@putt-putt-dad - Tumblr Blog

Ah, it’s too late to post this on Halloween. But here is a little story about ghosts, and roommates, and roommates who are ghosts.

huffylemon

triviallytrue

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

friendshapedhole

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

triviallytrue

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

max1461

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

triviallytrue

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

ghostpalmtechnique

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

triviallytrue

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

notwiselybuttoowell

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

chaumas-deactivated20240115

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

nightingalesoul

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

bermuda-n-drangle

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

midnight-sloth

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

These wonderful people have a single braincell to share but unfortunately none of them are using it

sexysilverstrider

the group chat when i ask whos available to hang out next week

medusasstory

Honestly this is one of the best formatted jokes of all time.

gffa

I NEED YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW HARD I LOST MY SHIT ABOUT THIS Because looking at this from Bruce's point of view is really funny, like they're driving on the highway, probably going like 80mph and suddenly there's a KNOCK ON THE WINDOW, you roll it down to see your eldest child on a hang glider who just wants to say hi, where he had to have angled that thing VERY PRECISELY to be able to knock on the window and not scrape those overly large wings on the ground or on the car, but this demon child of yours did it anyway because he thinks it's funny and all of that is very funny. But the real kicker was when I scanned back up to look at Alfred's face and promptly fucking LOST IT.

THAT MAN IS LOOKING IN THE SIDEVIEW MIRROR AND HE HAS TO SEE THIS IDIOT GRANDCHILD OF HIS COMING THIS IS THE FACE OF A MAN WHO SEES THAT HANG GLIDER COMING AND KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT RICHARD GRAYSON IS ABOUT TO DO THIS IS THE FACE OF A MAN WHO HAS SEEN SOME SHIT AND STILL CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HE'S SEEING AND HE IS SO TIRED DOWN TO HIS VERY BONES LOOK AT HIM, THAT IS THE FACE OF A MAN WHOSE SOUL HAS LEFT HIS BODY, HE DOESN'T EVEN SIGH, HE DOESN'T LET BRUCE KNOW THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ALFRED JUST JUST LOOKS OVER, SEES THIS HAPPENING, AND DOESN'T SAY A SINGLE FUCKING THING.