Small Life Update (Trigger Warning: Depression/Depressing Thoughts, Mentions of Stress-Induced Sickness, and One (1) Implied Mention of Ideation) But There is a Semi-Happy Ending
(TL; DR: Last week, I got fired from my second ever job after 4 years and I was sad. I'm still a little sad, but I am mostly better. I might try to make more art and post more often since I have nothing better to do until I get a new job.)
Hey.
So, I know I said I was going to try to post more often, and I did have some pieces that I planned to try to have out this past week and a half. Stuff that I thought would be fun for you guys. But something came up right after my last post that put my mental health in a bit of a down state. DON'T WORRY, I AM OKAY AND I AM FEELING A LOT BETTER NOW. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. But it still hurts.
A little over a week ago on Thursday, July 16th, just the day after my last post where I was celebrating my mascot Bella's birthday, I was suddenly let go from my part-time job that I had been at for almost exactly four years. It is only the second job I have ever had in my life (I was hired a couple of months before my 19th birthday), and it was pretty much the only job I knew (I was only at my first job for a month or two before I left to do this last one. So, this was really my first "proper" long-term job). I won't go into too many details about the job because it's not really relevant to this post and I still wish to keep some things in my personal life private. I also don't want to get me or the company in trouble if by any small chance that they see this. I still love all of my coworkers and even all of my managers over there. It was just an unfortunate situation.
I will say that the reason they fired me was something that was pretty understandable and something that was, 100%, my fault. It was purely a performance issue regarding people sometimes not being unable to understand me when I talk, as I sometimes tend to slur my words. I almost never notice it when it happens, and I cannot really help it unless I lock in 24/7. It's just how I talk. But the job partially relies on people being able to understand you clearly, and this was an issue with me that had been raised before. My managers and I tried really hard multiple times over the years to get it controlled, but apparently, I slipped up one too many times. Which really sucks. But I get it.
I was not upset for the reason I was fired. What I was (and still kind of am) upset about is the way and circumstances in which I was fired. The last time I got in trouble for this speech issue a couple months ago, they promised that if I ever got in trouble for this again, I would get a suspension first before they would fire me (if the issue persisted). However, this time, for whatever reason, and by who's decision I don't know, that promise was not delivered, and I was instead fired immediately. When I asked about the promise of suspension that was made to me months prior, I was simply told along the lines of "What would guarantee you would change after the suspension?" Which... hurt. A lot.
In retrospect, the truth was that I had been unhappy there for some time due to the constant pressure of performing as flawlessly as possible and constantly worrying that my words weren't spoken clear enough. I knew I wanted to leave at some point by the end of the year to pursue art and animation, anyway. But the fact that I didn't get to leave on my own terms like how I imagined, and the fact that I was confused/upset about them not delivering what was promised to me, put me at an all-time low.
Due to the suddenness and personal embarrassment of the firing, as well as the buildup of all the time, dedication, and stress I had put into this job that I had been at throughout my entry into early adulthood, I was an emotional wreck. (Not to mention, as I said before, it hurt a lot more because it was my first long-term job and only my second job ever.) I have already been through A LOT these past couple of years, which made things worse for me mentally when this happened. The day after I was fired, I was incredibly sick. I experienced both vomiting and severe diarrhea that whole day. (I have Crohn's disease, which can get more irritated/inflamed when I'm stressed, so I believe that was the cause of the latter.) I didn't leave my room that whole weekend, I think. I felt so worthless and unwanted. Like I couldn't do such a basic thing right. I was having incredibly dark thoughts. Thankfully, after a couple of days, the shock slowly wore off, and I was slowly starting to process it. I still am today, but I am in a much better place now than I was a week ago.
So, what now? While I am still in a bit of a weird state, until I get a new job, I may use this time to focus on art and drawing/posting here some of the ideas I had before all of this went down. I do want to try to get a job in the animation industry if I can. But for now, since I have nothing to do or nowhere to be until further notice, maybe I can push myself to draw and post more. No promises, but I do want to try. I also am thinking about opening commissions, BUT NOTHING HAS BEEN FULLY DECIDED YET.
Sorry for the lengthy post. I didn't think it would be this long. If you read all of this, thank you so much. I'm not really looking for pity. I just wanted to explain where I was physically and mentally to the few followers I have, lol. I hope good things come from this. It really, really sucks right now, but I am slowly healing every day. See y'all hopefully soon.
