This is me outing myself as a millenial but I think the troy barrett episode should be a self-contained mockumentary about the centaurs:
Ilya, to the camera: He is a beautiful boy. Beautifully and wonderfully made. We are lucky to have him.
Producer: Um. We’re talking about Troy Barrett being traded to the Cens right?
Ilya, scowling: Who? I am talking about the dog. You talk about whatever you want.
Harris, hunched over at his desk: yeah, I mean, I love hockey, but it’s still a job. It can be tough managing the image of the team.
Producer: do you wish they won more?
Harris: *shrugs* Wouldn’t hurt.
*camera pans over to Troy sitting on the ground next to Harris’s desk where he thought he was out of frame, staring at an Ottawa pride pin*
Long monologue of Bood giving his favorite spice rub recipe in detail while in the locker room but the camera keeps sneaking looks at Lucas Haas while he bravely tries to approach Ilya directly to sign his MLH video game cover. It takes him three tries and when he finally gets there Ilya is already on the phone with someone talking in slowish Russian. The producer translates later and notes two key phrases- “fuck this day” and “get yourself ready I will make two hour drive into one”
The most violent game of sewer ball you’ve ever seen, only for the Cens to lose 5-1 against Boston (Haas’s goal, Rozanov seemed distracted)
Producer: what do you think having an involved social media director like Harris does for the team?
Troy: Um. Well harris is a good guy. He likes apples, I think. He brings apples in for everyone, so that’s nice. I mean, he works hard. I didn’t even know the PR guy for Toronto. Or girl. Woman.
Troy, sweating: Yeah. Might have been one. Like I said, I didn’t know her. Or him. Or.
Producer, after a beat: Or?
Troy, absolutely ashen: I don’t know.
Locker room post-game, Producer: You and Shane Hollander keep the rivalry on the ice these days, and work together in the summer on charity work. How does it feel to play him now?
Ilya, licking the fat lip Shane gave him when he elbowed him against the boards before scoring a goal: Feels great. He loves me.
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