a letter to you... ( @kibumrkâ )
      dated: july 23rd, 2018 - post breakup
How do I say thank you for a whirlwind of years knowing each other? I don't know whether you saved me or we saved each other, but we're here, and I'm thankful. I regret the way we broke up, not that we did, but how. You and I are so similar sometimes that we couldn't be more different, and I think we've reached a point in our lives where we've both accepted different paths we'd like to go. We've grown together, and for now, I feel better that we grow apart from one another- to become more of our own people as you follow your career and I figure out mine. I don't regret our year of true togetherness, but maybe our timing was wrong. Maybe neither of us are the match for each other either, as much as we tried to be. Maybe we are better as friends than partners, for now at least.
I used to dream about a future with you, one where sphere and being idols was a distant memory or never happened, and we were just two people in love starting lives together. I still think there's an alternate universe where that is what happened, and that it's much less complicated than here. I never wanted to ask you to give up your dream for mine, and I think that's where we began to fall apart instead of closer together. I plan, for everything, and you like to control the flow that you go with. With bitter-sweetness I still think about the different words I could have said or how things could have turned out differently. I know so much about you and your family and you know so little about me and mine. Maybe if I shared more you would have understood me better- my stupidly incessant need for reassurance and stability, or why sometimes I can't sleep at all instead of the reasons I've given you before.
A part of me will always love you, the part that liked you from the moment we met and you were just a lost guy in an office building, both of us needing a hand up from our pasts- both running away from something; I dreamed of a relationship with you, building a future for both of us. But time changes people just as much as people naturally change, and teenage daydreams don't always come true. I picture a future differently than I used to, and maybe itâs alone or with someone that's not you, or someone iâm destined to meet as a different me, just as you will too. I don't know what's in store for my own future yet, but I know that it's here where our paths diverge. I'm still figuring it out, like everyone is.
There's three different me's now; the one that stays alone and throws herself into a career and has nothing more. the one that waits for you, even if it takes twenty years just because her love is that strong. And the one that I'm discovering- the person who loves herself first and feels a little lost sometimes, but wants the best for both of us, and moves on.
Not with anger, or bitterness, but with a little sorrow and gratefulness for what we did have together- because I wouldn't trade it for a thousand lifetimes. I will always support you, Kibum, if only as a friend if you allow me to. I'm learning what's right for me, and what's right for you too. There's someone better suited than I am, that will wait years and years for you that I can't, and will love you more than I've ever been capable, and you'll find them and know, and one day, I hope, understand where I am now in my own growth.
Always supporting you,
Rachel
