𝒫𝓇𝑜𝒻𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝒫𝒾𝓍

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚·｡⋆ Sarah - 22 - Gemini religious imagery and a fear of letting people go

[professionalpixiegirl]

I just want to feel comfortable with someone.

[professionalpixiegirl]

**TW SA, SH, CPTSD, MOMMY WOUNDS**

My heart breaks for the version of me that used to be afraid of her mom. 7 years old, and terrified. I'd hide in my closet and cry, shaking as I could hear her threats from earlier repeating in my head. But sometimes, there is a part of me, that thinks if she had just seen me in those vulnerable moments, maybe she would have grieved for herself. That innocent child, who was a victim of sexual assault. Or what if she had seen my teenage self, cutting, out of desperation to feel an escape? Would she have been able to relate to me, as a 13 year old mother? Being a woman, and being a daughter is such a beautiful burden. Those are two labels she and I both carry very differently. Now, I am 21, and I haven't been able to speak to my mom in two months. I imagine her sitting in her apartment alone, as the roads are too icy to drive on, wondering what she did to deserve to be dealt this hand. Maybe she journals, asking god what she could have done differently. "I did what I could, with what I knew. Why was it not enough for anyone around me?". I know this is just wishful thinking. Reruns of The Steve Harvey Show play as she eats scrambled eggs for dinner, for the 5th time this week. She will probably pray for me, and I will pray for her. And we will move on.

[poetryforall]

[professionalpixiegirl]

Grief and Humanity

Grief is such a weird experience.

It's been 7 months since the last time I saw him, and truly, i feel ok

so why is it when I'm sad I always find myself thinking and wondering about him. I really don't care about him, and yet there's such a strong attachment to the feelings I had for him.

I want to let myself fall in love with other people, but I can't help but think about how much it hurt when he left me.

I was nauseous for months, why would I open myself up to be hurt like that again?

And i can't help but compare new love to old lovers. The way things felt with other people, whether good or bad.

Being human is so messy and complicated and nonlinear, I really don't feel cut out for it somedays.

I guess that's kind of the point of living though.

[professionalpixiegirl]

God is a masochist.

He can't help but climax, watching my heart break for the third time this week.

[professionalpixiegirl]

Do you ever close your eyes and kiss her lips and breathe out my name instead of hers?

[professionalpixiegirl]

i went to church this week. You always wanted me to go to church, but i couldn't bring myself to go. You always made me feel like i wasn't enough for you without it. Am i enough for you yet?

[professionalpixiegirl]

I know I'm only 21 but I don't know who I am, and there's nothing scarier than existing and feeling like I've never truly met myself.

[professionalpixiegirl]

[professionalpixiegirl]

"Did you want to be something more?"

[professionalpixiegirl]

I wasn't expecting the tears in my eyes to swell up so fast when the scent of his cologne first hit my nose.

I never imagined there would be a day where I only knew you through the smell on a stranger.

[amysinwonderland]

maybe in another universe I don’t feel different

[professionalpixiegirl]

Maybe we weren't made for love He could be right. Am I cruel for trying anyways?

[professionalpixiegirl]

My heart still remembers the last time we let someone in, and the marks are still there. The wound still stings. I'm sorry this won't be easy. Maybe in some time, I will start unlocking my soul. Until then, can you just hold my hand?

[loveliestangel]

this genuinely plays in my head everyday

[professionalpixiegirl]

If I saw you again

We would be two ghosts engaged in a beautiful dance

Fueled on faded and foggy memories

Why did you love me first?

When did you love me last?

[professionalpixiegirl]

if they keep misunderstanding you, i guess they never understood you in the first place