The Ramblings of a Peanut

I have no one and nothing, so welcome to my one-sided therapy session.

[ramblingpeanut]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even loveable? I'm trans masculine and I find myself mostly attracted to men. But all I think of is them being disgusted when they find out what I am. I don't necessarily tell people I'm trans and actually actively hide it, so it's terrifying. A gay man would be disappointed, but a straight man wouldn't see me the way I want to be seen. A cis man might not ever understand, and a trans man might just see me just like him.

I just feel like it'd be easier not to date, but I'm lonely and really want someone to love me. Its quite the frustrating conundrum.

[ramblingpeanut]

I'm Tired

I'm tired of everyone dumping their feelings around me. I'm tired of people claiming they understand when they so clearly don't. Every time I talk about it, the people I talk to claim "they're the same way" but then act in ways that makes it clear they're not.

Now I don't want to invalidate what they're feeling, clearly they feel something too. But it makes me wonder that maybe, even to those who claim to be like me, I'm a freak.

I'm an "empath" or whatever. I have a higher affinity for reading and even taking on other people's feelings. I have no control over it, I just feel like an empty cell until I'm around other people, mimicking what they feel until I'm so overwhelmed I want to break.

I talk about it with many people, searching for someone to give me answers or to even understand, but everytime they tell me "they're the same way", I observe that really, they aren't. I don't want to tell them they aren't empaths, because clearly they do feel some semblance of the label... but it makes me wonder if I'm something else entirely.

[ramblingpeanut]

I hate my art

Well, not really. The creation of my art is something I have always enjoyed. I've been drawing since hell knows when, persuing art like a wolf in a deer herd.

But I hate my art. Nothing i create is good, especially recently. It's scaring me, because I'm going to college for art and if none of my stuff is good now, how will I ever catch up to my peers? How will I make money this way, if even my own sister (who usually supports the hell out of me) hates my art?

I will never achieve my dreams, because no matter what I do, I seem to only get worse.

[ramblingpeanut]

Not my Home

This home is not a home

The same four wall I’ve always known

My steps on the floor echo

This house is not my home

The colours are so similar

This room eerily familiar

I see my reflection in the glass

This house is not my home

My shelves on the walls

My mother’s voice calls

This room is unfamiliar 

This house is not my home

What happened to my desk

My art, books-- the rest

I stare at my ceiling

This house is not my home

Nothing’s left of who I was

A canvas for my mother’s cause

I look at the place that was once mine

This house is not my home

Where can I find my place

In this strangely empty space

I’m all alone now

This house is not my home

[ramblingpeanut]

"I love you"

“I love you” they say

As my home is torn away

You might love me

But only for a fee

“I love you” they say

As they take my rights away

You might love me

But not enough to let me be

“I love you” they say

As they take my freedom away

You might love me

But only if it makes you happy

[ramblingpeanut]

College

To get it out of the way, I go to school in the USA.

As you probably just thought, yes, it's expensive. So expensive, in fact, that I can't get through it without working. Which is fine, you know, unless you can't find a job literally anywhere.

I'm also an out of stater because my parents are well known in my state. Sucks that even with Financial Aid AND a scholarship, I'm still unable to get through college without a loan, a job, or sometimes both.

Hell, I don't even have a meal plan (about 2-3k dollars) but I'm still 4,000 dollars in debt right now. It's so bad that I can't even afford my testosterone. My friends have had to cover my food almost all semester.

It's definitely not for a lack of trying, as I have dozens of applications out to jobs I can work. Hell, I've even tried less..... acceptable jobs. My morals apparently make me broke.

I'm so tried all the time now. I think with the change of weather, seasonal depression, and obviously the malnutrition from nothing but chicken, white rice, and black beans.... My body seems to think I'm trying to go into hibernation.

College sucks, it's expensive and time consuming. I have decided that I'm going to take a gap semester and live with my (not accepting of my gender identity) parents. I'm very thankful to my parents for allowing me to do so, it just sucks that I have to.

But don't let all of the Basic™ college stories fool you, it's okay to not go to college instantly. It's okay to change colleges, and it's okay to take gap years and semesters in-between. Not everything is linear, and your course of action is yours.

[ramblingpeanut]

Your Parents Don't Own You

I'll say it again: Your Parents Don't Own You.

There's many people on this planet who wish to hold the rights to control others. For some reason, these people are allowed to have kids. They wish so badly to control something, they spawn some poor fleshy creature that, for the first 8 to 12 years of having it, hold no free will.

They dress these flesh sacks up in clothes they like and make them compete in hobbies they enjoy. And then these little fleshy sacks of energy experience something that made the Angels in the Bible jealous: Free Will.

And God forbid they use it. "Sorry, I don't want to wear that, I don't want to do this anymore." Words of the Devil. These flesh bags now resemble something human, and like hell these people will let that slide.

They put us on leashes, decorate them with pretty things and call it "parenting". We're trained like dogs: sit, stay, shake, lay. They take us to the groomers, train us daily.

But the thing about humans is we are not dogs. A shocking fact, I know. But these people so desperately want us to be, because they need control, they need power.

You can buy dogs, you can own them. But last time I checked, birth is not the purchase of a child. And owning a human? Well, we all know what that's called.

You do not owe your parents for making you.

You do not owe your parents for raising you.

And you do not serve your parents, because they do not own you.

[ramblingpeanut]

Trans Tape

Lord have mercy. Me and trans tape are not getting along.

Some background: I have pretty bad acid reflux and Binding does not help. I also was in a car accident and it damaged some of my chest so binding really ain't fun. A friend let me use his tape and well-- lord tape is an adventure.

For people considering tape, let me tell you the things I've learned thus far:

Tape is STICKY AS FUCK. At first, it's not bad, but once it's sat on your body for a while it's basically part of your skin. When taking it off, don't be like me. Even if you have a high pain tolerance, just use oil. It's not a big deal, the oil helps. Don't let your pride get in the way like I did. I just... tore it off. Bad plan. Skin came off.

Tape that's incorrectly applied can be ITCHY. And when I say itchy I don't mean like "oh it itches every now and then" no I mean bug bite itchy. Try your best to apply it as smooth as you can, the more wrinkles the more itch. Don't forget to cut off loose bits as you wear it, because that can 1. decrease the time you can wear it and 2. increase itchiness.

Nipple Guards also itch. Use toilet paper instead (I use lotion on one side to help it adhere to my skin). It's less itchy and cheaper!

These are my findings thus far. I use pretty thin tape so I think next time I'll try some larger pieces. Might update my Trans Tape journey soon. Any tips are welcomed <3

[livthesleepdeprived]

quick reminder that my own gay ass genuinely supports the hell outta each and every one of you. regardless if i know you or not, im happy to be living in this shithole of a life in the same world with you.

and im proud of you, i know in my heart just how beautiful, amazing, talented, smart, and worthy you are and i hope you can see that too🏳️‍🌈🌈

[ramblingpeanut]

T tip

Don't skip your injection.

I'm kinda a little dumb sometimes and I also struggle with depression and (maybe?) undiagnosed ADHD. I forget things a lot and also have no motivation. That being said, sometimes I forget or don't want to take my shot. To combat the forgetfulness, I have a reminder.

Sometimes I ignore the reminder because I don't want to get up.

I then forget for the rest of the day....week... and suddenly it's the next injection day.

This problem of mine caused me to skip a few too many injections and let me tell ya, that shit can be taken away from ya so fast. I'm very close to a year on T and well-- my period was basically gone at month 4.

Guess who's back!!

Don't skip injections, you got this 🫶

[gay-little-izzet]

Made this a while back and never posted it, but I figured I should now that I actually started T!!!

(Not a self portrait, this is just some guy)

[ramblingpeanut]

I don't like people knowing I'm Trans.

Im an art major in college and am surrounded by LGBTQIA+ people. Which is completely fine, but the problem comes from the fact they don't see me as "a gay art dude", they see me as a "trans gay art dude". My dysphoria hates it, because suddenly everything is about my gender. I'm not a guy, I'm a trans guy.

This is my first post on this blog and I know no one will see it but I've created this to ramble about the struggles I go through as a trans guy that I don't want to talk about because I hate being seen as trans by people who know me.

[antiqueanimals]

Nanuk: Lord of the Ice. Written by Brian J. Heinz. Illustrated by Gregory Manchess. 1998.

[ramblingpeanut]

pretty :0

[dogposts]

The happiness to see her wheels. (via)