Merrick M

[tredlocity]

[voiceboss]

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[Yes, I had to do it. Yes, all the voices are me. Lyrics under the cut.]

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[kuttithevangu]

Matching older couple I saw on my walk

[pseudonymjones]

My child said to me:

“Other-donkey, Elsa likes macaroni kiko”

Can you understand what this sentence means? Write down your guess before I reveal the answer in the next tweet

[pseudonymjones]

The correct answer is: “I like strawberries.” Were you close? Please find the annotated translation below.

[kaity--did]

The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she's 4 years old and she's negotiating the order in which we're going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.

[kaity--did]

Penny: We go home, we play the mirror game, we have dessert, we play more games, we have fun deal?

Me: Okay well actually we're going to go home, have dinner, then dessert, then we can play your video game, then tubby then bed

Penny: Okay no tubby, games first, deal?

Me: This is not - what is happening right now?

Penny: Dada?

Dada: Arbitration?

Penny: DEALS!

[kaity--did]

Every single thing in our lives has become a negotiation and it is frankly ridiculous as it is hilarious.

Penny: I want to use bare foot when we go outside

Me: I didn't know we were going outside but you have to wear shoes girl

Penny: okay but what about I use bare foot's but at Penny's house? This deal?

Me: you know what yeah fine if you agree to not fight about shoes when we leave the house you can be barefoot in the back yard, deal.

Penny: -sticks her hand out expectantly- we deal?

I think I just made a verbal contract with a 4 year old.

[kaity--did]

She's attempting to establish evidence I think

Penny: but I want to go shool pwease

Dada: okay well it is 8pm, so you have to go to sleep now

Penny: okay but I see my fwiends at shool now please, deal?

Dada: Darling no one is at school, all your friends are asleep as well.

Penny: all Penny's fwiends are sweep? What about we... get in Dadas car and check to see watch them sweep, yes deal?

Dada: I cannot begin to explain to you why that can not happen

[kaity--did]

The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal

Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we're literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?

Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?

Me: Why don't you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?

Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!

[kaity--did]

We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock

Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we'll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?

Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?

Papa: (not knowing hes entering a literal contract) uhm yeah deal.

-smash cut to 6:30 AM this morning-

Penny (running down the hallway in bare feet) 👹BREAKFAST DEALS👹

[kaity--did]

Penny has a canker sore to end all canker sores, to the point where she hasn't been able to eat so we had to make some deals surrounding getting some medicine on it because a hungry Penny Rose is like a angry demon queen

Me: Okay baby this is going to suck. This is going to hurt real bad for a second and then it's going to feel weird and then it's going to feel good. You're going to hate it. But if you let Mama get these three medicines in and on you [Listerine, Antacid, Tylenol] you can scream it out and then we'll go get some ice cream! Deal?

Penny: (obviously not thrilled with this idea) okay, three big shreams, three medicines, ice cream ... it will suck... ice cream ... deal. (Sticks out hand and we shake on it)

Me: okay let's do this I'm so sorry (starts the process)

Penny: ( In between her big screams ) IM GONNA GET LOTS OF FRINKLES

[kaity--did]

My husband is trying to make a deal with Penny to get upstairs and get in the bath tub

Penny: I will go upstairs and get my body clean but you hafta titch me, deal?

Dada: I would love to make this deal with you kid but I literally have no idea what you are saying- I don't know what the terms are, you're speaking a language I don't speak

Penny: you have to titch me like mama does okay DEAL!? (Sticks tiny hand out aggressively)

Dada: (looks at me bewildered for help)

Me: ( starts making a quick tick tick tick sound imitating a stop watch like I'm timing her, while penny jumps around yelling YES TITCH ME LIKE THAT)

Dada: In what world was I ever going to figure that out, thank you for acting as our legal interpreter yes deal let's go!

and off she sprints.

[kaity--did]

Penny does not want to go to bed, but man is it time for her to go to bed

Penny: But I don't want to be sleeping, I want to stay up now! I want to see Grampy and Cozy and Guppie and Papa!

Mama: What if we video call all the grands and say good night to everyone? If we do that will you then go to bed no fussing?

Penny: Oh yes, this is deals! -sticks her hand out to shake-

** we make the rounds and video call all her grandparents, they are all already in bed and say good night and penny hangs up the last video call and toddles into bed with minimal fussing **

Penny : (after a few minutes of silence, over the video monitor, to herself in her dark bedroom) I hafta respect da deals.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Every child I've ever worked with would have been SO much more manageable if they were like this. I should've tried to turn them into deals warlocks.

[lightgaswaterelectricityrent]

if you're a morally dubious man on tv what you're going to want to do is go look at your kids while they're sleeping. then drive your car somewhere

[kuttithevangu]

This remarkable bird called the pelican

His mouth holds as much as his belly can

Put your baby inside

It can’t be denied

Hold baby in mouth just as well he can

[ouroborosorder]

[AU where Jon Bois is in Universal Century]

"Zeon calls a meeting, and while the meeting was behind closed doors and the minutes are classified, but I'm pretty sure even if we had them, they'd just read the word "GUNDAM' underlined a couple times for emphasis."

"I mean, what do you even do about this thing? You can't just shoot him, that suit moves faster than anything you've got. And even if you land a hit, that armor means you basically did nothing. You might as well be writing Amuro a letter and hoping he gives himself a paper cut.

"Well, what about tactics? Well, we tried that. Turns out [Camera moves to graph used earlier in the video.] the kid's the kind of person who uses his shield as a projectile weapon. Can't plan around that.

[camera zooms out slowly, starts spinning.]

"So, the greatest military minds of Zeon are all sitting at a conference table. And one by one they're all realizing that this 14 year old has... basically made their military strategy devolve into, making a wish and hoping it comes true.

"Well, if that's all you've got, then... I think I might know where to find a shooting star."

[Jazziest synth you've ever heard in your life]

[picture of Char appears onscreen]

[Alex Rubenstein voiceover kicks in]

"Char Aznable needs no introduction. Better known as The Red Comet, which is a nickname so good, you always kinda thought that he couldn't live up to it. But live up he did."

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

I really hate to side with Gollum on this, but “what’s in my pocket” is not a riddle and should not have counted. 

[homunculus-argument]

Thought-to-speech technology that gets hacked by people who want text messages from their pets while they are at work, only to immediately regret it because their pets text them the dumbest things, and the only way to get any kind of a clear image of what's going on is texting the other pets for cross-reference.

Like you get a text from your dog going "END IS HERE DOOM IS COMING URGENT URGENT SEND TEXT G-D HAVE MERCY, HUMAN COME HOME IMMEDIATELY", (you have no idea why the text translator has decided that your dog is jewish, but that doesn't feel important enough to look into or change) and before you do, you text the cat like "what's going on?"

And the cat replies "sunshine is turned off, window is cold >:C" so okay that's a clue. You've got a monitor lizard that doesn't do much monitoring, but will reply with whatever the lizard is feeling right now if you text "?" first.

"hwrmbglhlr the earth rumbles are sexy", replies the lizard. Okay, so dog panic, no sunshine, and the lizard is sensing vibrations. Oh, there's a rain storm overhead. Fuck's sake.

[caramelkaleidoscope]

Occasionally you get three messages at the exact same time. One from Amazon saying your package was delivered, one from the dog saying “Did I do something bad??? Box person won’t come in and play with me 😞” and one from the cat saying “STRANGER DANGER WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”

[runawaymarbles]

the "is it ok to have sex when your kids are in the house" thing is so funny to me because like. if you have lived with both of your parents at the same time there's a 99.5% chance they have had sex while you were in the house. if you co-slept then your parents probably had sex while you were in the same bed. this is the gender neutral bathroom debate all over again.

[salt-blog]

I'M SORRY THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS

[robotsareonlysometimesright]

[charl0ttan]

executive dysfunction is literally like. ive had a random dollar on my floor for two weeks and i dont know when ill fit it in my schedule to pick it up. people dont realize this

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

new dnd character: the former omelas kid

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

the omelas kid background doesn’t give you any special bonuses apart from being able to shut down a lot of arguments by bringing up the fact that you used to be the omelas kid

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

nothing special happened to make you stop being the omelas kid. you just lived through it long enough that you reached like 14, 15, 16, whatever age it is that kids stop being cute, and once you were no longer the archetype of innocent victim the magic just kind of fizzled out. by the time people figured out what had happened it was too late to replace you with a new kid. maybe they tried to keep you in a hole a while longer and pretend that nothing was amiss, but then the cholera outbreak hit or somebody found pieces of a girl stuffed inside a suitcase and the pretending got too difficult.

omelas adapts. once you’re out of the hole, it’s still a damn fine place to live. it’s still got universal basic income and great schools and an unparalleled social support net and a life expectancy of 104. if you introduced yourself as the kid from the hole no doubt you could ask for anything and everything you wanted and people would give it to you. you still have to leave. maybe other cities have more cholera and more little girls chopped up in suitcases, but at least you can look at them without feeling somehow responsible.

now and then you wind up at an inn. someone asks where you’re from, and you tell them. they suck their teeth and shake their heads and give you a look and say “omelas, huh? I heard it was powered by a forsaken child” and they all agree that they should have known, of course it was, they’re not surprised by this in the least.

later someone sidles up to you and gives you a long look. they almost seem to recognize you. “I was born in omelas,” they tell you, “but I walked away from it many years ago.” they seem to want something from you. you don’t know what they expect you to say.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

also whenever one of your party members asks you to create a distraction all you have to do is stroll up and say “hey there everyone, I’m the former omelas kid. AMA.”

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

sometimes people recognize your omelas accent and get all weird about it like “oh you’re from omelas? stayed there until the forsaken kid magic ran out, huh? real piece of work you must be. I woulda busted that kid out and ditched the place.” and you’ve gotta decide whether it’s worth the trouble of convincing them that you are in fact the omelas hole boy or listen to them discuss at length what your trauma says about them.

[pixelatedfrog-deactivated202009]

how long have I been out

[snarp]

One of the greatest tragedies in the history of literature:

Had she lived only four years longer, she need never have died at all - such fertile ground might have sustained her forever.

[stitchthisfiona]

Today in niche genres of joke that I can never get enough of and will probably still be secretly thinking about four years later

[cleolinda]

[cleolinda]

[lotus0kid]

[lotus0kid]

[pomme-poire-peche]

[lotus0kid]

[sashaforthewin]

[jack-of-no-cows]

[ghirahimbo]

[robotsareonlysometimesright]

[creekfiend]

BELLY UP TO TH BAR, PARDNER, WHAT'LL IT BE

[creekfiend]

if someone edits some shelves in the background and a little bar towel and beer glass and bowl of pine nuts onto the table I'll be your best friend

[robotsareonlysometimesright]