I always think about how I gave up transitioning 3 years ago and entered a severe depression, all because I didn't wanted to burden my mother with me being trans. I thought I was being sneaky bc she already knew and her reaction was terrible, I thought that since she didn't know anything about gender she wouldn't know why I wasn't getting better. Then, one day I mentioned to her that even though I look like a girl now that wasn't a phase. And she goes "yeah, I known you're getting worse and I imagined that might be the cause"
She never researched or tried to talk to me, she knew that I have a s*icide history. All that because she thought I was working on it with my therapist (I wasn't because I live in a very rural area and the ones here known shit about gender and I already knew what would make it better, I had an idea at least) but I couldn't talk to me therapist about because the only solution would not be what she wanted. Now I'm paying for a therapist specialized in lgbt and I think that I've wasted most of my youth trying to be less of a problem to everyone and almost took my own life because I became a problem to me. I wanted to live my younger years as the person I was meant to be, instead I became a ghost long since dead. A shadow of what I used to be. I'm 26 and I feel old, everything would start later in life because in my country you can take hormones early but if you want surgery for free, it takes around 9 years because of several tests and the amount of people waiting in line. So those 3 years costed me.... Almost costed my life and costed the life I could've have.
If you're not in a safe environment, I totally understand. But if what's stopping you is your family's approval, just do your thing. If they love they will support you and if they try to put the blame on everything wrong with your family on you transitioning, I'm sorry to tell you this but they didn't love you. They just liked the dutiful child that would neglect themselves and shoulder the weight of the world for them. The child who did all the emotional labour. The moment you start understanding that you are a person with needs and should prioritize your health, being mentally or physically, over other people's feelings because you have feelings too, everything becomes lighter. It will hurt, it will be difficult. But it's worth it
theartofmadeline
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