If I survive, can I go home?

♈☀️♊️🌕 ♐☝🏻 28,bi,She/Her Spent a decade on here being called whyisallthecoolstufftaken Would make an excellent dragon, purveyor of shiney trinkets weird and wonderful. Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass.

[the-quasar-hero]

I could NOT be in feudal Japan. Here are some reasons why

I wasn’t born then.

[dreamyslothbunny]

WRONG! Time travel beam

[the-quasar-hero]

[trans-girl-nausicaa]

list of (HIGHLY ETHICAL) USA military jobs where you don’t have to kill anyone:

Public Affairs. Have you ever wanted to make literal government propaganda? Well now you get to.

Emotional Support Animal Handler. The emotional support animal in question is a mutt that one of your Battle Buddies “rescued” from Afghanistan. He named the dog “Kunduz Hospital Airstrike”

Depleted Uranium Munitions Handler

Recruiter Who Specifically Targets Teenagers

Priest Who Tries To Convince Murderers That They Aren’t Going To Hell

Guy who brings Hot Pockets™ to drone operators and fruitlessly discourages them from using the term “Bug Splat”

Guy who keeps the buildings full of munitions from catching on fire. (It’s really really important that those munitions dont explode until they impact an apartment block in the global south)

Guy who stands on the deck of Coast Guard vessels and hollers threats at migrants in the worst Spanish you’ve ever heard

Guy who maintains and repairs multimillion dollar murder machines

Guy Who Trains Guys To Kill Without Hesitation or Remorse

Sex Trafficker (Army)

Sex Trafficker (Navy)

Sex Trafficker (Marines)

[wizardarchetypes]

y’all.

last night someone left the door open and none of us could figure out who did it. not a huge deal but it’s important to keep the animals in, if they were to get out of their room into the main space. since we all swore we shut it behind us we decided to look back at the motion sensor game cam to see if it bounced open or something so we could fix it so it wouldn’t do that.

i was like “it had to have somehow bounced open. it’s not like anyone out here would be breaking in.”

my friend joked, “there were a few deer in the pasture last night that looked shifty.”

Well you’re never gonna fucking believe this. 

[wizardarchetypes]

I even thought to myself “maybe it was me?” because of my ADHD. but shutting doors and gates is one of my ONLY reliable habits because i’ve been on farms my whole life.

I’m never second-guessing myself again after this, frankly. from now on when I misplace my keys I’m gonna be like, well maybe they were taken by a wild animal.

[officerhaughtstuff]

You’ve heard of the Roaring 20s........

now get ready for the Screaming 20s - coming to a decade near you in 2020

[heterokatedison]

is it too early or can we start screaming now

[heterokatedison]

in retrospect perhaps we should have started sooner

[jorolle]

this post is the equivalent of a newspaper from the day of the outbreak being blown past by the wind after you wake up in a post apocalyptic world

[mcsryaoihell]

my bonnies

[dramatic-dolphin]

i love declining birth rates 🥰 "what a horrible problem! society will collapse!" oopsie it looks like you're gonna have to make having children worth it 😊 teehee you're gonna have to improve society in order to fix this problem, or it will all collapse. oh noooooo. how horrible. :3c

[weirdthingifoundonline]

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

hmmm

[thepeacefulgarden]

[anonbeadraws]

today's warm up: People carve their names into the crook when they find it, but it's a risky business, the flood is unpredictable.

[lesbianshepard]

waaaay back when I was a cashier in retail we would talk about dumb shit while unloading the truck, and we got to the "what would you do in a zombie apocalypse" me and another worker were like yeah we would just die. End it all, we can't fight or run or shit. I refuse to put that much effort into survival.

And my manager was like no!!!! If that happened, I would drive to find you guys in my truck and we could eat stuff from my wife's garden and I would make sure everyone I know survived!! I would carry you all on my shoulders away from the zombies!!

Anyway, random shout out to that guy. You were too kind for retail management, Devin.

[lesbianshepard]

also afterwards everyone who was talking about their cool bunker fantasies were like "Damn, Devin's right, we should also be considering helping people around us." which is the only recorded instance of a retail shift making people better human beings.

[ms-demeanor]

I don't know who needs to hear this but your brain is lying to you and you don't need to wait until there's a round number on the clock to go the fuck to bed or start that project or eat a meal.

Get up and do it now.

[oodlenoodleroodle]

There is a German art group called Pataphysical Institute Basel that I collaborated with on an art festival a few years ago, and one of their things was that they wanted everything done in "Pataphysical time" which in practice meant that nothing should be scheduled to start at exactly on the hour or half past the hour, and instead the start time should be something weird like three minutes past etc.

That was surprisingly helpful and I have since then been on "Pataphysical time" like I don't place special importance on any specific position of the hands of the clock.

[ms-demeanor]

"Pataphysical Time" is going to be a fun thing to say to myself when I need to do something instead of getting stuck until a "correct" number.

[littlestpersimmon]

Rejoice, For the Herald Of Hope Flies Above Us

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

[gallusrostromegalus]

A cat is a machine that turns proteins into violence.

[starathsbunker]

#Helios was declawed by his former owners so he doesn't just slap things he dislikes like most cats#he really only feels confident in hissing at them#Especially because a lot of the thing he doesn't like are bugs and those are sharp sometimes :(#Selene has figured this out and now when she hears him hiss she sprints over the kill the fuck out of the bug#Helios has learned she will do this so he'll hiss at stuff louder and louder until she hears him#A nervous old man and his emotional support homicidal maniac tags by @gallusrostromegalus

I couldn't reblog without the tags because the context is hilarious

[gallusrostromegalus]

A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)

Yes, he is more than twice her size. Yes, he is five times her age. Yes, he cries like a big baby until she kills Unacceptable Scary Things (earwigs) for him.

[bannertanks]

[ghosthierophant]

[vixvigil]

it’s never a normal temperature anymore it’s always some fucking bullshit

[pocketss]

smile, dog!