can i stress the importance of boundary setting? of being able to say no? if you want to be able to play with this shit, or really engage sexually at all, you need to be able to look someone in the eye and say “i don’t want this.”
if you can’t look me in the eye and say No, if you haven’t demonstrated an ability to voice discomfort when you feel it, you are not a safe partner and i do not want to play with you.
specifically what i’m thinking about here, though idk if clarification is needed, is that when you don’t tell me you’re uncomfortable you’re putting me in the position of harming you without giving me the option not to. if you never say “i don’t want this” then i don’t get to say “no problem, we don’t have to!” and you’ll grow to resent and hate me for crossing a boundary that was never communicated to me. actually, this applies to things other than sex too. if you never voice displeasure/discomfort, or direct desire, you’re making it impossible for people to respect you and give you what you want and keep you feeling safe.
good tags. but i want to respond directly to one thing here bc in a lot of ways it’s the crux of what im talking about. “do not let them find out later that you weren’t actually consenting.” the thing about this is that, if you verbally consent, even if you don’t mean it, you DID consent. your partner cannot read your mind. they cannot anticipate that you weren’t actually feeling it. you don’t then get to turn around and go “oh this person assaulted me because i didn’t actually consent” when you said yes and responded positively to every check in. that person did nothing wrong, you failed to communicate. when someone needs to set a boundary and doesn’t, they’re causing the harm in that situation. their failure to communicate is what is putting them in an unsafe situation.
