I miss my emotional support bard. ;___;

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@river-gremlin
I miss my emotional support bard. ;___;
You ever meet a kid so shitty you're immediately like "I want to adopt you as my own so I can instill into you the values of dignity and compassion and respect for self and others that your guardians have so obviously neglected, so that you may escape the unhappy future that lies ahead of you with all the smoldering ashes of wasted potential" but also, like. I punt you like a football
Drop the vape u little turd I'm gonna take an active interest in your passions and buy u pants that fit. When was your last dentist appointment. U wanna go to summer camp
and then you didn't
Did u want me to kidnap a child
List of customers this week that made me question my sanity:
- They guy that returned a broken swiffer mop in new packaging claiming that it was broken when he bought it despite it clearly being the old model of swiffer
- They guy that tried to return a gift card but didn’t know when he bought it, how much was on it, or have a receipt. It is not a gift card brand we sell. He kept yelling “I’m 85 years old!”
- They lady who said we ruined her dinner because she bought seafood and it went bad in her fridge before she cooked it (please don’t buy seafood when you live this far inland I’m begging you)
- The guy who returned rancid meat because he left it in his car
- The two people I watched drive away from the gas station with their gas caps still off and tank cover open
- The lady that drove around a caution cone to park at a gas pump directly underneath where people were doing construction work and didn’t understand why these guys were yelling at her
- The lady that prefaced her statement with “I’m not mad at you, but” and proceeded to yell at me for a solid five minutes about the fact that corporate decided to rearrange our store layout
- The lady that tried to cash out two money orders without any form of ID and when I told her I couldn’t do it because the computer wouldn’t let me do with without an ID she started yelling at me in Spanish and refused to take no for an answer
- Guy who walked up two minutes after closing and said he’d been waiting in line forever and was furious that we wouldn’t reopen just to help him
- Lady that called me a bitch on the phone for telling her I couldn’t transfer calls to the Pharmacy because they have a separate phone line
- Lady that complained loudly in the bathroom for several minutes about there not being any paper towels and only being hand dryers until I yelled from the stall “look outside the front door they’re on the wall”
- Two children yelling “BUDDY” over and over again at the top of their lungs while waiting to get a buddy prize while I was trying to do a Western Union
- Man that ran over my foot with his basket and knocked me into a display that cut my leg and then goes “oh I didn’t see you there” and just goes back to mindlessly wandering down the aisles without apologizing
- Person that parked their car directly in front of the store to make their son load their groceries into the back despite there being several very close parking spots and backing up traffic
& (my personal favorite)
- The guy who returned a box of brownie mix and the brownies he made with it because “the box says it has walnuts in it, and it has walnuts in it”
NEW PERSONAL FAVORITE
- GUY WHO INFORMED US HE WAS GOING TO SUE BECAUSE HE INGESTED DEEP CONDITIONER THINKING IT WAS WHIPPED HONEY
Okay the last one was a trip and I need to take you guys on this journey with me. So, understand the way our business center is set up we have only two windows and two registers, both in a pretty tight space, right next to the front doors of the store so it’s all a very tight area. BC is only open from 10-6, with just two people running it. Some days we only have one person running it, so the bookkeepers (my team) run the other till so the BC partner can go on lunch and take their breaks. We also have a gas station, and the gas attendant also needs a lunch and breaks, so one of the BC partners runs that from 10-11 in the morning and 5:30-6:30 at night.
Now I try to take my lunch before BC has to run the gas break so that if the remaining partner needs help I can be back in time to flip and till and hop on the register.
Well last night I came back from lunch a little late and partner X had already left. I open the door to BC to get his till and partner Y looks at me with like huge “help me” eyes. So I slow down as I’m taking the till out and listen.
Our store, like most stores now, has a curbside function that you order through either our website or app. I listen as this gentleman tells Y that he had used this website to order his groceries. He had typed in “honey” into the search function and presumably scrolled through the options until he found something promising. A container of whipped honey!
So he gets his groceries and has two containers of this “whipped honey”. He dips his finger into one to taste it, but is shocked that it doesn’t taste very good. He thinks maybe just that one is bad for some reason, so he takes a spoonful from the other container and adds it to his coffee. Presumably he drinks all of it. But now he doesn’t feel good! He gets sick and has to miss work!
I lean over to partner Y and whisper “is this guy fucking serious” and she nods without looking at me.
He demands to know what we’re going to do about this.
Then manager Z shows up and the guy begins to repeat his story. Manager Z takes the offending product and says “It says ‘for dehydrated hair’ right here on the label.”
The guy says “well who reads labels!”
I take the till and run quickly back to my office so I don’t start laughing. Luckily there is a window between my office and BC for me to listen through, so I lean to the side of it to keep listening in.
The guy says “Well I talked to my attorney and he said I should sue you guys, because the search function pulls that up under the search for honey and it’s not food. Now I’m not that kinda guy, but what if someone elderly purchased that thinking it was food and ate it and it killed them.”
Z says, in a tired voice, “I can take your name and phone number and file your complaint with corporate but this will have to go through them.”
The guy says “you can’t do anything else? I got sick and had to miss work, you understand.”
Y says “I can give you a refund for the product.”
The guy ignores her.
Y says the same again.
The guy says “let him take care of this.”
During all of this Y’s line has been steadily growing. Guy refuses to step to the side to deal with his issue of *checks notes* ingesting a hair product because he doesn’t read labels. Y comes to me at the window and says she needs help with the line. I flip a till and head back outside.
Z is attempting to take down Guy’s information, but he just keeps repeating at if it says it has honey in it, it shouldn’t show up in a search for “honey” because it’s a hair product and that his lawyer says he should sue. Z finally says “if that’s what you’re going to do then do so, but I need your phone number.”
I get through three customers by the time Z is done taking this guy’s information.
He reminds us once more that he’s going to sue as he walks out the front door.
“Not a court on this planet,” I say, ringing up an auto tag, “not a single court on this earth is going to side with you for ingesting a product labeled ‘do not invest’. Not a lawyer on earth will touch that case.”
My customer makes a small noise of interest.
“He ate conditioner because it has honey in it.”
My customer bursts into laughter, turns around and tells the person behind them.
“THAT’S what he was mad about??”
“Yes.” I say mildly.
Later I typed “honey” into my curbside search function trying to replicate the guy’s search. I tried “honey” “whipped honey” and “pure honey” and never once found hair products through the search. It’s still unclear to me on if he even purchased it through our store. Regardless, I think it takes a special kind of strength to eat deep conditioner and then go tell a bunch of people that you ate conditioner. Or maybe a special kind of stupidity.
Thank you @kinaesthetiquilt for adding the best tags to this post
if we could read minds I still don't think we'd understand them.
like I've spoken to people who think in images, who have to translate each thought into words before they communicate. and I think entirely in words, laid out across the void inside my head. my father's thinking is 3d, concepts structured in ways that are incredibly difficult to translate into words. and how would that look to me, if I could see into it? how do I perceive a thought that my mind cannot contain by the nature of their construction?
we all speak a private language to ourselves and we are always translating so we can speak to each other...don't touch me I'm emotional
adulthood is all about fighting for your life to meet up with your friends at a scheduled time
see this person gets it
me: *shaves legs* hehhee i am slippry like dolphin
my brain:
me:..............slippry like dolphin
what does an everything bagel even have
it just seems like a bold claim
WAKE UP, Y'ALL, LYFT FUCKING SNAPPED.
NPR's article here.
Considering how few notes this post has, I've gotten a lot of hate mail about it. Sure would be a shame if y'all kept reblogging it and pissed off the Pro-Life crowd. :)
Every time I get groceries I’m always appalled at how little you can get for like, $20. I was making banana pudding so I needed vanilla wafers but the brand name nilla wafers cost $4 a box. The minimum wage in my state is $7.25/hr. My friend put it really well when he said “imagine you work for an hour and someone hands you two boxes of nilla wafers and said ‘actually this is a bit more than what I owe you’”
How are some of y’all missing the point so bad. “Shop at aldi instead” “make your own food” “don’t buy brand name” “don’t buy unhealthy processed food” It’s not about the box of cookies. This is about how minimum wage pays peanuts and has stagnated for 12 years while the cost of living keeps growing. No one wants your financial advice about how to survive on beans and rice and frozen veggies. The smartest grocery list in the world is not gonna help you budget your way out of poverty. Please get a grip for the love of god
Our system is broken. It is cruel. It is dehumanizing, degrading, and it’s vile nature is so, so unnecessary.
We need universal healthcare today in America. We needed it 40 years ago. It’s cheaper, it’s simpler, it’s more efficient, it’s more effective and it is so, so, so much less cruel than what we have.
Additional sources/references:
Universal Healthcare Cost in America would be cheaper by trillions of dollars
The US has worse life expectancies than socialized healthcare countries
We have worse generalized healthcare results
We have the most expensive care
Our system is so cruel and unique that doctors from other countries literally can’t believe what happens here
I can’t tell you where or how to activate to help solve this. There are politicians, groups, and activists pushing for this in so many ways. I can tell you when, though.
Now.
Jacko’s!
issue: the kittens are still trying to learn words. gus knows his name and daisy knows hers, but they don’t seem to quite grasp that when I say “babies!” im referring to both of them.
hypothesis: “babies” is too similar to “daisy” and they’re getting confused
test: start saying “gamers” instead
Outcome: they’re understanding it and it’s hysterically funny
me, calling down the hall from stirring a can of cat food: LET’S GO, GAMERS
the kittens:
Yes please show us the gamers
here’s the gamers! Daisy is on the left and August is on the right! i spent 45 minutes trying to get this shot
do you ever see something in real life that is uncanny like not in a Cursed way necessarily just in a “this is a dream object found in dreams” way
my college library has a section for old magazine and journal issues, some of which go back 50-100 years. it’s very quiet and full of the hum of the vending machines.
The whole area is kind of like weirdly…off? Like 1% away from being Real? especially these shelves
reasons why this bookshelf gives me heebie jeebies
all the volumes being weirdly identical, which is not what you expect of books
the fact that it’s a big floor to ceiling section of shelf that’s just this
the cryptic-ness of “Fortune” just, by itself
the fact that they’re all like Uncannily Large
it’s like they’re just enough Too Big and unwieldy like dream objects that it has my brain like “these are dream books that go in dreams”
normal not insane person brain: these are old issues of a magazine called Fortune
weirdo scared of bookshelf brain: when you open them up it just has a list of people born that year and how they’re going to die
libraries will say “i know a place” and take you to the fortune magazine back issues pocket dimension
OP added a photo of the famous Audrey!
I have two black cats, Sera and Ceridwen. They are sisters and look exactly alike and like to sit next to each other in the exact same position.
Sera is sweet and loves to be petted.
Ceridwen is sweet and loves to pretend your hand is a mouse she wants to disembowel.
My kids will stand in front of them both and try to guess which is which, even asking the cats, “Which one of you likes to bite?”
Every now and then I’ll hear a, “Wrong one! Wrong one!” followed by my kids running through the house chased by a delighted kitten
this feels like the cat version of the thing where one creature always speaks the truth and the other always lies