I know I'm a bit late, but all I have been able to think about recently is how much Ryland Grace's story resonates with the aroace experience. I’d like to share some of the ways Project Hail Mary challenged my expectations for my future and public image, and how it explores isolation and platonic connection from an angle I wish was represented more often in media. It brings me a ridiculous amount of joy knowing that this story is just as important to many of you, fellow aspecs, and am sure you have considered much of what I am covering; I would love to hear your thoughts!
thank you @rainbowbageloverlord for proofreading!
A couple of months back I came across a video where an ace person talked about the joy of having their qpr treated as seriously as any romantic relationship by friends they hadn’t seen in a long time. They gushed about how nice it was to be included in the friendly gossip surrounding partners, knowing for perhaps the first time that their relationship held the same weight in other’s eyes, and the relief they expressed even when retelling this brought me to tears. I realized that I had been internalizing a future where whatever relationships I have will always be dismissed even by those close to me. I know that my right to be taken seriously and included in conversation does not hinge on being in a relationship, and I can tell myself as much as I want that the opinions of strangers don’t matter, but I can’t ignore how the prioritization of certain relationships over others has affected me, something im sure aspecs and allos alike can relate to. Seeing that it’s possible to surround myself with people that see me as whole as I am, and would respect whatever my life looks like in the future—with or without a partner—gave me so much hope. I realized just how much we are in need of stories where amatonormativity is subverted; because the first time the relationship in the video was recognized with the same weight as an allonormative one was 9 years into it.
Coincidentally, this was around the same time I started to read Project Hail Mary. A story that centers a platonic relationship strong enough to save worlds is something I rarely see, and I have not been able to stop thinking about the book and movie since. It has so many of the themes and tropes of a love story, and it absolutely is! But it approaches them in a way that especially speaks to my own experiences and deepest fears as an aroace person, and gave me the perfect opportunity to deconstruct the internalized isolation I felt from accepting that my experiences would never be recognized as love, or as important as love.
For a long time one of my biggest fears has been ending up alone. I find the idea of romance sweet, even something I imagined having. But thinking back, I couldn’t tell you how much of that is from wanting it for myself or just thinking I do because of its status as “the most important” long term relationship there can be. The common belief that aspecs are “missing out” was true not because romantic love is something I need, but rather that since platonic relationships are all I have, then there is nothing I can do to avoid being left behind as they are deprioritized; losing any long-term relationship because I can’t reciprocate what is expected has always seemed like a terrifying inevitability. Seeing a character who shares this fear to the point where he actively avoids connections that could hurt him later, only to find fulfillment outside of what anyone thought possible was healing, and an incredibly aroace coded experience. In both the movie and the book, there is no way to ignore the contrast between the connections Grace has and those between his team, and his loneliness seems to be due entirely to his fear. But given Grace’s relatability and the interest of others shown, I like to imagine that it is not just cowardice or a lack of options that drives him to “live in fear”, but the nature of their interest and what he is able to reciprocate to begin with. If his affections were never going to be seen the same way, of course he would resign himself to feeling isolated regardless of the connections he does have. The importance of Grace’s passions and relationships are constantly downplayed relative to the connections between those around him, but when removed from that comparison Grace’s life has always been and continues to be full of love. The strength of his relationships even in the most unusual circumstances show that platonic love can be just as impactful as other forms.
Grace’s personality is a separate thing from his relationships, but connection is simultaneously what drives his growth more than external pressures. A lot of canon or purposefully aroace characters fit the “naive child”, the “cold, disconnected, dedicated to their work” archetypes, or are literal robots/aliens(neat how the turn tables), and as much as I wish that aroace Grace was canon, I also have a feeling that it is likely because he was written without the term explicitly in mind that his character is believable. His joy, nerdiness, dedication, and way of seeing things are just part of the way he is, and are attributed to being a scientist and teacher over anything else. The resulting aroace coding and relatability comes from his character traits being fully fleshed out and explored in context of the narrative themes, instead of the identity being the only reason for them. Similarly, his fear of connection in canon is tied to a greater aversion to risk. He is a scared character, and though he learns to overcome it through his friendship, it is clear that his anxiety surrounding interpersonal connection is just a facet of a larger personality. Rocky becomes the person he can be brave for, the one he is willing to die saving even when he couldn’t do that for Earth because for the first time he knows they would do the same for him. Not only is the change Grace needs to make tied to more than just his fear of rejection, but his growth as a character is explicitly driven by this unique and reciprocated bond with Rocky rather than from an external expectation or internalized sense of duty.
This is a bit more movie specific, but still in the book: Stratt’s assertion that Grace is using “weak” interpersonal bonds as an excuse for his cowardice in the final confrontation serves more to remind us of her commitment to the project’s success, rather than to dismiss Grace’s relationships as truly being less important. It emphasizes the difference in what they were willing to give up at this point, and draws a parallel between how they distance themselves to avoid getting hurt. Perhaps it is Stratt’s attempt to make him feel obligated, and a justification to herself that aside from being the most qualified, Grace really is the best to send from a moral standpoint. But even when he admits that most of his relationships were casual, unreciprocated, or ended poorly, we are aware that this alone can never excuse strapping him to a rocket against his will. This again brings up the central theme of Grace finding someone he IS that brave for, mutually. The astronauts and other scientists have people they care for, reciprocated more strongly than in Grace's own relationships, which drives their self-sacrifice. In the book they even assume that Grace is with Stratt, and that must be why he’s so involved! So then him being sent under the guise of having “less of a reason to stay” but simultaneously everyone else going has a human connection as their motivation (Yao in the movie, DuBois and Shapiro in the book), on top of the fact that what eventually drives him to self sacrifice was a deep friendship instead of what anyone was expecting of him, is just. So interesting. The whole story depends on their unconventional relationship being just as strong as any other. This is why I think the line “You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak” and its movie counterpart becomes so personal if you read Grace as aroace. Not only is the cause misplaced, but the implication that he is entirely to blame for his isolation and is therefore inherently more disposable is a sentiment aspecs are no stranger to hearing. His fear of connection makes so much sense if he has long accepted that any attempt to have a conventional relationship can never last, and that only away from societal expectations–the same ones his “friends” then used to justify his murder–is he able to find a friendship that quite literally saves him.
Grace stays his own person with wants and boundaries, even as he forms deep bonds. On Erid he becomes the resident Earth expert, learns about Eridian life, and he’s as excited to see those he cares about as always. Grace and Rocky don’t have to sacrifice any authenticity in their friendship, and if anything it grows as they are able to communicate more fluidly. Another trend in romance that is subverted is where one partner lowers their standards and expectations, or puts aside a boundary for “The One”. Grace sacrifices his chance to return to earth, but he also knows that there won’t be much for him to return to. Grace made the choice to save Rocky fully accepting that he would not survive, so this is distinctly different from him settling for the “next best thing”, especially since Rocky straight up refuses to accept this and says no actually, Grace not die. (This trope is not the fault of romance on its own, but what we perceive a relationship to entail). There is another side of this in the book. They are mostly careful to respect the others boundaries and culture, with the exception of scientific inquiry. Even in more emotional or awkward contexts (such as eating and sleeping), there is compromise and the discomfort is mutually shared, as it should be in any healthy relationship. I have only been in platonic relationships so I can’t speak as much on this, but I imagine there is an interesting contrast to be made in the way that they handle this vs the expectations aspecs face to be the first ones to sacrifice our comfort in a relationship with allos, particularly in romantic gestures and intimacy.
Grace’s and Rocky’s bond is not diminished by either of their past or continuing romantic relationships! Movie and book Grace both have a past girlfriend and the hints for a romantic plot, but neither go anywhere. Grace’s most important relationship is allowed to be purely platonic, a choice that is so rare to see. And just like having a romantic/sexual relationship does not change someone's orientation, having and even prioritizing deep friendships shouldn’t be for aros/aces only, even if it is more likely. Regardless of whether or not you read Grace that way, we need to normalize different kinds of relationships being an option for everyone. As for what we see of Rocky and Adrian, I personally adore that their love coexists with that between Rocky and Grace. Neither relationship is sidelined in favor of the other, instead simply expanding their found family. They remind me that the friendships we already have shouldn’t have to be sacrificed or treated as lesser, even when the dynamic may change or involve others. Seeing this depicted is incredibly refreshing because long term non-allonormative relationships are hardly ever explored, even among the stories with explicitly aspec characters that I have seen. Aroace characters are rarely the focus of the story and are sidelined by default, and characters who are in a qpr or on exclusively the aro or ace spectrums tend to have their relationships written off as “normal” if not in canon then by the fandom. While I am glad that we have canon representation to speak of and know that these do resonate with the community, I am so tired of seeing our presence forgotten as a side note and our experiences simplified to fit the norm. I personally have no idea what I want in my future relationships, but it brings me hope that such a well known story features a protagonist whose lack of an allonormative partnership is not treated like a tragedy or only defining trait, whose other connections are meaningful, long lasting, and inseparable from the central themes, and who so many other aspec people have claimed as one of our own. It goes without saying that even if Grace was canonically aspec, there is no monolith of experience that his story could encompass, nor would he be entirely unproblematic. But validating and diversifying the kinds of relationships shown in media regardless of orientation is how we prevent any experience from being left behind.
