your partner who is polyamorous. It’s not fair to turn the tables and hurt someone else. Your partner IS polyamorous and you need to work on either accepting that or deciding that it is unacceptable, but you can’t just end their relationship. a) it hurts someone else and b) someone new will eventually come along. The root cause needs to be addressed. 

What if it’s something more serious?

“When you see him, you forget about promises you made. You promised to come to our daughter’s soccer game, but you missed it because you slept in with your boyfriend and it hurt her feelings.”

or...

“When you go out with him you’re spending so much money. Things are already tight and we can barely pay our mortgage as it is.”

There are absolutely valid reasons for one partner to take issue with another relationship, but calling in veto power doesn’t solve anything but discussing the problem might.

A final note to consider...even if a partner gives another partner veto power, we make our own choices. Veto power isn’t real control, it’s the illusion of control. In the end, the veto is a request that may or may not be honored. Each partner makes a choice each time and it’s possible that one day that veto power will be enacted on a love they’re unwilling to leave and no amount of veto power will save the primary relationship. 

[polymomo]

Requests: Threats, Ultimatums and Needs

Many people say that ultimatums are bad. I take a little issue with that because I think people use the word ultimatum incorrectly. Let’s break that down.

need:  noun, circumstances in which something is necessary, or that require some course of action; necessity.

ultimatum: noun,  a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations. 

threat: noun,  a statement of an intention to inflict pain, injury, damage, or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not done.

Ultimatums as a Need

Everyone has a right to state what they need. “I need to be in a monogamous relationship” or “I need to be able to be polyamorous” are both perfectly valid. Simply stating that isn’t wrong. Even outside of polyamory people have needs and issue ultimatums, “I need my wife to be a mother, having children is very important to me” or “I have no desire to have children, I do not want to be a parent” are both very valid needs. 

Here’s a situation, let’s even leave polyamory out of it this time. A couple has been dating for a couple of years and has been discussing marriage. One day the wife mentions how cute their future children would be and the husband replies “Yeah right, I’m never having children!”

There is nothing inherently wrong about wanting children or not wanting children, but everyone needs to do what’s important to them. The couple discusses their situation for some time and simply can’t agree. Finally, an ultimatum is issued:

"If we can’t have children together, I’m going to leave you.”

or from her perspective:

“If you need children, you’re going to have to find someone else because I will not have them”

Those are both ultimatums by definition, but is there anything wrong with that? Those are things each of them need. It’s unfair to ask him to raise a child he might resent, but also unfair to ask her to give up being a mother. Eventually someone might need to say “If I can’t get what I need from this relationship, it will have to end.” As long as the needs stated are real and the ultimatum comes after trying to resolve the issue through discussion, eventually something needs to give.

Ultimatums as a Threat

Ultimatums aren’t bad in and of themselves, it’s the way they’re delivered that makes them good or bad. If you have a reasonable discussion of your individual needs and are unable to reach a resolution, an ultimatum is probably inevitable. But what if that ultimatum is delivered in the middle of a fight as a threat?

"You’re going to refuse to have children with me? Fine, I’ll just stop taking my birth control. You’ll have children whether you like it or not!”

"You’re going to force me to have children? Fine, I’ll just dump you. You’ll never make it without my money!”

Reading the definitions, note the main difference between an ultimatum and a threat. An ultimatum might be a demand...but it might also be a statement. A threat however is intended to inflict harm. Nothing about a threat is good, whereas an ultimatum might just be the result of a long discussion where the two parties couldn’t find an agreement. A threat comes from a place of anger and retribution, a desire to punish. Regardless of the reasons for the disagreement, a threat is never appropriate. 

This is all applicable to polyamory and often happens in relationships that are migrating from monogamous to polyamorous when one partner wishes to remain mono. I intentionally chose a non-poly example because frankly a lot of people are extremely opinionated on the “right way” to be poly (I’ll probably still get shit from people who have strong opinions on children, but whatever). They key is that not everyone has the same lifestyle needs or the same relationship needs. Disagreement in and of itself isn’t wrong. Ultimatums aren’t bad by definition even if some people do issue them inappropriately.

So when someone accuses someone of “issuing an ultimatum” as if that’s always a bad thing, consider the situation. Consider the context. Consider the delivery. It might be coming at a difficult time and it might hurt to hear, but that doesn’t make it wrong. To that end, you should know a threat when you hear it. When a partner threatens you, shut down the conversation because nothing productive can come from a threat.

[polymomo]

Polyamory (and Relationship) Basics

I got partway through my next post and stopped myself. I realized there are some things that I feel are pretty basic, but that seem to elude other people (emotions have a tendency to make anyone’s brain stupid). This honestly happens to me even outside of relationship discussions. Things I feel are super obvious and don’t need to be stated oftentimes DO need to be stated. So here ya go, some basic truths to every relationship. In every post I make, keep these things in mind:

Relationship Styles are a spectrum and everyone is different Some people are straight, some are gay and some in between. Some people are men, some women and some in between. Some people are monogamous, some polyamorous and some in between. Just stop trying to put everyone in nice neat boxes. It’s not going to work. The sooner you accept that life is a spectrum (and that it’s a good thing) the happier you’ll be.

Everyone has feelings I know, your partner’s newest girlfriend might seem like your enemy but she isn’t your enemy just because she’s the new girlfriend. Everyone has feelings and if you want your partner’s other partners to take your feelings into consideration, you should consider theirs as well. 

That includes you!  This is just like, a life lesson. Yeah you should be concerned about others and polite to them, but not at your own expense. Even in the Bill of Rights notice you don’t have the right to “happiness”, just the “pursuit of happiness” and that goes in relationships too. Within a relationship you have the right to ask for what will make you happy, but if that means someone else giving up something they’re unwilling to give up, you can’t make them. Which leads well into...

No one can make anyone do anything This is just that. Someone can ask you nicely, they can yell at you but at the end of it all, you make your own decisions (and that goes for your partners as well). If your meta (your partner’s partner) tells your partner “Either you spend more time with me or I’m leaving you” that doesn’t actually mean they HAVE to spend more time with that person, it just means they need to make a decision. If your partner then comes to you and says “Well, my other partner is making me spend more time with them and therefore less time with you” ...that’s a crock. Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean it MUST be given. The reasonability and nature of the request aside, whether or not the individual acts upon the request is their choice and their choice alone. 

Polyamory doesn’t make anyone do anything either A lot of people attribute a number of issues to polyamory (my wife cheated on my because she’s poly!), as if they’re inherently an issue with poly but not monogamous relationships. There are definitely differences in the two, and there are pros and cons to each but neither has an inherent problem. Love is a really complicated emotion. Even good people make mistakes, do bad things and hurt innocent people. If you decided to try out polyamory and broke up, there was an underlying issue in the relationship or with one or both people. Polyamory is a concept, a relationship style. It literally can’t make you do anything.

Sometimes people are assholes and do shitty things Seriously, sometimes people are assholes. Sometimes people lie and cheat, they are manipulative and they’re mean. Sometimes mean people take advantage of someone who is emotionally damaged. Sometimes people are just assholes.