Puppet Paranoia

Welcome to Puppet Paranoia I write whats on my mind here hoping it will help clear my head. Anyone can read but it's more for myself than anything.

[puppet-paranoia]

Declutter

I need to declutter my life for a bit so I'm cleaning out personal things from my phone and life and Tumblr is one of them. Not that anyone reads this but I just need it out of my life for a bit so I'm uninstalling it from my phone. It will probably come back one day but for now no. Just a last update on my life since it's been awhile, I'm 4 months from graduation! I am psyched but I know it means the end of my relationship. There's various reasons why it's ending but the biggest is our lives are starting to move in different directions. I think he sees it coming too, things haven't been so great between us lately so we'll see how things play out over the coming months. I hope I can move to Seattle so badly once I graduate, I pray that it really happens. I'm also working on my internet fame so hopefully in a year I'm there. As of now I have 861 Instagram followers I got that in 1 week so when i check my Tumblr again hopefully it's much higher. Thanks anyone who reads this I just needed a place to vent. On side note is one thing that I don't want when we break up is for him to be alone. He doesn't have friends really at all he doesn't have family, I think I'm all he has in the world and it kills me inside to think if I leave him he will be alone. I think I saved him, he saved me too and I hurt knowing I can't be there to hold him or love him when the break up comes. I don't want him to be alone and I don't know of anyone I can tell to look after him. I wish things between us could work but I know it is impossible. I know he'll never admit it but I do take care of him in more than one way, emotionally and physically, I don't mean sex but food and health wise. Please Tumblr gods let me help him somehow after the break up.

[puppet-paranoia]

Shroom reflecting

So I was just thinking about my shroom trip after seeing a post on Reddit about shrooms being legal to grow and consume in New Mexico. I actually live in New Mexico (not that I new it was legal when I took them) and so I was reading all the comments about what people saw when they took shrooms. They varied from seeing dolphins in the street to Elmo. And had I not personally taken them I'd probably not believe these people. But when I did them I literally thought I was an air bender from avatar the last air bender. And I don't know why I'd be an air bender, personally I'd rather be an water bender. But it was so interesting I would recommend others to try to just for the experience. Who knows what you'll see or who you'll be!

[puppet-paranoia]

Life

It's the first day of summer vacation! I got through another semester and did really well. Unfortunately I have to take summer classes and one final fall semester and then I'm done! I've got lots on my mind. So let's start at the beginning. I'm starting to actually think seriously about what I want to do after I graduate. I think I've picked two things that I'm set on. I'm going to apply to grad school for spring 2017 for my first option. I'm also going to apply to a few jobs to teach English in Japan for a year. I've been doing a bunch of research on that and it looks like my best option for seeing the world. I actually have a good chance of getting into grad school or even one of those teaching positions so if I get both then I'll probably take the job in Japan. Who knows maybe I'll change my mind when the time gets closer. I have also considered just packing up and leaving here once I graduate. Lately I feel like I'm the only person around me who wants more from life. I don't want to just settle down and be at the same job for 30+ years. I want to be happy and see the world and live on beaches and travel jungles and see sights that I have never known existed. I want to meet amazing people and try new foods and live in beautiful places. But everyone around seems to want to settle and fall in love/ stay in love and marry. Have kids or something. But I have bigger dreams than that. It kinda kills me inside that I'm still stuck here 4 years after graduation from highschool. I had so many dreams of what my life would have been by now. I just feel like I want more than everyone around me. I don't know if or how I'll ever realize my dreams that's why I want so badly to teach English in Japan. I feel like my life is waiting to start in Japan. But at the same time what if it isn't, what if my life is in grad school. There's just so many what ifs. And then there's my relationship, things have gotten better but once again what if. What if I get the Japan job what do we do then, what if I get into grad school somewhere not here, what if we can't compromise on the things we each want in the future. Our life goals are so different, for example he wants kids. I have zero interest in kids its not something I can compromise on and it wouldn't be fair to crush his dreams either. In the end I don't know what's going to happen. Getting older sucks I'm still young but I feel like I've wasted so much time being unhappy here when I could have been living. But you need money for that and that's something I don't have much of. Aside from all that I just want this summer which may be my last as a "kid" before I get a real job and hate everything. It's not much of a summer vacation though. I'm taking 3 classes, working and volunteering. God I hate volunteering with a passion. I have to hit 220 hours to be done. I'll be at 70 by the end of next week which is good because everyone that started at the same time as me is only going to be at 30 but I don't wanna do this all summer. It's so miserable, if I was getting paid for it I would love it but nope. At least I have the EDC trip to look forward too, but the downside is I feel so unattractive weight wise. Now that it's summer I should be able to get to the gym regularly though so maybe I can at least get a tiny bit fit before then.

[puppet-paranoia]

Stars

It's one of those nights where I just wanna lay outside underneath the stars and think about life and listen to good music.

[puppet-paranoia]

The last several weeks

It's been a while since I last updated my life. Not much is going on in my world so we'll start with good and go to the bad. The good So I'm slowly working my way towards graduation! I think I may have a shot at graduating this summer if all goes my way. This semester may be the easiest of all my years at school. I don't know why they're all upper level classes but I actually anticipate only A's and B's! That's so exciting! Once I graduate I'm probably going to apply to grad school! I want to apply to my school's mental health counseling program! I wasn't for grad school for the longest time which means I wasn't trying my best to prepare for it.... So I gotta get my stuff together pretty fast. I also started volunteering at a crisis hotline, the training for it is God awful but it'll help me get into grad school hopefully. EDC is still on the books for summer so hopefully that'll be fun! Summer is gonna be busy I may be taking 6 classes if I can get permission. I'm also doing decent with financial concerns I'm managing money a bit better I don't male a lot at work unfortunately so it's pretty much impossible to save but that's what I expected from a student job. I can't think of much else thats good right now, I'm a bit tired so onwards. The bad Well as of today I'm pretty sure my relationship is about to end. Something is completely wrong with him, like he barely talked to me when he came over he was in some weird mood and he literally left and didn't tell me that's what he was doing, his attitude says something is wrong but he'll never tell me what it is. I think cheated on me honestly. The worst part is thinking that doesn't crush me inside like it should. I do love him, but I think our relationship has just reached the end. The more I think about it we have two completely different goals after we graduate one of the biggest is he wants to have kids at like 28 I don't want kids ever. That's not something I'm willing to compromise on. Our relationship has seemed almost lack luster these last few months and no matter how hard I try to excite things he just seems so unwilling. I throw out random things for us to do or trips to take and all I ever get is "I can't" or "I don't feel like it." His moods have also gotten worse. I don't mean mad, I mean depressed. I don't think he understands how much his depression affects me either. And he refuses to get help and I can't it much longer. He's never treated me wrong and I hope I've never treated him wrong and maybe it's for the best. The only real issue is we are supposed to go to EDC this summer together and I don't know how that's going to work if we break up. Even sex wise its gotten boring, its not bad but he never wants to try anything new now days. I see something in a movie "can we try that?" "No" "why not" because i don't want to." I've suggested simple things too like having sex in the locker room (don't judge) he just wanna try anything. So to be honest I kinda of wish he would say he cheated on me so I could have a real reason to end if but at the same time I keep hoping to find some way to improve on things. In other bad news my cat died about a week ago, he was 21 years old. He lives with my mom and I saw him the day before he died and it was crushing. That just makes me think how much more painful it will be when my dog dies. Losing an animal is one of the worst things ever. I didn't think I would cry when he died, we knew it was coming very soon, but I did and the worst part (back to the relationship) I needed my boyfriend here to just hold me and instead he didn't even ask if I wanted him here he barely even talked to me.....

[puppet-paranoia]

2015

Well the year of 2015 is over and I just wanted to do a little reflecting on it. In the last year I got and kept a job for 1 full year now. I went to my first music festivals. I actually went to 4 different ones; beyond wonderland, nocturnal wonderland, and life in color twice! I went to these with my boyfriend who also this year marked 1 full year together. We definitely have had our ups and downs but as of late I know being with him has been the right choice. I love him more and more everyday. What will happen in our future is up in the air but for now I just wanna enjoy being with him in the moment. Also this year I started my senior year in college. Sadly I'm gonna have to come back for a final fall semester most likely but hey at least I'm almost graduated. I even made a real genuine friend in college. That's bug because in my four years there I can't say I made any friend's, literally none but she is an amazing friend who I actually enjoy hanging out with. I also got genuinely serious about going to the gym and getting fit. It happened a little late this year, in November, but hey I'm trying that's more than most of America. It's been a good year. I know some days were harder than others but I also had so many good ones. Let's hope that 2016 is even better!

[puppet-paranoia]

School

So there's a chance my boyfriend is gonna drop out of school. Lets start with some background. Last semester he failed every single class he'd taken. He completely gave up and stopped trying. I'm guessing it had to do with the depression but I think also part of it was my fault. Maybe I just demand too much of his time? After that he got put on academic probation, so this semester he said he was gonnabtry really hard, study everyday, and pass everything. That once again didn't happen. He was taking two of the classes he failed last semester and his logic was "I already know all this" in my mind I was thinking if you know it all why'd you fail. So because he said he knew it all he didn't study and failed them. On top of that we were taking an online anthropology class together. I made sure he did all the work. Or so I thought. One big assignment I repeatedly told him to do, he saud he did it, when in reality he lied and didn't do it. It brought his final grade from a C to a D which means failed. I wanna say he failed because of me but he's just not trying and I don't know what else to do. Sorry this turned into a rant/feel bad for him post

[puppet-paranoia]

Dissatisfied

You know my boyfriend used ro be such a great guy but not ao much anymore. He still treats me good and all but now days our relationship has gone stale he never wants to do anything with me anymore. For the last 3 weekends in a row I've asked him multiple times if we can go out and every single time he says "no I don't feel like it" but the moment one of his friends asks he's perfectly fine with going out. I asked him to go to the movies today, I told him how badly I wanted to watch the good dinosaur and what's he say "no there's nothing I want to watch." But that just it I'm not asking for you, these are things I genuinely want to do. I give up so much of what I want for you but when I seem to want anything you aren't even willing to budge a little for me. You used to, and somewhere along the way it stopped. I've been trying hard to make things new and fun for us again but with you never wanting to do or try anything new anymore you've made it impossible for me. Yesterday I sat for 3 hours watching you play video games, bored out of my mind hoping you'd at least offer to let me play for a bit.

[puppet-paranoia]

Shrooms

I totally forgot to post but a few weeks ago I tried shrooms. And the only reason I remembered to post about it now is thanks to katy perry. Even in my shroomed out mind katy perry came to my thoughts and so naturally I had to listen to her! I even posted on Facebook "Katy Perry is life!" I have a huge love of katy, she perfect. And hearing her music on shrooms was magic. I've never felt music before and oh my god hers felt like magic. The shrooms were fun, I had uncontrollable laughter for the first hour and then I lived like a million lives. I was an avatar, an air bender specificly. Everything was fun and great! Thank you katy perry!

[puppet-paranoia]

What's going on

So something is been up with my boyfriend for a few weeks now and I have no idea what. We are barely having sex anymore and its been getting worse lately. We haven't had sex in a little over a week now and I was gone for Thanksgiving and he literally doesn't even want to come over and see me now that I'm back. He said he was coming over and two hours later I text him and I get "I'm going to stay home instead." What is that? He was literally begging me to come back early and suddenly he doesn't even want to see me. And the whole no sex thing is even worse. I've offered to top and bottom but he doesn't want to do either. He says he's not horny whenever I'm in the mood but its more like he is only horny when I'm not around. He masturbates when he's alone so he just plain out doesn't want me. That makes me sad. Is he tired of me or is it something else. I know the depression has some effect on sexual drive but he's willing to masturbate. Maybe he's cheating on me. I don't really know and I don't know what to do. I offered before to be in an open relationship because I know he wants to have sex with other guys. Not so much in a he's cheating but I know he used to be a slut before me. But he turned it down multiple times, I offered to have a threesome right before I left for Thanksgiving and I got a no to that too. Maybe our relationship has just reached the point where it may simply be time to end. Not in a bad way, but maybe it would be better if he broke up with me before we resent eachother. I honestly think being in an open relationship would help right now. Honestly I wanna have sex and if he won't someone else will. I 100% will never cheat on him, without a doubt in my mind but I have needs to and he's not really being fair in that he can jack off but barely wants to have sex lately. So if we were in an open relationship I could emotionally be there for him and him for me and even physically when he wants but I could at least have my needs met too. I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm just going to have to talk to him about what's going on. But he also hates to talk about how he feels. He would rather everything go to hell then actually tell me what's going on in his head.

[puppet-paranoia]

Travel

So I'm gonna be graduating soon and I've decided one year after I get a job after graduation I am gonna take my trip around the world. I'll use that one year to save up as best as I can, I don't know how much I'll save and I don't know how long will be or how many places I may see. But I've decided. I may go with my boyfriend or with someone else or I may even go alone, but I follow a guy on Instagram who took a trip across the united states on only $6000 (he's from Australia) and if he can do it then so can I! Let it be known today November 15th, 2015 at 7:15pm I have decided what I wanna do after graduation. Now I don't plan on finding a career tje moment I graduate but a decent enough job that I cn be at for a year maybe a year and a half, it all depends on when I graduate and find a job. But I already have a list of so many places I wanna see, its gonna happen I know it! Graduation is only a little while away.

[puppet-paranoia]

All I wanted to do was stay in and play video games tonight, but no I can never do what I want can I?

[puppet-paranoia]

The future

So i looked at how close I am to graduating amf it turns out I'm roughly 4 classes away from getting my psych degree. Now if I pass calculus next semester I'll still have one more year until I get my business degree but if I don't pass it I'm done with school, I'll settle for a worthless bachelors in psychology. But realizing how close I am to being done I have to seriously consider what I'm doing after which brings me to my biggest issue: my relationship. In last few days I've been questioning so much about it. I do love him but at the same time I do feel like we've kind of flat lined. So if graduate doni stay with him and hope everything works out? I honestly want to just leave. I already have my mind set on moving to Seattle but if we stay together he doesn't want to live there. I can't force him to go because if he does I know he'll be unhappy but don't put off my dreams to fo what he wants. The other big issue is kids. We've kinda talked about it, honestly right now I don't want kids and if I ever do it won't be till I'm around 40 and I'll adopt a 10 year old or older even. He wants kids like 30 and he wants a baby. I don't want that at all. I don't wanna waste my 30s taking care of kids or spending money on them. When I'm 30 I'll still be young enough to travel and actually have the money for it. I see both our lives heading in two separate directions and its kinda of tearing me apart. I told him something kinda stupid tonight and I regret it but at tje same time I don't. I hope I can figure out what to do before the end.

[puppet-paranoia]

Relaxation; not in my world

You know its been so long since I could genuinely relax and have time to myself or just lay in bed with my boyfriend. Every day its something; get up forbwork, go to school. Go hang out with friends, cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, do something... I just wanted to lay in bed tonight with my boyfriend but he's probably not coming over. First he had to go home and do homework, then his roommate asked him to go to this stupid pep rally thing. He said he'd come over after. Now they decide to go out drinking now that its over. I was invited but 1 I can't afford it. I literally don't have a single dollar to my name. 2 I just wanted to be in bed with him. And 3 I don't even feel like drinking not that I can afford it. I'm so tired of having to always be doing something. Why can't I just be lazy. I'm so tired of a lot of things now days. School has a huge part in that. Honestly my boyfriend does too. He's not a bad guy in any way but I do so much for him. I try my best to put him first always. I do what he wants when he wants. I sit bored in my room and let him play video games even though I want to. And I'm not saying he takes advantage of me ever. He has never done that, the problem is me. I can't not put him first I hate thinking that I'm bwing selfish and doing what I want. I was watching orange is the new black and the head of the prison in his flashback got into an argument with his ex wife and it was because he was miserable, he put everything he wanted to do in life off to make her and the baby happy. And she said something to him that resonated with me. "Nobody asked you to do all of this, you did on your own." And I feel like that's me, not just with my boyfriend but witg everyone. I want everyone else to be happy and do or get what they want. I'm not ranting against my boyfriend, I love him I do but I wish he would try to put me first once in a while. Even tonight I asked him to come over but now he's out drinking instead. I know he's not being selfish like my ex was I honestly just believe he doesn't realize how drained I am for doing so much for everyone.

[puppet-paranoia]

Bad week

Its only Tuesday and I'm done with this week. I had three tests today. There's a chance I failed all of them.... I studied so much for the most important and I know I did half almost perfect but the other half.not so much. This day has literally killed me I considered dripping out today. And I mean that in the most serious way possible. I hate school. On top of that I now owe $800 on my credit card as of yesterday. Granted its only because I got my edc ticket and booked our hotel. Its very very nice hotel so I at least have that to look forward to minus that $800 bill it caused. I'm just over this week. I know its not as bad as some peoples weeks went but for me it was abnormally bad. Just two more days. Thank god I don't have work or school on fridays. I need the weekend, however I'm not even allowed to spend money. I can't until the credit card is paid off which will take probably two months and that's with me using my entire.paycheck. God I need a real job that isn't work study.

[puppet-paranoia]

Well then

I didn’t really realize how much I’m sick of life until today. Not in a i wanna kill myself way but in a way where were all just paper people in paper towns kind of way. My best friend text me saying she hates school already and i’m just like been there done that. But if i quit school i have to get a job or if i graduate i have to get a job so you know not much option there. The only thing really making me happy now days are the vacations i’ve been taking with my boyfriend. I think i like them so much because of how different that life seems. In that life I’m pretend rich and get to not worry about work or school and just do what i want. I get to listen to music, i get to see the beach, i get to sit on rooftop pools and pretend this is what i do every day. I get to sit poolside and drink expensive champagne in mimosas with the best people in the world.  I get to live the life that i really want. The life where i just get to live and not be like the rest of America and working my life away at a meaningless job. I suppose thats as close as i’ll ever get to that life, pretending. I dont think that i can keep that up forever, eventually all of the pretending will break me. I just want a fun happy life and I dont think that that is ever really an option for anyone but the rich. They say money cant buy happiness but i disagree. If i can spend the rest of my life traveling, living, loving, being me without ever having to worry about how i’m going to pay for it i know i would be happy.

[puppet-paranoia]

Heart broken

Feeling pretty heart broken but what can you do right. Not the best time to deal with it or anything but I guess I have no choice... Lets try to make tonight decent for what it is