Just Riley and I against the world. @rileyandi - Tumblr Blog

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Haven't got my time right now but my phone is essentially dead and when it finally dies I wil no longer have access to this blog and there for have started a new one at @lovingrooburger It's fairly blank right now but will change that when I get more time. Will also explain this more when I get more time if my phone has not died yet.

Do you know what? I'm pretty fucking awesome. For placement we have to keep a professional reflective diary. This one won't make the cut for obvious reasons but needed to be documented somewhere. But TW: Death. If you've followed my blog for any amount of time, firstly kudos, secondly, you would know I have/had PTSD/C-PTSD from my brothers death. It mostly centred around CPR being performed. When I first started nursing I shook and cried for weeks over the CPR lesson itself. I did so much exposure therapy with my psychologist. It terrified me and I would have complete breakdowns over it. Tonight some of the patients included someone with a full cardiac arrest STEMI (heart attack) ànd also someone in a middle of a psychiatric crisis. 5 years ago seeing patient one would of landed me in patient two's position. Tonight I watched the resus, intubation, ventalation of patient 1 and I came out thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever seen (obviously not for the person but just the intricacies of how everything is done). It just shows how much I've grown and how hard I've worked to get where I am and for that I'm awesome. Fucking awesome!

Today was hard. Draining and hard. Send hugs.

These last two weeks have been hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I started the first of my final year placements. Opportunity wise, it's an AMAZING placement. Emotionally not so much. It's in an emergency department. An emergency department where I was seen more times than I could count going back before Riley for mental illness, and have had a hard time in getting care for physical illness because of past mental illness. I have no idea how I went in there to be honest. A fews days before starting placement though I noticed my right side from just under where my bra sits to my hip was numb. I could feel if something was touching it but not differentiate if it was something was dull or sharp. I kept it to myself as it wasn't causing any immediate issues and thought I'd deal with it after placement. I got to the Thursday in week 1 before the numbness spread and went to mid thigh. By Friday it was right from my breast to my toes. But still only on the right side. At this point I thought I should probably mention it to someone. I firmly thought that it would of just been my sacral neuromodulator cords having moved and were hitting the nerves. A phone call went to my urologist, then medtronic who makes the implant, then back to the urologist. I had to turn the implant off and wait until Tuesday for an emergency appointment. I was completely convinced that this would fix it. Come Monday the numbess was intensifying. If it was the implant it should have gone as it had been turned off. A trip to my gp and he says in his opinion there are only two options. One being a slipped disc. The other a whole lot scarier. The latter would need an MRI. Something I'm not able to have because of said implant. So we booked a CT to rule out disc issues. Tuesday I saw my Uro and she concurred that if it was the stim it should of got better not worse when turning it off. She said I needed an urgent neuro referral and MRI, but as I have the implant it's not exactly easy. It would involve surgery to take the implant out, getting the MRI done, then surgery to put it back in. It's not a decision that would be easy to make as each device is worth $15,000 dollars, and would also mean I'd be on massive restrictions physically for yet another 6 weeks. She immediately thought it was the same scary thing my GP suggested. The only thing that makes them hesitant is that I had an MRI last June (pre implant) and there was no signs. Wednesday was the CT but because of Easter no results yet. It was a heavy emotionally challenging day on placement and I cried myself to sleep with something I witnessed. If that's how I felt I can only imagine how the person going through it must of been feeling. The numbness in some ways has improved. In others has intensified. The affected area now is mid thigh to my toes (again only on the right) but the numbness, particularly in my foot/toes is extreme. Random shooting pains keep going through the leg. How can a leg be so infuriatingly numb, but so painful all at once? That's contradictory! Laying down the numbness goes up to mid torso. It's going to take me forever to recover from this 4 week block. But as long as this parsthesia is easily fixed and not MS I'll be happy. I don't want to have MS.

So tired. Just 4 weeks of this Morgan. Just 4 weeks. Placement day 1/17 complete.

Today's the last day of Riley's first term of kinder (Australia, our school years are calender years, and kinder for, at least my state, is 'preschool'). Last week I got called in to have a meeting with his teacher, and even though I whole heartedly agree with what they're saying with 99% of the stuff, the 1% has really annoyed me. Riley's attention span is short, he's over exciteable, and he doesn't understand the concept of personal space. I totally agree. The kid never stops. In fact they are all reasons I advocated for 3 year old kinder for him, as it's not compulsory. He's EXTREMELY social and wants to be EVERYONE'S friend but he doesn't seem to grasp you don't just run up and hug anyone or wave 5cm from their eyes. Consent is huge to me, and I drill it into him all the time but he also needed to have it enforced by other people but me. Hence kinder. So, I definitely agree he should be continuously picked up on personal autonomy of himself and others and the right to say no. I won't bend myself on that. The kinder teachers were great and said they know the excitement is just him, he's essentially just 3 and it's not stuff even the 4yo room gets but just because of his exuberant personality it is more noticeable. And he's the youngest in his class. He's just turned three and I know of at least 3 others who have just turned 4. So, yeah they're not worried but they need to cover themselves from 'other parents' in discussing strategies. All good. I get that. But the bit that annoys me? One of the main issues with all that is...he doesn't treat the kids with disabilities any different... Like should he? Umm no. Should there be a general consent rule? Hell yes! Should the fact that he treats the kids with disabilities the same as his other peers be an issue in itself...ummm hell no. I'm sorry but trying to convince a child who has had a heavy involvement with numerous different people, with numerous different disabilities since before he was even born in an inclusive environment stop and suddenly be expected to treat them different from other people, because that's not going to happen! To him they're not different. Yes, for some that means things may need adjusting so they can join, but in the whole they're just someone else who should be treated the same no matter what. Riley accepts everyone for who they are. In fact he loves their differences. What other adult gets down and literally gets as much enjoyment over a toy he is playing with than some of the people he knows. Real thorough enjoyment. We have a good family friend who is legally blind. We know she can see *some* but the actual extent we don't know. Riley drags her around like any other person but at the same time knows her limitations and doesn't even mention them but helps her. My brother is no doubt one of his favourite people in the world. He happens to have autism. So whay? Their relationship is AMAZING! Like honestly if you think someone with autism lacks empathy, just leaves now. The fact is. Riley interacts with people on a daily basis with disabilities. He treats them exactly the same as he does any other person and I'm not going to discourage it. He can adjust activites so they can join but the far reaching implications of treating someone 'different' just because of a disability is not something you will get support of from me. Actually, I'm pretty damn proud of his ability to adapt with people's needs flawlessly and without changing the treatment of that person. So keep endorsing consent to EVERYONE. Yes. But don't make a big out of 'him not treating disabled kids differently'.

I. Am. So. Tired. I really need to stop complaining. This week is the first week of uni for the year. Seeing as I only have a year of my RN to do (I completed my EEN and 2/3 of my RN way back in 2012) I've decided to finish it. Pain. Fatigue. Dizziness. The weeks are so jam packed between Riley's time table and mine, and I'm only getting like 4 hours sleep a night. It's the fastest way to crash my mental health, but I only need to push through 12 weeks of this, (okay, and then another 12) and then I will be done. I will have more job opportunities that may be better on chronic illness. I have a tute in the morning I have only done half the work for but at this point I need sleep so it's not getting done. I'm having major anxiety over that. The weeks currently look like this: Monday: Riley has kinder. Tuesday: I have Uni. Wednesday: Uni. Thursday: Uni and then Melbourne straight after. Friday: Kinder. Some Saturdays I have volunteer stuff and same on Sundays. In something like 4 weeks I add in placement and I also need to get my competencies up to work casual shifts as an EEN because I am being swallowed by a big black monster of debt. Once that is done I need to be working at least a shift a week to get back on top. For now. Also, I am hating the lack of hospitals and unis in my town. The emergency nurse who did my catheters mid Jan...yeah I walk into lab and she's my lab teacher. No teacher should ever have seen that much of you. Never. Ever. And yes I know nurses don't care. But my anxiety does. Oh but in my lab of 15 there were 2 (female) Morgans. This never happens. We were so confused over the two Morgan thing. And more bewildered we were both female. The amount of times I've heard in my life 'Morgan is a boys name' or even get called by my surname because 'Morgan can't be your name' is surreal. It's a name goddammit. I don't know where this is going. I need to sleep. Stomach's hurting. But I got a cool new pink stethoscope? Kudos to those of you who study with more than one child (and those with one child). Riley never stops and I feel I never get to stop and open books. Trying to pump out as much in as little time as possible. I need coffee. But my body doesn't handle caffeine. At all.

#personal #this has been another jumbled post by morgan

tornadon-t

I could really use some embarrassed mom camaraderie right now. Can you reblog this with the most embarrassing/loud/stressful things your kids have done in public? Bonus points if you all survived to tell the tale.

nilbog-coffee

At Ryan’s brother’s wedding, both kids started yelling and crying because Ryan was in the wedding party and they wanted his attention, so I had to drag both kids out kicking and screaming (one under each arm) in the middle of the ceremony. I transcended to a new plane of embarrassment. I still want to die and this happened a year ago.

wakemewhenimgorgeous

I took the twins to the park last Sunday and they both ate dirt and screamed bloody murder as I carried them one under each arm flailing like inflatable tube men.

A little less recently, we were at their 2 year checkup with the pediatrician and in the waiting room I asked Connor, “where’s your belly?” He usually lifts his shirt and I tickle him, but instead he took his pants off in a room full of people.

lovealwaysangelairene

Most loud thing my kids have done in public (because I’m hard to embarrass and I don’t get stressed by the kids in public):

I was very visibly pregnant with Amaya in my third trimester, and my OB appointment had ended. Stuart had to rush off to work so instead of walking us out to my car and then leaving in his, he bolted out of the medical building toward his own car and the twins and I made our way in the opposite direction. Noah promptly LOST HIS SHIT when he saw Stuart go the opposite way, and screamed and cried and threw himself down. So I tried the “hold his hand in the air and drag him literally kicking and screaming behind me” method. It worked for a few feet but then Valentin started to cry and scream because Noah was crying and screaming.

Maybe 20yds from the front door, still in the drive around lobby area where EVERYONE has to go to enter/leave the entire complex, they both threw themselves down onto the ground and continued in their overwhelmed tantrum. I had their child harnesses on, so I just stood there and let them scream and cry. Whatever. They’re three, they’ll eventually stop at some point, we were outside, and I was far too pregnant to pick either of them up, much less both of them.

Dozens of people stopped and stared and so forth, as people tend to do, but a couple of women stopped. “You sure have your hands full! And another on the way! Good luck!” Thanks, they’re not normally like this, but it is what it is right now.

Not to mention that I realized I forgot my credit card at home and didn’t have any petty cash in my car, so I ended up having to call stuart BACK to the medical center anyways (starting about three minutes after he left..but he didn’t pick up until he made it all the back to work..) to give me some cash so I could pay for my parking! So the whole thing could have been avoided if he had stayed five extra minutes to walk us to the car! He was still 30-40min late to work since he had to return to pay for my parking.

🙄

rileyandi

We had the phase where Riley's pronounciation of 'chips' would come out as 'bitch'. So we'd walk into the shop and the whole time he'd look me dead in the eye and repetitively shout 'chips'.

Also we had quite a few tantrums because Rilry wanted hot dogs, but for ages called them 'dog food' so we'd also get weird arse looks because he'd be wanting to eat 'dog food'.

I’m going to need a REALLY good present to thank Riley’s kinder teachers at the end of the year. 😂😂

Riley has had 3 sessions of kinder and let’s just say he is getting quite the reputation.

Session one ended with the kinder teacher looking at me exhausted and saying ‘geez he’s a runner’ (energetic).

Session two Riley’s dad picked him up, but said Riley was sat right next to the teacher during mat time, and she had her hand gently on him to try and keep him sitting.

Session 3. Well that was a bit of an eye opener. They had no one to stay and cut up fruit as it’s a parent’s job so I volunteered. I think the most used phrase in that class is 'Riley, walking feet inside please’. Him and a little girl, E, I can see being the exuberant ones and her and Riley were playing nicely but…well…energetically.

Before snack time, was story time and it started with Riley sitting wherever in the group, followed by Riley being asked to sit next to the teacher, followed by Riley sitting on the teacher’s knee.

After snack time, they played outside for a bit. I was inside. Everyone came in to get ready for home and I couldn’t see Riley amongst them. I just started to venture outside, when the 4yo room teacher carries Riley into the 3yo room, 'one of the 3 year olds broke into our room and was playing in the cubby’. Thanks…I was wondering where he’d got to. Then somehow when it was time to go home he was sporting the one shoe look. We ended up locating the other in the garden and also found his hat and things along the way.

It’s not that he’s naughty, and I’m not just saying that as his mum. He has beautiful manners, and is loving and kind. He is just happy and exciteable and so full of life. He never stops. His kinder teacher even said that. He’s not naughty just energetic.

Very, very energetic.

A vat of wine maybe?

Yesterday. It was hell. But okay. How do you explain death and grief to a three year old? My mum said something to Riley about it being 'Uncle Wayne's birthday' and well of course Riley wanted to know where his Uncle Wayne was. It's hard when I don't know what I believe myself, and don't want to force my beliefs on him even if I did. I was crying a bit and he wanted to know why mummy was sad and I let him know it's okay to be sad sometimes, I just missed Wayne very, very much because I haven't been able to see him for a long time. But I don't know. I've had all these big ideas on what I'd tell him in the past, but on the spot I panicked and froze. I tried to get out of my head so walked the lake. All 6km of it, and then an extra 4km just for good measure. That's all good except for the fact I have POTS and raising my heart rate makes me faint. I didn't faint, but will deal with dizziness, nausea, fatigue and all the other lovely things for days that also accompany it. But I got through the day without losing my shit completely so I'll call that a win? Then in the 3 hours after Riley fell asleep he woke up 6 times inconsolable. I stopped counting after the 6th but it continued all night. So, I'm casually sitting in front of my laptop trying to complete my uni orientation (I'm a dumbarse and am trying to overload myself again this year again, apparently) trying to calm this nausea down, not fall asleep/pass out, and keep a small human somewhat entertained. 12 weeks.

#this post started in one direction and ended up somewhere completely different

You'd think after 16 years this would get easier and in a way it has. I don't end up in hospital, dying, each year anymore, but that has more to do with mental health improvement and not this shit actually getting easier. I lay here and wonder what he would be doing if he was here today and turning 32, his life not having ceased at 15. I wonder what he would think of Riley, what Riley would think of him, what it would be to have actual solid memories of him, and not being stuck with this aching hole that reaches so deep within because I miss him, I miss him so fucking much, but I don't know what I miss. I don't know. This is hard. This is hard all the time. I imagine it would be hard to deal with even if everywhere I walked wasn't covered in valentine's paraphernalia to remind me that the reason this day is so special is absent and will always be. That this wasn't supposed to just be valentine's day, but also the day my eldest brother turned 32. But it's not. 15 is the oldest he will ever be. *cue sobbing*

tandherthree

@biancaandbaby Omg yes, thats exactly what I keep thinking!

I’ve looked a little into studying nursing so I could eventually do maternal child health but I just don’t know. I should have done this years ago if I wanted to do it and I feel like I’ve left it too late. I never thought I’d want to be anything other then a bloody mother and hairdresser, no idea why i feel like it’s not right for me anymore. And also the money part and I don’t know if I could hack studying hahaha

Then I think, maybe I could just do some part-time retail work until I sort my shit because Then i’d be able to work weekends and a late night so that Kori can just be home with the kids and still be making a little bit of extra money. But this option scares me in case I just get stuck in retail for the rest of my life. 😬

But I don’t think I want to go back to my job. I do but I don’t. I don’t want to work two days like I was previously because that was hard for me but she doesn’t do Saturdays and Wednesday/Thursdays are what suit her best but I just didn’t enjoy doing that. Anything less and it’s really not worth going back at all.

Ahhhhh! When do you start? Are you second guessing things at the moment or..?

biancaandbaby

Oh I think you’d be a wonderful nurse! You seem so caring and a child health nurse would be an amazing career. Actually one midwife I met on placement said she went to uni when her youngest turned 18 and she thought she was crazy at first because she was so old and hadn’t worked for years but it was the best thing she ever did. So I don’t think you’re too old or should’ve done it before! I think it’s natural for our passions and values to change over time so maybe you needed to meet your babies to find out what you really love :) Although I do understand feeling that way.. part of me was like ‘bloody hell, should’ve finished my degree before having two kids’ but I also feel like having my kids has changed the way I’d be as a midwife so I guess it was meant to be. It’s so hard to justify leaving your kids two days a week for a job you don’t love though isn’t it?! Like sometimes I think jeez I’d rather be more broke than miss out on this time with them as opposed to working two days a week for more money but spending like 20 hours a week feeling sad and missing my kids. And it’s more than that really because the whole day before a shift I’d feel sad thinking about leaving Phoenix and worrying about if he’d be ok without me 😫

I start feb 20, although I don’t have to leave Casper until March 17, and it’s only a couple of days, I think 8 in total for the whole semester. I can do next semesters topic externally so really if I don’t go back to work I’ll be fine for the rest of the year. I am nervous about next year more so. I have 5 weeks of placement and so I think it’s either full time work for 2 weeks and 3 weeks or a month straight and then another week later. It’s gonna be so hard 😭 I know they’ll be older and they probably won’t even remember it one day but urgh. I do love it though.. so I feel like it’s better than 2 days a week for the foreseeable future doing something mundane or a few weeks of full time work here and there doing something I really love. I think so anyway.. sometimes I just wanna quit work and uni and just be a mama. 🤔

rileyandi

My mum is 58 this year and in her second year of her nursing degree. It's actually a little funny as she did her first placement at my work and I was in charge of her, calling her by her given name and not mum. But it's proof you're never too old.

I'm going back this year also to pathway to mch nursing. 😫

@biancaandbaby Thanks! We've been trying on and off for a few months and haven't seemed to get anywhere so stop and wait a while before trying again. Then thismorning I got woken up to 'I have to go to the toilet really badly' and a successful toileting so hoping if I push through for a few days we may progress! I'm not going to push him to do something he's not ready for, but it will be such a relief!

Toilet training is basically a lot of 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and a lot of 💩💩💩💩💩. Maybe even some 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 on the side.

#personal #send help #spending the day camped out in the toilet #riley

Someone went and grew up. First day of 3yo kinder! 😭😭

Toilet training: Need some help on toilet training Riley. He was 3 just under 2 weeks ago, so according to the mummacrites he should be toilet trained by now. Except it's a scientific fact that boys take longer as the part in their brain that is involved in toilet training isn't 'switched on' until later. He is finally showing readiness but I don't know what to do. Do I let him run around in underwear and just take him to the toilet at intervals? How far apart? How long do I make him sit there if he isn't doing anything? Do I just sit him on the toilet for as long as it takes for him to do something and then reward him when he does? And how long after until i take him again? The problem isn't so much the process in itself, it's the fact Riley doesn't sit still. Like ever. So trying to keep him on the toilet for any length of time is...well...interesting. He loves to hop on the toilet, rip off toilet paper and wipe his bum and then flush it, but as far as the process of actually using the toilet...nope. He starts kinder in a few weeks and I'd love (although obviously not going to drill the poor kid) for him to be toilet trained during the day at least by the time he starts. Obviously accidents happen, but using the toilet the vast majority of the time would be good.

dryyoureyes-startbelieving

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