midsummer's. the biggest kook event of every year. last year, you went with rafe. it was like prom. you matched---him in a baby blue suit, you in a baby blue dress and a flower crown with white and blue flowers. you still remember rafe's eyes, also blue, when they landed on you. and his breath in your ear later that night after you snuck out to have sex at his place. that dress was so much easier to get off than it was to put on.
this year, you're by yourself. and it's terrifying. rafe may not have been at any of the parties you've gone to lately, but surely he'll be at midsummer's. ward makes him go every year. except last year. last year, rafe went because you wanted him to, and he did, gladly.
standing in front of the mirror, staring at your reflection in a pale pink dress, you imagine rafe walking in with his hand on some girl's lower back. him dressed in another color, matching with her. smiling. making polite small talk with all of his father's business associates. having forgotten all about you.
you grow nauseous and dizzy. you scramble for your phone to call sarah but stop yourself and take a deep breath. she knows how tough this is for you. when you hung out the other day, she asked you, "you gonna be okay?"
you weren't sure, but you nodded. you're going to need a lot to drink, which is exactly how you spend your time from the moment you walk into the country club with your parents. it seems as though you're here before the camerons, and you get to enjoy some time without having to worry. if your parents are worried about you, it doesn't show.
and then you realize; rafe would probably come to the bar once he's here. he could be here any moment. if you look through the crowd and spot ward, rose, or sarah, then rafe is here lurking about.
you turn around and are startled to see rafe already staring at you from across the room. the first thing you notice is the clearness, the brightness, in his eyes. he's not high. he hasn't been drinking. and when you make eye contact, he smiles. like a firework exploding inside your chest.
your hands shake, your heart pounds. all these months, you've been picturing the first time seeing him again. where you would be, how you would look, what it might be like to talk to him. now that he's here, in person, you freeze.
he nods at you to meet him at the door. like your feet have a mind of their own, you glide straight to the entrance without a single thought, forgetting your drink on the bar.
rake makes his way through the crowd with his unsteady hands in his pockets. this year is so different from last year, but the sight of you makes him swell from the inside out. your lips wobble as you fight back a smile and fail. a rush of heat blooms up rafe's neck and all over his face. now it's just you two, away from the crowd.
"you look beautiful," he says, gently.
you're like a kid again with a crush. it's such a relief to see rafe vibrant and alive and dateless, but it seems almost too good to be true.
"you look good," you tell him. it feels good to mean it.
he gives a proud smile then glances over his shoulder and says, "let's go for a walk."
you'd point out that you're in heels, but right now you'd do anything to be alone with rafe. so, you lift your dress and follow him out the double doors. he holds his hand out for you as you descend the stairs. your hand slips into his, gracefully, like a puzzle piece, and you almost pull away at the electric feel it sends through your body.
your feet crunch against the gravel, the party sounds fading as you head towards the dark parking lot. at the camerons' car, you lean back and rafe stands before you. his eyes dance all up your body.
"i was nervous about coming," you say.
"i thought, maybe, you wouldn't be here."
"how'd that make you feel?" he leans in just slightly, but it's enough to make your breath catch.
his foot moves against the gravel. "you know, i got better. it's not like last summer."
you nod. all of your unanswered questions come bubbling up, fill your brain until you can't think straight. this is it. you could ask him every last question you've had in the last year, but you're terrified of the answers.
"you seem better," you say.
"haven't had a drop in months. i've been working with my dad, doing a lot. he's actually kind of proud of me. for once."
he snorts, as though this is funny, but you're genuinely happy for him. "rafe, that's great." but you keep thinking, at any moment he's going to tell you he started seeing someone.
"and, uh, the coke, you know, i haven't... well, i don't do as much anymore."
rafe looks at you for your reaction, hoping to see some sign in your eyes that you're ready to take him back.
"i've been wanting to tell you that for a long time," he says, bashfully.
you smile. "that's awesome. i'm really happy to hear that."
so take me back. it feels right that that would be the next thing to say. rafe waits for you to mention getting back together, or at least mention that your wish for him last year was to get better before you take him back. i'm good now, he begs. i got my shit together. take me back take me back take me back.
rafe clears his throat. "so, you're here with your parents."
you hold your breath. he's going to ease into it. he's going to ask about you first to try and cushion the blow. yeah, you might say. and he might respond, i met someone. she's here.
"i... am," you say. "but everyone else i know is here, too." your girlfriend?
rafe nods. it's quiet for a long time. the tension rises in the space between you, and you start to get nervous. "maybe we should--"
he stares at your horrified expression, waits for it to change, to soften. he hopes to see your smile, but it doesn't come. and then he worries. this was all for nothing. all those party invites he declined. all those glares topper gave him when he turned down some great coke. even ward's proud smile at rafe, something he'd never gotten before, doesn't do anything for rafe now.
it's a long time before you find your voice. "i, um... that's..." what the hell do you say to that? it rattles you, the confession. "for me?"
he nods. "i wanted you to think better of me." he reaches out for you but hesitates and pulls back, smoothes a hand over his head. "i hoped... i hoped it would change your mind. about us."
you try to breathe in, but it doesn't get very deep. so rafe isn't seeing anyone. he didn't come with a date. "you're not here with anyone?"
his brow furrows. "what? no. no, of course not. why would you think that?"
"i thought... i don't know, i thought you'd moved on."
rafe grabs your hands. "i haven't. i haven't thought about anyone but you. i got better for you, so we could be together."
"and i'm better. you don't have to worry."
"seriously." and just like an old habit, he slides his hands onto your waist and steps closer so your hips touch. you can feel him there, and it makes it harder to breathe. "i don't want anybody else."
it's such a relief, you could burst into tears if you let yourself. this is all so familiar, but it's been such a long time.
rafe presses his forehead against yours. "please say something."
when you broke up with rafe last year, you were sure that would be it. "it was so hard getting over you." your voice wavers. "and then i didn't hear about you. i was worried you weren't mine anymore." but it's hard to believe he still is after all this time.
"no, but i am," he whispers, urgently. "i'm all yours."
your vision blurs. you duck your head, but rafe lifts your chin and makes you look at him. he leans in, slowly, and kisses you. it's firm but not forceful. your lips remember him and want more. rafe must feel it because he opens his mouth to kiss you again, but you press your hands against his chest.
he looks at you, confused.
"i want to," you say. "but i also don't want to move too quickly." you don't want rafe to fall back into all of his old ways at once.
he nods, even though he looks disappointed.
to prove to him you're still his, you peck him on the lips and smile. "i didn't move on. i tried to, but... i couldn't."
rafe's hand falls from your waist. "did you see anybody?"
"no." you let out a breath of relief. that you can say with confidence. you're happy to tell him you haven't been with anybody else. "i told you, it was too hard."
rafe grins from ear-to-ear.
"we should go back to the party," you say.
his smile fades. he nods.
"come on." you take him by the hand and, slowly, silently, you stroll back through the dark to the country club. before you go your separate ways, you say, "let's just take things slow this time, okay?"
but "taking things slow" for rafe is waiting just a few hours before showing up at your door like all those months ago. except, this time he isn't drunk. he hasn't done any coke.
your bedroom light is on. your parents' cars are parked in the driveway, so rafe has to be quiet. he sneaks around the side of the house, grabs a handful of gravel in the dark, and tosses it up at your window.
you jump. you know right away what it is---who it is. you pause your movie and leap out of bed. rafe has another handful ready, but when he sees you leaning out, he stops and smiles.
"i'll let you in," you whisper-yell.
both of you scurry to the front door. rafe's heart is pounding, leaping with joy, when you open the heavy door and let him in.
you hold a finger to your lips. "you have to be quiet. my parents are sleeping."
the stairs creak under both of your weight. you reach back for rafe's hand, trying to keep your breath steady, but you're too excited.
the smell of your perfume hits rafe when he walks into your room. everything is pretty much the same as last year; your bed is still to the right against the wall. your poster of your favorite band is tacked up on your closet door, lopsided now. and every surface is still messy with all of your things; tangled jewelry, dead flowers hosted by glass perfume bottles, unfinished self-help books left open, facedown, and clothes. lots of clothes, some dirty, some only pulled from the closet and tried on then tossed aside.
you gently close your door. a rush of giddiness overwhelms you for a moment as you approach rafe's backside. he hasn't said a word since coming into your house. it's a lot like last year, but it feels different, somehow.
he's still dressed in his pants from midsummers, but he's removed his suit jacket and now only has on a white shirt. the moment you walked in, which was three hours ago, you changed into comfy clothes, undid your hair, and removed every bit of make up. rafe still thinks you're more beautiful than ever.
you both stand there like a couple of middle schoolers at a dance, but rafe desperately wants to touch you, and you want to feel him just to know for sure that this isn't a dream. you've imagined this moment for so long; rafe appearing in the night like he did that one time last summer, but he's healed.
"they think i'm at topper's." he blushes. "i can be here as long as possible."
you relax. as long as you're not too loud, your parents will never know.
"i'm glad that you're here." you slide your finger around a bracelet on his wrist and give it a gentle tug. this contact alone makes you giddy.
"i kept thinking about that kiss earlier," he says, with a smile. "i wanted to do it again."
your heart swells. it's the perfect thing to say. everything about tonight has been unexpectedly perfect. "you wanna kiss me?" for some reason, it's hard to believe this is happening.
rafe nods, and he grazes his fingers against your jawline---those perfectly, boney, boyish fingers---pushes your back, and pulls you in for a firm kiss.
you melt. rafe breathes for what feels like the first time in a long time. your bodies come together, his chest firm against your breasts. he can feel them pressed into him, and he pulls your hips closer with a hand on your lower back so you can feel him down there; what the familiar feel of your mouth is doing to him.
he rocks both of you side-to-side until you hit the edge of your bed. you're both hungry for one another, kissing slowly but more aggressively. you sit on the bed and undo rafe's jeans. he smiles down at you, admires your shaky fingers as they work quickly.
rafe pulls his shirt off. you get his bottoms down just enough that he's out, and he's already hard. just like old times. so easy. you wrap your hand around his base but take your time. it's been a year. rushing through this will lessen the enjoyment.
rafe's eyes are glossy. he traces shapes along your cheek with his fingertip. "that feels so good," he murmurs, as you start to massage him.
you start with the flat of your tongue, teasing his tip. rafe seethes. then your lips come around him, just the end.
"fuck." he grits his teeth.
you swirl your tongue around his tip, and he clamps his hand down hard on your shoulder. he tries to force himself deeper into your mouth, but you pull back with a big, wet pop! and he curses.
precum leaks out, and rafe hopes you don't tease him for it. he's so easy when it comes to you. you're the only girl he ever thought about, even when he had the chance to be with another girl.
he helps you out of your top, and lucky for him, you're braless. your tits fall out, and rafe's mouth salivates. you smile like you know exactly what he's thinking.
you surprise rafe by sliding him all the way into your mouth. he clamps his hand down on your shoulder and tilts his head back. "holy shit."
you take your time, sucking hard, running your tongue flat against him, just teasing him with a graze of your teeth, which makes him shudder. his grip tightens on your shoulder as he tries not to lose his balance. but he's getting too excited, and you're going too slow, so he pushes his bottoms all the way down, his hands shaking.
he desperately grabs at your bottoms, clawing at your skin, and yanks them down your legs before he tosses them aside. he crawls over you, devouring your lips with his.
"have to be quiet," you whisper.
rafe's dick is pressed against him. when he settles down on you, you can feel every bit of him and gasp. you reach back and clutch one of the iron-wrought beams on your headboard. rafe kisses up your breast bone and laughs against your skin when he realizes how easy this is, to pull this reaction out of you.
he smiles to himself. "nobody else has touched you?"
rafe slides his warm hand up your stomach---they're nearly the same size---you've missed his big, boyish hands and how they glide around your body like drizzled chocolate. he massages your breast and groans with hunger. all at once, he wants to devour you. whole.
he moves his body against yours, and when you moan from the feel of his cock against your belly, he grins. "you seem a little too easy," he says. "have you not touched yourself?"
you did last night, and this afternoon when you took a shower. but, it's the first time since you broke up with rafe that someone else has touched you like this, and it sets your body ablaze. so much so that you lose your voice.
"huh?" more tender kisses down your body, lower and lower.
your legs bend and clench the farther down he goes. and he goes achingly slow, taking his time with each wet kiss on your exposed skin. for a moment, you think you may not make it past foreplay.
"just you," you pant, and you cup the back of his warm neck.
the muscles in rafe's arms and back move as he shifts farther down and then breathes on your clit. you whimper, which doesn't surprise rafe but excites him. it's exactly what he wanted, and now it's his turn to make you feel good.
he grabs a handful of the fleshy part of your thigh---that alone makes your body clench. "relax," he says, and he kisses your inner thighs, a kiss on each one, just a little bit of teeth.
it would be less torture if he just slid himself inside you right now. you almost tell him to because this teasing is unbearable. but when rafe wants to take his time, no amount of convincing will hurry him. especially when it comes to you, to this.
he starts the same way you did; teasing with the flat of his tongue. he flicks it up and down your clit, just barely, and your legs clench on either side of his head. he laughs, sinking his mouth into you and sucking.
you gasp loudly and clutch at the sheets. you'd strangle him with your thighs if he wasn't keeping them apart with his fingers dug into your flesh.
rafe tugs you down and puts his whole mouth on you, lets out a breathy moan, which reverberates from your core all through your body. and then he grazes the tip of his tongue along the edge of your opening. you quiver and melt on him. he sucks harder until his cheeks hollow, teasing you the way you did him---you may never make that mistake again.
"mm, you taste so good, fuck." rafe comes up for air for a moment then goes back down, opening his mouth wider, swirling his tongue around until you're writhing and whimpering.
he sticks his tongue inside.
"oh my god." you clutch his shoulder and push against him with one of your thighs. but he's stronger. he grunts and pushes against your weight.
he moves his tongue around inside you. when you instinctively fight against him, he only goes harder. your back arches. one of your heels digs into the bed, but still rafe keeps going.
he hasn't tasted you since before you broke up. he hadn't even thought of doing this when you had sex last because he was so upset over losing you, and so coked out. you're sweeter than he remembers. any precum of yours, he licks it right up.
but it's getting to be too much. for both of you. if rafe keeps this up, you may actually come. and rafe is throbbing to be inside of you---your noises are driving him crazy.
he stops, and your muscles spasm. you were so close.
rafe climbs over you, and you watch him quickly stroke himself---although, he couldn't be any harder, and his own precum has leaked out---before he frantically pushes his tip inside of you.
but you haven't had sex since you broke up with Rafe. It's been a year. "slow," you say. "it hurts."
he nods with a hungry look in his eyes, and holding onto your hip, rafe slowly pushes himself in. your walls tighten around him as he fills you up. the pain is highly noticeable but it doesn't make you make him stop. he fits inside you like you're made for each other.
rafe stops and shudders. this is going to be difficult for both of you.
he lowers himself against you and starts slow, rolling his hips so he gets in deep. and, again, it hurts. you gasp at the ceiling but clutch onto rafe for support. his breath is heavy and humid in your ear, but it keeps you focused on the good feeling that's slowly replacing the pain.
you're warm and tight around him. he hasn't felt this in so long. for months, he's only depended on his hand and his imagination, which got the job done, but this. this is so much better.
"you can go faster," you say.
but rafe already feels so good, he's afraid he won't last much longer if he does. he doesn't want you to know that, though. he doesn't want to be that easy. so, he lifts himself up but only picks up the pace slightly. hopefully, you don't notice that he's already struggling.
he kisses your neck to distract you and turn you on. but then you grab his ass with your hand to give him a hint, and rafe nips at your skin. he tugs your earlobe between his teeth then leaves sloppy kisses along your jawline. your mouths meet for a slow make out.
rafe stops moving and stills inside of you. you smile softly at him. "i can't believe this is happening," you say. "i can't believe you're here."
he can't believe it either. he thought, for sure, you wouldn't take him back, not even for a night like this. "i missed you."
"i missed you, too." it hits you, suddenly, how much you've missed rafe. it would never be like this with someone else.
you slide your arms around his neck. after a moment, rafe starts rolling his hips into you again. you moan.
this time, rafe goes faster, trying hard not to focus on the good feeling growing inside him. instead, he focuses on his unsteady breathing and keeping a steady rhythm. but then you let out a little noise, which punctures his streak. he falters for a moment then rolls his hips even faster. your noises get louder. rafe reaches down between your bodies and massages your clit in hopes it'll get you closer.
and it does. your legs bend on either side of him, but you want him deeper. "rafe," you breathe, and you move yourself farther down. "more."
he pushes in further until your teeth clench. you melt into the bed with a long, satisfied, "mmm," but that makes rafe go harder and pushes you into the mattress.
you smoothe a hand over his head. "hey," you whisper. "look at me."
but rafe refuses. if he does, he may lose it. so, he ignores you, keeps his forehead against your collarbone. after a minute, he lifts your thigh up, up over his shoulder and rolls in deeper, harder. his bone cracks and his breath heavies. he wants to ask you if you're close, but he can't find his voice.
you focus on the sound of his panting, which always turns you on. you could get yourself off just to the sound of his labored breath in your ear. he's lost in his own head, too focused to look at you.
the bed creaks. you arch your back so your breasts are pressed against rafe's toned chest. he's as close as he could possibly get, and yet you want him closer. you don't ever want him to pull out.
"want me to get on top?" you say.
he's silent for a moment like he didn't hear you, and then he pulls you with him by your hip and rolls both of you over. just like that, you're on top.
your hair falls perfect and messy around your shoulders---you look beautiful. rafe adjusts himself, lifting his hips up into you and squeezing your waist. his chest gleams with sweat.
you run your hands up and down his torso, smiling. "i think you're stronger than last time."
he smirks. he's spent a lot more time at the gym since cutting down on drugs and partying.
"you could've held me down if you wanted to," you say. but you're just thinking out loud. you want to see him writhe from underneath.
rafe slides his hand up and massages your breast as you rock on him. "you're doing a really good job, baby." his voice is coarse, like how it is in the mornings. he can all be yours again---the thought thrills you, and you bounce on him, faster, harder.
to tease him further, you tilt your head back, let your hair tickle his legs, which makes him groan. when you're not looking, rafe surprises you by massaging your clit, and your thighs clamp against his hips. he grabs your stomach. both of you are getting close. the bedsprings squeak underneath, but quietly enough that your parents won't hear down the hall.
you roll your hips, lean forward so now your hair is in rafe's face the way he likes it and you get him deeper inside.
"fuck, keep going, keep going," he says. he sounds really close.
"i can't wait to come on you." you smile.
at that, rafe helps you bounce on him, gritting his teeth.
you lower your voice. "alllll around you."
with a grunt, rafe sits up so you're chest-to-chest. he wraps an arm around you, bends his knees, tries desperately to help you go faster and then sits back and lifts his hips. "shit."
you clench around him, over and over.
he chokes. "oh, fuck." he watches; your breasts as they bounce, your hardened nipples, the flesh on your thighs jiggle. "god, you're so sexy. you're so fucking beautiful, and you feel so good."
rafe grabs one of your breasts and sucks on your nipple. his mouth is like a vacuum. he teases you with his teeth. your mouth draws open, your nose wrinkles. you close your eyes and focus on the sensation, like a flower blooming from your breast, coursing through the rest of your body.
you're on the verge of tears, and it's evident in your voice as you say, "i want it so bad, rafe. rafe."
"let go for me, baby. let me feel it."
whenever you come, rafe will follow quickly. he's always been easy like that.
he squeezes your outer thighs and watches your face. he loves to watch you when you come, loves to see it take over your whole body. the idea that his dick has such a powerful effect over you makes him dizzy and sensitive to the touch.
the moment you feel yourself falling off the edge, letting go around him, you let out every noise that comes bubbling up from inside. you clutch onto rafe, dig your nails into his skin until it turns red. your thighs clench against him, and when it's too much, you whine like a baby.
rafe's breath heavies, his chest rising and falling, and then he quickly clutches onto your waist, his hips buck up, and he comes with you. behind you, his legs shakes back and forth. he grunts---he can't stop coming. when he thinks he's almost done, he keeps going. even once you've finished.
but feeling his warm liquid inside of you, you moan and rock on him until you can't anymore. when you come down, you hold onto one another, catch your breaths.
rafe flops back on your bed with his eyes shut.
you lean over him and kiss up his chest. he moans, satisfied.
"i don't ever want to make love to anybody else," you tell him. you're drunk on his effect.
rafe tucks your hair behind your ears. "you're taking me back?"
"i don't know, are you all mine?"
you peck him on the lips; once, twice, three times. he throws his arms around you, pulls you down and onto the bed, then throws his leg over yours so you're locked in his embrace. for a moment, you stare at one another. his breath is loud in the small space between you.
"stay tonight," you whisper.
