so hard not to become the most annoying person on earth if you're a little excitable and just learned a little about a topic literally no one around you has any interest in
can we all agree not to be weird when Nico Di’Angelo’s actor gets announced? if the show stays true to the books, the actor could be under ten years old, a literal baby, so let’s collectively take a deep breath and remember the actors are real people and the characters are completely fictional. we already failed when Annabeth’s actor was announced
so you're telling me that the man who left fake clues and just vanished after shooting the guy also waltzed into a mcdonalds in broad daylight 4 days later still carrying the murder weapon? bitch that is not your guy. nypd is obviously framing an innocent man to make an example out of so they can put this case to bed quickly, avoid looking completely incompetent, and shut down the conversation this whole ordeal has started. lemme guess they're gonna try him in like 3 days and then dump 5 life sentences on him.
mutual 1: I want to turn that man's prostate into silly putty
mutual 2: here's smth i doodled during science class lol
mutual 3: pls remember that you personally can drink milk and still be a lactose intolerance ally!! anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't know their history :]
mutual 4: fucking a robot girl in the ass call that backend programming
mutual 5: holy shit I need him so fucking bad holy shit holyyy shit oh my god
mutual 6: anyone get kind of horny putting the ignition key in the car....it's so intimate....turning him on....
mutual 7: so lets talk about where scrimblo's arc is realistically going- I know a lot of people are trying to argue that he's being manipulated but this ignores the fact that there is clearly unresolved conflict between him and bleebus about their moralities
mutual 8: happy propeller penis thursday
mutual 9: "scrimblo and bleebus need to discuss their morality" god forbid a pathetic boywife does some torture 🙄🙄
mutual 10: WHO IS HYPED FOR THE NEW ALBUM LETS FUCKING GO
mutual 11: guys we're not getting a new album
mutual 12: please stop sending me death threats
mutual 13: why is my whole dash talking about this band I don't even listen to.....
mutual 14: hey boy nice knife wound can i put my tongue in it
i believe in accessibility so ive been trying to keep the tone of my posts entry-level and relatively civil. i can afford this much because im not palestinian so i have some degree of removal. but if you guys saw the state of my inbox, you would understand why refusing to justify, explain or clarify anything might be more dignified. there are almost ten thousand people dead right now. i feel like a lot of people are just not understanding the weight of this. more children have been killed in gaza in the past three weeks than in all of the world’s conflicts combined in each of the past three years. this is so far beyond crime, so far beyond mass murder, that sometimes i think entertaining questions about it at all is complicity in and of itself. in a normal world, the entire global apparatus, every international body, would be falling over itself to stop this. the prospect of so many civilians—and most significantly children—dead is actually the worst-case scenario. it is what international law was created to prevent. i say children specifically not because adult palestinians are not equally valuable, but because this is a war on children. gaza's population is 50% children. these airstrikes are most lethal on the smallest and most vulnerable bodies. entire buildings are crumbling on kids. they are being murdered in their homes, by their homes.
deliberately. by people with the most advanced military and surveillance technology in the world. by people who know exactly where every single civilian in gaza is. by people who have their phone numbers and send them threatening texts. by people who have drones observing their every movement. by people who are watching them starve, bombing their bakeries, barricading their water. they bring down buildings on children on purpose.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol* moon’s stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this won’t be enough.
nasa employee: enough for…what?
astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* don’t worry about it!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: what?
nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say?
astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told you…moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*red warning lights begin flashing*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? i’m starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it*
nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we don’t have food in here…we can’t…eat in the control room, only the break-room.
astronaut: *sighs*
nasa employee:…my lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo-
astronaut: nah, that’s ok…no time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* or…too much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: you’re…welcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: yup.
nasa employee: …?
astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* so…do you ever like…wonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe?
nasa employee: aren’t you supposed to be ON the MOON?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that?
astronaut: that’s the code red override klaxon. moon’s stuck in a time loop. oh, and there’s an explosion imminent. But don’t worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: do you know frank in IT?
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT?
nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early?
astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him there’s a virus in the security patch and the system’s compromised. then get the hell out of the base.
nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. it’s stuck in a time loop. call frank!
nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha-
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: *grim silence*
nasa employee: i said, you guys are back early…hey, what are you…?
astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, you’ll catch the person who’s been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks.
nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: …ok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you can’t have that in here.
astronaut: what do you know about project floyd?
nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? i’m not really on the project anymore, why?
*alarm begins blaring*
astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we don’t have ti-
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe.
nasa employee: WHAT?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. and, uh…you should call your mother like you’ve been meaning to. and tell her you’re not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. you’re gonna be hungry.
nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be -
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*
nasa employee: what? WHAT?!
astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop, sweetheart.
nasa employee: what?!?
astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!!
nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee:….
nasa employee:…
nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: what the hell is that?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*
nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employee’s cheek with free hand* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: the moon’s stuck in a what?!
astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we don’t have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now
nasa employee: *faintly* …“sweetheart”?!
astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank.
nasa employee: wait, frank from IT?
astronaut: yes.
nasa employee: how do you know he’s gonna be in the break-room? i can’t just call him at his desk right now?
astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? and…also…because…heismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks
nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it
astronaut: BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT’S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because there’s a virus and the whole system’s compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok?
nasa employee: …ok. ok. and…and what about you?
astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? i’m gonna shoot for the moon.
EPILOGUE:
nasa employee: so, how many loops in total?
astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess.
nasa employee: damn.
astronaut: yeah.
nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was “shoot for the moon”?
astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind!
nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time.
astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind.
*they look at each other, blush, and look away*
astronaut: sooooooo. you’re sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner?
nasa employee: can’t make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right?
astronaut: he did help us save the world; we can’t be too mad at him.
nasa employee: you’ve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasn’t even your food!
astronaut: ok, that’s fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it?
nasa employee: hmm, when?
astronaut: tomorrow?
nasa employee: well, i’ll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow?
astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.
REALLY FUN FACT for big cats cheetahs are fucking docile as shit
my grandfather ran a cheetah sanctuary in south africa and he’d just lie with them and sleep among them and they’d rub against him and chirp at him they’re big fucking babies
Another Fun Fact: Cheetahs are incredibly nervous animals. One of the (many) reason’s they’re going extinct is that cheetahs are so sensitive and nervous, some of them are literally too nervous to breed. Others will breed, but stress themselves out so much, they’ll lose their cubs.
So zoos with breeding programs had to figure out how to make cheetahs comfortable enough to first of all, get laid and secondly - not spazz themselves into miscarrying.
So what’d they do?
They gave the cheetah’s their very own Service Dogs!
The dogs make them feel safe, protected and secure!
Also! Cheetahs are not in fact classified as big cats, they are simply very large lesser cats, due to the fact that they purr, meow, chirp, and cannot roar. Also many cheetahs have learned to recognize wildlife photographers are friends and not foes, so they will just come up to people and be friendly occasionally as pictured at the top of the chain. Some will even leave their Cubs with photographers to look after while they hunt. So. Yeah. Cheetahs are great
this works because cheetahs are actually fairly social animals, and they look to members of their group for context on how worried they should be about any given Situation. but since cheetahs are also nervous social animals, they can work each other into an anxiety spiral pretty easily over things like “being in an enclosed habitat” and “there’s a guy over there”.
so by introducing a dog as a member of the group, the cheetahs will now look to the dog for context clues on how worried they should be! and the dog Is Not Worried At All, Thanks, so the cheetahs think everything must be chill even if they were personally unsure about it, and they stop being so freaked out about literally everything.
Hey folks, if you want to fight back against the twitterfication of tumblr USE IT LIKE IT'S TUMBLR!!!!!! REBLOG THINGS!!!!!! USE THE TAGS TO SCREAM AT YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!
This is a comment someone appended to a photo of two men apparently having sex in a very fancy room, but it’s also kind of an amazing two-line poem? “His Wife has filled his house with chintz” is a really elegant and beautiful counterbalancing of h, f, and s sounds, and “chintz” is a perfect word choice here—sonically pleasing and good at evoking nouveau riche tackiness. And then “to keep it real I fuck him on the floor” collapses that whole mood with short percussive sounds—but it’s still a perfect iambic pentameter line, robust and a lovely obscene contrast with the chintz in the first line. Well done, tumblr user jjbang8
I went back to dig up this post because I was thinking about poetry.
This is one of those non-poem things that are among my favorite poems.
As the OP stated, the use of alliterative consonants is aesthetically just great, especially the placement of the strongest use at the end: “fuck him on the floor.” The use of “chintz” is indeed great word choice.
Because I’m insane, decided to scan the poem:
Not only is the second sentence, indeed, perfect iambic pentameter, the entire poem is perfectly metered, though the first sentence has four iambs rather than five.
There are further things I love about this poem, though: I like the casual connotations of “keep it real” juxtaposed with “chintz.” It causes me to interpret the “chintz” more strongly as meaning something fake, a facade. There is also of course the coarseness of “fuck,” which is a contrast with “chintz” but a different kind of contrast, gutsy and carnal where “chintz” is flimsy and inanimate.
And then there is the storytelling: there is SO MUCH storytelling in just these two lines. To break it down: The speaker is having sex with a married man, in the house he shares with his wife, which is “filled with chintz”—something that here connotes fakeness, in contrast with “keep it real.”
The illicit encounter in the poem takes place within a house filled with facade, the flimsy construction of the wife’s marriage and domestic sphere, but the encounter itself is a taste of something “real.” That’s a story, and it’s just two lines.
This is EIGHTEEN SYLLABLES, y’all. The amount of meaning condensed into these eighteen syllables is stunning, and it is so elegantly done.
From a technical standpoint (and ive taken 300- and 400-level poetry classes so I can say this) this is damn near flawless as a poem.
Ah dang to go further; the floor is framed as a refuge. As if there is literally no other space in this house that hasn't been populated by his wife with flimsy inanimate fakery. There is no space for this man in this house save for the floor. There is no space for him on the sofa, oon the counter tops, and most notably, no space for him in the marital bed.
I’d also like to point out the use of the word “has.” The wife has filled the house with chintz. She isn’t filling the house with chintz. She doesn’t fill the house with chintz. She has filled the house with chintz. Use of the past-tense makes the wife a subtly removed element in the story, someone whose presence we see in the environment, but who is blissfully distant during the actors throes of passion. There is an element of physical as well as emotional separation from the wife that is catalyzed by being fucked on the floor. Use of the past tense is an end to the wife presence in the actors life, a carnal catharsis amid cold fragility and emotional distance.
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
ellievsbear
amandla
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