Peace out, pudge!

this blog turned into something weird. it was originally created to keep me on-track with weight loss and i figured two of my friends and my mom would read it. now i've got thousands of new friends on here and my journey towards a fit lifestyle and a happy level of self-love is still pending. if you're down to hear about my amazing husband, my cats, and can go along with some bad jokes, we could have something beautiful here.

[robohintz]

LMAOOO

[pudgeball]

Here for this duo. George is ridiculous but he’s grown on me! The Imola incident with Bottas was not my favorite moment but he seems to have matured a bit since then.

….kind of. haha

[pudgeball]

Quick life update

I don’t really want to talk about body/weight stuff just yet since I haven’t been on here in forever, but this is what’s been going on with me. It feels like not much at all but SO MUCH at the same time.

In October I left my job. Not many people outside of my close circle of friends know that I did that. But I think all of the pain and depression and anxiety from having so much go on a couple years ago finally came to a head. Then when I got into a bad situation at work where I was being bullied by my boss on a daily/weekly basis, I just shut down.

I stayed in that role for a year until James and I were both on the same page with the fact that I needed to take a mental health break. So I did. I just started working again recently (in a SUPER different role/industry) and I’m still taking very tiny baby steps to get my mental health to a stable place.

I do a lot of volunteer work because it’s what makes me happy. I work with a 12 year old girl whose family is in the court system, and act as her legal advocate when she goes to court. I grant wishes with Make-A-Wish, and I’m still at the animal shelter (it’s been a few years now). These things are what I enjoy doing and they kept me sane while I was going into a job I hated every single day for 10+ hours.

James and I are good, stuff with friends and family are good, the cats are good haha. I just feel like I’m rebuilding myself from the ground up one tiny step at a time. It’s scary but also awesome in lots of ways.

I’ve always been big on quotes. Right now, “when nothing is sure, everything is possible” is keeping me going.

[pudgeball]

the best.

i love this community so much. just logged in after having not been on in forever and opened the nicest messages from people who ive definitely missed. i need to be on here WAY more in 2018!

i did a dietbet that shaun t hosted (if you don’t know about my obsession with shaun t, have we even met?) and reached my goal! i win money and find out how much i get tomorrow!

i lost 8.2 lbs in 4 weeks doing it. im treating myself by eating whatever i want to eat today but will be back on the grind tomorrow. healthy habits were created while competing and i feel much better emotionally (more on that later) so im finally on my way to some progress here :)

[pudgeball]

40 days

SORRY SORRY SORRY. 

a combination of being super busy and computer issues/lack of wifi have lead me to not update for a while. 

the days ive missed have been up and down.

here are things that are going on/in the works/i felt i should mention/we’re doing bullet points now because my computer keeps crapping out but i really want to update tonight so here we go:

my brother asked james and i to do a marathon with him next year in october. im beginning training for that on monday and have enlisted the help of one of my besties who is an avid runner because...im not one. like. i dont run. i dont enjoy it. i dont get the high that runners love. its just not for me. but i want to do this with my brother and id like to say i did a marathon so im going to at least give it a shot 

roxanne and i have decided to be accountability buddies starting on monday too. we did this a couple years ago and it was great..till we stopped haha. but we keep each other motivated so itll be nice to have that again 

i start at a new job soon and will likely be on my feet more, which i need. right now im basically just a netflix-watching blob. 

the walk for suicide prevention that james and i have done two years in a row now is coming up, so thatll be good exercise too. weird as it sounds, i genuinely enjoy the walk. its beautiful, the sun coming up is a nice touch [the point is to walk out of the darkness], and you meet the nicest people and hear the most touching stories. 

ok that’ll do for now. GOOD DAY.

[pudgeball]

days 60-59

the last few days....eh. i would call them mostly unsuccessful in regards to eating clean. i realize that eating a pound of lobster last night was unnecessary but if loving it was wrong then my heart wont let me be right. 

ill be back tomorrow with a happier and smoother update. 

[pudgeball]

days 62 + 61

day 62 went well! i ate well all day and i did insanity max 30. i forgot how hard that program is, so i wont say the workout went very smoothly haha, but i still did it and i didnt turn it off after 10 minutes like i came very close to doing. drank a lot of water so i felt good all day. 

today im having a procedure done at the doctor so i cant exercise too hard after, but i doordashed an acai bowl and veggie juice because im lazy and wont be going off track today. since tomorrows 60 days till halloween im feeling even more motivated to do well. 

i have less than a month till my contract at work ends and some fun trips coming up, so im pretty excited to finish out this year strong. i feel like normally once summer ends its a struggle to find fun things to do but i dont feel that way this time around :) 

[pudgeball]

Days 64 + 63

day 64 was great until the end of my workday. then it was just.........good. i had some chips and salsa and a sandwich from ike’s that probably didnt need to happen. ike’s is amazing so im not going to apologize for that, haha. but i was pretty bummed with myself when i went to bed because i didnt work out or do T25 and it was just a really lame move all around. 

day 63: so today i promised myself that i would, and i did! it was not easy at all--it was actually pretty fuckin horrible, to be blunt about it--but i still did it and i did better than i thought i would. today i worked, had an interview, volunteered at the shelter and did a workout, so it was a really productive day overall and one i feel proud of. 

its funny how much better you do mentally when you dont eat like shit. its been less than a week and my mood and energy levels have very dramatically shifted. 

[pudgeball]

day 66 + 65

yesterday got really busy so i didnt update here but i swear somewhere along the line ill get better at this! 

day 66 was good! we stopped by the facebook fair at HQ and i didnt eat or drink anything besides water and an organic fruit popsicle that was amazing. we also went to dinner at a restaurant that uses all fresh foods and makes things from scratch. it was really good and the place was super cute. we’d definitely go again. i was on my feet ALL day yesterday, which was good for me. 

today, day 65, was eh. i feel like i went downhill at my parents house and snacked on things i didnt need. if youve been following me for a long time you know that my parents house is super triggering for me because its where most of my binging was done. so i definitely need to work on that. i did make some good strong choices today though, only drank water and walked a lot again so those are some pluses. 

i have to be up at 5am so back tomorrow! 

[pudgeball]

day 67

today was a strong one again in regards to eating clean. no processed stuff. lots of water. only healthy snacks. stopped eating dinner when i wasnt hungry anymore and didnt eat more than i needed to when it came to brown rice or these crackers james and i had earlier in the day with the fresh goat cheese we’re obsessed with. we went to a goat farm a few weeks ago and had it and were freaking out. my parents went today so i talked my mom into grabbing us some again. is this what old people get excited for? hahaha.

didnt exercise the way i planned to but james says our complex gym is typically empty on weekends so i want to go check it out. plus the pool in the next building over is usually not as crowded as ours is, which i likey. 

back tomorrow! earlier! its like....really past my bedtime right now, which im not a fan of. im feelin the 31 years :( 

goodnight! <3 

[pudgeball]

day 68

wow i literally was asleep when i wrote yesterday’s post haha! not sure how it came across even remotely coherent but i’m pretty proud. but i did want to make sure to post today when im actually, uh, AWAKE. 

-BRIEF PAUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY BOSS JUST SAID THERE ARE NUTELLA COOKIES IN THE BUILDING AND I KIND OF WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW- 

so @uplusmeequalsus unknowingly got my ass in gear by sending me a cute post on instagram saying there’s 70 days till halloween. i immediately whipped out a notebook and created a game plan. 

guys, ive REALLY fucked up with food. royally. epically. endlessly. this sounds like the title of a savage garden song*. but its true. and maybe it sounds stupid, but this reminder was what i needed. 

im sure ive said this before but theres a very direct correlation to me not writing on here and me going off track with food. so youll be seeing me for the next 68 days in a row and im writing in the notebook every day too. i also set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to stay on track, and james has been texting me motivational pictures every day to help me out. 

im not sure what kind of workout ill be doing today but ill be back tomorrow to share it with you! yesterday i did a tiny baby workout of a mini circuit of arm exercises with a medicine ball and basically every type of crunch i could think of. it was small but it was SOMETHING. and i havent done any exercise in a LOOOOOONG TIME. LOOOONG TIME. LOOOONG. IT’S BEEN REAL BAD. 

see you tomorrow friends!

*i really love savage garden 

[pudgeball]

day 69

i created a journal today to start writing down my every day feelings, struggles, and issues with weight loss. i want to include details on how im doing both mentally and physically over the next 69 days (haha...69). ill be writing here every day too! way more details tomorrow when im awake haha goodnight ❤️

[pudgeball]

miss youuuu.

i looked through a ton of old posts on here today and it made me really nostalgic. it also made me realize a few things, but the main takeaway was this:

a lot of times when i thought i was overweight or looked terrible, i looked juuuuust fuckin fine. and it makes me mad that i allowed other people--or myself--to convince me otherwise. so i clearly didnt appreciate my body or what it was capable of for way too long.

ive been busy with fun stuff. my birthday was on the 2nd, and my family and friends and i had an “alice in wonderland” themed dindin at khaila’s parents’ house again, which was super fun. i saw hamilton the night before with laura and OH MY GOD, EPIC. it absolutely lived up to the hype and im addicted to the soundtrack now. james and i just went to an ostrich farm [don’t worry, we’re still weird!] and ive been to the beach twice this month sooo no complaints. oh and we checked out the color factory in san francisco, which was so cute! 

so that’s what’s going on with meeee. i hope you guys have all been well. please send me messages and update me on your lives! i miss you guys and am sorry ive been away but taking time to myself to heal was necessary. im still trying to cope with a lot of heartbreak from the past 2 years and its been a bumpy ride but im so happy to see so many of you still with me. 

[pudgeball]

Happy birthday, beautiful woman! I hope your Tumblr silence is because your life is full, and you've found deep healing after all you've been through. Blessings on the upcoming year. May it be filled with love, laughter, and magic. <3

wow thank you! this was an awesome surprise to find in my inbox. i will be back on here tomorrow but it was really nice to see this, thank you :)

[pudgeball]

what i've been up to: making collages of myself acting like an idiot in important situations

[pudgeball]

ooooof course

its dark and rainy out today when i want to swim! im going anyway, though; i get weirded out when other people are in the pool [i have issues] so im hoping the rain keeps people away. im literally a grinch now who doesnt want anyone around me hahaha. so sad. 

might do the youtube video tonight but i promise not to update on it again till its actually done; my allergies have been SO bad that i havent been down to be on camera. i spent most of sunday in bed due to being a sneeze monster.

i have about 44 days till i go to napa, my next planned trip, and im 100% dedicated to feeling good for it. i want to drink all the water, eat all the veggies and fruit, and do all the exercise. 

i am so sick of going on trips and looking and feeling terrible on them. montana and arizona are already under my belt for 2017, but ive got 4 other trips planned and hopefully some spontaneous ones coming up so i will not feel like shit on them. its disappointing and frustrating every single time. no more.

[pudgeball]

T25 is baaaaack

i did my first workout for the first time in 84 years (titanic voice) tonight. it was horrific LOL. like....epically bad. but i did it.

[pudgeball]

april is off to a good start in terms of fun! james and i hung out at our new complex yesterday and had breakfast next to the pool, which was great. we got a few errands done and then met laura and george over at kaycee's. we went to the tonga room in san francisco--ive wanted to go there for forever, and it didn't disappoint. afterwards we got a drink at a rooftop restaurant and then checked out the bay bridge just for funsies. i wanted to share that i was able to lose exactly 10 lbs in march :) im really happy with this progress and am super motivated for april. ......howeverrrrrrr haha april 1st went downhill quickly with food once i had an alcoholic beverage in my hand. i dont drink much anymore so when i do, it hits pretty hard. it'll be my only night drinking this month so i dont plan on eating like that again. but the 10 lbs was a solid start, better than ive had in a long time. im really excited for this year and all the changes itll bring.