actually you know what, let’s fucking talk about this. i’ve been tiptoeing around the words but they need to be said. the reason some people find it normal to talk shit about pillow princesses or stone tops/bottoms is super obvious. i’ve talked plenty about consent on here and the implications of why it is so categorically odd to pressure someone who is stone into breaking their boundaries but i haven’t said it in full. it’s rape culture, plain and simple.
as lesbians and sapphics (venn diagram that however you fit) we often separate ourselves from patriarchal constructs, and happily so. the problem though is thinking we are beyond it’s influence in certain rights and therefore unaffected in our own decision making processes. we are absolutely not, as we well know. in these patriarchal-led relationships there is an unspoken, and sometimes spoken rule (because communication is a large hurdle for the unexposed) that you reciprocate pleasure, and if not then there is something wrong with you. if not, there is something wrong with you.
it is deemed generally fine to ‘convince’ someone to push their own boundaries for the sake of their partner’s pleasure. and this is meant to be fine, because pleasure in this context is about gratification, not respect for another person’s body and well-being. fuck that. this is rape culture in action. never have i EVER tried to convince someone to do something they haven’t wanted to do. know how i know?? because we talk about it and i get to understand exactly what their enthusiastic consent looks like/sounds like and what their boundaries are. rape culture isn’t always someone saying no and another person saying yes anyways. it’s wearing someone down and shaming them with the idea that they’re not doing something they ‘should’ be doing.
the act of violating someone’s boundaries this way absolutely is a form of sexual assault. just because it wasn’t violent doesn’t make it any less a violation. our community needs to be better at identifying red flags. if you see someone talking shit about stone identities, ask them why. the only legitimate reason when you get right down to it, is that they are bothered by the lack of reciprocation. i’m a switch, a full switch and i have never had a problem sleeping with people who are stone. we see this even in romantic relationships, where it becomes an issue of “you don’t want me” as if sexual interest is an inherent sign of affection. this is unhealthy!!! stop!!!
i’ve even been in relationships where we were having tons of reciprocal sex and then they mention down the line they feel like they might not be a switch like they thought and you know what my reaction is?? happiness. i’m happy for someone because they know what they want and don’t want. they understand themselves better and want to feel safer and more comfortable and have MORE enjoyable sex. i’ve never felt as though i lost anything and i’ve certainly never felt as though i was owed anything. the idea of being in sexual debt to someone is the absolute worst. this ‘eye for an eye’ culture around sex is disgusting and it has fostered the nonchalance of talking shit about people who are stone.
when i’m out and i hear someone make a derogatory joke about pillow princesses specifically, i ask them what they mean by that and they truly flounder in attempting to explain themselves. there is no reason to make a joke except to say “i don’t respect the way they choose to have sex privately of their own accord and to their own comfort with partners that make them feel cared for.” to anyone that jokes like that, congrats. you just outed yourself to be as bad as kyle at the beta sig frat house. not only do i not want to sleep with you, i can’t get away from you fast enough.
stone-identifying individuals definitely don’t need your wackass opinion. trust me, they’re doing exceedingly well for themselves without you. this is a community issue that stays alive because we don’t do enough of a job to call people on it when it comes up. even causally thinking of someone’s consent as conditional upon your own self interests and benefit, is a furtherance of gratification-based sex culture. you don’t need to be sleeping with stone tops or bottoms to respect them. human decency isn’t something that should be earned through shared history. i don’t care if you have never and will never sleep with someone who is stone (that you know of).
all you’re expected to do is educate yourself and not minimize rape culture. both are much easier to accomplish than said culture in our society would have you believe, especially when you stop treating people like faceless generalizations and objects to talk shit about <3
