Random Memories And Thoughts

Memories that just popped up and struggles I’m going through. Feel free to message me whenever and about whatever always open to listening or at least attempting to help with stuff

[r-m-and-t]

Kindness

It was a mess. It was painful and it was spur of the moment. It was a chaotic ending because of them. But because you were so reassuring and kind and gentle so caring making sure I was okay. You made it perfect. You’re amazing even in bad situations. I love you so much babe

[r-m-and-t]

“What’s holding you back” “I’m just insecure” “babe it’s okay I would never judge you I love you for you”

~conversations

[r-m-and-t]

Woah

You told me you loved me today. Happiest moment together so far. You told me you’ve been feeling it for a while but you were scared to tell me because you didn’t want to risk scaring me off if it was too soon. You’re such and amazing dork. I love you too

[r-m-and-t]

“Working hard and suffering greatly because life is pain”

~ truth

[r-m-and-t]

I should really stop pushing you away because I regret it even before I do it. Is self destructive the name for it?

[flygoing]

laptop overheating?? pour water on it to cool it down!

[chastittie]

i trusted you

[flygoing]

Do not trust people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people

[r-m-and-t]

I understand

[r-m-and-t]

“I want to sleep myself into a coma”

~ my exact thoughts rn

[r-m-and-t]

One with the struggle

I’m so exhausted my eyes are bloodshot I hurt my wrist and ankle at work this morning I get to come home to a mess of chores. Then Im being forced to go to a party with my parents. I have nothing to wear and I won’t get to sleep at all even though I’ve been up since 3 am. If I have to go through with today I might actually kms I swear. I hate those people and I don’t want to see them today. I’ve avoided them since I was 7 why stop now that I’m almost 18. Fuck today tbh. Someone send help.

[r-m-and-t]

My messed up mind

You’re clearly not as toxic as he was yet sometimes I find myself missing the good moments with him. I’d never go back to him after all the terrible things he did to me but I just can’t stop thinking about how well he knew me. He could pick up on the tiny things and know I was upset instantly try and make me feel better. I can literally give you the biggest flag literally say it was the worst day ever though a streak or something and you’ll leave it on read. If I say Gn early he would’ve known I was upset meanwhile you’ll just say goodnight. Ik it’s wrong to compare you two but sometimes I just miss how he understood me how he read me so well. I like you more then I ever liked him though. Ugh my minds a mess.

[r-m-and-t]

Stupid

I know I pushed you away and said I didn’t want to talk to you but that was only cause I was upset and I don’t know how to express my feeling. I miss you and I don’t know why I’m mad at you but I desperately want a hug from you and I’m upset because although I haven’t told you any of this you don’t even ask. You can’t read that I’m upset and I can’t expect you to. Ugh I hate this feeling. I really wish I didn’t like you this much.

[r-m-and-t]

Cherophobia

Because if you experience happiness then every moment without it is pure misery

[r-m-and-t]

Lucky

I guess I’m lucky when it comes to guys. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has been really good to me. Looking back I’ve probably been the bad one. They’ve all treated me with respect and been sweet and considering. I’ve always been the one to break up with them because of different things like not making enough time for each other or realizing we’re more friends then boyfriend and girlfriend things like that. Nothing huge like cheating or anything like that. They’ve all been funny and charming. I still care an extreme amount for each and everyone of them even though they more then likely hate my guts. All of them don’t talk to me like they used to. I guess that’s to be expected but I still miss them. The latest guy was a good guy but we had started to drift apart. Instead of ending later on bad terms I decided do it now while we’re not as invested. He can’t even look me in the eyes now. Ughhh everyone tells me I have commitment issues which I don’t really think I do but I guess having 6 boyfriends in 4 years and my longest relationship only lasting 7 months probably doesn’t help. Ugh I’m the toxic one idek whats wrong with me. I like the guy I’m dating now more then any of the other ones. I hope I don’t fuck this one up. Wish me luck I guess

[r-m-and-t]

Sleep

We hung out yesterday. Went to the zoo then back to your house to watch a movie. As we were laying there you fell asleep hugging me. And let me tell you you were absolutely adorable. In that moment it was so peaceful. Every once in a while you’d wake up and apologize for sleeping give me a few tired kisses and said you didn’t want to go back to sleep. I shushed you and told you to go back to sleep. And you were so tired you fell asleep again. I loved every single minute of that. Im not ready to watch you leave.

[r-m-and-t]

Just stop

I finally after almost three years had the balls to kick you out of my life for good. I told you you were blocked although the both of us know I don’t have the courage to do that. Since then you’ve tried all your manipulative tactics to try and get me to message back. You’ve sent me over 300 text messages. You’ve faked doing something to yourself. Misspelling words saying you’re getting sleepy and then saying bad after not getting a response because you’ve faked that so many times before you literally said “hmph” you just wont let me move on will you. I just want you to stop but I know if I respond it’ll only egg you on more. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want all this pain to stop. Even though you were toxic for me it was still so extremely hard to kick you out of my life and you just won’t leave me alone. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[r-m-and-t]

Fears

Ugh we’ve only been dating a short amount of time but in about a month you’re leaving for college. I’m sooooo extremely happy for you! But at the same time I’m scared out of my mind. Since the day we met (back in November) we have never stopped talking not one single day. When we started dating in May it absolutely blew my mind. I would’ve never guessed you had feelings for me and I was in denial about my feelings for you. We were a beautiful mishap. Less then a year before that we were both in the same crowd and I kinda knew of you but I had never talked to you and barley knew you exsisted. Now we go on dates at least twice a week even if they’re just movie dates at your house or going skating on the trails but still I’m so used to spending time with you. Even though we’ve only been dating a short amount of time I honestly like you soooo much. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly this fast towards a guy before. You’re sooo incredible, funny and caring. You’ve brought me ice cream while I was sad, when I said I had a nightmare that left me really shook you called me as soon as you got out of work. You’re honestly so great I really lucked out. But now you’re leaving. 7-8 hours away. It’s going to be so difficult from seeing you so often to seeing you maybe 6-8 times during the school year. I’m scared we won’t make the long distance work. You keep assuring me that we will but you’ve never experienced that before. I trust you 100% I know you would never cheat on me but it’s scary to know you’re going to be meeting a ton of girls up there like let’s just be honest and you’re such a great catch I know girls are going to be flirting with you. I trust you but I’m also stupid and insecure and I let my anxiety get the best of my thoughts. I’m so scared I’m going to lose you. You’re going to move up there and meet a cute nice amazing chick and you’ll fall in love with her and forget all about me. You keep assuring me we’ll call often and video Skype and text and snap all day like we do now and that won’t change but I’m still so scared to lose you. I’m scared that we’ll drift apart. I know if you stayed that we could grow and be so strong but Idk if we’ve been together long enough to survive something like this. When you went on your cruise for two weeks I missed you sooooo much how am I going to go months without seeing you. What if school gets really busy and we just start drifting apart. What if you stop feeling the same way about me? What if the idea of dating a high school student becomes lame? What if coming back for prom seems trivial in your new life? I care about you so much. Babe I trust you 100% I really really hope we make it through this and I know at least right now you do too. I’m believe you and I know we’ll try our best and I hope this goes well. I want to believe it will. If it does I know we’ll have an amazing future together. I’ll miss you so much. Let’s enjoy our last month together and take it day by day after that

[r-m-and-t]

“The brave may not live very long but the cautious never live at all”

~TPD

[r-m-and-t]

The Line

Where do you draw the line between being a good girlfriend and being a pushover who gets walked all over? Where do you draw the line? When do you realize his happiness is taking too much of yours? When is his happiness not worth it anymore? When do you realize it’s one sided and you’ve been giving up way more then he has? When do you open your eyes and see the pile of morals you set aside because of him? When? Where? How? How do you know? Where is that line? When do you realize your self worth? When do you finally understand he’s just some stupid boy taking advantage of your kindness? When will you finally open your eyes?