[dhwty-writes]

reading the iliad is crazy bc it just wildly flip flops between divine sitcom, the horrors of war, the most beautiful description you've ever read and a list of names that could've been 20 items shorter but absolutely should not be

[pricklysplendours]

I finished reading The Iliad! (My read list is quite something this year)

Things I found unexpectedly entertaining:

Thersites, "who loved the sound of his own voice and had a large store of insulting language at his disposal. He used this gratuitously and offensively'

The adorable bit with Hector's baby being frightened of his plumed helmet, them laughing and having a cuddle

The gods bickering and squabbling like absolute children

Achilles chasing Hector THREE TIMES round the city. Very scooby doo vibes in my head, I'm sorry.

So much of Patroclus' funeral games. Antilochus yelling at his horses, and Menelaus yelling at him "You're the worst driver in the world! Go to hell!"

Ajax tripping on the line of the foot race and landing face first in cattle-dung.

On a more serious note, I loved so much about the language and style - all the metaphors of the sea crashing like the armies, Hector's absolute Avengers moment breaching the Greek's wall, the way Patroclus' death chapter was so often addressed to him. Achilles' grief was so touching and raw. It is such an incredible achievement of writing/storytelling.

Anyway! Enjoyed it, glad I've finished it. Another Wimsey next, though I'd like to try The Oddysey at some point too, as well as Dunnett's King Hereafter.

[peanuts-envy]

There is so much silly shit that happens in the Iliad that Troy (2004, derogatory) ignores and makes it seem like a boring ass war book.

I've really been sleeping on the funeral games, which includes Menelaus getting cut off in the chariot race and then immediately calling a meeting like, "say in front of god and everyone that you cheated 😠"

Antilochus apologizes and gives Menelaus a pretty horse which moves him so much he's shunted into second person POV (Menelaus immediately forgives him and also returns the horse)

[earlgreytea68]

Still reading The Iliad, and I am now up to the part where Achilles holds funeral games for Patroclus. This is definitely my favorite part of the entire epic so far. Things that have happened at these games:

Apollo was angry with the person who was winning the chariot race and so he made his chariot break. We don't get any explanation for why Apollo was angry, he just was.

The person who came in fourth in the chariot race lost because his horses are trash and he sucks as a chariot driver. Guess that one wasn't about the gods lol

Menelaus comes in third in the chariot race and he's like, "Hold up, we all know I should have come in second because this Antilochus who came in second is not as good as I am, so let's just say I came in second." And the Greeks are like, "Makes sense."

And Antilochus is like, "What the hell! I beat you! But just to be nice, here, you can have my prize." (The prize is a mare.)

And Menelaus gets the mare and is like, "I just wanted to see if you would give it to me, you can have it back now." GOD, THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL SO PETTY WITH EACH OTHER.

Then some people who have never been in this epic before beat each other up for a little while.

Then Odysseus and Ajax wrestle for a while, but they're both so good at wrestling that eventually people are like, "Forget it, you both win, let's move on"

They tell Odysseus and Ajax to split the prizes and one of the prizes is a woman who is skilled at many tasks and is worth four oxen

Then there's a footrace and Odysseus wins that, too, because Athena loves him so much that she makes Ajax trip and fall into oxen dung and the dung goes down his throat and up his nostrils (the narrative makes sure to tell us this specifically) and Ajax is all upset about this and is like, "Athena acts like she's your MOM," and all the Greeks laugh at Ajax for being upset that he had to choke on dung

Then there's this random part where Achilles goes over to Nestor and is like, "Here's a prize because you're so old" lol and Nestor is like, "Thank you. I am very old," and then he tells one of his usual stories that he's been telling this entire epic where he goes on and on about how awesome he used to be

Then they think it's a good idea to have a duel and make people fight each other with swords as if this whole thing hasn't been 600 pages of constant, never-ending fighting, and like halfway through this duel the Greeks are like, huh, you know what, this probably isn't a good idea because one of you is going to kill the other and we need all the Greeks we can get to defeat Troy, so they call that a draw, too

Then there's this bit where they have to throw something really far (maybe it's like shot put?) and the first person throws it and the Greeks all laugh at him because he's a loser who didn't throw it very far

Then they kill a dove, because why not?

And then they're supposed to have a javelin throw but I guess Achilles has grown bored so he says, "You know what, let's just say Agamemnon won that, here's your prize," and Agamemnon is like, "Cool."

[madtzi]

Top moments that prove the Iliad is a comedy

- ‘Ares slapped both his sturdy thighs in grief’. This is an actual quote in the book. I am not making this up. I now cannot get this mental image out of my mind. Ares does this when he finds out his son died. Why. Why.

- Everyone except for Diomedes consistently, constantly, and mercilessly hating on Thersites. Fair enough, I hate him too. (Who doesn’t?)

-Menelaus gets slightly grazed in the leg by a Trojan soldier. Agamemnon freaks out and prematurely prepares a dramatic eulogy for his brother, who is alive and literally standing next to him

(Agamemnon: I can’t believe my brother is dead.

Menelaus: Dude, I’m fine. I’m right here.

Agamemnon: Sometimes it’s like I can still hear his voice)

- Odysseus telling Achilles to shut the hell up and sit his ass down because Odysseus is older and smarter and Achilles is being a little bitch.

- This works

- Athena rigging the funeral games to make Odysseus win

- Greater Ajax gets salty that Odysseus is winning and says that Athena is hovering over him like his mother (Great Ajax pulls the ‘ur mom’ card)

- Agamemnon getting a dream telling him he should attack Troy and waking up every Greek general at 3 am because he had a dream. The other generals are, naturally, pissed at Agamemnon for waking them.

- Nestor. Everything about this guy. His sass, his stupid long rants, everything. Why is he even here? The dude’s like 80 years old. And he has like 300 sons. AND he’s still alive in the odyssey, is this guy indestructible ? Nestor deserves to retire.

- Odysseus and Diomedes going on a completely random and unnecessary metal gear solid mission in the middle of the night. Did nothing to advance the plot, but it was fun so I’m here for it.

- Odysseus (on said mission) promises Dolon that they’re not going to kill him if Dolon gives him information about the Trojan camp. Diomedes then immediately decapitates Dolon.

- Achilles mourning for Patroclus by covering himself in dust. I appreciate the homoeroticism, but can we be a little more aware of our personal hygiene?

- Incredibly long, convoluted, unnecessary descriptions of background ncps - their heritage, their armour, what their father did ten years before they were born - only for them to die in on the second page.

- Helen being incredibly passive aggressive the entire book

- Diomedes being an absolute UNIT on the battlefield. This man is cooking the Trojans harder than Gordon Ramsey cooks people who mess up a crème brûlée.

- Diomedes meeting a Trojan man in the middle of his rampage and realizing that their grandfathers met each other once. They immediately become best buddies and trade armour, except the Trojan man gets totally scammed.

- Goddam bucket lists

- Hera seducing Zeus into sleeping with her so that the Greeks will start winning

- Athena giving Diomedes a power-up during battle and telling him not to mess with any gods, except Aphrodite, because she’s a wimp.

There’s more, trust, one day I’ll make a part two

[be-it-so]

The funeral games of Patroclus feel like this beach episode in the middle of a very dark anime

[0ghostwatcher]

It's funny how in every adaptation of Helen she is down bad for Paris while in the Illiad she hyping up her husband to beat him

[patnchilles]

I finally designed the three most loaded characters of the Iliad

[spocktheestallion]

for a tragedy the iliad is pretty funny. compiled some of my favorite things about it (not in chronological order)

- patroclus barely speaks for most of the book but EVERYBODY loves him. like he’s literally the entire greek camp’s precious meow meow. the ORIGINAL sweet little meow meow. even the GODS are sad and feel bad when he dies. even HOMER loves patroclus, always calling him “faultless patroclus” “my patroclus” “gentle patroclus” “sweet patroclus” WE GET IT. achilles, briseis, menelaus, ajax, literally every member of the greek camp is down ATROCIOUS for patroclus all bc he’s just one Really Nice Dude. just one very Sweet and Polite Fella. one Extra Special Guy <3 his whole narrative purpose is simply to be everyone’s special little scrunkly

- in one of the MANY passages where achilles is lamenting about how sad it is that patroclus is dead he promises patroclus’ corpse that he will have many deep-bosomed trojan and dardanian women weep for him. he tells his dead buddy “i will get the absolute THICKEST hoes with the BIGGEST mommy milkers for your funeral” honestly? id be honored

- all the arguments escalate so quickly. an old man very politely appeals to agamemnon to pretty please give his daughter back and offers him a huge fortune for her and agamemnon calls him a crotchety old bitch and tells him he’ll fucking kill him if he ever sees him again

- that same old man is a priest of apollo. you know, the plague god? anyway priest calls in a favor and apollo curses the greeks with a plague

- to address this, achilles decides to resolve it by calling all the greeks together and passive aggressively going “HM! i WONDER what could have caused a PLAGUE! it’s almost like we OFFENDED the PLAGUE GOD somehow. now WHAT could WE (cough agamemnon) done to offend the PLAGUE GOD?????” all in front of agamemnon

- zeus spends most of the book desperately trying to keep the gods OUT of the war. then once he’s finally had enough he just calls them all together and says “go nuts” and then they do

- artemis talks shit on the battlefield so hera calls her a bitch, steals her bow, and beats her with it. artemis then goes back to zeus and cries

- polydamas says to hector “hey you killed patroclus and achilles is gonna be fucking pissed. we should probably go back to the city while we can” and hector calls him a bitch and tells him to stfu. achilles then chases them back to the city and hector decides to stay outside and get killed by achilles instead of going in with the rest of the army bc he didn’t wanna hear polydamas say “i told you so”

- diomedes is about to fight with a guy called glaucus but then they realize their ancestors were friends or something so they decide not to kill each other, and diomedes says “hey! why don’t we even trade armor! :) just as a show of friendship! :))” and glaucus is like “yeah sure!” and gives diomedes his really nice gold plated armor while glaucus gets diomedes’ shitty plain bronze armor

- achilles makes a bitchy comment to his horses about leaving patroclus to die and the horse momentarily gains the ability to talk just to tell achilles it wasn’t THEIR goddamn fault, tells achilles he’s gonna die soon, and then goes back to being a normal horse.

- zeus with his daughters: oh child ❤️ oh my dear ❤️ oh there there i didn’t really mean it ❤️ sweetie why don’t you go help the greeks?❤️

- zeus with his sons: “ares you fucking donkey”

- everyone calling paris a stupid coward bitch every time they see him. all of troy fucking hates him. hector fucking hates him. helen fucking hates him.

- paris getting dressed up in fancy armor and prancing to the front lines going “i’ll fight ANY of you greeks!” and menelaus (the guy whose wife he stole) goes “alright bet” and paris nearly pisses his pants and tries to hide but then his brother hector calls him a piece of shit and tells him he hopes he dies and makes him fight menelaus. menelaus promptly ROCKS HIS SHIT. literally starts dragging him by his helmet like a rag doll, would’ve killed him if aphrodite hadn’t teleported paris outta there (BOO)

[enixamyram]

I think I've realised one of the reasons Ares is becoming my favourite Greek God. And it's because his story is such a sad one.

(Note; there are obviously many interpretations and versions to the Greek stories but if I've gotten something blatantly wrong, feel free to correct me but please include a source - not because I think you're lying but because I want more stuff to read/watch about Greek Myths!)

Ares is constantly looked down on, belittled and mocked by even his own father for simply being who he is - his father even tells him everyone hates him and that if Ares weren't related by blood, he would let him suffer and die. The other God's are often just as violent and even war hungry as one another yet they look down on Ares because of these same qualities. Because he is the ugly side of war, the bloodthirsty side and they wouldn't be the gods if they weren't complete hypocrites; thriving in war but also hating a big part of what makes it so.

Meanwhile Ares is also the God who truly mourns for and protects his children, something not many of the other Gods can claim. (One could wonder if this trait doesn't specifically come from being shunned by his own father...) But this side of him - and frankly any that is somewhat positive - is either overshadowed or all out ignored in favour of painting him as a black and white violent villain.

I also think this is connected to my growing dislike of Athena. Partly because she seems to be falling into the modern day media trope of "give woman armour and make her strong and therefore she's a badass feminist" which is not accurate at all. But also because she is often described as Zeus's golden child. You know, the one who sneers at the other child behind their parents back because they know they are more loved and revel in it. And really, who ever likes this kid? (I mean, audience-wise. Clearly Zeus likes this kid!)

[achillesisnotcomingdown]

How I think the Achaean kings would drive, based purely on their vibes

Agammenon : he drives a BMW. (If you're not familiar with BMW drivers (lucky you) then let's just say he thinks owning the biggest car = owning the road.)

Achilles : speed limit and traffic lights are merely suggestions. He drove against traffic for most of the ride. He took at least 5 closed roads. He outran 2 different police cars. You feared for your life the whole time but you arrived early so its a win???

Odysseus : "don't worry ik a shortcut" but it takes you 3h to do 60km. It's not his fault, he's not actually a bad driver, he just has the worst luck ever. The road he planned to take is closed for some reason so he has to go by the countryside and then his phone dies and he gets stopped by police 3 times for random controls and then he-

Patroclus : very sporty and fast driving style. Kind of like Achilles, but less intense. He's pretty chill until someone pisses him off (you should fear his road rage)

Menelaus : actually the most normal driver out here. He likes to listen to music when he drives. I don't have much to say he's just some guy (good for him!)

Diomedes : so scary. You are terrified on the passenger side seat you can't even be mad at him bc technically he did nothing illegal (somehow.)

Nestor : a radio. No matter where he goes he will pass by a location and go "oh did you know that I used to come here for..." And then he's going for hours. Also I feel like he insults a lot other drivers.

[gale-gentlepenguin]

The funniest thing about the Odyssey is when you learn that the main reason the Trojan war happened, it’s partially Odysseus fault.

Okay so the whole point of the Trojan war was to rescue one woman, Helen of Troy.

Now why would a bunch of kingdoms even care about one woman so badly?

Well a time before the Trojan war, Helen was basically the number one bachelorette in the ancient world. So she had a F*** ton of suitors. The father of Helen was legit nervous about having one actually marry his daughter, because whoever he picked would be happy, but the rest of the countries would be pissed. And he didn’t want war.

So in comes Odysseus, who was technically one of the suitors, but he actually wasn’t as interested in her. Nah, he had his sights on Penelope of Sparta, daughter of Icarius . So he goes to Helen’s dad. And tells the king he will solve the problem if he puts in a good word for him to Penelope’s dad about him courting his daughter. And the king agrees and asks for the solution.

“Hey King, why don’t you make all the men here swear an oath to protect the marriage of whoever is chosen. That way you don’t have to worry about war.”

Helen’s dad (human dad) king Tyndareus makes them all swear the oath to protect the marriage of Helen to who ever was chosen. Even if it meant war.

So the suitors agreed and the winner ended up being a guy named Menelaus. So Helen married Menelaus.

The king was happy with his son in law. No suitors revolted or started a war…

Until years later where Aphrodite promised a guy named Paris the hottest women in the world if he said he was the fairest compared to Athena and Hera. To which he agreed.

He stole Helen (who was kidnapped or went with him willingly because Aphrodite did some sneaky stuff.)

And because of the oath, EVERYONE of the suitors had to go fight for Helen, and they would bring their forces.

Funny enough Odysseus also had to go, even though he really didn’t want to, because he was after Penelope and got the woman he wanted. Dude already had a family and kid. Now he has to go to war.

Which shows how Odysseus life was ALWAYS shaped around Penelope. Even when he has to fight in a war for another woman

[page-archived]

menelaus with the most amazing fashion taste x odysseus who wore the first thing he saw.

[emandemms]

i'm halfway through the iliad and i've got even more things to add to my "why did no one tell me the iliad was a comedy??" list. probably worth mentioning that i'm reading the emily wilson translation btw!!!

part one!!!

- diomedes telling glaucus he's "not one to fight the heavenly gods" immediately after fighting not one, but TWO of said heavenly gods.

- athena and hera wanting to throw hands with zeus in book 8.

- athena and hera ALSO being petty as all hell and actively ignoring zeus when they return to olympus after he told them to stand down. deserved, if you ask me.

- diomedes calling odysseus a coward when asking for odysseus to help him save nestor.

- "stubborn odysseus" then immediately proceeding to ignore him, and running back to the ships. honestly, don't know what diomedes was expecting, calling the guy a bunch of names like that.

- hector and greater ajax throwing ROCKS at each other in the middle of battle.

- diomedes scolding agamemnon for suggesting that the greeks retreat. the guy had it coming, and diomedes read him like a book and it was beautiful.

- odysseus not calling achilles by name after he and greater ajax came back from an attempt to persuade achilles to forgive agamemnon. he really just told agamemnon and the rest of the greek lords: "this guy is an asshole, y'all, he's still all worked up about it. ain't no way we getting him off his ass to fight."

- the entirety of book 10 feels like a fever dream and i'm kind of obsessed, regardless of what historians/classicists have to say about it. like wdym diomedes and odysseus go out on a little night time stroll while the greek camp is under siege, kill a bunch of men, and come back with some fancy ass horses and weapons??

- nestor kicking poor diomedes awake when diomedes was sleeping on the ground in front of his tent. like, damn old man, you could at least try to see if he'd wake up if you called his name or some shit.

- this is also funny as fuck when you consider that literally a few hours ago, diomedes busted his ass to save nestor's life. this is why we don't help people, kids.

- odysseus telling diomedes that there was no need for diomedes to praise him because "everyone knows i'm hot shit dude, let's just go and get this over with."

- diomedes calling paris a "sleazy flirt" after paris shot him in the foot with an arrow. he calls him a LOT of names, but he basically just calls paris a cowardly, weak-ass slut, which is spot on if i'm being totally honest.

- odysseus immediately trying to mentally hype himself up after diomedes left him alone on the battlefield. he really just stood there like "oh fuck, i can't run because i'm not a spineless coward but i'm all alone out here what the fuck am i gonna do!!!??" gotta feel a little bad for the guy.

- diomedes' and hector's beef. they HATE each other and it honestly cracks me up. diomedes is constantly ragging on hector for being babied by apollo and hector basically keeps saying diomedes is a rabid animal that's out of control.

- hector telling his horses they're lucky because andromache gives them the good wine first, before he gets any. he really said "my wife loves me but i guess she loves you guys more, how the FUCK did you get so lucky???"

[sophia1959]

Hear me out

The iliad, but they all 5 and fight over a toy Menelaus showed them

Nestor is the old man cause hes 6 and like, super smart

The gods are their parents/older siblings who took them to the park

[emandemms]

recently, i read the iliad for the first time and i made a "no one told me the iliad was a comedy??" list while reading it, so here's the list in its entirety!!!

- diomedes in all of book five.

- athena telling diomedes he shouldn't fight any of the gods that may show up on the battlefield, except for aphrodite, because what's she gonna do, fight back?

- athena then lecturing diomedes for NOT fighting ares, and diomedes proceeding to tell her "dude, you literally told me not to fight him, what do you want from me?"

- achilles and his pure hatred for agamemnon. someone give this man a shirt that says "number one agamemnon hater".

- achilles and agamemnon arguing the entire time they're in the vicinity of each other. every time they talked, it was like two kids coming up with every insult under the sun without outwardly cursing each other out.

- agamemnon essentially calling achilles a whiny bitch. kind of iconic.

- a popular favorite but: odysseus going around and beating the men who wanted to leave with a fancy ceremonial stick. it just never gets old.

- odysseus being that one guy who never shuts up about his kid while beating the living shit out of thersites. he very proudly calls himself the "father of telemachus" while verbally and physically abusing this man.

- odysseus once again referring to himself as the "loving father of telemachus" when agamemnon is trying to piss him off so he'll join the battle. i'm pretty sure this is a fairly common thing for odysseus to do, and you got to love him for it.

- another popular favorite: agamemnon mourning his very-much-so-still-alive younger brother after menelaus gets shot by an arrow in the thigh. menelaus quickly realizes he's fine and asks his brother to stop lamenting his "death" because if he keeps it up, he's gonna spook the rest of the men and that's just not what they need right now.

- and then agamemnon immediately being like "oh, word? okay, but you need a doctor- SOMEONE GET THE DOCTOR!"

- athena grabbing achilles' hair during the argument between achilles and agamemnon in book one when achilles is deadass about to just kill agamemnon because he's mad as hell. she then proceeds to tell achilles to call agamemnon names instead and books it.

- helen being the bad bitch she is whenever she's on the page, despite her circumstances. not only does she flat out tell paris she wishes he had been killed, but she basically tells aphrodite to bed paris herself, which is ballsy as fuck and i have nothing but respect for her.

- speaking of paris: hector absolutely TEARING into paris after he flees from fighting menelaus one-on-one. he really just says that paris is only good for looking pretty and he wishes paris had never been born which, honestly, good for him.

- priam asking helen to point out the various greek leaders and immediately calling agamemnon handsome. idk why but it made me chuckle just a bit.

- priam also comparing odysseus to a ram, which is such a wonderful visual and i think about it a lot.

- antenor, one of priam's advisors, recognizing odysseus when helen points him out and immediately going: "oh, that motherfucker, i remember him. he looks like an idiot, but man, does he know how to use his words to win over a crowd."

- nestor essentially saying "back in my day-" every time he opens his damn mouth. i love him and he never shuts up once he gets going.

- diomedes telling glaucus he's "not one to fight the heavenly gods" immediately after fighting not one, but TWO of said heavenly gods.

- athena and hera wanting to throw hands with zeus in book 8.

- athena and hera ALSO being petty as all hell and actively ignoring zeus after he told them to stand down. deserved, if you ask me.

- diomedes calling odysseus a coward when asking for odysseus to help him save nestor.

- "stubborn odysseus" then ignores him, and runs back to the ships. honestly, don't know what diomedes was expecting, calling the guy a bunch of names.

- hector and greater ajax throwing ROCKS at each other in the middle of battle.

- diomedes scolding agamemnon for suggesting that the greeks retreat. the guy had it coming, and diomedes read him like a book and it was beautiful.

- odysseus not calling achilles by name after he and greater ajax came back from an attempt to persuade achilles to forgive agamemnon. he really just told agamemnon and the rest of the greek lords: "this guy is an asshole, y'all, he's still all worked up about it. ain't no way we getting him off his ass to fight."

- the entirety of book 10 feels like a fever dream and i'm kind of obsessed, regardless of what historians/classicists have to say about it. like wdym diomedes and odysseus go out on a little night time stroll while the greek camp is under siege, kill a bunch of men, and come back with some fancy ass horses and weapons??

- nestor kicking poor diomedes awake when diomedes was sleeping on the ground in front of his tent. like, damn old man, you could at least try to see if he'd wake up if you called his name or some shit.

- this is also funny as fuck when you consider that literally a few hours ago, diomedes busted his ass to save nestor's life. this is why we don't help people, kids.

- odysseus telling diomedes that there was no need for diomedes to praise him because "everyone knows i'm hot shit dude, let's just go and get this over with."

- diomedes calling paris a "sleazy flirt" after paris shot him in the foot with an arrow. he calls him a LOT of names, but he basically just calls paris a cowardly, weak-ass slut, which is spot on if i'm being totally honest.

- odysseus immediately trying to mentally hype himself up after diomedes left him alone on the battlefield. he really just stood there like "oh fuck, i can't run because i'm not a spineless coward but i'm all alone out here what the fuck am i gonna do!!!??" gotta feel a little bad for the guy.

- diomedes' and hector's beef. they HATE each other and it honestly cracks me up. diomedes is constantly ragging on hector for being babied by apollo and hector basically keeps saying diomedes is a rabid animal that's out of control.

- hector telling his horses they're lucky because andromache gives them the good wine first, before he gets any. he really said "my wife loves me but i guess she loves you guys more, how the FUCK did you get so lucky???"

- idomeneus and meriones running into each other in the greek camp while everyone else is fighting. fully imagined them just standing there and pointing at each other like: "yo, dude, what are you doing here?"

- meriones, instead of going to his own tent, decides to take a spear from idomeneus and basically tells idomeneus "dude, my tent is so far, please don't make me go all the way out there and just let me borrow one of yours."

- idomeneus being totally chill with it, so long as they hurry the fuck up and no one sees them away from the battlefield because then people will think they're cowardly losers.

- patroclus.

- no further notes on this one, just patroclus. what a guy.

- agamemnon trying to convince the rest of the greeks to retreat in the middle of battle. AGAIN.

- and agamemnon keeps on doing this, throughout several books at this point, and it's actually kind of impressive. i guess he really just wants to leave troy because he's sick and tired of NOT winning all the time.

- odysseus having absolutely none of this and immediately putting agamemnon on blast. odysseus literally curses him and calls agamemnon pathetic and dishonorable. preach it, king.

- and agamemnon actually listens to odysseus and immediately goes "shit, you right, my bad."

- posideon and zeus beefing in book 15.

- specifically posideon basically saying that if zeus doesn't let the greeks win, he's never going to forgive zeus. peak sibling behavior.

- meriones and aeneas shit-talking each other in the middle of a very intense, very important battle.

- this is immediately followed by patroclus telling meriones to "stop yapping and throw hands".

- in retrospect, patroclus probably regrets saying that, given that throwing hands is what got his ass killed.

- patroclus throwing a massive rock at some trojan, effectively killing the poor guy, then proceeding to mock the way the trojan fell as he died. absolutely FOUL behavior and it made me giggle just a little bit.

- i should probably mention that this "poor guy" was cebriones, hector's current charioteer and half-brother. hector's proceeding crash out was completely understandable, when you think about it.

- odysseus reminding achilles of the importance of breakfast. eat your breakfast people!!!

- odysseus also telling achilles to "shut the hell up because i'm older and therefore wiser and i know what i'm talking about so zip it and let me speak".

- aeneas telling achilles to stop yapping on the battlefield when it was actually HIM who was in the middle of a good old homeric "this is my dad and this was his dad and his dad did this" speech.

- achilles damn near about to crash out when apollo kept protecting hector. this man tried to kill hector FOUR TIMES and apollo just yanked hector out of the way each time. achilles was like "oh, so apollo favors you? yeah, well, if any of the gods like me, next time i see you, i'm gonna FUCK YOU UP!!!"

- achilles beefing with a river.

- like dude, stop KILLING people in the water, you're clogging the river and that's just not cool. respect the environment, asshole.

- book 21 is really just "angry man yells at river before being swept away by the waters of divine fury".

- athena decking ares and aphrodite. she was really sick and tired of them at this point.

- posideon essentially calling apollo a little shit when apollo kept siding with the trojans.

- apollo sending achilles on a wild goose chase while disguised as a trojan. it's giving tom and jerry, i can't even lie.

- achilles beefing with apollo. just in general.

- this can also be extended to: apollo beefing with achilles. and we all know how that ends!!!

- hector being bamboozled by his own idea of trying to beg for mercy and understanding from achilles. he really was like "why the fuck am i trying to problem solve this, the guy wants me dead. ain't no way he's gonna listen to anything i say".

- a popular favorite that i think deserves a quick mention: hector and achilles running around troy three fucking times. tom and jerry part two????? except this is an alternate universe where tom catches jerry and it's not pretty.

- nestor giving antilochus advice on how to win the chariot race even though antilochus knows what he's doing.

- this is extra funny when antilochus turns around and cheats to get ahead of menelaus. an asshole move, but so incredibly real and i can't even say i blame him.

- apollo knocking diomedes' whip out of his hand during the race. out of spite.

- it's actually because diomedes had taken aeneas' horses in book 5 and diomedes was using them in the race, but still. petty and spiteful and i love it.

- athena immediately rushing to grab the whip to return it to diomedes. athena is playing favorites again and she's not even trying to hide it.

- lesser ajax and idomeneus bickering during the chariot race. SPECIFICALLY idomeneus telling lesser ajax "young man, you're real good at arguing and bitching, but man, where the fuck are your brains at?"

- the ONE TIME achilles is mentioned smiling is when antilochus is throwing a fit about not receiving his due prize and i think that's beautiful.

- achilles really saw his friend complaining and said "that's my bro how can i NOT give him exactly what he wants?"

- menelaus tearing into antilochus and shaming him for cheating during the race in front of everyone.

- mans really told antilochus to swear on posideon that he didn't cheat so of course antilochus is like "shit shit i can't make that oath because i did cheat and i am NOT getting on the shit list of any god".

- so antilochus is like "okay menelaus, my bad old man, i'm just so young and spry that i can't help myself sometimes".

- and then he just gives menelaus the mare that was the second place prize to avoid making an untrue oath while STILL managing to insist he won fair and square.

- smart guy.

- menelaus also being like "okay, i forgive you because you are usually pretty well behaved so let's just chalk this up to like, temporary insanity or something".

- AND THEN menelaus gives the mare BACK to antilochus.

- menelaus is a softie at heart and antilochus knew it and absolutely took advantage of it and WON. bro played the long game and it was so worth it. this whole sequence was so entertaining to me, can you tell?

- nestor, the absolute icon that he is, once again going off on one of his rants. everyone say "i heart nestor".

- the footrace between lesser ajax, odysseus, and antilochus.

- namely odysseus praying to athena to help him win the race, which she does, of course. she gives odysseus a little boost and she TRIPS lesser ajax, which causes him to fall face first into a pile of cow shit.

- it gets in his mouth and nose y'all, it's nasty as fuck.

- i also think it's funny that odysseus is the oldest of the three of them, and even without athena's help at the end he was right behind lesser ajax the entire time.

- of course i have to mention lesser ajax whining about the fact that athena dotes on odysseus like a mother.

- and odysseus not saying anything to argue because he knew lesser ajax wasn't really wrong about that.

- antilochus also saying that the gods have a habit of favoring old men.

- old man odysseus for the win!!!!!

- it also cracks me up at how obvious it is that achilles favors antilochus y'all, it's HILARIOUS.

- antilochus goes after the race and starts talking about how "odysseus is an old man, but boy, he's almost as fast as achilles!" and achilles is over here like "yeah, he totally is, you're so right. here, have some more gold for being my number one hype man".

[decomposingfungi]

the greeks in the iliad pulling 100 cows out of nowhere to sacrifice to the gods in the middle of the war. where are you getting all those cows