Waiting Game

@ryderlowe; "You put the dumb in dumbass." -Ace

[ryderlowe]

AND I MAY BE TOO SAD BC 

MATT 

IS 

LEAVING

goodbye world for I am dead. 

[carterranson-blog]

  James Brown died on Christmas Day. So did Charlie Chaplin. So, you wouldn’t be following a terrible line-up.

[ryderlowe]

I have no idea who either of those people are, but good. 

[margotofrph-deactivated20201016]

  Oh that sounds amazing. I just bummed around in my pi’s to be honest with you. Did you have a kiss under the mistletoe?

[ryderlowe]

That sounds better than being busy, lets be honest. No, I was with family all day. 

[carterranson-blog]

  Don’t do that. It’ll be sad.

[ryderlowe]

At least I'll die happy, right? Christmas would be a wonderful yet tragic day to die. 

[margotofrph-deactivated20201016]

  Oh, I thought you weren’t feeling well… But it’s great you’re in full health.. besides your exhaustion.

[ryderlowe]

I think I'm going to just die in bed, that sounds good. 

[jax-cantella]

  Eat too much, Ry?

[ryderlowe]

Part of it yeah, It's just been a looong day. 

[carterranson-blog]

  Well that’s never fun.

[ryderlowe]

No.. I'm going to die. 

[margotofrph-deactivated20201016]

  Oh no, are you going to faint? Can I help you to get anywhere?

[ryderlowe]

Oh, no. I just am wore out from today, Christmas is always so overwhelming.

[jax-cantella]

Bleeding Out||Ace + Ryder|| TW; Self- Harm

[jax-cantella]

  Ace smiled back but just as weak as Ryder, maybe even weaker. It’s not that Ace was depressed, he had a pretty decent life, besides his parent’s being total dicks and always fighting. He had great friends that always stuck by but even though he wasn’t depressed he definitely wasn’t happy. He was happy to the point where he could smile and laugh, but only because other people made him smile or laugh. On his own, he wasn’t happy, mostly because his home life. It’s un-safe to feel worried when your siblings are alone with your parents, or better yet your little sister alone with them. What if they snapped on her while fighting with each other? Ace was too worried about his siblings way more than he was about himself, which is why he doesn’t mind the cutting.

"I’ll never get over it completely,but someday I’ll forget it ever happened, forget my teenager life, shove it behind me. I know what you’re saying but I dunno how long it’s gonna take me to get over it, but I will. Eventually." Ace shrugged slipping his fingers into his lap as his left hand fiddled with the bracelets on his right. "Oh I know, I know that. Ryder, I know you more than most people, I know how you are." he sighed, standing up he walked over to the bathroom and slipped off his bracelets to wash his arm, and then his hand that the blade went through. Once he was done he walked back into his room and walked over to the closet, scanning the rack. He threw off the bloody shirt and kicked it to the corner and grabbed a new freshly cleaned sweater and placed it on. He grabbed a T-shirt off of the T-shirt rack and tossed one to Ryder and sat back on the floor in front of him. "Hungry? I want some Chinese food."

[ryderlowe]

"I wouldn't say you will forget about it, I mean. You will always remember,  You will always have it in the back of your mind. Even if you suppress it, I hate to make it sound worse.. but it's not all bad. I mean that kid Dave from the book "A Child Called It" I mean, it made him a better man, he was a great father, he wrote a book about it and it made him money, so hey, maybe you'll learn from this?" He remembered reading the book, he didn't read it for his own entertainment, freshman year his English class had them read it. He could honestly say he loved it, yet hated it. He wanted to kill the mother, he thought she deserved it. 

Ryder sighed, he knew Ace did, which made him feel a tad bit better, but not completely. He knew this was going to end badly, just because he was stupid. At least it didn't mean anything, not like he was going to try and steal him from Oliver, he'd never do that. He sat on the bed as he waited for Ace to come back. He sat rubbing off some of the dried blood on his arm. When the shirt hit him he slipped off his shirt slipping on the other, the feeling of the blood still remained, he tried to ignore it. "I am a growing male, yes I am hungry. And, Chinese food sounds fine to me!" 

[ryderlowe]

I think I'm about to pass out. 

[jax-cantella]

Bleeding Out||Ace + Ryder|| TW; Self- Harm

[jax-cantella]

"Yeah I know, I do." He sighed in return, knowing that he wouldn’t understand. Ace wasn’t sure how Ryder was going to help him,but he knew it could be done somehow, he knew they would be able to figure it out. Ryder was smart when he thought about it,when he wanted to be and Ace knew he could figure out how he could help him, even if it wasn’t going to be easy. He just needed to know that some of his friends were gonna be there for him no matter what, and Ryder was one of those people.

"I know, but even not talking about it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. It’s still in my mind, but lets face it, it will always be in my mind." Ace pursed his lips, not really knowing what to say or do at this point. His mind was roaming from his parents, to how he was going to get and help and most importantly how he was going to tell his boyfriend what happened. Ace shook his head "I-I just, you didn’t know what to do and I get it, just next time something happens, think before you try and kiss me." he chuckled softly, and then realized both of them were covered in Ace’s blood. "No, no you don’t have to leave, but I should get you a clean shirt, because I’m sure you don’t want my blood all over you anymore."

[ryderlowe]

Ryder tried to smile, it only came off as a weak one. He felt to bad to be able to smile, his friend was sitting her, depressed or sad or however he felt, and he needed to help him. How would someone feel to be treated like that from their own parents, like an outcast. Not very good, he could feel alone, like nobody could help, because how could someone help when they are his parents? Nobody ever taught us in school how to deal with parent abuse, only bullying. Which in the end was useless and never worked. You can't tell anyone about this, what could they do and would it even help? Ryder let a sigh roll of his lips.

"Maybe you will slowly, not like, get over it but, accept it? Does that make sense? Accepting what happened, I imagine it could make you a better person.. I'm just babbling here.." Ryder rubbed his arms, he didn't really know what else to say. He didn't have any other words, words just never cooperated with him. "Don't think it meant anything, I don't have some secret crush on you or anything, I don't. I wasn't trying to ruin anything for you, I just was being me. After Ace mentioned it, he noticed his damp shirt that was sticking to his back, he knew it was his blood, and it made him cringe inside. He nodded slowly, "Yeah.. Blood really isn't.. my favorite thing."

[ryderlowe]

Text|| Biggest Idiot

Ace: Sorry if he starts to dislike you or whatever.

Ry: You shouldn't be sorry, I was the dumbass who didn't think before what I did. He should dislike me.

[jax-cantella]

Bleeding Out||Ace + Ryder|| TW; Self- Harm

[jax-cantella]

  "Right, but I don’t want you to try and understand for your own sanity." Ace nodded knowing he was serious about always being there for him. As his best friend, and maybe even as his brother. Ryder was one of the most important people in his life, and he was another one who know’s his deepest secret. He was happy that he didn’t just go running as soon as he found out about it, that he actually helped him. He knew Ryder wouldn’t be able to understand easily because his family was nothing like Ace’s they might even be the opposite, but he knew he would try for Ace. 

Ace swallowed, blinking to stop himself from crying again. Even though by now he didn’t have tears left in him,they were dried out by now, all washed up. “N-no, no I’ve talked about it plenty of times, it’s just an emotional time for me, Ry.” he sighed, fiddling with his bracelets. “Did you really think kissing me was gonna stop me from feeling this way? Such a dumb ass I swear.” he shook his head, sighing. “At first I was like uh- but then I was like oh? Like why is my best friend kissing me, and now I feel like shit. I just cheated on the person I care about most.”

[ryderlowe]

"It wasn't like I was ever going to be able to understand, lets be real here." He sighed, all he could do now, was be by his side, and help him. Ryder didn't know what to do about it, was he just going to ask him daily if he didn't cut that day? How do you help someone who's depressed.. Ryder had no idea, but he knew he had to find out how. He wouldn't just sit there and just.. be there. He was going to do something, something that will help, for sure. 

Ryder fiddled with his fingers, looking down as he talked, "Okay, I just don't want you to have to talk about it, or not talk about it if one of them makes you sad.." He shrugged, he didn't even know what he was saying at this point, anything he thought would sound helpful was what he said. "No, not make you feel better, just stop you from crying. I thought -- actually I didn't even think, When do I ever think?" Ryder sighed when he talked, he was the reason for that, for him cheating on Oliver, just because he didn't think, because he was being a dumb ass and not doing what was smart. "No, it's my fault, I did that.. you didn't, should I just leave before I ruin your life more?" Ryder laughed softly, unsure if he was joking or was being serious. 

[ryderlowe]

Text|| Biggest Idiot

Ace: I'm just gonna tell him exactly what happened. From the beginning.

Ry: Okay, that sounds better, do that.

[ryderlowe]

Text|| Biggest Idiot

Ace: Ry. I have to tell him.

Ace: It's gonna eat me alive if I don't.

Ry: Like I said, tell him I did it, well.. because I did. It didn't mean anything, It was just a mistake..

[margotofrph-deactivated20201016]

  No it’s like… well this time of year its Christmas Songs. But normally it’s just like the radio songs but they are played 5 times an hours because it’s the same disc on rotation.

[ryderlowe]

That sounds a little worse than elevator music.. 

[jax-cantella]

Bleeding Out||Ace + Ryder|| TW; Self- Harm

[jax-cantella]

"You don’t half to understand, I mean I want you too but it’s not an easy thing to understand. But I know you’ll always be here for me, and I know you’ll always want to help." Ace didn’t want Ryder to feel like he couldn’t help him. He knew he could, he knew he could do something to help, or maybe he could just be there, but Ace knew he would be there. Sighing Ace reached for his bracelets, slipping them back on, to once again hide the scars. 

Ace took his eyes away from Ryder, he knew he was right. His parent’s weren’t the greatest but they tried to be, when they weren’t yelling at each other, or screaming to the top of their lungs.”I mean they’ve done it. He’s done it, more than her. All they do is scream at each other. Do you know how many plates she’s thrown at him? One day she’s not gonna miss.” he shook his head, he could feel his tears coming back from the words he was saying. “I knew you were a dumb ass since the day I met you, but seriously. Ry don’t worry about it, he won’t find out. If we keep this between us,nobody else will no. But w-why did you kiss me?” He raised an eyebrow.

[ryderlowe]

"No, it's not an easy thing to understand, and that's the worst part. I will, I promise, I will. After this, how could I not." Ryder felt a bit better knowing he could at least be there, that's all he is going to be able to do. Maybe if he just tried to think of what it was like, he could understand. But he doubted it, his parents never fought, they never did anything to hurt them or each other, he had a normal life, which right now he hated. He never really noticed how much he took his life for granted, and now he felt like shit doing it. 

He saw him start to tear up again, he started to feel bad for letting him talk about his life, "I don't want to know if you don't have to talk about it, if you think that it makes you more sad, you can just stop talking about it.. I don't want you to, feel sad again." Ryder laughed softly for the first time in the long moments, "Yeah, I think my dumbassness is pretty out there.. I just, I didn't want you crying anymore, the worst reason ever to kiss someone, I just panicked. I'm sorry, I really am, I thought you'd push me away and punch me or something, I just can't stand crying.. another stupid reason." He shrugged weakly.