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[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

in hindsight, growing up as an aromantic person who didn't know aromanticism was a thing...it woulda been really easy for me to assume that something was wrong with me, that I was "broken" or "missing" some piece of humanity.

luckily I was autistic, oblivious, and had a huge ego. it literally never occurred to me to frame it as a "me" problem. i just thought every single person i knew was a dumbass

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

not trying to be mean, that was just the natural conclusion of a judgemental aspec teenager forcibly surrounded by other teenagers. classmates would go on and on about their Longings and Yearnings and id be like. girl u r fifteen

[sarpedan]

i was in my late 30s before i realised there was a name for what i was - i will also say, every single person you know IS a dumbass, they're human, its genetic

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

wtf this is MY timeloop u can't be in here

[sarpedan]

wish i never short changed that groundhog witch now

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i gave my sister $100 for her bday, but i gave it to her in $1 bills that i folded into origami. so that’s how she pays for delivery food & now the pizza girl thinks she’s a stripper

[cornposting]

You’re really good at origami holy sh

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i learned it specifically to make these for this exact situation 

[realpersonscifi]

Aren’t you the same bitch that gave your sister $100 dollars in nickels?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

same bitch

[wetmetal]

Yeah, neither of these things happened 👍🏼

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

listen here my good hoe, i can’t find photos of the 2000 nickels or the 20 stars, but i did not spend weeks planning meticulously inconvenient birthday gifts over a period of years just to get whaled on by internet gremlins. here is some equally compelling evidence for an anecdote i was saving for later:

it weighed 68.6 lbs

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

same hellion yes

[sarpedan]

and here i thought a 25kg bag of bird seed for someone who had just gotten one (1) canary was OTT

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

[krystal-prisms]

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

So after extensive interrogation I have an update:

my mom is in fact aware that dandelions exist. she temporarily forgot the name and there was some miscommunication.

the truth is actually weirder

she’s aware dandelions look like this

she is familiar with this flower. she knows the name of this flower. she declines to believe, however, that these are also dandelions

she does not believe these are the same plant. I tried to explain, and she thought I was either misinformed or lying. so I asked her what exactly did she think the yellow ones were called?

she answered, with complete confidence: Daffodils.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

gosh I enjoy this website

[authoratmidnight]

For comparison, this is a daffodil

[quietlygrousing]

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i don’t think so? i’m southern and buttercups are what we call these things (much tinier)

[maejacrezz007]

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

[fractiousrvt]

This is an Easter Lily. It is an actual lily and therefore deadly to cats.

[blood-trip-god2]

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

[delphinidin4]

This is a marigold:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

[jmtorres]

“buttercups” is a name applied to MANY flowers. in my part of the south it was this one:

imo there’s correct identifications of dandelions, daffodils, easter lilies and marigolds in this thread, but buttercups are simply impossible to agree on and the only solution is for everyone to post pictures of their local buttercups

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*squints* is that a motherfucking EVENING PRIMROSE?!??

[demon-and-human]

Hello I would like to add to the confusion:

That purple fella is a Morning Glory as told by my mothers (texan)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

⬆️ morning glory

[huehueiamabaguette]

wait so if thats morning glory what is this?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

[delphinidin4]

*Puts hand over gaud’s mouth* It’s a butterfly pea. Please ignore the Latin name.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*licks ur palm* i won’t be silenced THE PEOPLE HAVE TO KNOW

[sarpedan]

must have been a woman that found them, most guys have no idea where to look for a Clitoria

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

think I've been mildly cursed by a witch

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

for years now my laptop charger has reliably broken every 6 months. admittedly i keep replacing it with the cheapest possible generics, but I've tried differed brands and ALWAYS, 6 months in Death knocks impatiently at my door, its skeletal hand outstretched demanding yet another goddamn power cable. the only feasible explanation is i pissed off a witch. the alternative is that i'm the problem, which seems unikely

[mozzarina]

the witch is called enshittification

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

excellent so is this like a rumpelstiltskin situation or

[sarpedan]

to break this curse you need t ritually set fire to Elon Musk

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

they're doing overhead music in planes now im gonna start shooting hostages

[sarpedan]

dont do that Gaud, the overhead music makes you a hostage

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

little me was so confused & annoyed when i found out that bears do not come in small, domestic sizes. my favorite plushie was a teddy bear; i planned to own a pet bear when i grew up. i assumed bears would come in a range of sized, like dogs. ideally mine would be about the size of winnie the pooh/a small child. they would be heavy but still capable of sitting on my lap while i rubbed their belly. they would have a little playground set in the backyard. we would go for walks in the forest and have picnics. i had solid reasonings:

1) my stuffed animals were mostly dogs and cats and bears, implying that bears were a future pet option

2) bears were more human shaped than dogs or cats so naturally they were both capable of both domesticity and humanlike behavior. i envisioned it like having a short lil buddy with the intelligence of a small child. a little pal i could cuddle with who would hang out with me at the beach on weekends. we would go on a road trip together. we would have tea parties together, which would be cute bc bears don't drink tea or have the dexterity to sip from a teacup, but they are smart enough to be taught to hold a (very very sturdy) cup between their paws and pretend. i was going to wear straw hats and we would sit in the garden, my little pet bear and me. these were concrete plans i had and yet i must live here in this petty thieving devastation of a reality, where tiny bears do not frolick and lick jam off my fingers.

[arsonwerm]

I know it’s not the same, but may I suggest: Tibetan Mastiffs

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

no see i want a miniature bear. miniature

[k13xk3k5]

the smallest bear alive right now is the sun bear, a tree climbing expert living in tropical climate. a quick research produced this image.

they are also pretty cute

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

this!!! precisely this!!!! i shall put them in a little hat and teach them to hold a teacup with their pinky paw extended. marvelous!!!!!

[sarpedan]

if the Tibetan Mastiff is TDB, may i suggest a Chow Chow? they are lovely (at least, the one i had was, but he was deaf as a post)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*remembering the band bare naked ladies contains no ladies* call me back when they transition

[andrewrnease]

They're also fully clothed.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

One life change at a time

[sarpedan]

also contains no bears

[depsidase]

[sarpedan]

how, exactly, are people supposed to afford these new depression drugs? most people already have to choose between 3 packs of instant ramen for 4 days of groceries or paying rent

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

was thinking about how the concept of god is usually characterized as male (thanks patriarchy) and i came up with a question: in christian theology,

does "God" have a penis?

surely the catholic church made some sort of ruling on this

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

stop derailing with Jesus's foreskin, this post is about God's genitals ONLY

[sarpedan]

isnt god called the father THE SON and the holy ghost, implying he is all three at the same time? if true then the rings of Saturn would indicate that yes, god has a penis

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

wishing everyone a very Remembering You Have Good Leftovers In The Fridge

[isthereaduck]

There are no ducks in this post.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

BUT did you check the fridge

[sarpedan]

randomly hitting all those Anatidaephobiacs out there

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

vampire with the ability to put humans in thrall but they use it solely to make viral asmr videos

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

you are feeling sleepy. you are feeling sooooooo relaxed. you are going to like and subscribe for more content

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

#need someone to enthrall me so i can do basic household chores

vampire life coach who hypnotizes you into pursuing your dreams

[sarpedan]

thrall flash mob, 200+ people all start the thriller dance with no idea why

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

so what you're gonna do is you're gonna trim the top off a bulb of garlic, using the knife's edge to take off the tip of every individual clove, that's important. you're gonna place the garlic face-up in a square of tinfoil, drizzle with olive oil, wrap completely in foil, place in baking tray, repeat with a copious amount of garlic bulbs. you're gonna put that baking tray in an oven set to 375-400°F, for 30-50 minutes, until soft and browned. you're gonna toast some good bread, slather generously with butter and honey, maybe a tiny lil bit o' salt. and then. you're gonna SQUEEZE. OUT. THAT. ROASTED GARLIC. onto the butter honey toast. and you're gonna eat it. food stolen directly from the plate of the gods. that's what you're gonna do.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

the garlic. it beckons you

[thesweetestsupervillains]

It occurs to me that "1920s gangster doing a cooking show while holding you at gunpoint" is an untapped market.

We've had normal cooking shows. Now we need period piece cooking shows in character.

[sarpedan]

we'v had normal cooking shows, we've had BDSM dom cooking shows, we've had kiddie cooking shows, we've had gay furry cooking shows, we've had truly unhinged cooking shows, but we havnt had pinstripe suits and tommy gun cooking show, this is a massive gap in the market that needs to be filled

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Liver Detox Using One Weird Trick!!! Doctors HATE Him—Greek Man Discovers Secret To Regenerate Entire Liver In 24 Hours!!!

[theoutcastrogue]

Art presented without further comment:

artists (the OP is by Theodoor Rombouts, 17th c) : F. Gordeev 1769, Cornelius Cort 1566, Bernard Picart 1733, Enrico Barberi 1893, Luca Giordano 1660, Grigorij Mihajlov 1819, Jacob Jordaens 1640, Jean-Louis-Cesar Lair 1819, Johann Heinrich Fuseli 1781-1785, John Singer Sargent c. 1921, John Singer Sargent 1921, Kaspar von Zumbusch 1880, Josep Campeny i Santamaria, Juan Manuel Ferrari 1952, Peter Paul Rubens 1610s, Nicolas-Sébastien Adam 1762, unknown (Prometheus Vase) 1867, Pavel Wenig 1892

Aaand switch bonus: "Prometheus Strangling the Vulture" by Jacques Lipchitz (1943)

[sarpedan]

"strangling", yeah sure, hes "strangling" the bird, thats what hes doing, and not anything else

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

uh oh forgot to take the Pill That Makes Me Sane

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

lotta people in the notes also forgot to take the Pill That Makes You Sane...

[sleepyyys-art-n-stuff]

I read this as "The Pill That Makes You Santa" and had a long puzzled sit on what that would mean.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

TESTOSTERONE??????

[sarpedan]

tell me more about this pill that makes you sane

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i am delighted to inform you that wild bears seeking out and swinging on hammocks is in fact a fairly common occurrence!

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

thanks to @fandomislife03 for this extremely important information:

#as somebody born and raised in black bear country this is accurate #theyre also fond of backyard playgrounds

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

UPDATE: they also do this with backyard swimming pools

(and yes, same applies to kiddie pools)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh 10/10 tags:

#The mama bear we have around here in the summer knows what she's doing#she stretches out in the sun under the fruit trees#and sends her cubs up the trees to throw fruit down to her

[sarpedan]

bears have no right to be as cute as they are

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

yes we all know about medieval jesters waging psychological warfare in times of combat, but wait there’s more!

at the beginning of battles they would ride in on horseback, juggling swords or lances, and taunt & bait  the opposition. soldiers would get so angry they would break rank & weaken formations just to try to kill the fool

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i should also mention that a female jester was referred to as a “joculatrix,” thank you that is all

[notdingalingalingalingrita]

PLEASE GIVE ME FRUSTRATED KNIGHT X AMUSED JESTER WHOS TAKEN AN INTEREST IN TAUNTING THEM ESPECIALLY 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

ART PROMPT

[sidhewrites]

What if we were both opposite side of a war, and u wouldn’t stop mocking me specifically before we went to battle, and we were both girls?

[sarpedan]

isnt that just harley and ivy on an average friday?