Procrastination

[wizard0rb]

steps out of the shower completely dry after parrying every drop of water with my bathroom greatsword

[teaboot]

bro your loyal knight smells like shit

[frengerino]

whenever i'm trying to talk myself out of buying something i don't need i always hear my old russian professor's voice echoing in my head: "WHAT??? WILL YOU DIE THE RICHEST MAN IN THE GRAVEYARD?" and then i make an unwise financial decision

[injuries-in-dust]

I don't know why, but I like the idea of humans being to aliens, what cats are to humans...

Alien1: hey, when did you hire a human?

Alien 2: we didn't. They just wandered aboard one day, saying they wanted to "hitch a ride." Then they never left. I think they like it here.

Alien 1: the human distribution system has chosen.

***

Alien stares at the human, who has climbed up a very high shelving unit.

Alien: Human, get down before you hurt yourself.

The humans response is to climb higher.

***

Alien is secretly filming their human, who is spaced out and just staring at nothing.

Alien (whispering): I think the human is about to intercept the brain cell. (Laughter) don't worry human, if it tingles that means it's working.

[random-questions-fairy]

Oh my gosh. I just found this website that walks you though creating a believable society. It breaks each facet down into individual questions and makes it so simple! It seems really helpful for worldbuilding!

[theredscreech]

Heads up that this is a very extensive questionnaire and might be daunting to a lot of writers (myself included). That being said, it is also an amazing questionnaire and I will definitely be using it (or at the very least, some of it).

[heroineimages]

Bookmarking this…

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

give me a nice* fact

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

@lorieninksong replied: sometimes when a tarantula catches its food it does a 'happy dance' by standing real tall and spinning in place, sometimes laying down webbing to kind of make a rug. They also throw their garbage out, and can literally toss it like a lil basketball player.

[badpsychicadvice]

Is All Dogs Go to Heaven a time travel advice movie?

Discussion points:

After reaching the afterlife, Charlie is told that every living being has a cosmic device linked to them that allows them to live in the mortal realm as long as the device functions.

The devices are symbolized by clocks, watches, and other timekeeping devices. Charlie's is a pocketwatch.

The device stops functioning upon the being's death in the mortal realm, upon which time they are judged (everyone but dogs) or just go straight to Heaven (dogs).

If you restart/rewind the device you rejoin your body and come back to life, at the cost of not being able to return to Heaven. Keeping the device intact and functioning will keep you alive, otherwise, if you die you go to Hell.

Charlie rewinds his watch to come back to life and try to avenge his murder and continue his career of gambling and stealing, intending to cheat Death forever from now on. When he dies as a consequence of saving another's life, he is allowed back into Heaven and accepts that his old life is truly over.

Interestingly, Charlie goes through a sort of "time travel novice arc" in all this, where he first learns the natural order of time and life and then immediately proceeds to violate that natural order for his own benefit. Trying to further benefit in and continue his old life creates problems for himself and his loved ones and also creates chaos in the world, but it also gives him opportunities to create change that otherwise couldn't happen.

He saves the life of homeless orphan Anne-Marie, uplifts her from being trafficked (by dogs as a sports betting outcome prophetess because she can speak to racing animals for tips and dude it gets complicated whatever), and leaves her with her new parents to adopt and take care of her. Without Charlie breaking the natural order of time and life, this result may have never happened. It's interesting to examine that Charlie was, as a being now positioned permanently outside the natural order of things, uniquely positioned to see Anne-Marie, who was cast outside the natural order of human society's social net as a homeless orphan.

This, I think, is why he's allowed back to Heaven in the end. The intent behind his actions and the outcome of them in the greater world is obviously a factor in judging him, and the natural order seems to reward those who help unravel the difficult tangles inside of it.

If there is advice in this movie to time travelers it could be to focus on your effects on the world and lives of those around you, and ask yourself where and when you truly need to be. Don't try to go back and relive the moments in your past forever, no matter how valuable they may seem to be--the past is not eternal and at some point you have to move on from your memories of what you once had and try something new. There is definitely a lesson of accepting when a certain period of your life is over so that you can embrace the next big thing. If ADGtH had reincarnation included in its afterlife structure, then Charlie would be preparing himself for a fresh start in his next life.

Remember to wind your watch, and also remember when to put it on the shelf, rest, and dream of the future.

[trans]

[aniseandspearmint]

the error 404 expression

AND THEN THE SCREEEEAM

[inrainbows-deactivated20211029]

soup is now what bacon and pizza were in the 2010's. frogs are the new owls, mushrooms are the new succulents.

[chillyfeetsteak]

bog era

[everybidenjusthavegoodtime]

*releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free

[hotcommunist-deactivated2019032]

invasive species encroach on lesbian territory

[dreaming-shark]

This is a common misconception because they’re such similar environments, but you should be aware that dads are native to Home Depot, while lesbians are actually native to Lowe’s. At this point, however, both dads and lesbians have made themselves at home in both Home Depot and Lowe’s to the point that trying to separate them back into their original ranges would probably do more harm than good to the delicate ecosystem of large chain hardware stores.

[ailithnight]

A properly raised and socialized Dad will be perfectly comfortable cohabiting with Lesbians. Its not really “encroaching on another’s territory”. You wouldn’t say that about foxes in a forest that also homes bobcats, would you? No. It’s just two different species that have both evolved to live in similar/the same environment. As long as they recognize each other as equals, Dads and Lesbians are more than capable of cohabitation.

Now, if you were to release a pack of Lumberjacks into a Lowes or Home Depot, that’s where chaos will reign. Being adapted to a far harsher and more demanding environment, the Lumberjacks would simply push Dads and Lesbians both out and also consume far more than a sustainable amount of resources. It would be like releasing bears at a country club.

[chequerootlurks]

As a former timber-harvester… I feel this is potentially accurate in theory. But highly improbable in actuality.

Lumberjacks, like most megafauna species generally require more space than the average hardware store, even a big box store could provide. The misconception is that Lumberjacks are a social species because of how they often work and live together.

This is a matter of necessity, not preference, and a survival technique for thriving under the LogBoss.

A “pack” of Lumberjacks, if not under the environmental pressure of a LogBoss will naturally disperse until they each have a wide territory.

Lumberjacks rarely fight for territory.

One on one, a Lumberjack could drive out a Dad or Lesbian, however the latter tend to travel in social packs.

Lumberjacks will passively retreat on the presence of large numbers of people. Kind of like Sasquatch.

Getting a “pack” of Lumberjacks assembled would be hard enough unless they were forced into a Hardware Store by a LogBoss. In that case, they would already be in a heightened and potentially agitated state far above their natural behavior. This artificial scenario can be likened to a circus animal running amok. If it had been in the wild, the incident would not have occurred.

Free-roaming Lumberjacks are the cryptids of the Hardware ecosystem. They are surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive.

Please stop labeling Lumberjacks as dangerous roving social predators. They are intermediate level omnivores and remarkably peaceful unless threatened.

[thatdisasterauthor]

As a hardware store worker I can say that this is all 100% accurate.

[swindle94]

now how in the FUCK am i supposed to leave tumblr when a god tier post like THIS is just is just waiting for me daily?!?!?!

[fromchaostocosmos]

question where does the “art student” or “DIYer” “crafter” or “soap maker” or “miniaturist“ etc. who has ventured into the store for supplies fall into the ecosystem/what is their impact of said ecosystem?

[terulakimban]

Most of the above are native to craft and hobby stores (art students, historically, are native to museums, but having been introduced to hobby stores, have found a niche for themselves and thrived), but all can be seen in hardware stores on occasion due to territorial overlap. They are generally low-impact, as they tend to stick to specific small areas and primarily utilize different resources. While a large group of any of them can be disruptive (art students, in particular, are known to travel in packs), in general, they are more likely to have territorial disputes with one another than with the local fauna. 

A point of clarity -“crafter” is a bit misleading; while it conjures a specific image, much like ‘fish’ or ‘reptile’ it actually covers a broad array of wildly disparate species, and in general, more descriptive nomenclature is preferred. Fiber artists in particular are a genus to watch out for, particularly in groups. Beware a roving pack of domesticated quilters. They fear nothing, will go anywhere, and due to their social nature, will often seek interaction from other species that thrive best in solitude. They are quite friendly, and will happily adopt members of other species; the concern is that their adoptees do not always wish to be adopted. 

[midrashic]

#in search of taxonomic precision and peaceful coexistence (via welkinalauda)

[kriladoodles]

I do wonder how lesbian/bisexual lumberjack-mimickry fits into this

[honeylight-abroad]

Ahhhhhhh! I love this so much

[valtsv]

they call me "the thing in the catacombs that kills people" because i'm a thing in the catacombs and i kill people

[normal-horoscopes]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Foreshadowing like a loaded gun. A whispered phrase, a concept, introduced over and over again. Heed the world dear thing, lest it make itself terribly known.

Taurus: Tension in the shoulders and salt in the eyes. The orchid growing from your spine cannot be uprooted just yet, but there are precautions to be taken in the meantime. Get it all in one go. Root and stem.

Gemini: The basement of your mind, where the old things sit gathering dust. Memory shrinks with age, growing smaller and lighter with disuse.

Cancer: The world asks you to squeeze blood from a stone. It whispers “handle me sweet, I will bleed.“

Leo: The initial spike is never the hard part. You can do just about anything for 30 seconds. Its the lingering things that are hard. The things that stick with you, like sand in the gears.

Virgo: What works now will not work forever. We are always in the process of becoming something new.

Libra: That which is erased is that which poses a threat, but some things are better off forgotten. We walk a strange shoreline between acceptance and growth.

Scorpio: Yes, romance and revulsion are related. Yes, the closer to the extremes of the human experience you get, the more similar it all seems. Don’t get cocky bud.

Ophiuchus: Whats done is done! The only way forward is through! Face the world hungry enough to chew your way through obstacles!

Sagittarius: Wear it long enough and a mask becomes part of your face. Spend enough time without something, and its like it was never there.

Capricorn: It would be nice if that lady living at the bottom of the lake could solve all your problems but she has her own things to deal with. Between you is only the autumn wind and silent solidarity.

Aquarius: If all the liquids around you turn to blood-red wine don’t worry, that’s probably normal. The world is always stranger than expected.

Pisces: The dose makes the poison. Take doubt in moderation.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

in the book of ezekiel, angels are described as eyes on their wings. sound familiar?

so what i want to know is what the hell type of predator was preying on biblical angels to make them evolve eyespots

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

possibilities include:

what the hell else were the Old Gods supposed to feed on?

the Angelus genus contains a diverse array of species whose members regularly cannibalize each other

the Holy Spirit swoops around heaven clicking its tongue like a bat out of hell, and in this manner echolocates and consumes thousands of pesky angels every night, thus maintaining the celestial ecosystem’s delicate natural balance

God keeps swatting them

[lady-redhaired]

Me in 2022 when the pandemic hasn’t ended yet because people don’t know how to act right and I’ve been holed up in my house for three years acquiring a new flavor of crazy, going to open the door for the guy in the hazmat suit that’s come to deliver my groceries

[lew-basnight]

When I was 18, circumstances found me stuck on the family farm for three months, alone with no vehicle. Twice my mom came back for half an hour to drop off food and smokes. There was no internet, only a couple fuzzy broadcast tv stations. Phone calls were expensive. The closest bump on the highway was about 500 people, with a Kwik Trip and some churches. It was about three hours each way. The closest neighbor was a mile away across hills and valleys.

By the end I was wearing a white robe and broad straw hat, carrying a sword, peeing on the lawn, performing magic on the hilltops. I was deep into some wild conspiracy shit and doing a lot of writing, making a lot of mix tapes. I talked intensely with the tv and radio, and developed in-depth relationships with the characters on “Hill Street Blues.”

If I learned anything from the experience, it is this.

Give in to the inevitable craziness right away, and just get comfortable.

[higurashinonakukoronigou-moving]

hold on im begging you for more information

[natalieironside]

animal fact: Pliny the Elder said that all dolphins answer to the name Simo

Well, who am I to argue

[glumshoe]

he also tells a story about a little boy who befriends a dolphin that carries him to and from school every day and then gets sad when he dies, but says that he’d be embarrassed to share such a saccharine story but other people wrote about it first so it’s fine

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

mummies? genus of the zombie family. the two are not taxonomically exclusive groups, educate yourself

[kaiyeti]

Also skeletons by that logic.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

A lot of people make this mistake actually! ‘Skeleton’ can refer to any individual member of the family Zombie that has shed its fleshy exoskeleton. It’s just an unlife cycle stage, but because of its distinct appearance we refer to it by a separate common name (similar to how a ‘black panther’ is just a colour variant of leopards and jaguars, not a separate species).

[mortimermcmirestinks]

Okay, so I think this is a point of confusion.

The term “zombie” is both a technical term, referring to a family, and a common name, referring to a genus.

The family Zombie is a broad, overarching group that includes the genus that many people call zombie (Ghoulus, not to be confused with Ghouli, the unrelated genus of the Ghala family which also includes bogeymen and some ghosts*) as well as the Mummy genus (Pyrima), the spore-zombie genus (Fungan) and a few others.

The colloquial term “Zombie” is the common term for the genus Ghoulus, which is in the family Zombie and includes Ghoulus romero (the walking zombie), Ghoulus snydera (the running zombie), and Ghoulus smithi (the vampiric zombie, also called the legendary zombie).

Interestingly, there are several things called “zombies” that are neither Ghoulus nor Zombie, including the dancing zombie (Jacksoni thrillera), which is more closely related to (although not currently actually in the same family as) clowns.

*Note: the ghosts in the Ghala family are not true ghosts. True ghosts are in the order Spectere, which is entirely unrelated to Ghouli, Ghoulus, Pyrima, and Fungan. Ghala “ghosts” are given the common name ghost because of their superficial similarity to true ghosts.

Important note: sometimes you’ll see people claiming that zombies are domesticated! They are not! Some zombies can be tamed (like Ghoulus romero), but zombies are wild animals and might hurt you if you approach them! Leave them alone and don’t feed them!

[s0lar-nexus]

are there any domestic ghosts?

[mortimermcmirestinks]

this is a great question! here’s the answer:

the closest to a domesticated ghost we have is the house ghost, Phantome domus (sometimes classified as a distinct subspecies Phantome domus domesticus).

P. domus is interesting because it’s like housecats – they are technically domesticated (scans have shown that the fight-or-flight response, like in domesticated animals, is weaker in P. domus than in related species like P. majestica, the manor ghost, or P. more, the cemetary ghost), but evidence suggests that it’s a naturalistic co-evolution rather than an intentional domestication process like with sheep or dogs.

If a house ghost takes up residence in your home, they are completely safe unless treated in an inhumane way. There is a stereotype of house ghosts that they are dangerous or volatile, but this is usually due to confusion with other species, especially the common poltergeist (Sellaruptor vulgaris) or vengeance spirit (Phantome odium).

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Ghostbusters remake but they’re biologists running a catch and release program

[normal-horoscopes]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Armed only with your trombone and the funk in your heart you will hurtle yourself unto the breach to seek a lover taken too soon.

Taurus: You are the biggest girlfriend. All others shall quake beneath your herculean strength. You hold the vault of the sky and can drop it selectively on people you dont like.

Gemini: If someone asks as to why you are carrying around a pair of industrial bolt cutters take a moment to consider how much effort it would take for you to answer.

Cancer: Its reverse cremation time.

Leo: Seek the lighthouse before it seeks you. Wear dark clothing and move as quickly as possible.

Virgo: In case of emergency you can wield a computer mouse like a mace. It is effective against laptops used as shields.

Libra: Life has no victory condition. There are no losers in life. Having an orgasm on the moon is pretty impressive though.

Scorpio: I think you mean Dire-Good-Boy.

Ophiuchus: If you are going to die you might as well do it in rollerskates. Have fun until that last moment. Go out rollin’.

Sagittarius: The sauce is increasing the tide is rising hold your breath and prepare your gnocchi. 

Capricorn: Curses can be caught in silk blankets and tossed back without going off.

Aquarius: Time will flow in reverse briefly today and you’ll think you’re high. It will be fine.

Pisces: Today an angel will descend from the sky to tell you to eat more raw grains.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I know I’ve said this before but vampires

don’t show up on camera

can fly/scale walls

immune to bullets

can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit

could probably hypnotize security guards as needed

therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums

[theonewiththesoks]

Oceans 1100 AD

[bleachedshadow]

Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I feel like this has several simple solutions!

they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.

downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).

depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.

downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.

(Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)

Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:

the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.

downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.

(In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)

alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”

downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!

Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.

(Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)

I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best

(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]