the world of tears

[redlipsofpoetry]

Mirrors of yours

Tell me that I'm pretty

Tell that i matter

Tell me that I'm enough

Tell that I'm not too much

Hug me tight every tme

Touch all of my body parts

Put your hands on my stomach

That's not flat and tight

Cup my breasts in your hands

Despite them not being identical

Kiss the insides of my thighs

That chaffes every time

Move your hands up my legs

Touching every scar I have

Grip my ass that's not tight

Trail your fingers up my back that's a home for my back rolls

Massage my shoulders and down my arms where's the skin is not smooth bug covered in little bumps and scars from the darkest period of my life

Kiss my every finger and the insides of my hands that caused so much pain

Bring then to my lips and order me to kiss them too

Grab my wrists pull me closer

Turn me around to face my reflexion in the mirror

Keep me in place

Keep me present

Keep my looking though it hurts

It hurts to look at myself and hate what I see

It hurts not to be able to cover what's too big

It hurts to see all those scars and not see the me that felt as if she deserved what was happening to her

It hurts to realize that I'm still that me

I'm still hurting myself though in a different way

A way that doesn't leave a scar on my skin

A way that's a quiet cry for help

Though not loud enough for others to understand

Hear my cry that's a whisper

Look me in the eyes

Without disgust

Without hate

Look at me and tell me you're there

Though it all

Promise me you'll see me at my worst

Promise me that even though I'll push you away you'll stay

That you will be there to push me back up

To make me see mysef though your eyes

To make me feel the way you feel

To make me love myself as much as you love me in my imperfect body and the disordered state of mind

Tell me I'm pretty

Tell me that I matter

Tell me that I'm enough

Tell me that I'm not too much...

[redlipsofpoetry]

Death feels right at this point

Blood tastes better this Fall

Lights on the graves shine like diamonds this time of a year

Hell feels more like home than those four walls

Devil is more like a father than mine has ever been

God has abandoned me so maybe my demon daddy can fill in

[redlipsofpoetry]

Loving you is like dancing on the edge of the roof

Like playing with fire in a pool of gasoline

One wrong move and I'm gone

Loving you it's a torture

But here I am looking down at the city

It's the middle of the night

I'm freezing

It's dark

the only light that surrounds me

with the clicking sound

is the lighter

fire that come within

one wrong move and I'm gone

I take a step too far

the wind blows

fire catches my clothes

and i'm gone

[redlipsofpoetry]

ZOMBIE

I was supposed to be better by now I should have been skinnier by now I sholud have but I couldn't be further from that I lie to keep my apperances high but deep deep inside I'm bleeding out day by day I'm loosing my strength what's left of my broken heart rottens I'm a livig corpse A real life zombie but instade of eating brains I consume my weight in food instade of chasing my prey I work out till my body gives out praying for somebody to realise how sick I am how much I need to be stopped before I commit a crime before I'll kill for the first time but not some random person who strayed too far from home after dark but the clostest creature to my heart I need somebody to kill me, the monster in me before I take matters into my own hands before I slice my veins open before I swallow way to many pills before all that's left of me ends up hanging from the roof I'm a real life zombie I need to be put down I need to die

[redlipsofpoetry]

Slut's mind

I get addicted way to easily Love way to deeply Hate too wholeheartedly Regret with all that I am still not being able to go away hurt my body or my soul hurt them both bring me pain kill me over and over again I'll stay There's noting that can hurt me more than my own thoughts my hands my mind or my fucked up sense of self control that's nonexistent I overthink every single thing and then I risk everything doing quite the opposite You and me on that table? that was my inner slut of a demon setting herself free she needed to feed with alcohol running through my veins for the first time ever I couldn't hold her off I didn't want her to stop For once I just wanted to breathe with my whole chest and enjoy myself You were just on the right time in a right place wearing a perfume that made me go crazy you and me? More toxic than the venom of the deadliest Satan's child but god we were fun and then once again my nature got in the way I got hooked hooked on you I sold my body sold my soul gave up on them just to hold you closer keep you from going away but despite all that you still managed to vanish into thin air and once again I found myself on my knees begging for a little bit of your attention I couldn't breathe without you being near me I'd been waiting for days, weeks, months one text then te next one It was my monologue you had already moved on desperation of an addict slut's sex drive and the scent of those enchanted perfume of yours The mixture that imprisoned me I've managed to get free but even now in the middle of the night my thoughts circle back to you sometimes It hurts less day by day maybe one day it will all go away maybe one day I won't be able to remember your name but you were my first in many ways maybe I should rather cherish our time together and smile while looking back than over-analyze every second of that night?

[redlipsofpoetry]

Just one year longer

I cannot sleep

I didn't eat a single thing today or was it maybe yesterday

It's 3 am and I'm watching what I eat in a day's

I'm not ok

For the past 5 days I've been binging on almost everything

I hated that

but now that I've managed not to eat anything

I hate the growling of hunger echoing inside the four walls of my bedroom

It feels like I've lost even though everything inside me was screaming that's a victory

but since when starving yourself comes with a gold medal

a trophy with what dedication?

to the sickest person in the room?

for most troubling ways of dealing with eating disorder

I want to be better

but recovery means dealing with all of the emotions and traumatic experiences I've been bottling up for years

like when and where do I even start

I keep on promising myself that once I've turned 18 I'll find myself a specialist and I'll work tirelessly on getting my life back

just one year

7 th year of my disease

7 th year of depression

7 th year of binging and restricting deadly cycle

just one year left the lucky 7th maybe I'll make it to 18 maybe I won't end up in a coffin

[redlipsofpoetry]

Never getting back what I've lost that night

Can this be considered a rape if I said yes at first?

followed him into the woods

but then all I wanted to to is run

run, run like I've never had before

run and never look back

because there was no going back

Once his lips touched my I wanted to die

I still remember the taste of his saliva

I felt sick when he slipped his tounge inside my mouth

He undressed me in those woods

I lost my favorite scarf that night

never got it back

seems like a metafor of what was goinig on inside my head once he took of my pants

I' ve never felt worse than when his tounge colided with the most delicate part of my body

My world was slipping away from my feet

I feel down on the ground with him on top of me

I p;ayed my part in this masquarade

I put my mask back on

I was a horny whore

I turn into a porn star

Moaned and trembled, rolled my eyes

All so he would be satisfied

The truth being mortyfying emptiness consuming every inch of what was left of me

Once I "reached the culmination"

He wanted me to get on my knees in front of him

My heart dropped

I was alone in the woods with a man twice my age

I was so scared but I knew I couldn't let him see that

so once again I put on a mask

This time I turned into narcisistic little bitch

I touched him once and then I laughed

I laughed at his face while screaming in pain inside

The pain was so strong it felt like I was dying

And then I fled

Completly disapeard

Leaving him in those woods to do God know what

The worst part was seeing my friend's face once the word got out

that I and her dad…

Adults were supposed to protect us

Not take us to the woods to do unspeakable thing to our still developing bodies

Yes, it was a party

Yes, I wasn't wearing many clothes

Yes, I danced with him

Yes, I was drunk

"she was asking for it" they'll say

Dear God I said yes

He didn't force me to go into the woods

So I'm too to blame for the whole situation

But still I feel as if I didn't consent

I feel like what he's done was worse than killing me with a dull knife

Because of him I lost something than was mine and mine only

I lost my scarf and I'm never getting it back

[redlipsofpoetry]

devil's to claim

I've undressed for men way to many times in the seventeen years of my life I've started way to early and there was no getting back I was eleven years old when I first took my top of And with every year more and more clothes has come undone From messages to pictures From pictures to videos From videos to voice messages And so on The toxic circle of sick devotion keeps turning with every turn I burn burn and burn on my way to hell I wonder when my life became so sinful was I always this way but I was hiding it away? I was a good child a curious one but overall a good girl "good girl" the meaning of those words is diffrent now A good girl is not good at all they call me a good girl when I do as they say when I get naked for them I' ve been good when I spread my legs so he could have a taste I've been good the I tied a ribbon on my neck calling myself a present for his birthday I' ve been good when I rolled my eyes as the vibrator slipped inside I'm not gonna lie It felt awesome till it didn't I felt wanted pretty sexy I felt admired Everyone likes that And I'm a attention seeking whore so it was like heaven to me But I was quick to realise that no whore enters the gold gates of heaven Burning away in hell that's the destiny of every slut But that's a good thing I think Devil knows no mercy no mercy so no stopping in the middle no stopping means quick and multipale orgasms and that's the meaning of life of every nymphomaniac Two months after I was born I was baptised in the christian church I was God's child I'd prayed every day to the Father of All I'd confessed all my sins during monthly confession I was one of His fircesed disciples But one day I strayed from His path and stumbled across the patch of night from that very moment I 've been living a life filled with haterd and lust From that very moment I was no longer his daughter I layed with the devil himself I' ve given away no only my soul but also the hollines of my body Cause you see I wasn't that bad till the king of hell has had me I was a virgin this whole time No one has ever fucked me right That's the reason of all this I suppose I was not good enough for heaven but still not bad enoug to enter hell I was alone in the woods with no one to run to They say that god has a plan for all of us If that's true than he has never wanted me to be good because if that was his desire he would turn me around he wouldn't let me slip away but there I was all alone And for that I know: I was to become a devil's lover all along Because there's nothing the Fallen Angles desires more than a virgin whore I don't blame him though I don't hold a grudge I wouldn't want me to But for you I can be an innocent angel or a sinful demon I give you my body, my soul I'm just a vessel just a doll I'm no longer alive I've died long time ago And a little more every time I stood there naked for their pleasure And for that you can use me like you please I'm in no position to oppose I'm just a attention seeking whore

You see god or not devil or a angel they're all men And men's life only has a meaning if there's a virgin pussy they can forced there dick into tearing her apart because no one has ever had her and that;s the most powerful aphrodisiac in the whole world

[redlipsofpoetry]

Villan of an Angel

I take of my clothes so you would acknowledge my existence

There was a time I thought I felt more

But then something went wrong

The image kd you I had in my mind

My version of you it's changed

You've never been an angel neither have I

But I've never taken you for the villan you showed me you are

I took of my clothes

I posed like you wanted

While holding my phone with one hand I forced the other to explore every curve every bone every little detail showing you up close

[redlipsofpoetry]

SURRENDERED

I don't want to die

but I can't stop my hand from digging deep into my skin

I surrender

Take me now

I feel empty

I feel none

I'm not here anymore

I'm not good

I'm not bad

I'm in between

everything's blank

I look into my eyes

Nothing's there

Not even a spark

I surrender

Let's make a deal

Take me whole

I'll be you're whore

I'm done fighting

I'm done being brave

I'm done apologizing, running, crying

I'll spread my legs for you

Just make my feel like I belong somewhere else that in between.

[redlipsofpoetry]

ME

The thing about me

Is that I'm not really ME

You may think you know who I am

But if you were to truly get to know the real me

And not the girl you want me to be

You would run for your life

Far away from the monster that hides behind the mask

[redlipsofpoetry]

The play called Life

A broken mirror

A shattered glas

A girl in the nightgown covered in blood

Tears in her eyes

Coffee in the cup

She's calling for help

"Mommy!" she cries

Everything goes blank

Bright white walls and ceiling and floors

Empty room with empty beds

the beeping sound being her heart

The anger towards herself

The pain of a broken heart

The fear of still being alive

The empty void in her chest

Combined created a spell she used on her mum

She made her believe everything was fine

She even smiled with her eyes

She played a role of her life

She's written a letter saying goodbye

And then she closed her eyes

This time not calling her mum

[redlipsofpoetry]

Getting bad again

I'm getting bad again,

it feels so right.

I'm getting bad again,

with a hand between my legs.

I'm getting bad again,

no one knows how deep into the darkness I've gone.

I'm getting bad again,

slowly killing myself.

I'm getting bad again,

and I don't really care.

I'm getting bad again.

Taking another sip.

I'm getting bad again,

swallowing another pill.

I'm getting bad again

contemplating suicide.

I'm getting bad again

and finally everything goes blank.

I'm getting bad again

closing my eyes.

I'm getting...there

[redlipsofpoetry]

Presence of the absent

You should pray to God

every morning and every night.

You should follow His rules,

Listen to His voice.

You should choose the path He shows you.

He's more present in this couple of sentences that he's been in my whole life.

I've been there,

I've done that,

I was on my knees for Him,

I was begging, crying my eyes out

and nothing

not even a little, tiny bit of change.

He was never there.

I hope I'll end up in Hell.

I don't want to see someone who abandoned me when I was just a little kid.

[redlipsofpoetry]

Dance macabre

He's always there

when I'm laying naked on my bed

with my hand between my legs.

When I'm killing myself little by little with pleasure

slowly reaching heaven.

Then the tables turn

I'm on the same bed

with a razor in my hand.

My fingers covered in my blood instead of lust

pleasure and pain dancing a deadly walc

turning and turning, slowly mixing up

eventually they become one.

He says he likes a little psycho, a nymphomaniac with a thing for pain, a little naughty girl

but he's never there

my pain is not The pain

my psycho is too much of a psycho

he likes the idea of me

not what's hidden underneath.

Once again I find myself on the bed

and the story repeats itself.

[redlipsofpoetry]

Peanut butter toast

It's been a year and nothing's changed

today is even worse than yesterday

who knew that peanut butter was never a problem

I feel like a pig because of him

I was ok

I was trying to hold on

but now all I can think of is stupid peanut butter toast

My own father

the person I thought will always be by my side

that will guard me with his life

made me feel like a fat awful pig

And now I'm once again stuffing my face

To forget the hatred that I feel toward myself

[redlipsofpoetry]

Never to blame

Lilith was damned for being an equal

Eve was punished for being a victim

Adam was a MAN so he's not to blame

Hera was made to feed her husband betrayal

Medusa was used like a toy

but she's the one to blame

Cause Poseidon was a MAN

MAN, MAN, MAN

"It's just their nature" they said

"She was asking for it"

" She was wearing a dress"

See?

This is a world that we live in

You can simply look at him and than forever be a slut

cause you weren't dressed like a nun